Whenever I get set on something I want to do, like doing the
energization exercises for example. I am energizing so I can energize, to have
the result of more alertness and energy afterwards. But half way through the exercises, I want
to quit. It’s being in the moment of energizing that is enjoyable, not wanting to be somewhere else. When the energizing really
counts is in the moments, not just doing it mechanically. Joy comes from being in the moment…something
I have not practiced much this life. I see my fear of being fully present here in my body, my heart has been closed. Fear of being present means fear of being
present to all sensations including pleasure, pain, loss and gain.
I am learning from my Buddhist friend to accept the pain, the suffering, the joy and not try to make it go away or
change it. The great part about this practice is you can be going through
complete agonizing physical, emotional or spiritual pain and you just continue to go on. You
just do. Because you know that underneath it all, you are loved, you are pure joy and you are untouched. Your soul is perfect and God has never left you. Find something that drives you forward or someone and stick with it,
stay with your goal.
I feel like I am being given a new mature way of looking at life.
This view-point comes from the yogic philosophy called Raja Yoga. This
path makes me a responsible co-creator in life rather than a victim or
sitting on the side line.
Love has been spontaneously welling up in great spasms and bursts,
the love I am feeling for people here is overwhelming. Immediately the ego
seeks to have a form, or vessel to direct this love. This happened when I
first came to Laurelwood. I began to have a major heart opening experiences, where so
much love and divine mother
energy would pour through me I would literally feel high. I had a new best friend here at the
time and all that love and energy just poured through me into him. I wanted the
very best and highest for his healing and soul evolution and recognized him deeply
as a soul friend but found it hard not to personalize my love for him.
I probably don’t have to tell you how the situation ended up, but you can
imagine. What goes up must come down and it did, boy did I go down. Bu I am
getting a second shot at it.
Last night I read something about us humans, fully accepting being
in our body. Being here in our body and fully experiencing everything that
comes to us. Taking it as an opportunity to grow and to ask the universe what it is teaching us
in this moment, moment by moment. As I mentioned earlier, I never wanted to really be fully present. It translated into not ever really wanting to be alive. Life was a burden, something to be endured. I prayed many times before to leave. In
fact, I was given the opportunity to go once.
This was the first but not the only experience I have had with
death or wanting to die. From a yogic standpoint, I witness how desperately I have wanted to kill the ego. Kill
my ego. It sounds violent … and it is. It has been. I have made it that way. I don't know any other way. Death is not easy, unless we let go. The process has been an agonizing
journey. But I have absolute faith and confidence that there is nothing more.
My second experience with death, well... that experience I will share another time. Thanks for staying up with me. I love you always in God.
I love how honest you are. You are such a warrior. Although I will say one thing. Yoganada says that the point of meditation is not to "kill" the ego, but to refine it. The ego can be tuned to work for you instead against you. I feel like ego has it's importance too because it is part of who you are, and essentially makes us individual.
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