I feel so inauthentic. I feel like I have been living in such a shell, sheltering myself and cutting myself off from the flow to protect somethin. What it is, I don't know. I'm leaving to Arizona tomorrow to go be still, to get quiet and to live a more simple life for a few weeks. I need quiet to think, to paint, to pray, In the city the time seems to constantly be filled with something or someone. I haven't had that problem as far as having anyone else around because I pretty much always can find something to busy my time with. It sucks because I haven't really made time for friends in my life. I realized it this past week when I got sick and I had no one to call to bring me some ginger and lemons. It was lonely. I hung out with my sister late last night, which I was resisting doing because I wanted to keep with my schedule of the next day which involved getting up early. We decided to smoke a little together, sit up over tea and clear some things. She showed me that I have been really self absorbed and really, a spritual ass in alot of ways. I wasn't meeting her at her level, and I'm not sure but I can bet she is not the only one. I have this high expectation out of people, out of life and of course of myself. I look for perfection and it definitely comes out in my life, work and mainly my art. It is good where it belongs, but it definitely has taken a negative impact on my relationships. It's tough to look at this right now because I feel very uncomfortable addressing this issue and I can feel the vortices in my spine waking up as I write about this.
I have this plan, sort of, for when I go to Arizona. I want to read books about art techniques, spirituality, I want to paint and draw and mostly I want to go deep into healing. Personal healing as well as learning more about the healing modalities that have come into my life.
So much has come up over this Christmas holiday. I have been feeling particularly sensitive, like even the slightest things have hurt my feelings as well as I cry very easily. I was watching Home Alone the other night and at the end I just started bawling. I was surprised at how easily I am being touched. I have also been going very deep into stones and crystals recently and several new stones have come into my life, which always brings a new and joyful energy. I connected deeply with my brother and sister who live out of country and it felt very good to clear some old energies from the past. I feel good about that and I guess I need to remember to celebrate my victories. It's weird because I have been writing as much recently, I guess I have been focusing on my artwork which I am so excited about. I created a few new pieces over the Holidays and three of them are already out the door. I am feeling so grateful and thankful to God for the life he has given me.
It feels good to come clean with myself about things. I feel that Arizona is going to be a time to dive deep into what I have been afraid to look at here. I am very excited to bring in the New Year in the country with good, solid spiritual family by my side. I know 2012 is bringing much beauty, gifts and light. My body is kinda weak right now as I am just getting over a cold, part of me was purging much of the past when I started to get sick.
In regards to my friends, I intend to start making time. Growing up I always watched my dad struggling to make a living, he never had time for friends, or extras. I think part of me is shedding these old, un-useful beliefs I grew up around. I happen to have some class A people in my life right now, and most of them are as busy as me. But I noticed that they all seem to find time to enjoy. Last night when I was high, trying to go to sleep, I noticed something that started to become quite comical. Before I could go to sleep I found like 100 things I needed to do before I could go to sleep. I needed tea and earplugs, brush my teeth, shower, clean the kitchen, light a candle, plug my phone in, hold a crystal, take a melatonin. The list just went on and on and I was seeing how much my mind just finds things to busy itself with. One thing I am finally learning is that I can't force things anymore. I am more and more seeing that my life is becoming a spontaneous flow of actions and activity. When I let that flow take over, my heart is open and everything gets done in a way that I can only describe as magic.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Youth Speaks Out
First nations claim alliance is barrier that pipelines won’t break.
10 year-old indegenious youth, Takaya Blaney speaks out against the proposed Oil pipeline for BC's Coast. Captured this with my Iphone, I was really touched by this powerful young girl. I was kind of sad to see she was cut short, as the voice of our youth is the voice of truth, unaltered. But I guess there was a movie supposed to be playing that night at 9pm. We were at the Rio Theatre, anyway, enjoy.
Article:
http://www.canada.com/business/First+nations+claim+alliance+barrier+that+pipelines+break/5796742/story.html
10 year-old indegenious youth, Takaya Blaney speaks out against the proposed Oil pipeline for BC's Coast. Captured this with my Iphone, I was really touched by this powerful young girl. I was kind of sad to see she was cut short, as the voice of our youth is the voice of truth, unaltered. But I guess there was a movie supposed to be playing that night at 9pm. We were at the Rio Theatre, anyway, enjoy.
Article:
http://www.canada.com/business/First+nations+claim+alliance+barrier+that+pipelines+break/5796742/story.html
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
honesty is always best
My relationship with God recently has become a very interresting one. Like one woman stated last night at the goddess gathering: "I have a very intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, maybe a little bit too intimate." We had diffrent pictures of Mary Magdalene around the altar last night and one of "sexy Jesus" in which he is depicted scantily clad with Mary Magdalene, at his feet.
The theme around our gathering last night was to call Mary Magdalene's energy into our lives, the divine feminine energy and counterpart to Christ. Mary Magdalene is reported to have had a gospel in the Bible until it was removed when civilization switched over to a patriarchal society. Later the texts were re-discovered when the dead sea scrolls were discovered in the early 1900's. The reason for removing Mary from the picture? To create a religion where God is outside of ourselves rather than within. Rather than experiencing our own direct personal relationship with God, we must look outside and direct energy into worshipping something that is seperate from us. Ultimately, it is another form of control.
The awakening of the Goddess divine within each woman, and man directly coincides with the awakeing of our mother earth, Gaia. I have been feeling her pain and last night it washed over me as tears dripped down my face. My body convulsed over and over and I felt that it must be a bit of what mamma earth is going through with her intense purging, cleansing and earth changes.
I feel that my relationship with God is becoming one of deep closeness and intimacy. God has become my most intimate partner, lover, friend. I can really relate to this woman when I feel that God is becoming my lover. God is sexy. Our very nature, as men and women is sensuality, love, intimacy, touch, all qualities given to us by the divine. Sacred love-making and other tantric arts are said to be what Mary Magdalene was a master of rather than the whore or prostitute the new Bible would depict her as. Mary Magdalene was a Dakini, a sacred prostitute and high priestess who helped men experience the divine directly by allowing her body to become a vessel for higher energy. In that sacred union, the connection between heaven and earth is complete.
I am truly honored to have been blessed this Christmas season by the love of Christ within my heart andthe sensual, loving touch of Mary Magdalene over every inch of my body.
May your Christmas be full of warm, comforting, divine love within and without.
 |
| Mary Magdalene |
Mary Magdalene and Jesus are rumored to have been married, which symbolically is the representation of the male and female aspects of creation or God. Mary Magdalene is also said to have been the goddess Isis. When the divine feminine, embodied as Mary Magdalene and the Christ consciousness awaken within in us, that is our true union and connection to the entire cosmos. We become whole and complete in ourselves, connected to all that is.
The awakening of the Goddess divine within each woman, and man directly coincides with the awakeing of our mother earth, Gaia. I have been feeling her pain and last night it washed over me as tears dripped down my face. My body convulsed over and over and I felt that it must be a bit of what mamma earth is going through with her intense purging, cleansing and earth changes.
