Getting real

I HAVE to be honest with myself.

To be a good partner, requires first the ability just to be a good friend. If I don’t know how to truly be a good friend to someone how can I be a partner, which involves complete support of their highest good even over your own desires  and will.

I have to be honest with myself that every time I am looking in a mirror, going shopping, etc., I am saying to myself, I am this. Every morning when I sit in meditation and go into spirit, I am affirming, I am that. I am a soul, I am spirit.

I have been looking at people, a things, at life and situations picking out the bad points, seeing the flaws. The worst part is I have been doing that with my friends, seeing the bad qualities and then judging them and not liking them for those qualities, feeling hurt, mad and upset at them. Not forgiving them. It has been so difficult on myself truly because I constantly am in fear in a subtle way that I am being judged, disliked, not loved. This is all based on my own inner reality from the subtle emotions, thoughts that are going on within myself.

I have been feeling  a vicitim to life, like I have no choice in the decisions and choices I make. So I haven’t been making powerful choices and then feeling upset like I am missing out on life and what I truly want. The fact of the matter is I have been scared to make choices because I am scared to use my own will to make something happen, scared it is the wrong choice. In the past I used my will a lot and then always felt the pain when I was making the wrong choice. The thing is I didn’t have the courage to tune into myself to ask what the right thing was. That would involve being centered in myself and asking and it may be answer or a direction I didn’t want to face. The hardest thing to face right now is just taking responsibility for my own life because it involves being totally and utterly present with myself. Which means facing anything and everything that is there inside of me. All the outer projections I have had on other people is all pointing back to myself. What I thought people were doing to me and how their attitudes affected me could be shifted to me seeing how far they’ve really come and how many great things they have achieved. This attitude is all around me but I can choose to reverse it and see the good and positive in everyone and everything no matter how imperfect it may seem. Imagine how much my feeling of myself and my reality would shift if I was constantly giving compassion and forgiveness. I would also receive compassion and forgiveness.

I am back to myself this morning, thank God. After five days straight of design work, little sleep and barely coherent meditation. I allowed myself to relax into my yoga practice this morning and everything flowed so perfectly, so sweetly. I am getting ready to start Yogananda's Master’s cleanse on Wens. My intention is to release fear. Embrace love, my true self.