My 28th birthday

I can't have control and have a surprise. I can't receive a surprise birthday party and maintain control at the same time. This is a reflection as to what is happening in my life right. I am being asked, shown, that if I let go, I will receive a gift better than I could possibly imagine for myself. But I am trying to plan that everything goes right on my birthday, making sure all the details are right, so I don't have to worry about it. So I can be surprised? It doesn't make any sense. It's either let go and be surprised and let divine mother plan the party, flow with it, receive what comes or put all my energy, intention and focus into making something happen. Going half way doesn't work. It's akward and it's not a surprise. I can't be planning my surprise birthday. Getting so involved in what I think works and doesn't is just as silly as me jumping out of the closet to surprise myself. Ahh. How do I possibly get along with myself? I am impossible.

What it is is my attachment to doing things right. Or thinking about what is right. Doing things perfectly or not doing them at all. I have fear of failure. Fear of doing something and it looking bad, or worse, me looking bad. There are so many things I could take on, I could spin my wheels and have them turn, but I'm afraid one may fall and break. And then what? People will be disappointed, they will be upset, they will call me a failure, worse, I will feel like a failure. Instead, I wait, I procrastinate and then tell myself it's too late. That is a choice too, I am making a decision when I am choosing not to choose anything. It's like I really want things to just come but at the same time, I'm not relaxed enough to know how to put out major energy and then just let them come. I am either too relaxed and thus, not making it happen or putting out too much energy, and forcing things to happen. It's a balance that I am learning about right now and damn, it requires me putting out every bit of focus I have. Meditation helps and I couldnt't, could not, absolutely not do any of this without that balance in my life. Centering is what keeps me going day after day and even on 4 hours sleep, here I am, awake and ready. The flow, being in the flow is what it's all about for me these days.

I turn 28 tomorrow. I think I remember blogging this time last year on the day before my birthday. I will have to check that post out. Fortunately for me, I was surprised with an amazing pre-birthday gift. My good friend Sri Timothy Knox invited a sweet sister of mine to come stay here at Laurelwood. She has been here since last night and so far it's like she is part of the family. I am just happy I'm going to spend my birth day celebration with two of my sweetest friends, Hana and Timothy. These two souls, though in the bodies of 19-year-olds these are the oldest and wisest people I know, crystal kids for sure. An inner dance session is in order and on a full belly of cake and ice cream I'm sure it will be all the more sweet.
xox

xox