Just be

I finally got my room set up, my home and now I have to go. For the first time in at least two years, I am sleeping on my own bed. I have my paintings up on my wall. I have a wardrobe. I am incredibly grateful for everything I have, no matter how small. Vitamins, water, sheets, daily meals. Being in the road these past few years had made me grateful for the stability and peace that comes with staying still. Growing up with very little has also made me so incredibly appreciative for things that others just think as common. Right now, I am just so grateful for my bed. This trip to India started to become overwhelming today because it's like, once again, I'm moving. The gypsy blood, Daiva calls it. After this last trip to Vancouver, I'm finally starting to understand why it is so beneficial to just be happy where we are. Everyone keeps telling me how jealous they are and how lucky I am to get to go on a trip to India. Am I? I really am seeing it differently right now. I have had the unfortunate or fortunate karma of having pretty much anything I focus on manifest. I think this must be a common thing for yogis since magnetism is built through meditation. The unfortunate part is a lot of times I have wanted things that pretty much took me backward. Or so it felt. But I'm learning. I'm learning that material gifts and wealth are not always a blessing. Because if you have the option to do whatever you want, your going to do just that. It takes incredible atunment and discipline to tune in your will with the divine's will. I am grateful right now for spiritual gifts. For meditation, for yoga, for Laurelwood and the countryside. Thank God.

If you read my last blog you probably noticed I was a bit bitter after 9 days in the city. Man, that place will just zap the energy right out of you. Not only that but I told my friend today I spent 9 days with my family and he was like "what, I would never do more than 3 days, 3 max with the family". He is right. 9 days was too much. I mean 9 days with anyone is too much. But you know how it is with family. Anyways. I love them. Another thing I am realizing I need gratitude for is my health. I never had any health problems, including any back problems. Recently, my back is aching. I have no idea why but it is right at the lower spine. I have a feeling the sexual energy has built up there and is creating some imbalance which is pulling on my lower spine. Just a thought, I'm not really sure. It feels so good to be home and to rest. Man, it is such a huge lesson for me just to listen to that inner still voice. Like today is Sunday and I was gonna go bust a move in town and get more work done, even though I was completely exhausted from travelling all day yesterday. When I am not in a relationship, I have this pattern of just working, working, working. But at least it's doing something I love; art and film. It's weird because this whole month, all I wanted to do was paint and explore art. But then I felt that making money for India was important so I focused on selling art instead of making more and new art. It's weird how life is. Always doing something to get somewhere else? Do you find that? I really want to tune in these next couple weeks and be really present because it's a big time. No more forcing myself. No more straining. Time to surrender into life instead of trying to beat it into place. Tonight I will sleep peacefully. I am figuring out finally that I am not perfect and I can't keep trying. Ow my back. It feels good to let go of trying to beat myself into perfection. Just being. Just be. Just to be me.