There is so much harmony flowing through Laurelwood

I'm finally starting to love it here at Laurelwood and now I'm leaving. I'm heading to Ananda Pune in India in less than 3 weeks. It's scary and exciting but mostly it's scary right now.

When I arrived here at the Portland Ananda community on March 28, 2012, I had more than my fair share of  fears, trepidation and the normal anxiety. The idea of communal living and abandoning my daily freedom, this was a hard concept to grasp. My heart, delicate and sensitive when I arrived, harshly judged many things about this place and the people living here. They are not saints, is what I concluded, but what was I expecting?  I see now that it was very difficult for me to immediately open my heart to everyone. I knew I would be here for awhile and what if I didn't like what was going on? This was the final road for me, there was nothing else,  I had tried everything and it was all dead ends. If this didn't work, I was lost.

I was  resistant to so readily accept everything I was being fed. I felt hurt many times because I believed that others opinions directly reflected the community's views and ideals. Since I felt many of them were not in sync with my own beliefs, it left me feeling alienated and isolated. But I see now that people are just people. We are so full of our own beliefs, that sometimes it's even hard just to hear another person and what they think about life.  In a way it has been absolutely ground breaking and earth shattering here at Laurelwood, or maybe just ego shattering. To be here alone with 30 other people on 55 acres. Running a community in the first year of it's birth with our leaders living off property. Now that is a task. It has been a wild ride here at Laurelwood.

So many crazy habits and old ways of being, hurts, pains, emotions, fears; all dragged in from the world. Each one of us bringing a myriad of experiences shaping the way we see and go about life. But the undercurrent is the belief and practice of the love and devotion which comes from our spiritual path, driving the whole thing forward.  Not to mention all the beauty, kindness, self offering, servicefulness and willingness to get up each and every day to do what needs to be done next. I feel like an absolutely different person from the day arrived. I still have my old coat and boots in the back of the closet, which I have never put back on I must mention.

My attachment to myself and life as I thought it should be is slowly crumbling off like an old skin of a tree. I am watching something beautiful emerge from this whole experience and it has nothing to do with achievements though I have many to show from the months of being here in the daily flow. Things flow smoothly here, most of the time, when we are all synced up. It's incredible to watch how every single day, exactly what we need appears. Even just making dinner in the kitchen, when we start with a prayer it's almost like this amazing thing that happens when the dinner is ready on time always the same everyday. We are always in awe at how just the right person shows up to help when we need help or we find a random ingredient for a recipe and no one knows exactly where it came from. Laurelwood has slowly and sneakily crept itself into my heart and become my home.I so callously guarded myself from the possibility of these people becoming my family, but they have become just that. I see now that it was fear. Fear of attachment, of loss, of love, of happiness and fear of  light.  There has been so much bliss in this little bubble of a place, it's kind of a miracle there are not more people living here right now. But I strongly believe that one day there will be.

My life has become a flow that is being taken over by something much larger than myself. My life is being lived in a way that is way more meaningful and fulfilling than anything I could of every thought for myself. Money, career; all these seemed so primary for me when I arrived here. God bless Daiva, our co-spiritual director, for how patient he was with me as I complained about the music, the schedule, the lack of feminine energy, the long work days and on and on. He was so damn patient with me, as if he'd never heard it before. I'll never forget his first response to my sniffling and nagging, "then move to Polestar". (A community of equal caliber but based in Hawaii) I have had the pleasure of being mentored and in the company of, frankly, world class people. I am talking in terms of strength, wisdom, talent, creativity, intellect, grace and intuition. What is happening here at Laurelwood is a small but extraordinarily large miracle. There is so much harmony flowing through Laurelwood.

I am finding out more and more about myself  here and it is not who I thought I was. I am finding out that the more I let go of  "me", the happier I am becoming. I can actually say that I am happy. I can say that. This is a miracle that one day will hold a great significance. I just came from gardening and planting some new snap peas in our little green house out in the garden today. Spending time with Sharon, Jacob and Aumkara feeding and nourishing these little plants. It was so simple, but brought me a lot of inner joy. The simple things seem to be the only things worth living for. I am convinced that this will be the way of the future, community is the only way to go, to grow.

I wanted to share this because I am leaving soon on a 3 month trip to visit an Ananda community in Pune, India. I have been feeling a bit torn that I am going. I finally love it here at Laurelwood and I'm leaving?
I had to analyze and scrutinize myself to make sure this was the right decision.  Not some self created technique for escaping myself or committing wholeheartedly. A fellow bramacharini happened to mention to me today: "You know the vow you committed to, no attachment to people, places or things. Why do you think it is that you are leaving now that you are suddenly feeling comfortable".  She reminded me that I recently took renunciate vows in October. Maybe sometimes when we are too comfortable, we stop growing?

Just like those little snap peas with strings holding them up for support while they gain traction, I required just that. Though the training and disciplines weren't always gentle, it was what I needed. In fact, it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. And all it was was just facing myself. I have a deep feeling of peace and gratitude for the time I have spent here and I know that I will carry Laurelwood in my heart while I am gone. The blessing is having this place here and knowing I can return. I would be absolutely lost without it. I am deeply, deeply indebted and grateful to the founders, participants, creator of and affiliates of Ananda Center at Laurelwood and all I can do is humbly say: Thank you.  And to my guru and Paramatman (the supreme soul) for guiding me here, Jai!

Coming back

I'm amazed at how far from myself I can get. It's absolutely astounding. It can go on for weeks, months, maybe even a year and a half? It's crazy, ever since I left the Philippines one and a half years ago, I have been  out of myself. I have been trying to get somewhere, do something, to make something of myself. All in all, I have been DOING. The Philippines was a place for being and all the while, I was anxious and restless there because I wanted to do.

Tonight after sitting in meditation, it came to me so clearly, I am always trying to get somewhere else. Where is the next place, what is the next thing. In between the destinations, the journey, I literally go blank or unconscious. It is really hard to say but it seems to be the truth. What happens in the slow, quiet moments in between "stuff" seems like a lot of shit happens that I just cannot slow down enough to be present for. It is so easy for things to go sideways when we are not completely and fully present with every thought, word, gesture and interaction with others. It's easy by myself. When I am alone, I have so much fun. I paint, I dance, I listen to music, I do savasana. I don't judge myself. When I get with others, I act crazy. I act crazy because I act like someone else, I don't act like myself. I get thrown off my center and I let the way others act and speak to me, influence how I feel about myself. Too much and too long now. I don't think it's always been like this but just since I got hurt. I got hurt young when I lost my first friend, my first best friend. When time and time again people left, situations changed, people hurt me, I hurt people. I had a hard time acco epting that things change. I have had a hard time letting go. I have had a hard time forgiving. Myself and others. It's hard to move forward when we can't forgive.

When I left my partner in the Philippines to come to the US last August, it broke my heart. I didn't realize it. I hit the ground running when I arrive to Vancouver because I had to. I had to find a house, get a phone, make money and do something with myself. So I enrolled in film school, something I had always wanted to do but never felt the luxury of time or money. I made it happen, it manifested. But the way it happened, everything in between, the cold lonely nights, the early morning bus rides, the hungry afternoons, was it all worth it?
I cannot tell you right now because I don't know.
I will tell you this though, that everything in between. That is life. That's life.
The way I think it should be or aught to have been, what I always thought my life would have been, didn't happen. It's not real. It doesn't matter. I go and I move and I do things and things move and change constantly but I always end up at the exact same place. Back here, with me. Same person, same situation and when I write, I know I am back. I am a writer. That is who I am. I write, I make films, I create. This is who I am. When I stop doing those things, something feels unnatural.

Did I have to give up my partner, my home, my life, all my belongings to figure out why I was here and who I was? I don't know, maybe? Maybe not. But I did.

I am heading to India in three weeks for an epic journey that has no definitions or parameters. I am open. The only things I know is when I arrive, Jan 16th and when my flight is scheduled to depart, April 16th. 3 months. In between, I do not know. Currently, I am surrendering. I want to get lost. I want to lose myself, in love, in bliss, in essence. In just being me. I want to feel who this girl is, apart from influence or ideas or doing. I want to just be. I have allowed too many people to influence me, to affect me and to shut me down. I have given people that power. I want to gain responsibility for my life now. I am calling back my lost energy. I am re-gaining my power in my connection with something greater.

