Ode to Yoga by Clarity West

Ode to yoga by Charity West copyright2003
 
Pour quoi pas Tadasana?
Pranayama don’t cha wanna?
There is no yama without niyama.
Yoga is chita, chita vriti, chita vriti neurode.
Do you dig my ode?
My third eye expands to become infinity
Time and space are endless false realities
Seemingly solid form is transparent
Every man is the alchemist
Check out my chakras
Red, orange, yellow, heart, star
Kundalini blast
Getting high on pure energy
Avrita tastes so sweet, why do we need to eat?
Drink the sun’s rays, digest the living earth
Instead of masturbation try meditation
Internalize don’t deteriorize the flow 
Just let go then you will see
The show around you
Play your part…unattached
Moderation is the key 
Find the balance
The road is straight and narrow
Don’t be blind see your spine 
Is the way so treat it kind
Realization that the vibration of
Om, Om, Om will take you home
To God
Chant a mantra or practice tantra
Materialize dreams with mind power
Don’t you see we are free
When we choose to be
See a woman as your mother
See man as your brother 
Only then can we break the den
Of limitations.

Vedic Education and discovering your Dharma

Here is a bunch of students and I from the Ananda College back in June presenting in LA about our experience with Vedic education and how our dharma fits in with that.

My karma

The words to describe my karma are: really fast, intense and quick.
It seems I am an extremist of sorts and it also seems to play out with my karma.

I live in an ashram. I own nothing. I live in the city. I own a store.
I have nothing. I have everything.
I lay on the beach in the Philippines and do sadhana for 6 hours a day. I'm in the US working 7 days a week.
I live in the countryside of Oregon as a nun. I'm living in LA wheeling and dealing. Haha
I'm not sure but I have always sort of lived life intensely. I think I get bored easily.

It's interesting karma that Master has brought me to LA, to southern California. But I do feel that my vibration attracted me here. Somehow I have denied for years wanting to live here. Not feeling like I was ready or if it was for me. Master tricked me into coming here. For how long, who knows?  It's only been over a week that I have arrived here and I'm already getting anxiety that I haven't started a company yet. That's what I do. I start companies. I have already had 2 formally incorporated companies and 2 informal companies of my own and I am not even 30. It's really what I love to do besides meditating. It's also the only way I know how to make money. I've never really been able to figure out the art of having "a job". But maybe it's all for the good. Business for me and the art of "making it" really attracts me. It gives me something to direct my focus and energy too. That's why I love to make movie. It's directing and focusing energy to achieve a certain goal and tangible outcome.Besides the pursuit of God, Yogananda said the art of making money dharmically is the next most worthwhile goal.

I have always felt compelled to make a success of this life with some noble activity or business that can help mankind achieve greater connection with God and himself. I think those "men" that I want to help on a global level are children. I love children but I don't have any of my own. I'm not sure if I ever will?
I particularly love being around kids because they are real.
They are beyond pretense, close mindedness and stubbornness that you see so commonly with adults.

Anyhow I am feeling good about the possibility of dreaming and seeing a future full of goodness. It seems that after 29 years of struggle and agony, my dharma is finally becoming clear. Thank the lord. I think this is in a large part why I have not felt fully happy. I need to be fulfilling my dharma. Which is the reason why God sent me here. He has a very specific purpose for me and for us. And when we find that, we feel fulfilled, content, happy.  Even if there is not a lot of money in it, wealth in and of itself  means nothing even Yogananda said it. But that will come too, I know it will when I am in line with what I love to do and I'm focused on giving much more than taking.
Ananda has been a great disciplined path for me to learn about giving and offering myself, It's been intense and can get out of hand sometimes, but all in all, better to go all the way one way, and then at least you can swing back to the middle again. You see, again with the extremes!  Ok, soo tired now, goodnight.
Ommmmmmmm

Tues, April 23rd (3rd day after Swamiji’s passing)

Something big happened last night as I was sitting front seat at the front of the temple for Swamiji’s commemoration ceremony.  As I watched the flower procession carry on, I felt completely raw and exposed. I felt disgusted at what I saw. Human beings, attachment to one another, to love, to marriage, old age, diseased old saggy bodies, decomposing as we speak. I could barely stand to look. I am disgusted by the ego right now. By my own and by others. I feel like I absolutely want to serve and give everything to Swamiji but I am so conflicted because I don’t know how much to give, what to do at what time.  Can I give 24/7? I want to but I am absolutely exhausted mentally but more so physically. DO I sleep in and rest the body for a day? But then I miss a day of being and feeling in tune. Am I feeling in tune right now? Well, no. Because I feel sad. I feel sad and distraught over loosing Swamiji. I haven’t been honoring people. I haven’t been cherishing them or making them feel important. I haven’t felt loved or important. I know people look up to me. It would help to be kind. It’s hard sometimes. I get too comfortable.

