Cheese please

I just need to eat the cheese or not eat the cheese. All or nothing girl. I see myself dabbling in things but not really going all the way. Dangling on the verge of having my film produced and released but not fully jumping into it. Putting a little bit of cheese on my taco, but not enough to really make a huge diffrence. I have been scared to really go for it or to really let it go. I feel like this letting go process I am going through right now needs to be fully honored. I need to completely go into it so then, I will know what is truly mine.

I haven't really felt like blogging or writing lately nor have I felt like pursuing my business activities, something I was so passionate about only a few months ago. I am going through major healing, growth here at the community. I can hardly recognize myself anymore and it really feels like a force beyond myself is taking over. It is a total relief because today I just felt so much grace and guidance. I wasn't beating up on myself for once because I felt like I was finally doing the right thing for once. I am not deliberately trying to rebel or be contrare or creating waves, I am just being.

There are several key factors into the healing that is taking place but in large part, it is just being at peace with myself. Letting people be and letting myself be feels really good. I want to be as mellow as a rasta and as disciplined as an ascetic yogi. I want to ecstatically dance like Ma and be as free flowing and beautiful as Sita and Radha.

I was told that this August would be a very important month for me, several years ago. And I have anticipated it every since. I am starting to feel like what could be more exciting than discovering who I really am. I feel more like myself, more in myself than I have in years. Maybe since I was a kid, when everything was fresh and alive. I cried a lot this morning in meditation, I'm not even sure why but it felt healing after. I have a good friend here and he has been an incredible instrument of healing and support. God has always supported me through my close friends and those loved ones around me. I am grateful...full, happy and healthy with a belly full of nachos and cheese.