I feel that my relationship with God is becoming one of deep closeness and intimacy. God has become my most intimate partner, lover, friend. I can really relate to this woman when I feel that God is becoming my lover. God is sexy. Our very nature, as men and women is sensuality, love, intimacy, touch, all qualities given to us by the divine. Sacred love-making and other tantric arts are said to be what Mary Magdalene was a master of rather than the whore or prostitute the new Bible would depict her as. Mary Magdalene was a Dakini, a sacred prostitute and high priestess who helped men experience the divine directly by allowing her body to become a vessel for higher energy. In that sacred union, the connection between heaven and earth is complete.
I am truly honored to have been blessed this Christmas season by the love of Christ within my heart andthe sensual, loving touch of Mary Magdalene over every inch of my body.
May your Christmas be full of warm, comforting, divine love within and without.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Christmas meditation
I'm feeling very inward today. Ate some eggs to help ground myself.
I woke up feeling like I needed to get right back to the chapel. It's interresting how I see myself scared to miss out on anything. What about just being here now?
I know how you are feeling about the loneliness. I was experiencing the same. I really had to pray deeply about it yesterday.
The 8 hr was a very calm and deep experience for me.
I was ready and really wanting to go deep into God, just leave the world behind for a whole day.
I was blessed to be able to remain seated and feel fine.There were many people there for the 4hr but very few for the entire stretch.I have been really afraid to just be with myself, for the feeling of loneliness,like everyone else has someone but I am extra alone. Something like that.
But the truth is, we are all born alone and we all walk alone with God our entire life no matter what it looks like on the outside.We all face the same trials, challenges, loneliness.
But like your sister Janis said to me, you can't draw with just light, or you won't see anything, there must also be a shadow.And we do have a shadow. I am starting to realize I need to accept and face the fact that I have a shadow side, I can't ignore or deny it, we all do.
Master (Yogananda) blessed me with seeing a brief perception of how small this existence is in such a grand scheme of the entire cosmos, space, magnitude of what life actually is.It allowed all the worry, fear, anxiety fade away quickly. There was always some sort of shadow there but the more we continue to keep our consciousness uplifted, the easier it is to stay centered, focused on the light.
God and the masters are always there continually pouring out their love and blessings
and when WE open ourselves to that, we can receive the blessing. The blessing is always there.
Surrender of control is the biggest and baddest lesson I went into. How much us seeking to control circumstances and life, how much that cuts the flow. Imagine us thinking that we know more than our own father/mother who created us and everything around us. He/she knows us more and deeper than we could know ourselves. There is something to letting her take control, it is close to enlightenment.
I experienced many beautiful visions of expansion that I cannot describe.
You and I both made decisions to exprience feelings of abandonment and loss to learn the many deep lessons of wholly trusting in God.
I felt for the first time that Jesus took away the pain in my heart that I have been carrying around. The pain of feeling alone.He blessed me by showing me that we are all truly walking alone with God but in that, we have never been more together. The point is that, every being is in the same boat and we must not compare ourselves to anyone. That is where the downfall comes.
We must do our best and never pass an opportunity to shine or to say or do what we know is right. No matter what our mind tells us we may look like.Even if our mind tells us we will look like a holy ass.
We must shine, that is our highest duty. It helps to uplift and raise the entire planet,
It's all about keeping the energy centered in the higher realms, between the eyes.
The tehcniques help us to bring it up.
I feel that we must continue to tune in and to follow our highest intuition and dharma.
I really struggled with some deep feelings of loneliness the last couple days. Maybe same days as you,
Usually when things become still. I saw how going to school really kept my mind busy and distracted me to remain here.
I feel that things will become clear in the New Year and what we should do.
As much as we love one another, when we let go, we truly open up to receive. Almost like grasping keeps our hands closed, and thus our reception.
I have been truly blessed to meet another soul with such depth and clarity. I think this is what I miss about us, sharing in that way.
Let us continue to uplift and inspire one another by playing this game to the best of our abilities. This life is a dream and imagine how you could play your life if you saw it that way.
I feel that whenever I get out there, with negative thinking or confusion or doubt, that is the time, to pull the energy back inwards and feel myself. Check in with myself, because that is where the truth lays. If you ever feel like enough is enough, that is ok too.
And I know whatever decision we make for our lives, will be a good one.
love always
I woke up feeling like I needed to get right back to the chapel. It's interresting how I see myself scared to miss out on anything. What about just being here now?
I know how you are feeling about the loneliness. I was experiencing the same. I really had to pray deeply about it yesterday.
The 8 hr was a very calm and deep experience for me.
I was ready and really wanting to go deep into God, just leave the world behind for a whole day.
I was blessed to be able to remain seated and feel fine.There were many people there for the 4hr but very few for the entire stretch.I have been really afraid to just be with myself, for the feeling of loneliness,like everyone else has someone but I am extra alone. Something like that.
But the truth is, we are all born alone and we all walk alone with God our entire life no matter what it looks like on the outside.We all face the same trials, challenges, loneliness.
But like your sister Janis said to me, you can't draw with just light, or you won't see anything, there must also be a shadow.And we do have a shadow. I am starting to realize I need to accept and face the fact that I have a shadow side, I can't ignore or deny it, we all do.
Master (Yogananda) blessed me with seeing a brief perception of how small this existence is in such a grand scheme of the entire cosmos, space, magnitude of what life actually is.It allowed all the worry, fear, anxiety fade away quickly. There was always some sort of shadow there but the more we continue to keep our consciousness uplifted, the easier it is to stay centered, focused on the light.
God and the masters are always there continually pouring out their love and blessings
and when WE open ourselves to that, we can receive the blessing. The blessing is always there.
Surrender of control is the biggest and baddest lesson I went into. How much us seeking to control circumstances and life, how much that cuts the flow. Imagine us thinking that we know more than our own father/mother who created us and everything around us. He/she knows us more and deeper than we could know ourselves. There is something to letting her take control, it is close to enlightenment.
I experienced many beautiful visions of expansion that I cannot describe.
You and I both made decisions to exprience feelings of abandonment and loss to learn the many deep lessons of wholly trusting in God.
I felt for the first time that Jesus took away the pain in my heart that I have been carrying around. The pain of feeling alone.He blessed me by showing me that we are all truly walking alone with God but in that, we have never been more together. The point is that, every being is in the same boat and we must not compare ourselves to anyone. That is where the downfall comes.
We must do our best and never pass an opportunity to shine or to say or do what we know is right. No matter what our mind tells us we may look like.Even if our mind tells us we will look like a holy ass.
We must shine, that is our highest duty. It helps to uplift and raise the entire planet,
It's all about keeping the energy centered in the higher realms, between the eyes.
The tehcniques help us to bring it up.
I feel that we must continue to tune in and to follow our highest intuition and dharma.
I really struggled with some deep feelings of loneliness the last couple days. Maybe same days as you,
Usually when things become still. I saw how going to school really kept my mind busy and distracted me to remain here.
I feel that things will become clear in the New Year and what we should do.
As much as we love one another, when we let go, we truly open up to receive. Almost like grasping keeps our hands closed, and thus our reception.
I have been truly blessed to meet another soul with such depth and clarity. I think this is what I miss about us, sharing in that way.
Let us continue to uplift and inspire one another by playing this game to the best of our abilities. This life is a dream and imagine how you could play your life if you saw it that way.
