Cloudy and overcast with a chance of...

My emotional weather is cloudy and overcast with occasional breaks of sunshine.
I am moving from grey, winter, snowy days to lighter brighter promises of Spring.
I am holding inner sunshine in the darkest hours.
It can't get much worse so it's really not that bad.
I am becoming something new. In nine months, it will be unveiled.
I am re-birthing.
I am becoming something, someone, something.
I am nothing, no-one, no thing.
Disappearing the ego, killing the ego is what I felt this morning in meditation.
I have been attempting to kill the ego.
It sounds violent - it is.
Maybe the pain I have been experiencing is from that which I am trying to do?
Does the ego need to die?
I ask for it. I pray for it. Purify me. Completely and utterly.
and then I cry. Why is this happening to me?
Who is crying? Who is sad.
Mind is sad. Ego is hurt, offended, defensive. It sucks.
Let myself feel what I feel, feels nice, feels good. It goes away.
I am open and raw, completely unveiled and disarmed.
No one can hurt me anymore. I have complete responsibility for what is.
I have control over my emotional weather.
Whether it is sunny and clear or cloudy and overcast.
No one can control or manipulate my emotional weather.
I must keep my weather clear, clean and healthy.
My meditation was deep this morning. Deep like an endless crystal clear pool, washing me
and opening it's gorgeous, cleansing, white curtains of peace.
I was engulfed. It's all over. There is nothing else, nothing more or better.
All the pain, all the hurt from the past. That is my blessing. That is who I am
and how I have become cleansed. That pain was the blessing.
I am ready to close my eyes and finally open them.
I am in the process of letting go.
Forgivness is washing over me and giving me permission to start over.
When someone apologizes, it;s all over. We must forgive.
If not, we make a choice to keep on hurting.
What about when they don't apologize.
We can still forgive, ourselves, them. We can free ourselves.
The mood, the weather is there but I am allowing it to just settle,
like a cloud and maybe it will blow away before I go to bed.