A letter from Tom in the Philippines

Hi C,

So much in your letter, it feels like a week long conversation. I know what you are going through, and it reminds me of sometimes in my past.

Once I was sitting in church with the family, Kathi and four small children. Hard to even imagine that now... Church??

The meeting was going on as they do, but inside me something was crawling and wanted out. Emotion, rage, confusion, tension, birth ?

I left the meeting and drove to the mountains, the only place I could think to go where there was no people, no noise. I climbed up a trail I knew at Horse tail falls, a treacherous climb that would discourage most. On reaching the top and surveying the surrounding Sierra Neveda mountains, I saw a hole under some boulders that looked safe, hidden and quiet. A natural womb of granite and dirt.

I curled into a embryo and listened to the ticking timebomb inside me. I had to either disarm it or... let it blow! As it turned out life was not ready to let me go quietly into release, as the sound of voices began to grow in my ears. Two hikers in full chit chat mode walk within 8 feet of me!!! I now know why a guy loads five guns and goes on a rampage.

Is there no peace to be had? How far must I go for simple silence?

There was just enough sanity left in me to leave the pin in the hand granade, although most everything else in me want to end it all. I prayed...

"What are you teaching me? What is this churning in my gut that feels like "Alien" the movie? Help me sort this out!!

I stayed for awhile, maybe hours, I don't know, but did find my way down the mountain with some peace restored. There was no clear answer to what was happening inside me, but it went away and I was able to go on.

As I sit here and think back, it comes to me now that my soul was getting ready for a jail break. A just as the birth process is both miserable and dangerous to a small child, it is the only way out!

Much followed that Sunday many years ago and it seems now like only one page in "War and Peace" the book of Tom.

Clarity, you show many signs of being birthed or... making your own jail break. Keep watching the insanity that surrounds you and feel the beast in your belly that wont rest until liberation is certain. I also know that these events in your life are part of a much bigger picture, a picture you drew up ages ago. And weather you like it or not... it is all perfect! Maybe not from the ego mind which is wired toward separation and thus... drama. Yes, everything is OK, just keep believing that while you move from "adult child" to "adult adult", a process of taking full responsibility for your life, living in full integrity, and being present in the moment, only... always!

Are you ready for awe? I have a gift for you. Go to "Vimeo" and search for "ashes and snow https://vimeo.com/29498902 a video that still has me entranced. Animals and humans living the higher order, the natural order. There is a 45 minute full version I found on "kick as torrents." Watching this will not make your process go away, but it may remind you that there are awake people walking the planet and living an example of "wholeness".

Loves.