NOW or never

I've been on a vision quest since June 2009. It's now February 2013. Almost 4 years.
In the Native American way, four years is a full cycle. Pi Villaraza, a baylan (Philippine shaman) told me after doing a healing on me: the vision quest has to end sometime. It may be now. But it may not.

I have been going through a healing crisis for four years, I have been in constant cleanse mode. Imagine being on a cleanse for four years. Not only did I get addicted to cleansing but I may have also got addicted to the pain. Things are rough when you are cleansing because it is exactly that, cleansing out the old to make new for the new. This involves experiencing and facing the toxic things that come up. That is the only way to remove them or at least let them pass into the light.My main way of letting this stuff go has been prayer. A constant and ongoing prayer 24/7.

Lately, I have been waking up early in the morning automatically and I will sit right up and start meditating, without even a thought. This cleanse, fast, vision quest has been extremely detrimental to my social and friendship life. I can't honestly say that after all this time I have too many close friends. Although the people I have connected with over these past four years have been amazing soul searchers as well and the connections, however short, are deep. I feel connected to many people around the globe who I have had the pleasure of questing with. All my friends love God. How amazing is that?

My past was really rough, I mean really rough. It is all coming to a head right now and I am offering it into and inviting in the light. Because where the light comes in, darkness cannot remain.

I'm sure it has not been easy being around me the past few months especially, I have been pretty inward. It seems that to move on with life there is a certain part of this whole journey I have to put down. I have to let the search go and be where I am now. I asked for community and I found one. I asked for God and she came. Divine mother is showing me parts of myself that are so connected and so beautiful. This solid earth, material life has been totally not a part of my reality these past years. I have been off on other realms and it may be time to come back. I'm just saying, it may be. I have not been living and operating in the same reality most everyday people are. I have been communing with other realms and looking to return there and be more and more in spirit. I have been tearing down walls and tearing down my material life. I have nothing but if you were to rip open my chest, you would find a golden treasure buried deep within. It may be the beginning now, of getting back to life.

Years ago I gave up my apartment, my home and everything I owned and I journeyed. I went all over the place. Recently I gave up a trip to India and that may be a sure sign that I am ready to start re-building roots into the soil of Earth. It may take time, patience and extreme unconditional love, but I know with God's help, I can do it. My heart is overwhelmed as it has grown accustomed to withdrawing, to being inside. The thought of going out into the world and just living life seems empty. But that is a fear from the past because it was empty before I found the gold inside, the fear is the separation,. But I can live life differently this time, in a conscious way, in attunment. I can live with joy and love this time. Keeping connection with source is my main goal. I know it all sounds crazy and extreme, but I am.

Well, first things first. Eating breakfast would be a great start to the day, so that is what I am going to do now. Then I'm going to e-mail my family and thank them for helping support me to get into school, something I have wanted to do for years. I have quoted this before but it comes up often, "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto thee".

If you haven't seen my documentary film trailer, here it is. Completing this film completed may be a good way to process and complete the quest.

Jai love!