FInding Happiness

Did anyone else weep when they watched the movie "Finding Happiness"? The movie about Ananda village and Swami Kriyananda's deep attunment to Yogananda's vision for creating world brotherhood communities.I have seen it twice now and it's a good thing I was alone the second time because I wept like a baby.
Since Swamiji's passing in April there has been a nearness, a closeness and a love that I didn't feel the same way as I do now. It has been tough in many regards since Swamiji left because it has forced me to look honestly and truthfully at my life and actions. Who Swami Kriyananda was only came clear to me after his passing as I have heard happens to many of us after a loved one departs. Why do we wait to explore the potential or to appreciate and be open to the love and gift each one of us is. My biggest regret is not following him more fully when I had the chance.  And not living more fully in joy. For the sadness and denial of joy causes the happy experiences to be negated and blocked out There is always the NOW and as soon as I stop crying over my lost Swami, I can begin to help again.

Ha

I'm laughing to myself as I'm making dinner. How did I end up staying in a house with a bunch of guys?
A second later I realize what it is. All my girlfriends, all they want to do is talk about guys. I don't want to talk about guys. At least I know what I'm doing as far as my own vows so being around guys doesn't bother me. Within reason. But I think being around other nuns would best. But where are all the bramacharinis?

And clear....

A short essay by Clarity West

I am always so astounded at the things that happen to us in life.
We never can prepare for what’s going to happen next. Is it like that for you?

I never could have imagined there would be a period in my life where it would be hard to get things done. To accomplish things, I mean on every level, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. In the past, things generally have been so easy for me to manifest and create. I always felt it was easy, I mean I took it for granted that I could always achieve what I wanted. Maybe there was even an inward certainty or confidence around it. Acheiving, producing, creating, it was what I got my worth from. But lately, I have felt so tired. It's taken effort to go out there everyday and continue to put out energy despite this resistance. It's been some months now that I've dealt with this force. Welcome to Saturn’s return I'm told, mix that up with bramacharya vows. I mean maybe the tests and tasks are just getting bigger and now. I’m dealing with different levels maybe more subtle than say just the material plane. I want to say how much my life is mixed with such clarity, such joy and also so much pain and sorrow. I was advised today that many things that I’m experiencing are not personal, many people have been experiencing challenging times this past months and I'm told astrologically we are moving out of this difficult period now. I mean they are not personal attacks by the universe. It could take it as an opportunity to feel and experience another aspect of life, to expand my compassion to be able to experience another reality. I needed to know what it feels like to not have full energy to do things all of the time. It's humbling, especially to have to reach out and ask for help or to admit I can't do it all on my own. One day someone may ask for help and I will be able to say I understand because I will know how it feels.

Over this past year since I took my vows, I feel an increasing strength inside. It has been a powerful time for me but the tests have been excruciating at times. Last night I was screaming at God, really quite emotionally, I was upset about something and I demanded answers. The next morning at 6am I was digging through my backpack and there it was, the answer was right there. I thanked God and felt like a bit of an ass. But it’s a little like talking to your partner, you are that close and you love them that much that sometimes you can get  a little angry with them. There is a grace though when I make even slightest effort, even just to remember I’m not alone. I forget a lot. Renunciation brings the same grace and gift that comes with fasting.  It’s a conserving and transmuting energy for something greater, it's a test, it's a blessing, it's colorful, it's full, it's an emptying out, it's emotional, it's impersonal, it's lonely, it's a long ass journey, it's the only way, it's for life, it's magical and mystical, it's personal and it's mine. And no matter how awkward it may get sometimes, I know that I can go anywhere in the world and it will be ok. In fact, it has proven time and time again that home is where the heart is because I know God is with me.

I had a very interesting experience this past weekend when I went out to work in “the world” after being around Ananda for well over a year and a half. I went to work in a world that has no concept of renunciation, “vows” or living for God. I was dressed in yellow, being a bramacharini and it was funny because one fellow (my boss’s boss) commented that I must really like the color yellow because I was always wearing it. Actually I do but I wouldn’t necessarily care to wear it every day. And I do have an issue with having to wear yellow everyday but I have bigger fish to fry and if that is the worst part of things then I'm doing alright. After the first day at work on "the outside" I honestly felt that I would not be able to do this type of work because it was “out there” in the world. I felt that it was hopeless for me to be a part of a society where people just would not respect or understand my boundaries. Not only that but I watched as my energies got so tested as my senses naturally, went out. I felt hopeless at the idea that I would have to sequester myself away from the world just to feel normal. I just can’t do it! My mind screamed as I sat ackwardly at dinner with my boss and our colleagues. When I got home, I did a few kriyas and I went to bed.