I can't help myself but create things when I get still. I have a lot of energy, what can I say. Especially when I am not in relationships. I'm leaving to India and I am even creating a fundraising project right before going http://claritycreative.blogspot.com/. I can't help myself, sometimes I feel as if I will go insane with creativity. I feel so happy to be opening up this way. I have been hiding. Hiding myself here at Ananda. Afraid to be who I really am. Trying my very best to fit in and be who i think I should be. What's wrong with me? Why do I get teased constantly that I am a rebel and I should get candy coal for Christmas? I wonder sometimes. I feel that maybe it's time to stop looking outside for reassurance and for approval. I approve of myself. I love myself and this is going to be the best damn time of my life. And if it's not, then at least I know myself a little more and I can finally settle down. I wonder if I am not running again, but at least I am conscious this time. And I still feel the guidance to go. I have told her, God, if you don't want me to go, stop me.
I'm so happy to be back and I was totally inspired by reading my friend Pilgrim Girl's blog. Thank you sister. Every bit of presence and slowing down can bring so much healing to us and others. Being a woman means being in the heart. Let us now remember to come back to this place of stillness and feeling. This is who we are. All of us. Not just women. The planet and the dark forces seek to confuse and entangle us. Let us be stronger by holding light and love strong. It can never tear us down so long as we call upon the higher power for strength. Jai Guru. Jai Ma

just enjoy

Anything and everything is available to me. There is nothing I can't have. I could choose to eat anything I wanted, I could buy anything, if I really wanted it. I can travel to India, the Philippines, Japan, Europe, anywhere. But what happens when you know you have everything? It just doesn't feel so exciting anymore. There is a calmness about it and even a dispassion. I am seeing in my life how God provides in the most mysterious of ways. She knows so much more than me. And to think that I'm just figuring this out.

I notice that I tend to over complicate things, as if life had to be hard and it wouldn't be fair without a struggle. Why do I feel the need to struggle? Maybe watching others struggle and thinking it has to be that way. Working hard is part of manifesting but for me it has always been that if I really want something, I just focus my mind on the thing. I want to manifest $5,000 so I focus on manifesting 5g's. I don't focus on the reality of it because the reality of the situation. If I focused on that it would be that I am a Canadian citizen living in the countryside of Oregon with no car and no job. Outwardly, it doesn't seem too plausible to make much money. But for me there are infinite amounts of possibilities. Such as, I believe in myself to be a great creator and a great artist. So the only natural thing for me to do is sell my artwork. My artwork is basically selling myself because it is what comes straight from within out onto the canvas. It has taken years to build confidence to actually sell work because my insecurities about myself personally created blocks. Recently, more and more people are contacting me about artwork and it is a very mysterious thing. Being an artist as well as doing business is a lot of fun because the amount of profit I can create directly applies to the amount of focused energy I put out. It is an amazing way to push every single limit I have as well as to expose many cracks in the pot. Anyhow, I'm not sure what I'm going on about but it feels good to talk about.

I just landed here in Vancouver this afternoon and I'm enjoying kicking back for once. It's a struggle not to just continuously work. Even relaxation takes effort. :) Anyhow, enjoy yourself.

Art for India - My latest project

http://claritycreative.blogspot.com/

Just be

I finally got my room set up, my home and now I have to go. For the first time in at least two years, I am sleeping on my own bed. I have my paintings up on my wall. I have a wardrobe. I am incredibly grateful for everything I have, no matter how small. Vitamins, water, sheets, daily meals. Being in the road these past few years had made me grateful for the stability and peace that comes with staying still. Growing up with very little has also made me so incredibly appreciative for things that others just think as common. Right now, I am just so grateful for my bed. This trip to India started to become overwhelming today because it's like, once again, I'm moving. The gypsy blood, Daiva calls it. After this last trip to Vancouver, I'm finally starting to understand why it is so beneficial to just be happy where we are. Everyone keeps telling me how jealous they are and how lucky I am to get to go on a trip to India. Am I? I really am seeing it differently right now. I have had the unfortunate or fortunate karma of having pretty much anything I focus on manifest. I think this must be a common thing for yogis since magnetism is built through meditation. The unfortunate part is a lot of times I have wanted things that pretty much took me backward. Or so it felt. But I'm learning. I'm learning that material gifts and wealth are not always a blessing. Because if you have the option to do whatever you want, your going to do just that. It takes incredible atunment and discipline to tune in your will with the divine's will. I am grateful right now for spiritual gifts. For meditation, for yoga, for Laurelwood and the countryside. Thank God.

If you read my last blog you probably noticed I was a bit bitter after 9 days in the city. Man, that place will just zap the energy right out of you. Not only that but I told my friend today I spent 9 days with my family and he was like "what, I would never do more than 3 days, 3 max with the family". He is right. 9 days was too much. I mean 9 days with anyone is too much. But you know how it is with family. Anyways. I love them. Another thing I am realizing I need gratitude for is my health. I never had any health problems, including any back problems. Recently, my back is aching. I have no idea why but it is right at the lower spine. I have a feeling the sexual energy has built up there and is creating some imbalance which is pulling on my lower spine. Just a thought, I'm not really sure. It feels so good to be home and to rest. Man, it is such a huge lesson for me just to listen to that inner still voice. Like today is Sunday and I was gonna go bust a move in town and get more work done, even though I was completely exhausted from travelling all day yesterday. When I am not in a relationship, I have this pattern of just working, working, working. But at least it's doing something I love; art and film. It's weird because this whole month, all I wanted to do was paint and explore art. But then I felt that making money for India was important so I focused on selling art instead of making more and new art. It's weird how life is. Always doing something to get somewhere else? Do you find that? I really want to tune in these next couple weeks and be really present because it's a big time. No more forcing myself. No more straining. Time to surrender into life instead of trying to beat it into place. Tonight I will sleep peacefully. I am figuring out finally that I am not perfect and I can't keep trying. Ow my back. It feels good to let go of trying to beat myself into perfection. Just being. Just be. Just to be me.

1:11

It's absolutely incredible that thinking of others, opens the door for me to be taken care of myself.

Not trying or wanting, opens the doors for everything I need to easily flow to me. When I am not concerned for myself but for the welfare of all, everyone around me opens the doors for me to be cared for.

The silent God above is silently and lovingly providing for every single one of my needs.

I'm not sure if it is just me but something absolutely terrifying and incredibly amazing is transpiring on Earth right now. I am experiencing waves of absolute fear and worry in combination with complete trust in life and bliss. The days are fast approaching as we near Dec 21st, 2012. What does it all mean?
It is hard to know but what I am experiencing over this past weekend is the deep inward message that we are shifting to another dimension. What I am experiencing is profound and clear revelations, an enlightening of the old and deeply en-grained, unworkable habits that were taught to me by those I love. The things I so deeply treasured and believed as true, are completely false and unworkable in my life.

Tonight I told myself and the universe, I am ready to shift. I am ready to let that old shit go. What is the shit? The shit is the belief that life is a struggle.
Life is happy, joyful and something to be daily celebrated. Just because those around me believe that life is hard, money is a struggle, abundance is scarce, you have to do what you hate to scrape by. All these beliefs are fine but they are not my beliefs or my experience. I tried for years to adopt those old beliefs as my own feelings. I felt that because they struggled, I couldn't be happy and free. But I never associated my consciousness with those limits of beliefs, with that reality. I mean I did outwardly but inwardly it never felt true.

My reality is that money manifests. Especially when my attention is focused on worthy goals and on God. That any amount I need will easily come when my mind is focused and calm. That serving others and God is a worthy and noble way to live and thus it is ok to enjoy the pleasures and gifts that come with that. Including enjoying wealth in a responsible and generous way that includes those around me and those in need. Seeing that God, Jesus is in every person we see that is needy and he is wondering if I will pass him by or stop to help. I do not agree with spending money frivolously on Christmas or any other unnecessary thing. Money is a gift, a flow and should be used with wisdom, discretion and control. There are so many who need help at this time and whether or not we believe someone deserves it or not, we have a responsibility to help. I am all for giving around Christmas time, giving to a worthy cause. Giving to those who truly need it. It's 1:11am and I know I am in the right place at the right time. Now I can sleep soundly.

Definition of success

Success for me cannot be defined anymore by comparing myself to anyone else. I am successful. The very fact that I am here, I am alive. That makes me a success. I mean imagine how we are born! We come from being this incredible, delicate and sensitive dependent being, knowing nothing and having to re-learn everything all over again. The fact that we are expected to be or achieve anything other than being alive, joyful and present is ludicrous. Being in love with life is enough. That is success!

I am looking at my life right now and seeing how much beauty has come of this life. From a life of adversity I was sprouted. The very fact that I am here and alive is a miracle. I could have chosen to give up. We all could have chosen to give up but everyday we get up and we face the light of day. We are miracles. We are a success.

