Lakshmi in the house

I've been staying here at the ashram since March this year, almost 8 months now. I've been serving and not really doing any outside work besides the work of Ananda and Laurelwood. Today I went back to "work" and started to focus on making money again. It felt incredibly akward, uncomfortable; like putting on a wool coat on a summer day. I could barely do it. Just the thought of "making" money for myself, making things happen. It just didn't seem to fit. It wasn't working. I felt blocked, contracted, bloated. I tried to paint and it was constricted because I was thinking about the need to sell the artwork. It just doesn't feel right.

Something has changed as I'm realizing I'm not able to operate in the world the way I used to. I am forever changed. My experience here at Laurelwood has changed the way I operate in life. Everyday here, we rise together, meditate, have breakfast and then we, as a groups, get after the tasks of the day. We work together to achieve and cover a common goal, to run Laurelwood. We make sure the college students, staff, residents are fed thrice daily. We make sure all the common spaces are clean and tidy. We paint, we sand, we mud, we re-paint, we vacuum, we scrub, we polish. We do whatever needs doing daily and we don't think of ourselves while we do it because what is there to think of when you are just serving? You are not getting paid  directly for the work your perform and IT IS endless work, so you just do it. Something happens when you just get used to serving and meditating everyday. You don't have to think so much. When you have desires and you want to fulfill them, it takes work. Working for God is seamless, but that is not to say it is easy. It is the opposite, it is incredibly hard but it is the most satisfying and thirst quenching of all things, real and unreal. God is the supreme drink of water on the hottest of days.

What to do now? I do intend to attract the money I require to support myself to live my life here and support creative endeavors. But how to do that now? I suppose this is coming directly from the Laksmi puja we conducted last night. We did a ceremony with the women here to celebrate and honor the Goddess Lakshmi who is wealth, abundance, gifts, beauty, love, all things good. As my brother Jonah said to me today on Skype today, "having some pressure is good for you, it helps you grow". Lakshmi is here, helping us clear out the old unworkable habits that keep us from receiving the abundance we so deserve. If we are full of shit, how can she fill us full of gold? That is a question to ponder.