There is so much harmony flowing through Laurelwood

I'm finally starting to love it here at Laurelwood and now I'm leaving. I'm heading to Ananda Pune in India in less than 3 weeks. It's scary and exciting but mostly it's scary right now.

When I arrived here at the Portland Ananda community on March 28, 2012, I had more than my fair share of  fears, trepidation and the normal anxiety. The idea of communal living and abandoning my daily freedom, this was a hard concept to grasp. My heart, delicate and sensitive when I arrived, harshly judged many things about this place and the people living here. They are not saints, is what I concluded, but what was I expecting?  I see now that it was very difficult for me to immediately open my heart to everyone. I knew I would be here for awhile and what if I didn't like what was going on? This was the final road for me, there was nothing else,  I had tried everything and it was all dead ends. If this didn't work, I was lost.

I was  resistant to so readily accept everything I was being fed. I felt hurt many times because I believed that others opinions directly reflected the community's views and ideals. Since I felt many of them were not in sync with my own beliefs, it left me feeling alienated and isolated. But I see now that people are just people. We are so full of our own beliefs, that sometimes it's even hard just to hear another person and what they think about life.  In a way it has been absolutely ground breaking and earth shattering here at Laurelwood, or maybe just ego shattering. To be here alone with 30 other people on 55 acres. Running a community in the first year of it's birth with our leaders living off property. Now that is a task. It has been a wild ride here at Laurelwood.

So many crazy habits and old ways of being, hurts, pains, emotions, fears; all dragged in from the world. Each one of us bringing a myriad of experiences shaping the way we see and go about life. But the undercurrent is the belief and practice of the love and devotion which comes from our spiritual path, driving the whole thing forward.  Not to mention all the beauty, kindness, self offering, servicefulness and willingness to get up each and every day to do what needs to be done next. I feel like an absolutely different person from the day arrived. I still have my old coat and boots in the back of the closet, which I have never put back on I must mention.

My attachment to myself and life as I thought it should be is slowly crumbling off like an old skin of a tree. I am watching something beautiful emerge from this whole experience and it has nothing to do with achievements though I have many to show from the months of being here in the daily flow. Things flow smoothly here, most of the time, when we are all synced up. It's incredible to watch how every single day, exactly what we need appears. Even just making dinner in the kitchen, when we start with a prayer it's almost like this amazing thing that happens when the dinner is ready on time always the same everyday. We are always in awe at how just the right person shows up to help when we need help or we find a random ingredient for a recipe and no one knows exactly where it came from. Laurelwood has slowly and sneakily crept itself into my heart and become my home.I so callously guarded myself from the possibility of these people becoming my family, but they have become just that. I see now that it was fear. Fear of attachment, of loss, of love, of happiness and fear of  light.  There has been so much bliss in this little bubble of a place, it's kind of a miracle there are not more people living here right now. But I strongly believe that one day there will be.

My life has become a flow that is being taken over by something much larger than myself. My life is being lived in a way that is way more meaningful and fulfilling than anything I could of every thought for myself. Money, career; all these seemed so primary for me when I arrived here. God bless Daiva, our co-spiritual director, for how patient he was with me as I complained about the music, the schedule, the lack of feminine energy, the long work days and on and on. He was so damn patient with me, as if he'd never heard it before. I'll never forget his first response to my sniffling and nagging, "then move to Polestar". (A community of equal caliber but based in Hawaii) I have had the pleasure of being mentored and in the company of, frankly, world class people. I am talking in terms of strength, wisdom, talent, creativity, intellect, grace and intuition. What is happening here at Laurelwood is a small but extraordinarily large miracle. There is so much harmony flowing through Laurelwood.

I am finding out more and more about myself  here and it is not who I thought I was. I am finding out that the more I let go of  "me", the happier I am becoming. I can actually say that I am happy. I can say that. This is a miracle that one day will hold a great significance. I just came from gardening and planting some new snap peas in our little green house out in the garden today. Spending time with Sharon, Jacob and Aumkara feeding and nourishing these little plants. It was so simple, but brought me a lot of inner joy. The simple things seem to be the only things worth living for. I am convinced that this will be the way of the future, community is the only way to go, to grow.

I wanted to share this because I am leaving soon on a 3 month trip to visit an Ananda community in Pune, India. I have been feeling a bit torn that I am going. I finally love it here at Laurelwood and I'm leaving?
I had to analyze and scrutinize myself to make sure this was the right decision.  Not some self created technique for escaping myself or committing wholeheartedly. A fellow bramacharini happened to mention to me today: "You know the vow you committed to, no attachment to people, places or things. Why do you think it is that you are leaving now that you are suddenly feeling comfortable".  She reminded me that I recently took renunciate vows in October. Maybe sometimes when we are too comfortable, we stop growing?

Just like those little snap peas with strings holding them up for support while they gain traction, I required just that. Though the training and disciplines weren't always gentle, it was what I needed. In fact, it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. And all it was was just facing myself. I have a deep feeling of peace and gratitude for the time I have spent here and I know that I will carry Laurelwood in my heart while I am gone. The blessing is having this place here and knowing I can return. I would be absolutely lost without it. I am deeply, deeply indebted and grateful to the founders, participants, creator of and affiliates of Ananda Center at Laurelwood and all I can do is humbly say: Thank you.  And to my guru and Paramatman (the supreme soul) for guiding me here, Jai!