Who left the window open

"Come Home" - Oil Painting by Clarity West

I was feeling a draft in the building the last couple days. I kept asking, "Is there a door open"? It was cold at dinner tonight. The window in my room was covered in moisture when I woke up. Again, today I asked, "Is there a window open or something, I feel a draft". As I was walking up the second floor staircase to head to bed, I noticed a window high up, open just a small crack. It was enough that when I jumped up to close it, the draft stopped. I opened the window. It was me who had opened that window about one week ago and never closed it. I know this doesn't seem that significant but it is. This is explanatory of my life right now. All these doors from the past, all the windows I opened, only I can shut them. It's painful and it's not easy, but it's a hell of a lot better than not closing them.

It's no wonder I haven't wanted to wake up lately. Waking up at 5:55am just doesn't seem to be happening. It's because I don't want to face the day I am going through so much inward pain right now. I am writhing as all of my past, all of ME is revealed to me in all it's glorious and horrifying complexity. For years I have been evading it through my constant travel, drugs, boyfriends, inner dramas, etc. Now, finally, for the first time in years, I am still in one spot. I am still.

The mind, the body is becoming still and all that noise that was going on for years, the one that I couldn't hear because I was too busy, it's loud and it's right in my face. It's been very tough to look at but I am going into it, I am going through it. Daiva tells me to quit squirming. I wish I could be stronger, more forgiving. I am going through hell here and I feel on top of that, I have people who are doubly being hard on me through this process. It is time that I stand firm in my divinity and not allow anyone to stand on me or push me down. I have the right to be me here and now. I should not hide myself for anyone. I walk around with my head down and my eyes closed to let anyone dominate having my heart open or closed. At least I am walking with God through this pain instead of feeling like I am alone. It's a good start. The light is starting to shine through.

This painting I just finished (above), it's called:  "Come Home".