I look at myself and my art and how far I have come. From being a societal drop out, from being depressed, from having a bi-polar mother. Despite all of that there was something in my heart and my spirit that kept pushing me forward. I am a strong woman and now the key is going to be softening. Keeping the heart soft and open and re-integrating trust into my daily life. It has been very difficult to trust people after so many years of hurt and heartache but I want that again. Something is coming out of me right now, something beautiful and I am watching it birth like a new born baby. My energy is being channeled into something great, something so full of potential. I know what it is. I'm allowing energy to flow to myself. I am letting it fill up instead of spilling out to the usual things. I am blessing myself. I am receiving the blessings because I can't take claim. I am so grateful for life right now as as much as it demands, I feel honored and capable to meet it. Stay tuned for more

Lakshmi in the house

I've been staying here at the ashram since March this year, almost 8 months now. I've been serving and not really doing any outside work besides the work of Ananda and Laurelwood. Today I went back to "work" and started to focus on making money again. It felt incredibly akward, uncomfortable; like putting on a wool coat on a summer day. I could barely do it. Just the thought of "making" money for myself, making things happen. It just didn't seem to fit. It wasn't working. I felt blocked, contracted, bloated. I tried to paint and it was constricted because I was thinking about the need to sell the artwork. It just doesn't feel right.

Something has changed as I'm realizing I'm not able to operate in the world the way I used to. I am forever changed. My experience here at Laurelwood has changed the way I operate in life. Everyday here, we rise together, meditate, have breakfast and then we, as a groups, get after the tasks of the day. We work together to achieve and cover a common goal, to run Laurelwood. We make sure the college students, staff, residents are fed thrice daily. We make sure all the common spaces are clean and tidy. We paint, we sand, we mud, we re-paint, we vacuum, we scrub, we polish. We do whatever needs doing daily and we don't think of ourselves while we do it because what is there to think of when you are just serving? You are not getting paid  directly for the work your perform and IT IS endless work, so you just do it. Something happens when you just get used to serving and meditating everyday. You don't have to think so much. When you have desires and you want to fulfill them, it takes work. Working for God is seamless, but that is not to say it is easy. It is the opposite, it is incredibly hard but it is the most satisfying and thirst quenching of all things, real and unreal. God is the supreme drink of water on the hottest of days.

What to do now? I do intend to attract the money I require to support myself to live my life here and support creative endeavors. But how to do that now? I suppose this is coming directly from the Laksmi puja we conducted last night. We did a ceremony with the women here to celebrate and honor the Goddess Lakshmi who is wealth, abundance, gifts, beauty, love, all things good. As my brother Jonah said to me today on Skype today, "having some pressure is good for you, it helps you grow". Lakshmi is here, helping us clear out the old unworkable habits that keep us from receiving the abundance we so deserve. If we are full of shit, how can she fill us full of gold? That is a question to ponder.

I am exactly where I want to be

I am exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to be doing. It's a brief change in the perspective of a situation that only yesterday, I resisted with fury. Where I am right now, if I responsibly look at where I am, is exactly where I choose to be. In all it's pain, beauty, glory, it's my life. I am painting, meditating, living in community, studying, learning, growing, getting stronger, becoming more centered, I am getting to know myself and God.

 It's 2012 and I am alone, in the sense that I am not in a romantic relationship. I am in relationship with God and the universe right now. I am seeing so much beauty, kindness and gentle teachings unfolding within and without. Things are manifesting around me at light speed and all I can do is say: "Thank you divine mother." The more she gives to me, the more I offer it back and say "I want only you". The more she gives to me, the less it makes me want because I feel nourished, provided for and I know I am taken care of. She keeps giving to me and it makes it easier for me to stop wanting, to stop yearning. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things shall be added unto you. This isn't some cute tagline, this is for reals. I have everything and it is truly in an inward sense. I feel inside like I have everything, so I have everything and it also is manifesting in my outer reality which I am currently experiencing.

I tried something new today. I stayed open. I stayed myself, I sang, I spoke out at the dinner table, I chanted loud and hard and deep at kirtan. I didn't let anyone dictate how I was, felt or acted. I was me. How freeing. how simple and how freeing to just be ME? Sounds crazy right. But it's true. My tea bag today said "Live in your strength". That helped me a lot today. We are strong, each one of us and I found in being myself, I was naturally strong because I didn't have anything to worry about. I wasn't outward focused. Anyways, enough for tonight, I am tired now, time to let the body rest. Night night. Love love. Om Om

Who left the window open

"Come Home" - Oil Painting by Clarity West

I was feeling a draft in the building the last couple days. I kept asking, "Is there a door open"? It was cold at dinner tonight. The window in my room was covered in moisture when I woke up. Again, today I asked, "Is there a window open or something, I feel a draft". As I was walking up the second floor staircase to head to bed, I noticed a window high up, open just a small crack. It was enough that when I jumped up to close it, the draft stopped. I opened the window. It was me who had opened that window about one week ago and never closed it. I know this doesn't seem that significant but it is. This is explanatory of my life right now. All these doors from the past, all the windows I opened, only I can shut them. It's painful and it's not easy, but it's a hell of a lot better than not closing them.

It's no wonder I haven't wanted to wake up lately. Waking up at 5:55am just doesn't seem to be happening. It's because I don't want to face the day I am going through so much inward pain right now. I am writhing as all of my past, all of ME is revealed to me in all it's glorious and horrifying complexity. For years I have been evading it through my constant travel, drugs, boyfriends, inner dramas, etc. Now, finally, for the first time in years, I am still in one spot. I am still.

The mind, the body is becoming still and all that noise that was going on for years, the one that I couldn't hear because I was too busy, it's loud and it's right in my face. It's been very tough to look at but I am going into it, I am going through it. Daiva tells me to quit squirming. I wish I could be stronger, more forgiving. I am going through hell here and I feel on top of that, I have people who are doubly being hard on me through this process. It is time that I stand firm in my divinity and not allow anyone to stand on me or push me down. I have the right to be me here and now. I should not hide myself for anyone. I walk around with my head down and my eyes closed to let anyone dominate having my heart open or closed. At least I am walking with God through this pain instead of feeling like I am alone. It's a good start. The light is starting to shine through.

This painting I just finished (above), it's called:  "Come Home".

Back to basics

"Shakti Ma" - Oil painting on Wood by Clarity West 

Why do I meditate? It's time to get back to the basics. It's been close to ten years of meditation and I got lost. I got lost in the technique, in the discipline. The reason I started to meditate was because I loved to sit there and love God. I loved to feel his/her peace, her light, her joy. It would fill me up like nothing and no one ever could. But I got lost. It became forced, stiff, disciplined and the joy was lost. So I have been meditating less lately and feeling incredibly guilty. I'm not doing enough, it's not deep enough, not long enough. Tonight I did a quick and short meditation and the whole time, I talked to God. I loved him and felt the peace. When my mind started to wander I got up and said goodnight.I am learning how to be with God, how to be with people. I am re-learning how to be in this world. Un-doing all these unhealthy patterns of behavior I learnt in the world. My defense mechanisms, my protection, my fear, doubt, worry, it all needs to be undone. The community, is a good place for this but it's painful because all I want more than anything is to be open. So many people here reflect back to me the exact things I want nothing to do with. Those parts of myself I want nothing to do with. I love God so much, she is everything to me and being in this world has been something I avoided and shut myself away from for years. It was like being on a ride with my eyes closed and missing the entire thing and then ending up somewhere and being like, "how the hell did I get here"?  Now it's time to consciously come back, open my eyes and slowly figure out how to live this life in a somewhat healthy way. Not what I was taught in school or home but to re-invent that. To create, to CO-CREATE a life that is beautiful, amazing, loving, abundant, kind and in tune with the flow of life.

Society - A failed experiment

What's missing in our society today is culture. The balance we as people used to receive from living within a tribe or community was brought in countless ways. In Native American culture for example, women expressed their beauty through traditional dance, ceremony, home-made garments. Men could express and use their energy in physical activities and bonding with other males. This allowed men and women to express the gifts they were given in a healthy and natural way.

In our modern day society there is no outlet to express this creative force we all feel. Thus men are forced to express through their work output, material belongings and physical appearance. Women through shopping, physical appearance/sex appeal and social status.  The coming together uses drinking, night clubs and other unhealthy social environments to re-create a skewed sense of what once was the norm, being part of a community.