I feel that whenever I get out there, with negative thinking or confusion or doubt, that is the time, to pull the energy back inwards and feel myself. Check in with myself, because that is where the truth lays. If you ever feel like enough is enough, that is ok too.
And I know whatever decision we make for our lives, will be a good one.
love always
Friday, December 16, 2011
Our Generation
A short film about my generation, generation Y or the Indigo's. The negative and positive aspects of our generation and relationship with the Earth. Narrated to the poem "A lost generation", by Jonathan Reed. This short film was written, directed and edited over three weeks as a group assignment at the Art Institute. Written, Directed, Co-Produced and Edited by Clarity West
staying in gratitude
I've been so busy the last 6 months I didn't have time to realize I feel sad. I feel this emptiness in my heart and chest sometimes when I am alone and it's quiet. When I pray and meditate it seems to dissappear but when I have no agenda or plans and things are still, the house is quiet, and no one is around, I feel a deep sense of sadness. When I was in the Philippines, I had a beautiful partner there with me and I still felt this deep sadness. Maybe if I left and was around family and friends this would change, I thought. It did not. My sadness comes from somewhere deep and I'm not quite sure what I am sad about. Last night I broke down and cried after doing a crystal healing session on myself. I went into the living room and cried on the lap of my sister. I guess it felt like I needed to release the need to be strong always. My heart is so sensitive, even the very slightest thing can hurt this delicate heart.
Recently, I had a dream and I was told by angels that they wan't me to use my mind in a positive way. Our mind is such a powerful tool, it can create much light or much darkness. I want to honor my emotions and feelings of sadness, but I can't enable myself anymore with this crippling sadness. I want to focus my mind on positivity, on the light. I meditate every morning for over an hour and still, face these deep feelings of loss, of longing and of waiting. For what?
I have been in the most ideal life situations, from living in a beachfront home on a tropical island with a beautiful partner to owning my own store in Vancouver and living in a posh downtown apartment. It was fun at times but none of it truly made me happy. It's hard to find ambition for outward terms of success anymore. It needs to come from an inward sense of accomplishment for me. Success seems to truly come from a higher sense of service or purpose.
Sometimes I wonder about myself. When and what will bring me true fullfillment? Will I ever have enough, will I ever be full, whole and complete? Will it come from an outter circumstance like having a film studio/school set up on a beautiful piece of land, living in my dream home with a loving partner and maybe, a child, living amogst nature and like minded community members. Would this situation make me happy, or is it another goal that I am seeking to reach to become happy?
When things are quiet, I want to be happy and enjoy those quiet moments with my guides and the spirits. When things are busy and active, I want to be present enough to enjoy those activities as well as the unexpected people and situation that come along with that. I feel hopeful, I know that it doesn't have to be like this forever. I feel much love welling up in my heart over this Holiday season. I feel a longing though, a longing for my tribe, for community, for spritual, mental, emotional support. I guess I need to enjoy the now until that prayer manifests.
In love and trust,
Clarity
Recently, I had a dream and I was told by angels that they wan't me to use my mind in a positive way. Our mind is such a powerful tool, it can create much light or much darkness. I want to honor my emotions and feelings of sadness, but I can't enable myself anymore with this crippling sadness. I want to focus my mind on positivity, on the light. I meditate every morning for over an hour and still, face these deep feelings of loss, of longing and of waiting. For what?
I have been in the most ideal life situations, from living in a beachfront home on a tropical island with a beautiful partner to owning my own store in Vancouver and living in a posh downtown apartment. It was fun at times but none of it truly made me happy. It's hard to find ambition for outward terms of success anymore. It needs to come from an inward sense of accomplishment for me. Success seems to truly come from a higher sense of service or purpose.
Sometimes I wonder about myself. When and what will bring me true fullfillment? Will I ever have enough, will I ever be full, whole and complete? Will it come from an outter circumstance like having a film studio/school set up on a beautiful piece of land, living in my dream home with a loving partner and maybe, a child, living amogst nature and like minded community members. Would this situation make me happy, or is it another goal that I am seeking to reach to become happy?
When things are quiet, I want to be happy and enjoy those quiet moments with my guides and the spirits. When things are busy and active, I want to be present enough to enjoy those activities as well as the unexpected people and situation that come along with that. I feel hopeful, I know that it doesn't have to be like this forever. I feel much love welling up in my heart over this Holiday season. I feel a longing though, a longing for my tribe, for community, for spritual, mental, emotional support. I guess I need to enjoy the now until that prayer manifests.
In love and trust,
Clarity
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
communication
I had a very deep experience at the sweat lodge last night.
I was given the honor of staying in after the last round and having a round by myself. Just me, the spirits and mother earth. Something very, very deep started to come up that I never even knew was there. I started to feel this incredible sadness, this longing, this loneliness and pain that I had been experiencing in small and tolerable doses my whole life. But laying there in the lodge, the pain compounded and suddenly just hit me like a brick. I had my face to the earth, through sobs and tears as I allowed myself to consciously go deep into this feeling. I started to remember. I remembered coming into this life, as a young child and looking, searching for him. Where was he? My partner, my partner, I lost him. I was waiting for him on the shore, at our home. He took a boat across the water and waited and I waited and he never came home. He was lost to the sea and I just kept waiting and longing and my heart ached. I always longed and hurt. I never could heal. I always longed for him, to be reunited with my love, with love. Even when I was born into this new life, I carried the pain and awaited when I could be reunited with him. Who is he? Johan, my ex-partner, every man I have ever been with? I'm not sure. But I know that this pain needed to be released, my heart needed healing. The healing was crying out, to allow greater light to flow through me and to others.
There was a dove in the lodge and many spirits, guides and angels, all assisting me. What a huge release. What a burden I was carrying. Afraid to love and truly open up to any person for fear of loss or abandonment. Am I scared to be in relationship for fear of losing out on love or am I scared to be in for fear of love? I had a deep healing last night and I feel a new space within myself waiting to be filled. Do I allow love to flow into that space from another, or all along was I just needed to fill that space with love for myself? Maybe a bit of both. I am open. I am afraid but I am also excited
In love, and trust
Clarity
I was given the honor of staying in after the last round and having a round by myself. Just me, the spirits and mother earth. Something very, very deep started to come up that I never even knew was there. I started to feel this incredible sadness, this longing, this loneliness and pain that I had been experiencing in small and tolerable doses my whole life. But laying there in the lodge, the pain compounded and suddenly just hit me like a brick. I had my face to the earth, through sobs and tears as I allowed myself to consciously go deep into this feeling. I started to remember. I remembered coming into this life, as a young child and looking, searching for him. Where was he? My partner, my partner, I lost him. I was waiting for him on the shore, at our home. He took a boat across the water and waited and I waited and he never came home. He was lost to the sea and I just kept waiting and longing and my heart ached. I always longed and hurt. I never could heal. I always longed for him, to be reunited with my love, with love. Even when I was born into this new life, I carried the pain and awaited when I could be reunited with him. Who is he? Johan, my ex-partner, every man I have ever been with? I'm not sure. But I know that this pain needed to be released, my heart needed healing. The healing was crying out, to allow greater light to flow through me and to others.
