Back to basics

"Shakti Ma" - Oil painting on Wood by Clarity West 

Why do I meditate? It's time to get back to the basics. It's been close to ten years of meditation and I got lost. I got lost in the technique, in the discipline. The reason I started to meditate was because I loved to sit there and love God. I loved to feel his/her peace, her light, her joy. It would fill me up like nothing and no one ever could. But I got lost. It became forced, stiff, disciplined and the joy was lost. So I have been meditating less lately and feeling incredibly guilty. I'm not doing enough, it's not deep enough, not long enough. Tonight I did a quick and short meditation and the whole time, I talked to God. I loved him and felt the peace. When my mind started to wander I got up and said goodnight.I am learning how to be with God, how to be with people. I am re-learning how to be in this world. Un-doing all these unhealthy patterns of behavior I learnt in the world. My defense mechanisms, my protection, my fear, doubt, worry, it all needs to be undone. The community, is a good place for this but it's painful because all I want more than anything is to be open. So many people here reflect back to me the exact things I want nothing to do with. Those parts of myself I want nothing to do with. I love God so much, she is everything to me and being in this world has been something I avoided and shut myself away from for years. It was like being on a ride with my eyes closed and missing the entire thing and then ending up somewhere and being like, "how the hell did I get here"?  Now it's time to consciously come back, open my eyes and slowly figure out how to live this life in a somewhat healthy way. Not what I was taught in school or home but to re-invent that. To create, to CO-CREATE a life that is beautiful, amazing, loving, abundant, kind and in tune with the flow of life.