I am convinced that community is the only way to happiness. If we look back over the less than 100 years these modern day societies have existed (the city) we can honestly say it all seems like a failed experiment.We are coming up to the end of 2012 here and I am willing to bet the social structure and the system will be taking a dramatic turn. This is all just intuitive perception and what I've heard around the spiritual circuits but I can honestly say I am grateful for the shift in consciousness that is taking place. I am happy to be a part of community and know now that I will never be the same after this experience.

Trouble with authority

I was asked today if I have trouble with authority. Who, me?
Well, I thought a lot about that this evening. And it dawned on me. Yes, yes I have had trouble with authority, since I came to this world in fact. In kindergarten, on the very first day of school, my mother dropped me off and didn't tell me she was leaving. I was so busy playing, that I didn't notice her leave out the back. When I clued in to what was happening I ran out of class after her. The principal tried to hold me back but I kicked him and ran away. I ran all the way up the hill and caught up to my mother.

I am growing tired of form, of structure, of ritual, of ceremony, of technique. I am at my breaking point with being told what to do.  For the last 8 or 9 years I have been living within structure performing acts to beat down the body and mind.  I have done nothing but austerities, ceremonies, acts to reform myself.

I sat up from dusk to dawn, in all night ceremonies on my knees in countless weekend ceremonies held in small teepees, sometimes with 30 or more people. No water breaks, no going the the bathroom. I did sweat lodges every weekend for years, sometimes several times in one week. It got so hot in there that I actually passed out on one occasion. I spent years in the sweat lodges, sweating and purifying myself.

I did long fast, dry fasts, water fasts. Vision quests in the Philippine mountains and holy spots across North America. I fasted in the desert, the mountains and the flat lands of Alberta in the dead of winter. I did deep cleanses, raw food cleanses, sometimes all alone for months at a time. I cold water bathed in icy waters, wading through the snow and ice, dipping my bare body beneath the waters. Water so cold it felt as if it was fire. I've meditated for hours and hours at a time. I've inflicted just about every purifying medicine you can imagine on myself. I've done silent retreats, silent fasts, silent walks, meditations. I've denied myself material comforts, a home, adequate food, usually never keeping more than $100 to my name. I have been punishing myself for years, in hopes of ridding myself of the ego. I am to the point of feeling like, "what the hell is the point of all this?"

Today I did a healing session on the hill for a sweet girl that lives here.
I had a dawning realization. "The suffering stops when I want it to".
It really doesn't have to be this hard.

Yes, I am tired of people telling me what to do. And it doesn't just stem from this lifetime. I know it must stem from a long, long line of suppression and control. Probably coming from many lifetimes of monasticism.

I did rebel for several years in my early teens but quickly got back into spiritual practices when I was 17 after experiencing the pain that comes from a life steeped in delusion.

Anyhow, that's where I'm at. All I can do now is pray that the universe guide me. Is this something I need to overcome or let go of. There must be some balance. I want to let all form of worship and just love God. I want to just be. I want to be happy. I have experimented with not meditating and so forth but usually I end up just wanting to meditate anyways. I am taking a vow tomorrow, for one year. I will tell you more about it another time.

Searching

I have been searching God so hard these past 6 years. I have been storming the gates. Shaking heaven and earth for answers to who I am. I couldn't really go on with normal life, with society living - not knowing my soul.

I have been unbalanced and extreme in my search and I have literally tried everything. I couldn't be happy when I was not meditating, praying, chanting, doing some kind of all night ceremony, fasting, taking herbs, cleansing, purifying, doing yoga, standing on my head, sweat lodging, sacrificing. I have done it all.
Now, I am living in a community that is hosting a college in residence and I am living around a bunch of college students. Talk about learning to come back into balance to another extreme. These are spiritual kids but still, they are college students. It has been really good for me to  just be, to just talk, hang out, go for walks. I am learning to relax. God is always there, she is not going away. It's been almost this feeling like I need to get there now, and to hell with this world. But the thing is, 6 years later the world is still there and it ain't going away. I have literally paid no attention to it as I have gone back and forth from ashram to spiritual retreat to pilgrimage, here there and everywhere. Money, career, all those things have fallen by the wayside. Nothing has changed outwardly from all the moving around but I know myself a hell of a lot better and realize that relaxation is the only thing necessary to get anywhere. When I say relaxing, I mean inward relaxation, being mentally calm, more even minded.

Man, I used to go all the way up and then all the way down and boy, people better get out of the way when I was down. I think spirituality was a big mask for me for what was really going on inside all those years. I had an incredibly bad temper and a lot of  deep sadness. I didn't know how to cope with those emotions. We are never taught in school or society how to deal with feelings. Mostly it's to either suppress them or hide them. Worse so, to take them out on someone else. It's a poison we are taught to swallow, smile and bear. It's a very sad thing. But after all these years and all the austerity and sacrifice, I'm right back to where I started. My emotions and bottled up feelings were all still there. The difference is now, I'm brave enough and responsible enough to face them. I'm facing them, letting them come up, feeling them and releasing them. I'm not afraid to feel pain anymore. More so, I'm sick of bottling them up. It is time to cope with life. I'm not masking it anymore because I have nothing to mask it with. I have given up drugs(for good), relationships (for a bit), the two things that allowed me to hide from myself these past ten or so years. Meditation has actually been another big escape for me. SO these past couple days, I've been sleeping in  and doing shorter 30 minute meditations rather than 1hr or 1.5hr.

These college students are helping to balance me out. Another things too is dancing. I have been doing Inner Dance a lot more these days and I love it. It is a source of much joy. This past full moon I hosted one with some of the students and it was a really beautiful time. I am coming back to enjoying life, not forcing myself or denying myself the things I love.

Enjoying life. WHY THE HELL NOT?

Who am I?

I don't want to live in an abandoned building anymore. I want a home. I'm so tired of constantly healing, I just want to be whole. I don't want to be going through anything anymore, I want to just be. I want to be okay. There is no safe haven here. I can't escape. Everyone room is under construction, there are people  everywhere and now, even more so. I can't escape myself even, I am always just there.

It's scary here, out of my country, living in a new place, in the countryside. I have no job, no stocks or bonds. I am alone although there is community all around me. I long to be around people who know me, people who love me. I have a hard time opening up, trusting people to come into my personal space. Trusting others to know me. Most people's vibration feels so heavy. I have always felt people's vibration and it is so hard for me to keep myself separate from that.

I want to be able to say I hate it here and have someone listen, not tell me I should move to Hawaii or something crazy like that. I do hate it here but where else would I be? There is community here, we meditate together, we worship God together, we serve together. Everyday we all work together to build something, that is of a common goal. Staying in one place is like death for me. It is literally torture of the grandest scale to constantly get up day after day and be on the same schedule. It sucks. But I am in my cocoon right now. I am doing deep inward work here to find out who I am. I swear since I have arrived here I have gone so deeply into healing, I hardly know who I am. It is good and bad depending on the day. I am so sensitive. I can't stress it enough. It is so brutally impossible for me to force myself or affirm to others who I am. I was so strong before. But now I feel crippled, like a frail puppa inside a cocoon. Waiting for the day she will hatch. The thing is, I took this last year to be alone and sort myself out. Or so I thought. Turns out I wasn't actually alone by choice, I was just alone wishing I wasn't. It's looking like divine mother is coxing me to take another year, alone. To be alone and be in my own energies and get to know myself through and through. To stew in my own energies without confusing myself. It's tough you know because being alone isn't easy, especially at this age when the social norm for a twenty eight year old single woman would be to get married right about now. It's sad because for so long I have sought out that perfect someone. And now it seems, I am further than ever.

This next year would be wise to be dedicated to my career. Something I have neglected in a serious focused way as I have always uprooted myself right around the time things start to really happen. Dammit, I just don't have the patience or endurance to stick to things. It sucks. I need more Mars. I need Mars. I need Mars. I want someone to talk to. But so few people just listen. Everyone has something to say. Maybe I can practice being a listening ear for once. Be for people exactly what I want. I'm lonely Master. I am feeling terribly lonely these days and I wonder when I will let this end. It must be me perpetuating this constantly unhappiness and u-satisfaction. Please guide my footsteps.

Divine Ma I'm wanting you to hold me

Staying in one place is intense.

When you are still, you are faced, forced to be with yourself and everything that is inside of you. 

There are so many ways to avoid being with ourselves. For me, it has been travelling. Constantly moving around. It involves all my energy and focus, diverting the attention from the stillness that is conducive to seeing what’s really there. This morning I slipped from my usually morning sadhana and schedule. I slept in till 8:30am. 15 minutes before the morning meeting. I wanted to see what it was like for me without meditating, who would I be, how would I feel. Call it delusion but whatever, it needed to be done. I have wondered of meditation; has it been one of my main ways to avoid being with myself? I sometimes need to be just still. Not striving, nor praying, not asking, not moving, not doing laundry, not surfing the net. Just being. 