There was a dove in the lodge and many spirits, guides and angels, all assisting me. What a huge release. What a burden I was carrying. Afraid to love and truly open up to any person for fear of loss or abandonment. Am I scared to be in relationship for fear of losing out on love or am I scared to be in for fear of love? I had a deep healing last night and I feel a new space within myself waiting to be filled. Do I allow love to flow into that space from another, or all along was I just needed to fill that space with love for myself? Maybe a bit of both. I am open. I am afraid but I am also excited
In love, and trust
Clarity
Friday, December 9, 2011
full moon forward
I have been feeling the pull of the full moon, on my mind and body. Does anyone know how to get my question mark to stop reading ééÉÉ Must be a Saturns transit thing or Mercury retrograde. My mind has been going crazy the last few days, like its stuck in a sticky loop, a cul de sac and it just keep spinning around the same thing over and over again. One of these days this game is gonna get old and Im just going to move into my heart permanently. Nothing gets solved up there, its just a jumbled mess of past conditioning. I have to be fair because my mind has also become a sharp tool from which I have been carving a beautiful life, guided by the omnipresent lord of the universe. The Queen Bee and Prince of the cosmos riding on my left and right, guiding me every step of the way. I am a divine heir to the throne of eternity. I am a star child. I would really like to have something from space, I hear there are crystals and stones and stuff you get that come from the stars. I want to suggest that everyone have a crystal either in their home, altar or on them. dont think about it
giving
giving can never be a waste. telling the truth can never hurt. honesty is always the best policy.
what we give others, we are really giving ourselves. volunteering is one of the best things you can do to make money, indirectly. forgive someone and you will feel more love for yourself. appreciate yourself and more people will appreciate you. tell yourself you are worth millions and people will pay you to be you. give yourself more and people will also want to give to you. trust yourself and the answers will always be right. brush your teeth and you wont get cavities. ahhh got cha
what we give others, we are really giving ourselves. volunteering is one of the best things you can do to make money, indirectly. forgive someone and you will feel more love for yourself. appreciate yourself and more people will appreciate you. tell yourself you are worth millions and people will pay you to be you. give yourself more and people will also want to give to you. trust yourself and the answers will always be right. brush your teeth and you wont get cavities. ahhh got cha
feel free
Since this is basically my diary, I am just going to feel free to express myself right now. Especially since I have no one I really feel I can talk to. I am so scared to be myself sometimes, especially around men and I dont know why. It really sucks because the beauty and marvel that I am comes from truly being myself, I mean I really am a great person. You just wouldnt know it sometimes because Im hiding behind a wall of fears and self doubt. Im not really too sure what is going on these days but it seems that the intensity of life in general is really starting to peak. Not only that but I can no longer hide from myself and any nook or cranny that is out of integrity is being exposed. I feel naked and totally open to face the bright light of day and I am completely and utterly alone. The only people that I have left for some reason I am being faced with being away from them and Im not sure if I am pushing them away or if I am truly following what is right. Im just not sure about much anymore. The only really true feeling I keep returning to is that I must be in myself. I must stand firm and true within myself and no matter how much I listen to others, I still have to make choices from my inward guide. I called my guides and God for help this morning because I was lost, swimming within the insanity of my own mind. Like a warm beam of light, the veil was removed and the calm returned wrapping me in peace. It was all a dream, I wasnt suffering anything but the torment of my own incessant thinking. Being in the heart is the only truth these days for me. I havent been getting much sleep these days as I am busy, which is good because I am creating. But I am looking forward to the rest that is coming once school is out. School, will we ever be done with school.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Christmas Art Sale - Shine light this holiday season
Give someone special a gift of great value. Shine light on your family this Holiday Season with uplifting artwork.
Clarity is unveiling her spiritual art series “Rainbow Colored Numerology”, inspired through meditation and other sacred ceremony.The series was created over three years and encompasses original painting and digital design, using soul stirring color and sacred symbols to invoke inspiration.
Clarity West is a filmmaker and artist currently studying at The Art Institute of Vancouver part-time.
Give a gift that lasts. All artwork is Giclée, professionally produced, digital reproductions of the original artwork with
pigment based inks & 100 year paper.
Original paintings available for purchase as well as custom orders, please inquire.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgQr73ksgP8 - View Trailer Online
Rainbow Colored Numerology
CHRISTMAS SALE! On All Original Art Prints!
Please see Price List below
Additional Artwork can be viewed on Facebook:
Clarity West
CHRISTMAS PRINTING ON NOW !!!
Choice of printing includes premium canvas and photographic paper, framed or un-framed.
Give something meaningful this year
Clarity is unveiling her spiritual art series “Rainbow Colored Numerology”, inspired through meditation and other sacred ceremony.The series was created over three years and encompasses original painting and digital design, using soul stirring color and sacred symbols to invoke inspiration.
Clarity West is a filmmaker and artist currently studying at The Art Institute of Vancouver part-time.
Give a gift that lasts. All artwork is Giclée, professionally produced, digital reproductions of the original artwork withpigment based inks & 100 year paper.
Original paintings available for purchase as well as custom orders, please inquire.
Art sales are to support her documentary film project. The documentary is a compilation of her travels across North America and into remote parts of the Philippines
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgQr73ksgP8 - View Trailer Online
Rainbow Colored Numerology
 |
| Astral Swan on Lake - "Breath In" |
 |
| Ma - "Breath Out" |
 |
| Swan - Rainbow Colored Numerology |
 |
| Yoga Girl |
 |
| Meditation Mandala |
CHRISTMAS SALE! On All Original Art Prints!
Please see Price List below
Additional Artwork can be viewed on Facebook:
Clarity West
CHRISTMAS PRINTING ON NOW !!! Available for custom jobs including family photo printing from file or original photos: stareyestudios@gmail.com
Choice of printing includes premium canvas and photographic paper, framed or un-framed.
Give something meaningful this year
| Option | Size | Canvas (Stretched) | Fine Art Print | |||
| SALE | SALE - 25% | |||||
| A | 8x8 | 65 | 60 | 35 | ||
| B | 8x10 / 8.5x11 | 90 | 80 | 50 | ||
| C | 12x12 | 140 | 115 | 60 | ||
| D | 12x16 | 140 | 120 | 75 | ||
| E | 16x20 | 160 | 140 | 100 | ||
| F | 24x24 | 200 | 180 | 130 | ||
| G | 24x30 | 240 | 200 | 160 | ||
| H | 28x40 | 320 | 280 | 180 |
Friday, December 2, 2011
Abundance Consciousness
Im so rich, I have just been seeing myself as poor.
Im so succesful, I was just looking at the things I didnt do.
Im so free to create, I was just too busy focusing on the past.
Im so happy, I just didnt see what there was to be happy about.
Im a princess, who has been wearing a ragged dress and imaging I was that.
I imagined I was a failure because I never took the time to acknowledge myself and all the amazing things I do.
I felt lonely when I couldnt see that Gods blessings were all around me.
Some moments I felt poor but I am one of the richest person alive
I dont regret anything I did whether it seemed responsible or not.
I follow my heart and it always leads me somewhere good.
Even if it doesnt always make sense, it feels right and so it is.
What is right for me, may not be right for someone else, but Im ok with that now
After years and years, I am finally feeling at peace with who I am.
In that I know that I am truly successful.
