To all those I know and love

Thank you for sticking by me all these years, months, days... you know who you are. It's been a rough 28 years searching for myself, wanting so desperately to know who I am. I remember asking my dad the first time when I was 13, "why am I here, what is this all about?" He didn't know and couldn't tell me the answer because he was still searching himself.

I will tell you right now that the absolute most worthwhile goal of life is to ask yourself, "what is life" and "who am I"?

I was so unhappy for so many years, not feeling like I could just go on with the game without knowing more about what the game was all about and why was I even playing it? It's 7am and I just got back from an all night Chant for Peace at a Buddhist temple 2 hours outside of Portland, Oregon. We chanted, prayed and called God's name in many ways from many denominations, but it all felt the same. I just want to tell all of you that I love you, from the bottom of my soul. I know I haven't always been easy to deal with and that I can be pretty intense. It's because I just can't imagine just walking around asleep, I am impatient and I want to be fully alive and present NOW. Thanks for loving me and being my friend despite my silly ego. I see you and recognize you now and I am grateful to have you in my life.

There is an intensity and a fanaticism in my quest to wake up and I recognize that. I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't fully know myself, it was like I was sick and couldn't go on with life until I was well.

For so many years I denied myself any and even the smallest of desires. Cookies, muffins, bread, sugar, none of that was allowed. The idea of wanting a family, to be a mother, to have a harmonious and loving family seemed like the ultimate desire that I had to beat back with a stick. I was attempting to not accept and shun life but pretending it wasn't there. My perspective is switching, has switched recently. I have been told by spirit, to be more gentle on myself. Things arise and life presents challenges, I make mistakes and things sometimes don't go as planned, but it is only me who makes it hard on myself. I have the choice how I handle what life gives me. I have felt a shift where I can finally see clearly that all my desires have taken me somewhere. Not only somewhere, but somewhere great. A few years back, I had a desire to take a college graphic design course, not knowing where it would lead. Now, here I am at Laurelwood, designing loads upon loads of promotional materials, merchandise, advertisements, etc for such a worthy cause. I had a desire to take a business course, which, from my judgement, was a worldly thing to want. But now I know how to promote and manage and here I am promoting a spiritual event.  The thing is, the more I am getting to see this new perspective on life, the more I am seeing how everything that has happened to me was perfect to get me to be who I am today. The story I choose to hang onto is my choice. I will elaborate more later, I haven't slept in 24 hours and I am quickly fading. I'm going to energize and meditate and hopefully, I will see you later.

Love,
Clarity