Listening to music really helps me. Just being completely still and listening to music. Sometimes I dance or move but I don’t do anything, there is no plan. My friend Bardia did this on our trip to LA. We put on some music, lit candles, put down a yoga mat and closed our eyes. And just were. 

I see that people have a lot of different ways to avoid what they are experiencing within their hearts. With men I notice that they distract themselves outwardly with activity, with friends, with work, with exercise and maybe girls. With women it could be with partners, food, or a lot of mental activity. What is there within our hearts that we are all so afraid to look at, what are we hiding from? For me it is a lot of hurt. A lot of pain from my mother and my childhood, stemming back to birth. Not feeling loved when I came into this world because my mother was in pain emotionally and did not feel support from her family, at the time of my coming. I felt these intense emotions when I entered the world and I remember and felt, and held the imprinting of that emotion, of not feeling loved.  It has become an emotional blueprint, a negative emotional pattern that no matter how toxic, is my comfort zone. Thus, I have attracted these types of situations. Right now a best friend of mine is not speaking to me. Before I returned to Laurelwood we had a phone conversation that didn’t go so well. The most hurtful part for me was him telling me something along the lines of he didn’t really think I belonged here nor did he think I would come back. It was very painful and reinforced these negative feelings. It hit very deeply and until today I couldn’t understand why my heart felt so much deep pain from him. Not that it wasn’t already painful coming from such a close friend, but it reminded me of the way I felt from my mother. And in reaction to this  energy, I got angry. I put out an equal amount of negativity to counteract what I was feeling. I felt so sad afterwards because I have learnt again and again that when a friend is hurt, the best I can do is love them unconditionally and hold the space until that negative emotion passes. I have had this same experience over and over and I wait for the day when I can act instead of re-acting. I invest myself too much in people sometimes. I make their healing just as important as mine and then when I get hurt by the, I take it so deeply. I need to be more emotionally un-involved, like Lakshmi. She does a healing on me and then she kicks me out of the room, whether I am crying or not. There is a healer that is not going to get herself mixed up in the emotionality. She always tells me, "just let them emotions come up, cry, do whatever you have to do but no need to go into the story" . She lets me just cry and be and feel but she doesn't ask me why I am crying. 

Being here, still, in the same place at Laurelwood, committing to something, forces me to examine myself more thoroughly than if I was to just skim the surface at a lot of different places. I've only been home for 3 days, but I have roots here and it scares me to death. It is not easy and the thought of being here for one year, alone, with myself is enough to send me into a deep inwardness already. I have been somewhat withdrawn these last couple days. I am also just feeling really tired physically. I'm not sure if it has to do with all the energy it has taken to resist the anger and sad feelings I feel from my closest friend, I have tried contacting him. He ignores me. It sucks but I will do my best to keep in my heart, in love. 

With the college going on here and so much outward activity, it makes me wonder what this next year will be like in my process of wanting to explore deeper into myself and deeper into my relationship with God. I really feel like I could use speaking to someone who really loves me and has stuck with me. Is there anyone out there?

Rest

It's as if it never happened. The whole trip down to LA for two weeks, the pilgrimage to all of Yogananda's shrines, the flow, the struggle, the highs and lows. I'm just here now, back at Laurelwood and all is calm.

Yogananda took me on a ride and daily, all I could was just let go of my plans and see what he had in store. Go to the store, but don't buy anything, stay here, don't walk there; it was a moment to money tuning in. The reason I say money is because I was tuning in moment to moment as I had next to nothing in my wallet at times and had to stay in the flow to navigate how I would get by. It's amazing how calm and centered life can be when we inwardly relax and trust. The times I panicked or got off center, I caused myself so much more mental suffering when nothing was even wrong. It's amazing. This life is just absolutely amazing. Sometimes I feel like having little money can be a blessing for some people as it really requires a greater amount of trust, attunment and creativity to daily manifest what we need. There is a tendency I see sometimes with people to just trust too much in themselves when they have that kind of material security.

I just finished this big push, two weeks ago now, preparing for Swami Kriyananda's visit at Laurelwood and the grand opening weekend. The flow of energy that went through me to create the designs and marketing for the big event was incredible. It was as if Swamiji and Master flowed right through me to create exactly what they wanted. I could have never done that on my own. I guess the prayers we do here to become clear and open channels works. I have been changed, my consciousness and how I feel about life has changed. Something beautiful happened to me that weekend, to everyone here in the community.

What is next in store for me, now that things have quieted down around here? I'm not sure. But we will find out soon.

Jai Ma

True Wealth

You can be rich and you can be poor and you can be poor and you can be rich.
This is a thought that came to me this evening as I was walking out Lotus Cafe with two of my friends.

If you do not believe in God, if you really disbelieve, I can prove him to you.

This evening I came home to Ananda Temple in Encinitas, California, where I am staying on vacation. I was about to meditate when I came out to grab something. On the table sitting in a neat little package were 6 small angel food cakes. How is this proof God exists you ask. Well... no one knows I am staying here. Except for one person and she had just dropped me off and left immediately. Angel food cake also happens to be my favorite cake and no one knows that except for my grandma. The most curious part is I have been wanting those exact tiny angel food cakes but never had the money nor did ever think of buying them for myself. I had just walked back from 7 eleven this evening from wanting something sweet but decided against it since it might affect my meditation. So I gave it to Guruji and then I come home and find 6 cakes waiting for me! How sweet it is to be loved by God. Ok, so that is kind of strange right?

I cannot begin to describe to you the miracles that have happened for me on this trip. The biggest miracle is that I left for Southern California 8 days ago with $120 in my wallet. And here I am staying 3 blocks from the beach right near master's oceanside hermitage. I stayed in LA for almost a week and had everything I needed. That $120 was gone a long time ago but daily, everything shows up. It's absolutely the grace of God and the love of my divine mother.

Yesterday, a sweet devotee took me out for a movie and popcorn. It was like divine mother herself was taking me out. It was in an old theater in Encinitas which people have said Yogananda may have watched movies at. Today, when my friend picked me up,  I asked her if she had had dinner and she said no but she had no money until tomorrow. I had just come from selling a couple silver coins I saved for a rainy day and told her I would be happy to treat her. We went out with another friend, an older devotee who looked like she had a lot of money. I happily paid the bill for my friend and I and realized, that just because someone has a lot of money, doesn't make them rich. My friend and I, though we had very little both treated one another when we had next to nothing. Divine mother always took care of us for that very reason.

Anyway, I didn't mention either that when I awoke this morning, there was a perfectly
ripe melon waiting for me right outside my daily meditation spot. It was my perfectly delicious breakfast.
I could go on and on about how much divine mother provides for me on this trip but you would probably get sick of hearing it and might not believe it.

Anyways, it's not like I just sit around and she does everything for me. But these last couple months I really gave myself fully to her in service and spent my money very conservatively in supporting a good cause. I didn't have to go without a vacation because I didn't have some large bank account with money I had saved up for months. I just decided I wanted, I needed this vacation and decided to trust her. I listened. She gives me more than I could buy with money. It is so sweet to receive when I don't ask, when I just let her do it.

Jai Joy

My whole life I have constantly felt like there is something wrong. There is something off, the timing is off, I'm off. There was something wrong when I was constantly feeling sad. The truth is, nothing is wrong. Nothing was ever wrong. It was all perfect, it's all perfect.

I was perfect when I was sad, when I was broke, that I felt abandoned, that I was jealous, that I got angry, that I didn't feel equal, or perfect, or pretty. That I didn't feel wanted or loved. It was perfect that I felt abandoned. I was never broken. It just felt that way.
Today, now, in this moment, I know that everything is ok. It's ok. It's ok that in this moment, I am not enlightened. I am closer to God than ever, but I am not completely there yet. I don't feel bummed out on myself that after my meditation, I have to go out into the world and live. There is nothing wrong with that, what I am doing or how I am living my life. I am doing the right things. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, daily. But I do my absolute best to tune in, ask for guidance and make choices accordingly. It's beautiful that each day I am learning how to attract and manifest what I need. That is true wealth. I have everything I need in this moment. I may not yet have what I need for tomorrow, but tomorrow doesn't exist yet. Only this moment does and if I take each moment consciously, I am sure not to miss out on anything. And if I do...it's ok.