Im so succesful, I was just looking at the things I didnt do.
Im so free to create, I was just too busy focusing on the past.
Im so happy, I just didnt see what there was to be happy about.
Im a princess, who has been wearing a ragged dress and imaging I was that.
I imagined I was a failure because I never took the time to acknowledge myself and all the amazing things I do.
I felt lonely when I couldnt see that Gods blessings were all around me.
Some moments I felt poor but I am one of the richest person alive
I dont regret anything I did whether it seemed responsible or not.
I follow my heart and it always leads me somewhere good.
Even if it doesnt always make sense, it feels right and so it is.
What is right for me, may not be right for someone else, but Im ok with that now
After years and years, I am finally feeling at peace with who I am.
In that I know that I am truly successful.
Im swelling
Moontime has come and danced itself upon me in little spots.
My sister made me scrambeled eggs this morning and brought it to me in bed, just before I had written her off as just another self asorbed 19-year-old.We had a fight last night because I asked her to replace the gluten free bread and organic eggs I keep buying and she keeps eating. I really dont mind but its a lesson in integrity I feel I must impart as the wider older sister. Haha, I didnt say wiser, I said wider.
I went to an event last night at the Rio Theater at Commercial and Broadway.
Something historic has been taking place in BC that I wasnt aware of.
When you drive over the Second Narrows or the Lions Gate bridge, have you noticed the large oil tankers coming and going through the Burrard inlet?
A large company called Kinder Morgan is planning on turning Burrard inlet into the tar sands shipping port. Kinder Morgan, owned by Richard Kinder and Bill Morgan - ex-Enron billionaires who swindled $11 billion dollars from their shareholders and never faced jail time. Kinder-Morgan purchased BC s Terasen Pipelines which is now Kinder-Morgan Canada, has plans to turn Vancouver into their shipping port to supply China & the Pacific region with BC tar sands crude oil. The expansion of the tar sands is a massive threat to the global climate, Canadian coastal water and the indegenious people living around these toxic extraction sites. The people of BC have NOT been consulted about Kinder Morgans plans for our inlet. Under Canadian and international laws, First Nations have the right to free, prior and informed consent in regards to projects proposed in their traditional territories. Already 61 First Nations chiefs have signed a declaration based in tradtional laws opposing any oil sands infrastructure that threatens the Fraser River or coastal waters.
In October 2011, the Txleil-Waututh Nation (Burrard Band) clearly stated their opposition to increased tanker traffic, saying it was a risk too great to accept. The event last night which gathered people from all walks of life included First Nations chiefs, BC residents, Greenpeace, Wilderness Committee, celebrities, children, David Suzuki and many occupy participants. This diverse group was all held together by one common thread, water. If our water is poisioned, then what?
You can help. As a resident of BC and Canada, say NO, the tar sands stop here!
Please check out the Wildrenes Committee website WildernessCommitee.org/tankers and watch the Live video stream from last night events or Twitter.com/BurrardInletOil
 |
| The Atahabasca Oil Sands in Alberta - a large leak in a pipe caused oil to seep out over the land for for an entire day before technicians turned the pressure off. The surrounding area suffered greatly and thousands of local animals died in the spill, locals suffered sickness from the fumes and the damage it caused the surounding areas and water is irreparable. Locals, who once used the water for drinking and surrounding plants for medicine have reported the water as contaminated, the plants have become rare and the cariboo has been reported to be carrying dangerous tumors. The government denied this spill ever happened. They want to build a pipeline just like this one, in BC next. |
The future of our children are bound up in common struggle.- Naomi Klein
 |
Thousands of acres of land once populated by dense forest and wildlife is left barren at a tar sands mine.Oil sandsFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia  [1] The crude bitumen contained in the Canadian oil sands is described by Canadian authorities as "petroleum that exists in the semi-solid or solid phase in natural deposits. Bitumen is a thick, sticky form of crude oil, so heavy and viscous (thick) that it will not flow unless heated or diluted with lighter hydrocarbons. At room temperature, it is much like cold molasses".[2] Venezuelan authorities often refer to similar types of crude oil as extra-heavy oil, because Venezuelan reservoirs are warmer and the oil is somewhat less viscous, allowing it to flow more easily. Oil sands reserves have only recently been considered to be part of the world's oil reserves, as higher oil prices and new technology enable them to be profitably extracted and upgraded to usable products. They are often referred to as unconventional oil or crude bitumen, in order to distinguish the bitumen extracted from oil sands from the free-flowing hydrocarbon mixtures known as crude oil traditionally produced from oil wells. Making liquid fuels from oil sands requires energy for steam injection and refining. This process generates two to four times the amount of greenhouse gases per barrel of final product as the "production" of conventional oil.[3] If combustion of the final products is included, the so-called "Well to Wheels" approach, oil sands extraction, upgrade and use emits 10 to 45% more greenhouse gases than conventional crude.[4] |
Monday, November 28, 2011
heart explosion
Heart opening doesn't have to mean falling over and not being able to get up or function.It has a whole new meaning for me.I have been really afraid to let my heart open wide for so many reasons. Mostly from a hard experience I had when my heart majorly opened at 24, I was so high in bliss I lost my job and could barely do anything more than walk the seawall for hours at a time . But my heart is open and it doesn't entail having to hug everyone I meet or become stagnant because I am too scared to go outside. I am trying something new this time. I am giving my love to self. I am directing it back inwards rather than out.
I was waiting for something to happen, waiting for God to do something through me but it involves me taking action. God gave us free will as a gift and we must learn to act, to allow him to act through us.
I listen to this uplifting music and I feel my heart is open wide. The world flows on around me, but I am present to what I am doing.I don't have to absorb people's energy anymore. I can choose where my boundaries begin and end and I don't have to let others moods determine how my life goes.
It is so easy to just give in and get a job, so much easier to just follow the well worn path.
But I am not interrested in following an already created path. I am a trail blazer, a light bearer and a way shower. I am an Indigo.
The more I awake to who I really am the more I see about the complexity of this drama. Most of life's areas that stop us are created by our limiting beliefs and negative self talk. We can create a whole story out of one look from somebody. Imagine if we just focused inwards and were not affected but what others around us thought or how they react. Imagine if we were just us, like when we were a kid. Imagine how liberated we would feel.
I know I have to take action now. There is just no way around it anymore. I have so many amazing options and I want to do them all. I am open, clear and focused, I am being guided now. I see that I have been going through major purification so my actions become easy because it becomes a natural flow from just being in a space of love. I am done with the days of acting from the ego, acting simply for self gain. That is emptiness for me. I want to be filled with the love and joy of life and feel the liberation of being an uninterrupted channel in this divine drama.
I am in love, once again
I was waiting for something to happen, waiting for God to do something through me but it involves me taking action. God gave us free will as a gift and we must learn to act, to allow him to act through us.
I listen to this uplifting music and I feel my heart is open wide. The world flows on around me, but I am present to what I am doing.I don't have to absorb people's energy anymore. I can choose where my boundaries begin and end and I don't have to let others moods determine how my life goes.
It is so easy to just give in and get a job, so much easier to just follow the well worn path.
But I am not interrested in following an already created path. I am a trail blazer, a light bearer and a way shower. I am an Indigo.
