Who am I?

I don't want to live in an abandoned building anymore. I want a home. I'm so tired of constantly healing, I just want to be whole. I don't want to be going through anything anymore, I want to just be. I want to be okay. There is no safe haven here. I can't escape. Everyone room is under construction, there are people  everywhere and now, even more so. I can't escape myself even, I am always just there.

It's scary here, out of my country, living in a new place, in the countryside. I have no job, no stocks or bonds. I am alone although there is community all around me. I long to be around people who know me, people who love me. I have a hard time opening up, trusting people to come into my personal space. Trusting others to know me. Most people's vibration feels so heavy. I have always felt people's vibration and it is so hard for me to keep myself separate from that.

I want to be able to say I hate it here and have someone listen, not tell me I should move to Hawaii or something crazy like that. I do hate it here but where else would I be? There is community here, we meditate together, we worship God together, we serve together. Everyday we all work together to build something, that is of a common goal. Staying in one place is like death for me. It is literally torture of the grandest scale to constantly get up day after day and be on the same schedule. It sucks. But I am in my cocoon right now. I am doing deep inward work here to find out who I am. I swear since I have arrived here I have gone so deeply into healing, I hardly know who I am. It is good and bad depending on the day. I am so sensitive. I can't stress it enough. It is so brutally impossible for me to force myself or affirm to others who I am. I was so strong before. But now I feel crippled, like a frail puppa inside a cocoon. Waiting for the day she will hatch. The thing is, I took this last year to be alone and sort myself out. Or so I thought. Turns out I wasn't actually alone by choice, I was just alone wishing I wasn't. It's looking like divine mother is coxing me to take another year, alone. To be alone and be in my own energies and get to know myself through and through. To stew in my own energies without confusing myself. It's tough you know because being alone isn't easy, especially at this age when the social norm for a twenty eight year old single woman would be to get married right about now. It's sad because for so long I have sought out that perfect someone. And now it seems, I am further than ever.

This next year would be wise to be dedicated to my career. Something I have neglected in a serious focused way as I have always uprooted myself right around the time things start to really happen. Dammit, I just don't have the patience or endurance to stick to things. It sucks. I need more Mars. I need Mars. I need Mars. I want someone to talk to. But so few people just listen. Everyone has something to say. Maybe I can practice being a listening ear for once. Be for people exactly what I want. I'm lonely Master. I am feeling terribly lonely these days and I wonder when I will let this end. It must be me perpetuating this constantly unhappiness and u-satisfaction. Please guide my footsteps.