The next morning, 5am I woke up and gave my head a shake. What have I been doing with my own energy, where have I been placing my attention and focus? Outside, that's where. On everyone and everything else but inside and that's why I feel this way. No one can take me out of myself but me. My boundaries are my boundaries and if I am firm in them, no one can shake me. This is where the teachings actually come in to practice. I must be able to be around anyone, male or female and stay inside myself, centered. As a side note, I must mention that I was working around a group of 60+ highly professionally trained intellectual people, mostly men, aged 30-50's. Basically a bunch of really cool geeks. This was after having been around the Ananda crowds for well over a year. It was placed in a very different situation to say the least.
The funny thing was, by day two, there was nothing.I was just me, neither male or female. I was just a child of God, serving to the best of my ability. I did my best to be friendly, but not overly and it was fine.
Can this work long term day and in and day? I don’t know.
But it is all happening inside, this whole world is happening inside. What does that even mean? It means we are living in a pretty trippy world.

It makes no sense, but it feels good

I'm in Los Angeles. I'm leaving tomorrow. This last weekend has been truly incredible. I followed my heart here, it made absolutely no sense financially or otherwise. But it felt like a fun thing to do and I felt drawn to come here. The doors that opened up for me here were so beautiful and I shared my energy and shared what was true for me right now in life. So was it the right decision? YES!

Krishna Gopala Radhe Shyam

I know now why I love so much. I love Krishna.

I know now why I long so much to love another. I love Krishna.

I know now why day and night I pine and brood inside myself. Krishna.

I have been looking all over, where is he, where is he. He is in me, Krishna.

Radha longs for Krishna's gentle touch, to make love to her, in the silence of her own mind. 

Brooding, heavy in the heat of the late summer night, alone in my tent, contemplating my love. 

I know now, Krishna. He is the man, the counterpart I yearn for with every ounce of my energy. My heart is aflame burning with desire that no man could ever fill. No love can counteract the love that Krishna gives to me. He is my all, he is my everything. 

When I am Radha, Krishna comes. 

When I abandon my hopeless, unquenchable, human appetites and desires, Krishna comes. He fills my heart with a music, a song that no other can sing. He sings though me, he kisses my lips with the cool breeze and he covers my aching soul with a balm so soothing. My hearts is only at rest when Krishna comes. 

He comes like a thief in the night I have been told but for me, Krishna comes as the melter of my heart. The most attractive, beloved, kindest, sweet, intimate, loving, caring partner. Krishna comes to me in the sweetness of meditation, my early morning quiet contemplations. When I long to be held or to be heard, he comes to me, in form. It’s no wonder I love thee friend, it’s no wonder I so deeply love you. You are Krishna. And if I have ever treated you as anything but, please accept my apologies.

I am Radha today, I was Radha yesterday and every time I remember, Krishna comes.

I love you, I love you, I love only you. Krishna. 

Advice from a friend

Here's what I would tell myself if I were my best friend talking to me.

It's going to be ok. Going somewhere else is not going to make you happy, but sometimes you do need a break and sometimes you may also need to switch the situation. You are okay. As you become more and more conscious, you are becoming aware of more and more in yourself that does not work or serve you . That small voice in your head that says you are doing it wrong, backwards, not good enough; you don't need to heed that voice any longer. You hear it now, so it is loosing it's power. It may feel really tough right now, like you don't want to go on, or you can't. It is worth it. You will see, one day you will look back, and that day will be soon. You will know it was all worthwhile and you will think about how those were some of the best times of your life. Not because they were easy and fun, but because you got to know yourself and you got to grow through it all. Sometimes you feel very alone, and you wish you had someone there to talk to. You do, always, you can always talk to me. I am your best friend, I am you, I am your highest self, I am your guru. You are never alone. It's going to be all right. Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time and love yourself. No matter who does or doesn't, love yourself and know that you deserve always to be happy. Don't let anyone's words or actions convince you otherwise. You are a child of God and to that extent, you are always entitled to joy and peace. Follow that still voice in your heart but make sure it is that still voice. Then, when you hear it, listen to it and don't sacrifice it for anyone. That is my advice to you my dear friend.

Subjective reality

Why do they gotta make it so tough on themselves. On themselves and other people. As if life has to be hard, a struggle, a push, a shove, a grown up's world. What is wrong with kindness. Aren't we all seeking it? So why is it so hard, just to offer a little kindness, even when we don't have to. I want to stand there every morning in the circle and just enjoy the love there that is present. It's hard to watch sometimes as people put on their mask. How to stay strong on not pull out my own. To hide behind a false joke, something unreal and unnatural. I want to be in myself no matter what anyone else is doing around me.That is it. 