The more I awake to who I really am the more I see about the complexity of this drama. Most of life's areas that stop us are created by our limiting beliefs and negative self talk. We can create a whole story out of one look from somebody. Imagine if we just focused inwards and were not affected but what others around us thought or how they react. Imagine if we were just us, like when we were a kid. Imagine how liberated we would feel.
I know I have to take action now. There is just no way around it anymore. I have so many amazing options and I want to do them all. I am open, clear and focused, I am being guided now. I see that I have been going through major purification so my actions become easy because it becomes a natural flow from just being in a space of love. I am done with the days of acting from the ego, acting simply for self gain. That is emptiness for me. I want to be filled with the love and joy of life and feel the liberation of being an uninterrupted channel in this divine drama.
I am in love, once again
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Breakthrough from breakdown
I am declaring a breakdown. I have had a constant feeling of being unfulfilled and unsatisfied. I have had a longing for years to have, to possess, things, an end goal, the perfect relationship, money, and success. I have not been present. I have not been enjoying the journey. I have been so focused on acheiving, that it takes me out of the present moment and I am constantly looking ahead to when I can be happy. When I have everything, then I can be happy. It has taken me out of being present with the amazing people, places and events that have been so beautifully presented into my life.
I have been holding back moving forward in career because of the commitment issue. Is that what I truly want? I am scared to work hard for what I want and then find at the end of the tunnel that I will be unfulfilled like every other time. Every goal I have ever set my mind to, I have acheived. Everytime I get focused on something I can draw all the money, help and situations to get to the end goal. The problem is I am so focused on the goal that I have pushed myself and others so hard and the journey was not enjoyed. I got lost in the process of wanting the end result. This always left me with a feeling of un-satisfaction or sadness when I would finally acheive the goal. There was always a deep sadness after accomplishing and I never knew why. Usually my pursuits involved something that would give me more of something; more money, more fame, more skills. But never just doing something because I just loved doing it. The past endeavours I took on, I was not enjoying the process of what I was doing. I was seeking a tangible result, fortune, fame. With EA I wasn't enjoying what I was doing, I was totally focused on when the business would be profitable but I wasn't really passionate about what I was doing to get there.
I like to start things but I don't like to do the work. I am a good director and board member. Not really the day to day operations because I don't like having a "job". I am declaring a breakdown because I don't think I've ever really considered doing what I love or pursuing a career following my talents and creative pursuits. I didn't feel worthy or good enough to do that. I keep myself separate from others because I am strong and I can be there for them but nobody can be there for me. I don't need friends. Once again, because I am getting to a goal and friends is not necessary plus I would rather do things by myself, on my own time. I have gone from relationship to relationship but end up feeling un-satisfied because I still don't know how to love myself or allow myself to relax and enjoy life. Maybe it's time for me to slow down and practice patience. At first the love sustains and fulfills me but then as things settle down and the magic wears off, I go back to feeling unfulfilled because I feel unfulfilled in myself. I have never felt good enough about myself. Like I am below people, not even up to the same levels as them. Because I grew up poor and people at my elementary school made my family feel like we were worth less. They never included us and they spoke badly about us, it made me feel low. I stole money from my father's wallet when I was young, I got caught and then he scolded me. I was traumatized because he wasn't ever giving me money and all I wanted to do was buy lunch and I couldn't understand why he couldn't afford to give me money. So I decided to get money myself the only way I knew how and from the only place I knew it came from, dad's wallet. When he scolded me I felt bad, like I wasn't any good and not worth anything. I decided I was bad and dishonest, not deserving of good things. I am declaring a breakdown because I realize I have been torturing myself for 15 years, not allowing myself to receive anything good because of what I did as a twelve year old child.
I have come to a cross roads where these beliefs are no longer serving me, I am feeling stuck and like I have been on a merry go round repeating the same thing over and over. I want off the ride, I want to be me again. I want to feel pure and happy like I did when I was three, in my father's arms riding the ferry out of town, the August sun warming my skin. I intend to be present with life and to enjoy it's moments and seconds. I intend to have close and authentic relationships with people and let them know who I really am. I have been afraid to let people get to know me because then they would discover that I'm actually below them, they would find out that I was poor and no good. I am stating that I am a perfect and beautiful woman and a divine child of God. I am intending that my life is lived fully and powerfully and that I have the power to move forward in all that I do, now. I am intending a powerful career in which the actions I daily take are actions I am excited about and love to share. I am intending that money flows because I love what I do and live from my heart space. I am intending that I love myself and forgive myself for the past. I am intending to clean up my past relationships with others so I can move forward authentically. I am creating that nothing is holding me back and that I have all the tools right now for everything I desire to co-create in life. I am creating that I already have everything and that my life is safe and secure.
Om, Peace, Amen
I have been holding back moving forward in career because of the commitment issue. Is that what I truly want? I am scared to work hard for what I want and then find at the end of the tunnel that I will be unfulfilled like every other time. Every goal I have ever set my mind to, I have acheived. Everytime I get focused on something I can draw all the money, help and situations to get to the end goal. The problem is I am so focused on the goal that I have pushed myself and others so hard and the journey was not enjoyed. I got lost in the process of wanting the end result. This always left me with a feeling of un-satisfaction or sadness when I would finally acheive the goal. There was always a deep sadness after accomplishing and I never knew why. Usually my pursuits involved something that would give me more of something; more money, more fame, more skills. But never just doing something because I just loved doing it. The past endeavours I took on, I was not enjoying the process of what I was doing. I was seeking a tangible result, fortune, fame. With EA I wasn't enjoying what I was doing, I was totally focused on when the business would be profitable but I wasn't really passionate about what I was doing to get there.
I like to start things but I don't like to do the work. I am a good director and board member. Not really the day to day operations because I don't like having a "job". I am declaring a breakdown because I don't think I've ever really considered doing what I love or pursuing a career following my talents and creative pursuits. I didn't feel worthy or good enough to do that. I keep myself separate from others because I am strong and I can be there for them but nobody can be there for me. I don't need friends. Once again, because I am getting to a goal and friends is not necessary plus I would rather do things by myself, on my own time. I have gone from relationship to relationship but end up feeling un-satisfied because I still don't know how to love myself or allow myself to relax and enjoy life. Maybe it's time for me to slow down and practice patience. At first the love sustains and fulfills me but then as things settle down and the magic wears off, I go back to feeling unfulfilled because I feel unfulfilled in myself. I have never felt good enough about myself. Like I am below people, not even up to the same levels as them. Because I grew up poor and people at my elementary school made my family feel like we were worth less. They never included us and they spoke badly about us, it made me feel low. I stole money from my father's wallet when I was young, I got caught and then he scolded me. I was traumatized because he wasn't ever giving me money and all I wanted to do was buy lunch and I couldn't understand why he couldn't afford to give me money. So I decided to get money myself the only way I knew how and from the only place I knew it came from, dad's wallet. When he scolded me I felt bad, like I wasn't any good and not worth anything. I decided I was bad and dishonest, not deserving of good things. I am declaring a breakdown because I realize I have been torturing myself for 15 years, not allowing myself to receive anything good because of what I did as a twelve year old child.
