The pain, the pain, the pain again with the pain. The fear, the fear, the fear, the fear. Afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to put myself out there, expose myself. So instead, I get angry and I cover myself up. Again and again, these two little figures sitting, one on each shoulder. The voice of the devil and the other, the angels. A great man, Paulo Roberto said: you must be able to discern which voices are whispering to you. When you have high thoughts, it is the voice of the angels. When it is low thoughts, the voice of the demonic ones. And the last, the voice of yourself. So you must know yourself so you can always discern which voice is talking to you.

I am cracking up. Life is cracking up around me. I am struggling to hold on with everything I have and at the same time totally and utterly losing control. I am mad. God is mad, completely crazy, out of his mind. What is this thing we are living everyday. It feels like a hellish realm yet I yearn with everything inside my being to bring Peace and Harmony to this family. To the world, to my own family. I wish to give birth but in another way or form I don't fully understand. My being wants to give birth to life yet everything around me is trying to tear it down.

The past, the dirt, the sickness, has been trying to drag this pure being of light through it. Please let it down my girl. You are a princess, you are my daughter in this kingdom, you are free. He tells me over and over. I love you more than anything on this earth. All I want is you father, everything on this planet is empty without you. You are the only thing I want. Please, please take me home. I yearn, I ached. I force myself to meditate, day in and day out if only to come a little closer to him, to my true home. Why does it take me getting to the edge always to reach out. You are my only friend right now.

Homework seems ridiculous right now. Something I care very little about. I'm not going to change anything anymore, I give in. I want to be part of my family, I cried for community. But can I accept them? Accept that human beings are not perfect, not at all. But can I be ok with that. The Ayahusca medicine and it's teachings are coming back strong, are showing me what i experienced and why. All the lessons I wasn't able to face a year ago. I was shown my daily state of consciousness magnified and how toxic and hard it is to constantly live in guilt, in fear, in shame. Human conditions we have been passed from our ancestors. Is any of this making any sense? Always wanting to be somewhere either than here. What is this human condition I have inherited. I never asked for it.

My consciousness is not of this planet, my mind, my spirit is inward everyday communing with the divine. I want to be closer, close, I want to be in spirit. Visiting all those realms put me in touch with something else. I never knew life would be so hard, I had some idea that it would be easier. Life is tough. But somehow, there is light. I know there is, all I have to do is look up and I see it.  It is pouring out of me and all around me. My ego, the ego is thick, it wants to survive. I want to purify. Someone said that I am special. How special is it to turn away from the emptiness of the world and want God. I think that is common sense. There is nothing here to make me happy. Men, relationships, all that led me down a dark and ugly road. I don't want that. I want the purity. The gold. I am going for the real Gold. The love of God is like nothing else. I want the best, the very highest, the only one who will never leave or abandon me. I just read my little sister's blog, Unchained Thoughts, she is a profound and deep writer. She is in love for her first time, as am I.