Divine Ma I'm wanting you to hold me

Staying in one place is intense.

When you are still, you are faced, forced to be with yourself and everything that is inside of you. 

There are so many ways to avoid being with ourselves. For me, it has been travelling. Constantly moving around. It involves all my energy and focus, diverting the attention from the stillness that is conducive to seeing what’s really there. This morning I slipped from my usually morning sadhana and schedule. I slept in till 8:30am. 15 minutes before the morning meeting. I wanted to see what it was like for me without meditating, who would I be, how would I feel. Call it delusion but whatever, it needed to be done. I have wondered of meditation; has it been one of my main ways to avoid being with myself? I sometimes need to be just still. Not striving, nor praying, not asking, not moving, not doing laundry, not surfing the net. Just being. 

Listening to music really helps me. Just being completely still and listening to music. Sometimes I dance or move but I don’t do anything, there is no plan. My friend Bardia did this on our trip to LA. We put on some music, lit candles, put down a yoga mat and closed our eyes. And just were. 

I see that people have a lot of different ways to avoid what they are experiencing within their hearts. With men I notice that they distract themselves outwardly with activity, with friends, with work, with exercise and maybe girls. With women it could be with partners, food, or a lot of mental activity. What is there within our hearts that we are all so afraid to look at, what are we hiding from? For me it is a lot of hurt. A lot of pain from my mother and my childhood, stemming back to birth. Not feeling loved when I came into this world because my mother was in pain emotionally and did not feel support from her family, at the time of my coming. I felt these intense emotions when I entered the world and I remember and felt, and held the imprinting of that emotion, of not feeling loved.  It has become an emotional blueprint, a negative emotional pattern that no matter how toxic, is my comfort zone. Thus, I have attracted these types of situations. Right now a best friend of mine is not speaking to me. Before I returned to Laurelwood we had a phone conversation that didn’t go so well. The most hurtful part for me was him telling me something along the lines of he didn’t really think I belonged here nor did he think I would come back. It was very painful and reinforced these negative feelings. It hit very deeply and until today I couldn’t understand why my heart felt so much deep pain from him. Not that it wasn’t already painful coming from such a close friend, but it reminded me of the way I felt from my mother. And in reaction to this  energy, I got angry. I put out an equal amount of negativity to counteract what I was feeling. I felt so sad afterwards because I have learnt again and again that when a friend is hurt, the best I can do is love them unconditionally and hold the space until that negative emotion passes. I have had this same experience over and over and I wait for the day when I can act instead of re-acting. I invest myself too much in people sometimes. I make their healing just as important as mine and then when I get hurt by the, I take it so deeply. I need to be more emotionally un-involved, like Lakshmi. She does a healing on me and then she kicks me out of the room, whether I am crying or not. There is a healer that is not going to get herself mixed up in the emotionality. She always tells me, "just let them emotions come up, cry, do whatever you have to do but no need to go into the story" . She lets me just cry and be and feel but she doesn't ask me why I am crying. 

Being here, still, in the same place at Laurelwood, committing to something, forces me to examine myself more thoroughly than if I was to just skim the surface at a lot of different places. I've only been home for 3 days, but I have roots here and it scares me to death. It is not easy and the thought of being here for one year, alone, with myself is enough to send me into a deep inwardness already. I have been somewhat withdrawn these last couple days. I am also just feeling really tired physically. I'm not sure if it has to do with all the energy it has taken to resist the anger and sad feelings I feel from my closest friend, I have tried contacting him. He ignores me. It sucks but I will do my best to keep in my heart, in love. 

With the college going on here and so much outward activity, it makes me wonder what this next year will be like in my process of wanting to explore deeper into myself and deeper into my relationship with God. I really feel like I could use speaking to someone who really loves me and has stuck with me. Is there anyone out there?