I have come to a cross roads where these beliefs are no longer serving me, I am feeling stuck and like I have been on a merry go round repeating the same thing over and over. I want off the ride, I want to be me again. I want to feel pure and happy like I did when I was three, in my father's arms riding the ferry out of town, the August sun warming my skin. I intend to be present with life and to enjoy it's moments and seconds. I intend to have close and authentic relationships with people and let them know who I really am. I have been afraid to let people get to know me because then they would discover that I'm actually below them, they would find out that I was poor and no good. I am stating that I am a perfect and beautiful woman and a divine child of God. I am intending that my life is lived fully and powerfully and that I have the power to move forward in all that I do, now. I am intending a powerful career in which the actions I daily take are actions I am excited about and love to share. I am intending that money flows because I love what I do and live from my heart space. I am intending that I love myself and forgive myself for the past. I am intending to clean up my past relationships with others so I can move forward authentically. I am creating that nothing is holding me back and that I have all the tools right now for everything I desire to co-create in life. I am creating that I already have everything and that my life is safe and secure.
Om, Peace, Amen
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
crystal clarity
The morning after the call, I started to have some intense emotional reactions. It started first with headaches, then the next morning, spontaneous healing sounds, as well as convulsions of my body. I could feel very deep emotional things trying to leave my body. Tonight I experienced the deepest Inner Dance experience and maybe one of the most profound experiences and healings of my life, alone in a room, laying on my back.
I have been contacted by beings of light, many of them, they seem to be blue and they are star people.
They are our family, the family of light and they shared many messages with me spontaneously, realization after realization sped through my mind, it felt like hundreds in just minutes, intuitively and in flashes of light.
Being in our power, is being in our hearts, is being in the heart of God.
I received deep and spontaneous healings of pain that I have been carrying around my whole life and maybe longer. I would like to share with you some of the things they shared with me.
They told me:
My name is White eagle Woman.
We are from the stars, we are supported and surrounded by our star family.
We don’t have to worry about others or the perceived suffering they are going through. Their souls are taken care of and they are happy.
We never have to worry about being taken care of when we are taking care of others.
We never have to worry about money, ever again.
If we tune into our hearts and stay in that center, all the money and everything else we need will be taken care of.
Spirit takes care of those who take care of his children and creation.
We never have to worry about our actions hurting other people when we are in our heart center, what is best for us, is always best for everyone when we are in attunment. Especially when we are shinning, it unconsciously uplifts and elevates them as well.
When we shine light into our bodies everyone on the planet is uplifting just from us being on that higher frequency.
All of our pain can be dissolved instantly by shedding on it light and love
All the power we seek is waiting for us right inside our own hearts. We cannot access the true power through our minds.
Blue beings of light guiding us.
Trust our emotions and where they lead us. Allow our dramas to play out and send them to light, be done with them.
When we are willing to surrender everything, everything will be returned back to us in a more beautiful way than we can ever imagine
When you make other`s goals and dreams become just as or more important than your own, you will be blessed beyond imagination and so will they.
There is always a solution there for every perceived problem, just tuning in and getting the personal attachment out of the way removes the problems instantly
We should surrender all to the higher power, let spirit take us over, we have nothing to fear
We are never alone, we have more support around us than we can even imagine
The higher power will sustain us in every endeavour
Trust what is happening, the mind will try and convince you otherwise
Go with the first initial feeling and hang on to it
Do not worry about others or for them, they are being sustained in every way, just as you are
The planet has much suffering but it is just the play of God, let it happen, do not be deceived by what you are perceiving to seem, there is a divine plan.
I have been contacted by beings of light, many of them, they seem to be blue and they are star people.
They are our family, the family of light and they shared many messages with me spontaneously, realization after realization sped through my mind, it felt like hundreds in just minutes, intuitively and in flashes of light.
Being in our power, is being in our hearts, is being in the heart of God.
I received deep and spontaneous healings of pain that I have been carrying around my whole life and maybe longer. I would like to share with you some of the things they shared with me.
They told me:
My name is White eagle Woman.
We are from the stars, we are supported and surrounded by our star family.
We don’t have to worry about others or the perceived suffering they are going through. Their souls are taken care of and they are happy.
We never have to worry about being taken care of when we are taking care of others.
We never have to worry about money, ever again.
If we tune into our hearts and stay in that center, all the money and everything else we need will be taken care of.
Spirit takes care of those who take care of his children and creation.
We never have to worry about our actions hurting other people when we are in our heart center, what is best for us, is always best for everyone when we are in attunment. Especially when we are shinning, it unconsciously uplifts and elevates them as well.
When we shine light into our bodies everyone on the planet is uplifting just from us being on that higher frequency.
All of our pain can be dissolved instantly by shedding on it light and love
All the power we seek is waiting for us right inside our own hearts. We cannot access the true power through our minds.
Blue beings of light guiding us.
Trust our emotions and where they lead us. Allow our dramas to play out and send them to light, be done with them.
When we are willing to surrender everything, everything will be returned back to us in a more beautiful way than we can ever imagine
When you make other`s goals and dreams become just as or more important than your own, you will be blessed beyond imagination and so will they.
There is always a solution there for every perceived problem, just tuning in and getting the personal attachment out of the way removes the problems instantly
We should surrender all to the higher power, let spirit take us over, we have nothing to fear
We are never alone, we have more support around us than we can even imagine
The higher power will sustain us in every endeavour
Trust what is happening, the mind will try and convince you otherwise
Go with the first initial feeling and hang on to it
Do not worry about others or for them, they are being sustained in every way, just as you are
The planet has much suffering but it is just the play of God, let it happen, do not be deceived by what you are perceiving to seem, there is a divine plan.
why
Why is it that the decisions we need to make can feel so difficult?
I've been so conflicted lately between what I want, what I feel, and what I think I should be doing.
There's a stain on the carpet in my living room, I clean it and it just keeps re-appearing.
The more barriers I break down, it seems there is something more there, just a little deeper than the last thing.
Doing what we should can feel a task because none of us likes rules, especially my generation. But by doing what we should maybe we will finally find the happiness we have been seeking. By should, I mean surrendering, flowing, following the heart and letting it flow, let it go.
I sat up late this weekend with my friend Alaya, we had a bit of herbal medicine and went into some deeply rooted issues. It seems many of us are becoming extremely sensitive to this society, especially the deeper we go into ceremony and self exploration. This city living can appear as quite the struggle. This is only one side of the coin and I suppose there needs to be an outer catalyst to push us back inside. It feels like there is a really strong call right now to become whole, inside our selves as individuals connecting to to the one source which flows though every cell of our being.
I feel like my biggest obstacle lately is thinking I know. If I know everything, how can I learn anything. I have been experiencing some very significant shifts between heart and mind. I feel I am being shown how painful it is to remain living from the mind.
I want to be honest and I don't think I can speak from my mind because it really gets me nowhere.
When I am in my heart I feel like a little girl again. When I am in a safe space with people I love, my heart is wide open and I am in love. What about the rest of the time when I am walking around in the city?
I feel sad, I miss J. He is the one thing I felt sure of. I guess God wants me to let go of all attachment and expectation. When I am still, I can honestly say that God has never failed me. Every time I have broken down because I felt he was taking something special from me, he has always had a bigger plan in mind.
