July 6th, 2012 - My birth day

The morning of my birthday and what a day. It feels blissful, it feels complete.

Last night I facilitated an inner dance circle here at Laurelwood with four other very special souls.
It was a deep and integrative experience, dancing, moving, healing in the light of the setting sun, stars and rising moon. We stayed there all night and finally just fell asleep. It felt like such a diffrent kind of birthday for me this year because I feel centered. There is this balance inside myself that is always waiting.

I had some strong realizations last night and became very clear that I am being called to go to India. The calling is there and the doors are open, I have the goddess' blessing. I am asking my heavenly father now to provide the means to send me there. My spirit, my path is a very unique and individual route that I can no longer judge. It involved me surrendering and being more in spirit to really be able to tune into what and where I should be and go next. It's a flow that requires constant surrender and opening. My friends went deep into the inner dance energy and it is always so thrilling to see that we can be the cause of healing. Giving my life to spirit and constantly saying yes to these crazy journeys has actually been for a reason. Living in the Philippines with Jo was for a reason. It's scary to open myself up so fully but at the same, it feels so good to love. To love everyone and last night I saw them as myself. I have been afraid to open up to people for fear of abandonment and I'm starting to feel that deep down, many of us have felt these deeply repressed feelings, maybe even from birth. But I don't think it's abandonment from parents, partners or friends that the pain really stems from. I feel for me that it was a feeling of abandonment from God, from the day I was born. But you know what, last night I saw that spirit has been there all along. Every step of the way, constantly supporting me, loving me, providing for me, unconditionally, always. What a realization! How painful and tragic yet so beautiful and life shattering at the same time. How can I ever be the same?  All those moments I felt alone, all I had to do was to turn inwards and my best friend is there waiting for me.
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My friends had my favourite cake for me last night; angel food and even coconut bliss ice cream. I have found a beautiful community here, a beautiful tribe and family. My family is large and spread out across the world. Last year I asked for something for my birthday on my blog site, two things actually and they both came true. This year I want to ask for my guru's will, that I can go on this trip to India in Oct. I have to raise $1000 by Aug 1st and then $2500 more to pay the balance. I feel that there is something deep waiting there for me and I see now that by me healing, it heals others and it gives others permission to open and follow their hearts. The next couple days I am allowing myself to be open, to receive what God is blessing me with, here and now. The need to feel strong is something I ususally feel and sometimes, this can be a lonely journey. Going inside so much is not something I see much in this society.  But the thing is, life feel so much more enjoyable when I am centered and enjoying it from that place inside myself. Ok, my friends are waiting and we're off to the beach.

Love you all, God bless
xox