Being sad, for so many years, allowed me to learn how to have compassion and understanding for people who are sad. I can help those who feel sad, I can love them, I can heal them. Going into my own pain, understanding it and allowing it to heal is a power beyond what I can describe. It is beauty. I am in myself, I am understanding myself, I am knowing myself and I love myself.

The time I have spent understanding how I am was not in vain. The pain was not in vain. I chose it. I chose it many lifetimes ago, I chose it before birth. Being alone here, right now and feeling so much  love I could explode....this is my test. This is my strength. Feeling so lonely and wanting so badly just to be held, in the arms of God, in the arms of my love, is where my strength will come from. Some days, I want to loose myself. Loose myself in another, in love, in a child, in marriage, in anything, in the darkness, in the light, in nothingness and quietness. I can hide when I am alone, but not  for long. I don't know how to tell you what goes on in my mind, but it goes on...and on...and on. My mind is a retarded monkey on steroids. It's annoying and it never stops.

Clarity with Nayaswami Kriyananda offering him a gift, receiving a blessing.

I have an idea of what I want to do for the rest of this week of vacation. I want to paint! I want to paint a piece for a dear sweet soul. I'm in Encinitas with like $7 in my wallet and not paints. So we will see what happens. God bless you.


Clarity

Laurelwood

I'm losing my mind and it feels wonderful

butterfly wings

I don't write on here much anymore. I guess it's hard for me to see the point sometimes. I used to think everything I was going through was so profound and it is, in a sense and in another sense, I just gotta get stuff done now. For years I let the fact that I felt disabled, emotionally mostly, stop me from moving forward in life. It stopped me from just doing what I wanted to do. The fact that my mother emotionally scarred me and I had a shitty birth experience, that has stopped me from living the way I want to live now. Growing up poor and never having anything, has stopped me from following my dreams. Fear of failure, anger from having my heart broken, unforgiveness, fatigue. All these dark experiences as a part of the human condition and consciousness, the darker side of life all is purifying, being transmuted, like alchemy into gold.

I had an insight in meditation this morning. I am a butterfly in a cocoon, not yet free. I am struggling to push free and my wings are frail and weak. It hurts, it burns and I ask for the pain to stop. But it is necessary, it is building my wings...so I can fly!!!! I can fly. The pain is necessary, I can't ask it to stop. I must endure. I want to be gentle on myself, stop hating on what I am. So what, I am not yet a butterfly fully. I will be soon. It will come, for all of us.

Deciding factor

So I was born with depression.
So I was born poor.
So What?

To all those I know and love

Thank you for sticking by me all these years, months, days... you know who you are. It's been a rough 28 years searching for myself, wanting so desperately to know who I am. I remember asking my dad the first time when I was 13, "why am I here, what is this all about?" He didn't know and couldn't tell me the answer because he was still searching himself.

I will tell you right now that the absolute most worthwhile goal of life is to ask yourself, "what is life" and "who am I"?

I was so unhappy for so many years, not feeling like I could just go on with the game without knowing more about what the game was all about and why was I even playing it? It's 7am and I just got back from an all night Chant for Peace at a Buddhist temple 2 hours outside of Portland, Oregon. We chanted, prayed and called God's name in many ways from many denominations, but it all felt the same. I just want to tell all of you that I love you, from the bottom of my soul. I know I haven't always been easy to deal with and that I can be pretty intense. It's because I just can't imagine just walking around asleep, I am impatient and I want to be fully alive and present NOW. Thanks for loving me and being my friend despite my silly ego. I see you and recognize you now and I am grateful to have you in my life.

There is an intensity and a fanaticism in my quest to wake up and I recognize that. I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't fully know myself, it was like I was sick and couldn't go on with life until I was well.

For so many years I denied myself any and even the smallest of desires. Cookies, muffins, bread, sugar, none of that was allowed. The idea of wanting a family, to be a mother, to have a harmonious and loving family seemed like the ultimate desire that I had to beat back with a stick. I was attempting to not accept and shun life but pretending it wasn't there. My perspective is switching, has switched recently. I have been told by spirit, to be more gentle on myself. Things arise and life presents challenges, I make mistakes and things sometimes don't go as planned, but it is only me who makes it hard on myself. I have the choice how I handle what life gives me. I have felt a shift where I can finally see clearly that all my desires have taken me somewhere. Not only somewhere, but somewhere great. A few years back, I had a desire to take a college graphic design course, not knowing where it would lead. Now, here I am at Laurelwood, designing loads upon loads of promotional materials, merchandise, advertisements, etc for such a worthy cause. I had a desire to take a business course, which, from my judgement, was a worldly thing to want. But now I know how to promote and manage and here I am promoting a spiritual event.  The thing is, the more I am getting to see this new perspective on life, the more I am seeing how everything that has happened to me was perfect to get me to be who I am today. The story I choose to hang onto is my choice. I will elaborate more later, I haven't slept in 24 hours and I am quickly fading. I'm going to energize and meditate and hopefully, I will see you later.

Love,
Clarity

Divine Mother Speak to Me

Today I said, "Divine mother, speak to me." And so she did.
"I want to hear you open up." And so she did.
I was in the dish room, she came in and said, "That was just such a lovely meal, all that peeling and chopping that you did. Thank you."
I heard her whisper to me, "Make grilled cheese sandwiches and fruit salad for dinner, that will make the people happy". So I did.

She spoke to me today, over and over again. She came to me and told me many things.
I told her about how the full moon last night, drew poison out of me, in the form of my emotions. The darkness became exposed and it was painful and stung like arrows. She told me today, "As sensitive as you are to the darkness and the negativity, you can become equally as sensitive to the light". She walked away and I told her, "You are a good brother" because that was how she came to me in that moment.

Speak to me I told her as I fervently washed the dishes, speak to me, I am open to hearing you.
She called me on the phone and told me, "Thank you for spending time with Mary yesterday, she had so much fun with you and how you let her drive the golf cart. She is shy sometimes but she really had fun with you." Divine mother made me feel good about having fun while I was working.

Speak to me divine mother speak to me.

She told me to write this blog, she asked me to write a college scholarship application, she woke me up this morning to do yoga. She is inside of me and you. She was the full moon last night, drawing me up the hill to sit and bask in her moonlit night. She is the love that pours through my dear friend, she is the discipline that pours through him too. She is with me when I go to my room at night alone and sit on my bed and think of her. She is in the music in my headphones when I lay down with my crystals and drift into sleep. She plans things for my life and when I let go and let her do things, they turn out beautiful and they are easy.
She is the soft voice of community dining in the dinner hall. And today she told me, "why have two enemies when you can have two friends." So I stopped judging them and I started appreciating and loving them. I started to see them as my family. I love my family and I don't judge them, I accept them and hear them. These people are becoming my family.

I dreamed last night and she showed me, I was holding onto the past. A figment of my imagination, something that once existed but was no longer real. She told me I could eat gluten again, and potato chips and sometimes a cookie. And it was fine, I didn't die and it was fun.

I don't care anymore, I don't need to worry about myself and what will happen because every time I let go and I love a little bit more, life is beautiful again. In this beautiful space that I have created from choice, from choosing positivity and light, she can come, she can enter.

I was crying outside on the grass this morning. Life felt very painful and my heart was overcome with sorrow. My head was in my hands and I was hunched over letting the tears drip down my face. She came to me and put her hand on my back. She brought me green tea with agave and told me, "unless you are going deep in meditation, there is really no point of being here". It made me think and made me remember her.

Kali, you are everywhere. Inside me and all around me and the more I remember this, I can never be apart. One day, I won't be apart from you, I will be you.

Batman's Perfection - Divine perception

My life is becoming perfection... such a divine perception.

I look around my room and it's clean, clear, neat and tidy. Despite the many tasks, demands, busy and huge obligations and responsibilities, my life is being held together. By some divine glue, my life has become spiritualized. It's perfect despite that I want to say otherwise. I am here tonight to honor myself and my process and to talk about my goals and ideals. To gain clarity for myself. I never thought that I could feel this successful inwardly. I am regaining a sense of what success truly is. It doesn't matter if every single person on Earth thinks I am a success, unless I feel it. What I feel is success, only I can measure. A lot my feeling of success comes from wanting to feel and be in tune with my life purpose, with being myself. Being who I truly am and acting despite the fear is truly being successful in my eyes.

