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I feel so inauthentic. I feel like I have been living in such a shell, sheltering myself and cutting myself off from the flow to protect somethin. What it is, I don't know. I'm leaving to Arizona tomorrow to go be still, to get quiet and to live a more simple life for a few weeks. I need quiet to think, to paint, to pray, In the city the time seems to constantly be filled with something or someone. I haven't had that problem as far as having anyone else around because I pretty much always can find something to busy my time with. It sucks because I haven't really made time for friends in my life. I realized it this past week when I got sick and I had no one to call to bring me some ginger and lemons. It was lonely. I hung out with my sister late last night, which I was resisting doing because I wanted to keep with my schedule of the next day which involved getting up early. We decided to smoke a little together, sit up over tea and clear some things. She showed me that I have been really self absorbed and really, a spritual ass in alot of ways. I wasn't meeting her at her level, and I'm not sure but I can bet she is not the only one. I have this high expectation out of people, out of life and of course of myself. I look for perfection and it definitely comes out in my life, work and mainly my art. It is good where it belongs, but it definitely has taken a negative impact on my relationships. It's tough to look at this right now because I feel very uncomfortable addressing this issue and I can feel the vortices in my spine waking up as I write about this.

I have this plan, sort of, for when I go to Arizona. I want to read books about art techniques, spirituality, I want to paint and draw and mostly I want to go deep into healing. Personal healing as well as learning more about the healing modalities that have come into my life.
So much has come up over this Christmas holiday. I have been feeling particularly sensitive, like even the slightest things have hurt my feelings as well as I cry very easily. I was watching Home Alone the other night and at the end I just started bawling. I was surprised at how easily I am being touched. I have also been going very deep into stones and crystals recently and several new stones have come into my life, which always brings a new and joyful energy. I connected deeply with my brother and sister who live out of country and it felt very good to clear some old energies from the past. I feel good about that and I guess I need to remember to celebrate my victories. It's weird because I have been writing as much recently, I guess I have been focusing on my artwork which I am so excited about. I created a few new pieces over the Holidays and three of them are already out the door. I am feeling so grateful and thankful to God for the life he has given me.

It feels good to come clean with myself about things. I feel that Arizona is going to be a time to dive deep into what I have been afraid to look at here. I am very excited to bring in the New Year in the country with good, solid spiritual family by my side. I know 2012 is bringing much beauty, gifts and light. My body is kinda weak right now as I am just getting over a cold, part of me was purging much of the past when I started to get sick.

In regards to my friends, I intend to start making time. Growing up I always watched my dad struggling to make a living, he never had time for friends, or extras. I think part of me is shedding these old, un-useful beliefs I grew up around. I happen to have some class A people in my life right now, and most of them are as busy as me. But I noticed that they all seem to find time to enjoy. Last night when I was high, trying to go to sleep, I noticed something that started to become quite comical. Before I could go to sleep I found like 100 things I needed to do before I could go to sleep. I needed tea and earplugs, brush my teeth, shower, clean the kitchen, light a candle, plug my phone in, hold a crystal, take a melatonin. The list just went on and on and I was seeing how much my mind just finds things to busy itself with. One thing I am finally learning is that I can't force things anymore. I am more and more seeing that my life is becoming a spontaneous flow of actions and activity. When I let that flow take over, my heart is open and everything gets done in a way that I can only describe as magic.