Everything has always worked out, usually better than I could ever plan. Sometimes trusting can feel like such a hard thing. Like how could I possibly take this step when I have no idea what the outcome is going to be and what if I totally mess everything up? But maybe trusting is really the key to happiness. To embrace life, rather than suffer the resistance to what life is bringing us. To let go.
I've been so conflicted lately between what I want, what I feel, and what I think I should be doing.
I'm so tired of my mind to be honest. Part of me wants to leave to go to the country and live in community, the other part wants to be here and create a successful business around what I love to do, and then the other part wants to do the business just to get to the community. Does this make any sense?
There's a stain on the carpet in my living room, I clean it and it just keeps re-appearing.
The more barriers I break down, it seems there is something more there, just a little deeper than the last thing.
Doing what we should can feel a task because none of us likes rules, especially my generation. But by doing what we should maybe we will finally find the happiness we have been seeking. By should, I mean surrendering, flowing, following the heart and letting it flow, let it go.
I sat up late this weekend with my friend Alaya, we had a bit of herbal medicine and went into some deeply rooted issues. It seems many of us are becoming extremely sensitive to this society, especially the deeper we go into ceremony and self exploration. This city living can appear as quite the struggle. This is only one side of the coin and I suppose there needs to be an outer catalyst to push us back inside. It feels like there is a really strong call right now to become whole, inside our selves as individuals connecting to to the one source which flows though every cell of our being.
I feel like my biggest obstacle lately is thinking I know. If I know everything, how can I learn anything. I have been experiencing some very significant shifts between heart and mind. I feel I am being shown how painful it is to remain living from the mind.
I want to be honest and I don't think I can speak from my mind because it really gets me nowhere.
When I am in my heart I feel like a little girl again. When I am in a safe space with people I love, my heart is wide open and I am in love. What about the rest of the time when I am walking around in the city?
I feel sad, I miss J. He is the one thing I felt sure of. I guess God wants me to let go of all attachment and expectation. When I am still, I can honestly say that God has never failed me. Every time I have broken down because I felt he was taking something special from me, he has always had a bigger plan in mind.
Everything has always worked out, usually better than I could ever plan. Sometimes trusting can feel like such a hard thing. Like how could I possibly take this step when I have no idea what the outcome is going to be and what if I totally mess everything up? But maybe trusting is really the key to happiness. To embrace life, rather than suffer the resistance to what life is bringing us. To let go.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
letting go
I feel the shift. I feel I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be.
This is the shift, I am seeing myself, my beauty for the first time. I am taking the blinders off
and I am letting go of the hurts from the past.
I sat with my mom this morning and I told her how much it hurt me to feel unsupported by her
on my graduation day when she wasn't there. I let her know how low it made me feel about myself when I was thrown in jail and left there over night by her. I let her know how much pain it made me feel about my self worth in life. I bawled and bawled as I told her. As I told her I watched the lines around her eyes crinkle as tears poured down her face. My heart broke open as I saw how much her heart had hurt from hurting me. How sad her life had been from struggling with the hurt and pain she had caused others and experienced herself. The compassion flowed from my heart as she explained how deeply sad and confused she had been at that time. How my father had called her names and put her down and how low she felt. How sad it was for her carrying on the extreme disciplinary tactics her parents had inflicted on her and how she had no other way to cope.
I told her how I had re-experienced my birth two days earlier and how painfully I had carried the experience with me up until this day. I asked her if I had been held upside down by my feet and she confirmed it. I cried as I told her how sensitive a being I was from the day I came into the world. She shared with me how she had wanted to have a water birth and my father and her had discussed it and how she became afraid when the time actually came. She told me how she had wanted to home school me and keep me away from the normal system because she knew how special I was. I cried as I told her I wish she had. She explained to me how the aggressive anger of her father had caused her to believe she may have been consceived with that type of energy. I watch her face and saw the pain that her family line had ingrained in her and how the "dark spirits" as she called them had confused her and dragged her mind down. I listened openly to her for the first time in ten years as she told me about how I could change the family line by breaking the old patterns. As I listened I realized that all the things my mother had been afraid to do, I now had the strength and ooportunity to change. I do not have to continue on with this pattern of hurt and pain and in this intimate moment with my mother, I let the pain go. I saw how the only person being affected by my anger was me. The moment I felt forgiveness for my mother, I felt my heart open to greater awareness, true love and the realization that my relationships could now deepen from the the new space that had been created. I could not truly love because my heart was partially closed from the pain that I had so deeply lodged within my being.
All it took was the willingness to go through what needed to take place, free of anger and blame. The moment was ripe and the opportunity was presented. Many, many prayers had led up to that moment. Even just last night in the sweat lodge I prayed from healing and forgiveness with my mom. Prayers are heard.
I feel beautiful. I feel love for my mother and understanding for her situation. I feel the shift, I am letting go and I am filled with love.
This is the shift, I am seeing myself, my beauty for the first time. I am taking the blinders off
and I am letting go of the hurts from the past.
I sat with my mom this morning and I told her how much it hurt me to feel unsupported by her
on my graduation day when she wasn't there. I let her know how low it made me feel about myself when I was thrown in jail and left there over night by her. I let her know how much pain it made me feel about my self worth in life. I bawled and bawled as I told her. As I told her I watched the lines around her eyes crinkle as tears poured down her face. My heart broke open as I saw how much her heart had hurt from hurting me. How sad her life had been from struggling with the hurt and pain she had caused others and experienced herself. The compassion flowed from my heart as she explained how deeply sad and confused she had been at that time. How my father had called her names and put her down and how low she felt. How sad it was for her carrying on the extreme disciplinary tactics her parents had inflicted on her and how she had no other way to cope.
I told her how I had re-experienced my birth two days earlier and how painfully I had carried the experience with me up until this day. I asked her if I had been held upside down by my feet and she confirmed it. I cried as I told her how sensitive a being I was from the day I came into the world. She shared with me how she had wanted to have a water birth and my father and her had discussed it and how she became afraid when the time actually came. She told me how she had wanted to home school me and keep me away from the normal system because she knew how special I was. I cried as I told her I wish she had. She explained to me how the aggressive anger of her father had caused her to believe she may have been consceived with that type of energy. I watch her face and saw the pain that her family line had ingrained in her and how the "dark spirits" as she called them had confused her and dragged her mind down. I listened openly to her for the first time in ten years as she told me about how I could change the family line by breaking the old patterns. As I listened I realized that all the things my mother had been afraid to do, I now had the strength and ooportunity to change. I do not have to continue on with this pattern of hurt and pain and in this intimate moment with my mother, I let the pain go. I saw how the only person being affected by my anger was me. The moment I felt forgiveness for my mother, I felt my heart open to greater awareness, true love and the realization that my relationships could now deepen from the the new space that had been created. I could not truly love because my heart was partially closed from the pain that I had so deeply lodged within my being.
All it took was the willingness to go through what needed to take place, free of anger and blame. The moment was ripe and the opportunity was presented. Many, many prayers had led up to that moment. Even just last night in the sweat lodge I prayed from healing and forgiveness with my mom. Prayers are heard.
I feel beautiful. I feel love for my mother and understanding for her situation. I feel the shift, I am letting go and I am filled with love.
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