Last night I went to watch the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises. In the movie I saw many parallels to my own life. Bruce Wayne, after being defeated and painfully humiliated, goes into hiding for 7 years. In this time he trains, he faces fears and builds his strength. He returns to the city, to face his past and to try out his new strength. He is met with breakthroughs, breakdowns, success and major failures. Once again, a broken man, he gives up and lets everything go, after he loses everything externally. Including the people he loved the most. Again, he is paralyzed by the pain that life has brought him and unable to cope with moving on. His past leaves him shattered and literally, crippled. Finally, he comes head to head with his past and his greatest fears and foes. He gets beat, bad, really bad and is given the choice of giving up completely, death. I don't wanna ruin the ending for you guys but I want to let you know, I know how this guy feels.

From the age of 21 to 28, seven years, I started to intensely meditate and heal from the trauma and painful experiences of childhood and adolescence. Some of these painful experiences were self inflicted and others were things that needed I needed to bring forgiveness to. After seven years of healing, I am coming to the point where moving forward and standing up is presenting itself once again. I am re-gaining strength and momentum and in that, the fear is definitely presenting itself. The past pain is surfacing and taunting me with failure being hung over my head. But I am not the same person, I am stronger, I have grown and changed and learnt. I will not make the same mistakes. I am smart and intuitive. Just because I grew up poor doesn't mean I am destined to relive the experiences that were there to present to me the lessons I needed to learn. Honesty, struggle, strength, perseverance, hard work, focus, gratitude, sharing, kindness, understanding, patience, spirituality. I will not allow the past to haunt me any longer, I will move forward. I have a mission and I know I have all the tools for success, I feel it in my bones and my blood. I am alive and well.


Sometimes I look at people who I see have been crippled, physically by life. I feel like "wow, they are doing so much even though they are crippled." What excuse do I have? Why am I here still talking about this? I am shifting, the world is shifting and everything around me seems to be falling perfectly into place. I must say that relaxing, into myself and life feels to make things a lot easier. Listening to the small but clear voice within is the biggest thing I have learnt in the last ten years of yoga and meditation. That voice has taken me this far and brought me the most beautiful gifts that life has to offer, inside and out. 


I am definitely re-inspired by life and the movie I saw last night. Although I believe the messages are always there wherever we are willing, open and receptive. Although Batman was incredibly violent and somewhat disturbing there were some jewels it had to offer... besides Christian Bale's hard pecs. 


Ommmm

Who would of thought poetry...

Opening
by Clarity West

Life is a reflection – perfection -
is a dream, not as it seems

Cosmically small and large

Galactic bursts of intelligent life

Flowing through ever cell and smile

The joy is overwhelming – opening my heart to love

Falling in love with life – letting go of fear and strife

My cosmic beloved has come down to me, in every flower, every cherry on a tree

He dreams of me and I of him

In my lovers kiss there can be no sin, guilt, worry, fear and shame – replaced by thee

The cosmic drum of duality

Night and day, work or play, I am learning to feel thee

After the day I relax from activity – this is the key to finding thee

Feeling thee when I cease my mental activity

Don’t be alarmed, it’s still me – just vibrating at a higher frequency

You are too high to frighten me as you hold me close, by your side – we fly you see

I asked for my divine to make love to me, high above in greater realities

In place, he sent me many friends, you see, so no choice is necessary

I can love all of thee in various forms and different bodies

Spread out across the stars in cosmic births – finally myself has been unearthed

All along she and I were there, I was simply unaware

That thou art the cosmic in I - and when I go I won’t really die

I will merge back with thee for eternity

Until once again I will join the reverie

Of this sacred family tree

called Earth

On My Lips Her Poetry Abides
Jeffrey Armstrong (Kavindra Rishi): 

Fragrant Aurora scatters her rosy petals,
Ushas, in whose hands the morning settles,
While the Twin Physicians guide the steeds –
Of Surya’s chariot with golden leads,
The ruddy dawn dragged on with luminous reins,
Shines across the grey and scattered rains.
Drops of perspiration from the clouds,
Apsaras dancing, saris draped in shrouds,
Reveal and hide their curves for Indra’s pleasure,
Deva Raja, flashes from his treasure,
Split the sky with early morning thunder,
On Uchaisravas, his elephant down under,
As Vayu blows the misty whisps away,
Savitri glistens forth another day.
Huta, Guta, God, the charcoal smoke,
Clings to Agni’s body like a cloak,
Arising slowly like some divine aha,
He licks the lips of crackling Svaha.
And just now I am beginning to awaken,
Watching this scene, my human pride is shaken,
My shell of an ego cracks and falls to Earth;
Naked, I am ready for another birth.
The ants are carrying my precious past away,
And with it my illusion that I know the way,
Something is breathing me in concert with the air,
The midwife has my head and is pulling with care.
But this time I am not screaming, I will chant,
Surrendering, a willing participant,
The Devas have agreed to let me see,
To drink a glass of Soma, taste ecstasy,
For I agreed to let these Angels watch,
While I am offered to the Goddess Vach.
And I am Hers now, all resistance is gone,
Sweet Sarasvati has another swan,
There on my wings Her sacred body rides,
While on my lips Her poetry abides.

Copyright 2012 Jeffrey Armstrong All Rights Reserved

Woke up this morning

Life is perfect...it's only my own resistance that makes it imperfect.

I want to make love to God. This love I am feeling for my heavenly father runs deep. My brother here at Laurelwood is inspiring and channeling Krishna, Jesus and my heart is throbbing with love for my divine. My parent, my partner.

July 6th, 2012 - My birth day

The morning of my birthday and what a day. It feels blissful, it feels complete.

Last night I facilitated an inner dance circle here at Laurelwood with four other very special souls.
It was a deep and integrative experience, dancing, moving, healing in the light of the setting sun, stars and rising moon. We stayed there all night and finally just fell asleep. It felt like such a diffrent kind of birthday for me this year because I feel centered. There is this balance inside myself that is always waiting.

I had some strong realizations last night and became very clear that I am being called to go to India. The calling is there and the doors are open, I have the goddess' blessing. I am asking my heavenly father now to provide the means to send me there. My spirit, my path is a very unique and individual route that I can no longer judge. It involved me surrendering and being more in spirit to really be able to tune into what and where I should be and go next. It's a flow that requires constant surrender and opening. My friends went deep into the inner dance energy and it is always so thrilling to see that we can be the cause of healing. Giving my life to spirit and constantly saying yes to these crazy journeys has actually been for a reason. Living in the Philippines with Jo was for a reason. It's scary to open myself up so fully but at the same, it feels so good to love. To love everyone and last night I saw them as myself. I have been afraid to open up to people for fear of abandonment and I'm starting to feel that deep down, many of us have felt these deeply repressed feelings, maybe even from birth. But I don't think it's abandonment from parents, partners or friends that the pain really stems from. I feel for me that it was a feeling of abandonment from God, from the day I was born. But you know what, last night I saw that spirit has been there all along. Every step of the way, constantly supporting me, loving me, providing for me, unconditionally, always. What a realization! How painful and tragic yet so beautiful and life shattering at the same time. How can I ever be the same?  All those moments I felt alone, all I had to do was to turn inwards and my best friend is there waiting for me.
.
My friends had my favourite cake for me last night; angel food and even coconut bliss ice cream. I have found a beautiful community here, a beautiful tribe and family. My family is large and spread out across the world. Last year I asked for something for my birthday on my blog site, two things actually and they both came true. This year I want to ask for my guru's will, that I can go on this trip to India in Oct. I have to raise $1000 by Aug 1st and then $2500 more to pay the balance. I feel that there is something deep waiting there for me and I see now that by me healing, it heals others and it gives others permission to open and follow their hearts. The next couple days I am allowing myself to be open, to receive what God is blessing me with, here and now. The need to feel strong is something I ususally feel and sometimes, this can be a lonely journey. Going inside so much is not something I see much in this society.  But the thing is, life feel so much more enjoyable when I am centered and enjoying it from that place inside myself. Ok, my friends are waiting and we're off to the beach.

Love you all, God bless
xox

My 28th birthday

I can't have control and have a surprise. I can't receive a surprise birthday party and maintain control at the same time. This is a reflection as to what is happening in my life right. I am being asked, shown, that if I let go, I will receive a gift better than I could possibly imagine for myself. But I am trying to plan that everything goes right on my birthday, making sure all the details are right, so I don't have to worry about it. So I can be surprised? It doesn't make any sense. It's either let go and be surprised and let divine mother plan the party, flow with it, receive what comes or put all my energy, intention and focus into making something happen. Going half way doesn't work. It's akward and it's not a surprise. I can't be planning my surprise birthday. Getting so involved in what I think works and doesn't is just as silly as me jumping out of the closet to surprise myself. Ahh. How do I possibly get along with myself? I am impossible.

