Jai Joy

My whole life I have constantly felt like there is something wrong. There is something off, the timing is off, I'm off. There was something wrong when I was constantly feeling sad. The truth is, nothing is wrong. Nothing was ever wrong. It was all perfect, it's all perfect.

I was perfect when I was sad, when I was broke, that I felt abandoned, that I was jealous, that I got angry, that I didn't feel equal, or perfect, or pretty. That I didn't feel wanted or loved. It was perfect that I felt abandoned. I was never broken. It just felt that way.
Today, now, in this moment, I know that everything is ok. It's ok. It's ok that in this moment, I am not enlightened. I am closer to God than ever, but I am not completely there yet. I don't feel bummed out on myself that after my meditation, I have to go out into the world and live. There is nothing wrong with that, what I am doing or how I am living my life. I am doing the right things. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, daily. But I do my absolute best to tune in, ask for guidance and make choices accordingly. It's beautiful that each day I am learning how to attract and manifest what I need. That is true wealth. I have everything I need in this moment. I may not yet have what I need for tomorrow, but tomorrow doesn't exist yet. Only this moment does and if I take each moment consciously, I am sure not to miss out on anything. And if I do...it's ok.

Being sad, for so many years, allowed me to learn how to have compassion and understanding for people who are sad. I can help those who feel sad, I can love them, I can heal them. Going into my own pain, understanding it and allowing it to heal is a power beyond what I can describe. It is beauty. I am in myself, I am understanding myself, I am knowing myself and I love myself.

The time I have spent understanding how I am was not in vain. The pain was not in vain. I chose it. I chose it many lifetimes ago, I chose it before birth. Being alone here, right now and feeling so much  love I could explode....this is my test. This is my strength. Feeling so lonely and wanting so badly just to be held, in the arms of God, in the arms of my love, is where my strength will come from. Some days, I want to loose myself. Loose myself in another, in love, in a child, in marriage, in anything, in the darkness, in the light, in nothingness and quietness. I can hide when I am alone, but not  for long. I don't know how to tell you what goes on in my mind, but it goes on...and on...and on. My mind is a retarded monkey on steroids. It's annoying and it never stops.

Clarity with Nayaswami Kriyananda offering him a gift, receiving a blessing.

I have an idea of what I want to do for the rest of this week of vacation. I want to paint! I want to paint a piece for a dear sweet soul. I'm in Encinitas with like $7 in my wallet and not paints. So we will see what happens. God bless you.


Clarity