What it is is my attachment to doing things right. Or thinking about what is right. Doing things perfectly or not doing them at all. I have fear of failure. Fear of doing something and it looking bad, or worse, me looking bad. There are so many things I could take on, I could spin my wheels and have them turn, but I'm afraid one may fall and break. And then what? People will be disappointed, they will be upset, they will call me a failure, worse, I will feel like a failure. Instead, I wait, I procrastinate and then tell myself it's too late. That is a choice too, I am making a decision when I am choosing not to choose anything. It's like I really want things to just come but at the same time, I'm not relaxed enough to know how to put out major energy and then just let them come. I am either too relaxed and thus, not making it happen or putting out too much energy, and forcing things to happen. It's a balance that I am learning about right now and damn, it requires me putting out every bit of focus I have. Meditation helps and I couldnt't, could not, absolutely not do any of this without that balance in my life. Centering is what keeps me going day after day and even on 4 hours sleep, here I am, awake and ready. The flow, being in the flow is what it's all about for me these days.

I turn 28 tomorrow. I think I remember blogging this time last year on the day before my birthday. I will have to check that post out. Fortunately for me, I was surprised with an amazing pre-birthday gift. My good friend Sri Timothy Knox invited a sweet sister of mine to come stay here at Laurelwood. She has been here since last night and so far it's like she is part of the family. I am just happy I'm going to spend my birth day celebration with two of my sweetest friends, Hana and Timothy. These two souls, though in the bodies of 19-year-olds these are the oldest and wisest people I know, crystal kids for sure. An inner dance session is in order and on a full belly of cake and ice cream I'm sure it will be all the more sweet.
xox

xox

India

How could I possibly ever be mean to another being? It is like directly doing harm to myself. I am becoming highly apathetic although I feel like I may have always been like this. I hid myself from the world for so many years, hid from myself, afraid of being rejected. Not hard to imaginehaving grown up in Catholic school, heck, any school. This westernized educational system pretty much stamps out societal clones.

So many aspects of who I used to be are starting to re-imerge. The young Charity I was when I was a little girl is coming back to life. I can't avoid life anymore, it is unmistakably right there in front of me. I am starting to see that the more I can take responsibility for my life as my life, the more amazing it is becoming. How can I be successful if my life is constantly at the wisp and whim of everyone else.

These days it is so uncomfortable to be anything but truth and light. Being a channel is the most remarkable experience and it is taking over my life fully. Some interresting prospects have come up in the last couple weeks including an opportunity to go to India. It seems absurd and totally not something I had planned or even had in mind. But at the same time, it feels so completely right and natural. My mind has struggled the past week or so with the thought because where will the money come? How will it all work? But I know and I trust that if his will is for me to go, all doors are open.

It's about re-learning how to be in this world now, starting fresh. I have an opportunity to let go of the old unworkable patterns and fully and truly become who I want to be. I am not controlled or forced live a life that just follows some cookie cutter or pre-destined path. I have the freedom to let go of who I was raised to be and just say "I am me". It involves un-learning all the times I was taught that it wasn't ok to be me. That I needed to be something better, diffrent or more. I am and have always been perfect. Perfectly me. I am free in that. God and me have a lot of talking to do but for now, I better turn the light out. I love you and I love feeling good inside myself.
I am safe, I am sound, in God's light, in love always.

After cleanse thoughts

Just completed 7 Days on Master's cleanse (not to be confused with the Master cleanse).
The goddess is back. That is what I heard so strongly yesterday. She is awakening on the planet again, through me, through all female bodies, through mother earth. I moved and danced and felt how light and joyful it is to be alive. This is my true nature and all the stuff that bogs me down, it is only temporary. My soul is always untouched, pure, natural and free. It takes a cleanse or seclusion to get back to that sometimes. Last night I came up to my room after a long day of cleansing and serving in the kitchen. I had one hour to myself to actually go deep into quiet and explore this cleanse inwardly before I would absolutely need to pass out. I decided to journal and at first it felt forced but very quickly I was just writing full out, stream of consciousness and so many realizations were coming to me. This cleanse was not like shaking up the earth, but it was powerful and sweet in many ways. It showed me that I don't have to keep feeling like I need to overhaul myself and my life. Maybe finally after years of intense cleansing, fasting, praying, ceremony, medicines it's time to start accepting myself. Maybe it's time to start polishing rather than demolishing. I'm seeing too that very little ridiculous anger or pain came out, just some residual stuff from issues I've been working on for years. Mother stuff, sister stuff, you know, the usual. Anywho, I'm making dinner for the community tonight so I gotta head out. Love you all so much. Drop me a line sometime.
xoxo
C

Solstice

http://anandalaurelwood.org/

Getting real

I HAVE to be honest with myself.

To be a good partner, requires first the ability just to be a good friend. If I don’t know how to truly be a good friend to someone how can I be a partner, which involves complete support of their highest good even over your own desires  and will.

I have to be honest with myself that every time I am looking in a mirror, going shopping, etc., I am saying to myself, I am this. Every morning when I sit in meditation and go into spirit, I am affirming, I am that. I am a soul, I am spirit.

I have been looking at people, a things, at life and situations picking out the bad points, seeing the flaws. The worst part is I have been doing that with my friends, seeing the bad qualities and then judging them and not liking them for those qualities, feeling hurt, mad and upset at them. Not forgiving them. It has been so difficult on myself truly because I constantly am in fear in a subtle way that I am being judged, disliked, not loved. This is all based on my own inner reality from the subtle emotions, thoughts that are going on within myself.

I have been feeling  a vicitim to life, like I have no choice in the decisions and choices I make. So I haven’t been making powerful choices and then feeling upset like I am missing out on life and what I truly want. The fact of the matter is I have been scared to make choices because I am scared to use my own will to make something happen, scared it is the wrong choice. In the past I used my will a lot and then always felt the pain when I was making the wrong choice. The thing is I didn’t have the courage to tune into myself to ask what the right thing was. That would involve being centered in myself and asking and it may be answer or a direction I didn’t want to face. The hardest thing to face right now is just taking responsibility for my own life because it involves being totally and utterly present with myself. Which means facing anything and everything that is there inside of me. All the outer projections I have had on other people is all pointing back to myself. What I thought people were doing to me and how their attitudes affected me could be shifted to me seeing how far they’ve really come and how many great things they have achieved. This attitude is all around me but I can choose to reverse it and see the good and positive in everyone and everything no matter how imperfect it may seem. Imagine how much my feeling of myself and my reality would shift if I was constantly giving compassion and forgiveness. I would also receive compassion and forgiveness.

I am back to myself this morning, thank God. After five days straight of design work, little sleep and barely coherent meditation. I allowed myself to relax into my yoga practice this morning and everything flowed so perfectly, so sweetly. I am getting ready to start Yogananda's Master’s cleanse on Wens. My intention is to release fear. Embrace love, my true self.

Cheese please

I just need to eat the cheese or not eat the cheese. All or nothing girl. I see myself dabbling in things but not really going all the way. Dangling on the verge of having my film produced and released but not fully jumping into it. Putting a little bit of cheese on my taco, but not enough to really make a huge diffrence. I have been scared to really go for it or to really let it go. I feel like this letting go process I am going through right now needs to be fully honored. I need to completely go into it so then, I will know what is truly mine.

I haven't really felt like blogging or writing lately nor have I felt like pursuing my business activities, something I was so passionate about only a few months ago. I am going through major healing, growth here at the community. I can hardly recognize myself anymore and it really feels like a force beyond myself is taking over. It is a total relief because today I just felt so much grace and guidance. I wasn't beating up on myself for once because I felt like I was finally doing the right thing for once. I am not deliberately trying to rebel or be contrare or creating waves, I am just being.

There are several key factors into the healing that is taking place but in large part, it is just being at peace with myself. Letting people be and letting myself be feels really good. I want to be as mellow as a rasta and as disciplined as an ascetic yogi. I want to ecstatically dance like Ma and be as free flowing and beautiful as Sita and Radha.

I was told that this August would be a very important month for me, several years ago. And I have anticipated it every since. I am starting to feel like what could be more exciting than discovering who I really am. I feel more like myself, more in myself than I have in years. Maybe since I was a kid, when everything was fresh and alive. I cried a lot this morning in meditation, I'm not even sure why but it felt healing after. I have a good friend here and he has been an incredible instrument of healing and support. God has always supported me through my close friends and those loved ones around me. I am grateful...full, happy and healthy with a belly full of nachos and cheese.