Yesterday I had a marvelous day where I just felt me. I felt myself. I was myself. I went out into the world and I was MYSELF. I did not need to put on any pretense or make-up, real or figurative. I enjoyed it so much, I felt like I spent the whole afternoon with God because I was just spending it with myself. Unplanned, unstructured, free-flowing but also, just simple. Just nice. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I felt relaxed. It's been awhile since I have felt that feeling. Especially since coming to Ananda. But I guess inner relaxation does come, eventually. I went to get a tea and I drove through the pelting rain down a country road. I picked up my friend Brooke at Laurelwood and we went to Portland. We planned to go do yoga and eat raw food, which upon arriving to town, realized was an outrageous idea. We live in a yoga community and constantly eat healthy food! So instead, we went to a bookstore, got fries and sushi and ate chocolate as we explored the city of Portland. That was a much better choice and somehow, I knew it was the right one for that moment. I booked the last week off to have a summer vacation at home, Laurelwood that is. It was next near impossible! I tell you, these Anandites, they either really know how to relax and have disappeared off the face of the planet or they are hard at it, running around every minute. I suppose we all have a lot of energy and it needs to go somewhere. I'm starting to accept it. Tomorrow, it's back to it. Now I have to decide whether to watch a movie or paint. Movie sounds good because I don't have to move but it's 11am in the morning. Ah, decisions, decisions.

Letters to devotees

It has been a long time since I have opened up. I closed the vault several months ago, took the blog down and shut the door. It was a deep and inward winter. It was to intimate to continue sharing on here. I stopped wanting to do anything, I stopped wanting to give, of myself, to love. I acheived so much in the world before getting into this spiritual path, in the way I have now. It means little. I am starting over so to speak, I am re-gaining my strength. It really is a new me emerging, it is birth. Not in a traditional sense, but I am birthing, like many other women at this age. Mine is metaphysical. So here I am at Ananda Village and Master (Yogananda) tells me to start writing again. So here I am. Let's see where this goes.

Several weeks ago now, Swami Kriyananda, founder and spiritual leader of Ananda Worldwide, passed on. This last weekend was a commemoration for his life and legacy. Our beloved Swamiji will be missed.

Dear Asha,

thank you for the quick reply last night.

I have read your letters and feelings you have expressed re Swamiji's passing and I am quite certain what you are feeling must be very big. Asha, these past few weeks I feel like my heart has exploded into a million pieces. It started Oct of last year when I took bramacharya vows shortly after Swamiji and Narayani visited Laurelwood. My life was literally, flipped upside down. 

Swamiji's leaving the body has created much turmoil in me. I am staying at Ayodya with my sister Melody and as I walked away from the Crystal hermitage last night with Prakash, I asked him: "How are you handling all this. Weren't you Swamiji's secretary at one point?" Prakash replied: "Some people come to be with Swamiji because they have good organizational skills and some come to him because they need the help. You can guess which one I was."  Well, I could not put it any better than that. I was called to this path because I need help.

I am in a state of questioning and uncertainty as to my most interesting relationship to Swamiji. Having grown up around SRF, it has made the idea of "coming over" to Ananda a little like giving up my most cherished and dearest love. Swamiji and I actually once had a fight over e-mail at one point, which sounds quite comical now but was quite painful only a few weeks ago. I felt close to him.

My inner turmoil right now stems from my feeling of shying away from this Ananda path which seems so intense and insane at times. And being conflicted with my relationship to Swamiji that appears and feels so deep. This past week living right beside the Crystal hermitage has been something so profound. For the first time I can actually and have heard Swamiji speaklng, inside of me. How can this be and how can I feel so far from a part of Ananda? 

I am feeling quite confused outwardly with Ananda as many of the past ten years I have felt like I don't quite belong here. But I am pushing as I don't want it to be my ego. So I keep trying.

I heard that you have addressed issues re SRF before and I have a very active mind if you can't tell. If you can help me gain some insight or clarity, I would be grateful. Thanks

PS. It was funny because as I was reaching out to skype you yesterday, Seva literally walked in the door to find me crying. She basically told me, I didn't have to choose and if I want to be an SRF nun that is great. I'm not sure if I do but it seems since I am a devotee of Master's, that I have to choose. Both has not been working, as you can see, because I haven;t thrown myself into either. This past weekend I tried to dunk my head under the waters, so to speak and just join the flow here. There are moments, and there are many that are not so pretty.

Jai Guru

love

Clarity

You tell me

There is so much beauty sometimes it is hard to see what it is.
I painted a picture the other day, I gave it to my girlfriend.
I had no idea what it was, it just felt good to paint.
When I gave it to her, she saw it. And then so did it.
It was a beautiful bird, with flowers and a pink and yellow sunset in back.
I gave it away because I couldn't see what it was, I couldn't define it so it didn't mean a whole lot to me. So I was un-attached.

I have been considering stopping writing this blog. Why? Because I have nothing left to complain about.
Ha!
Things are actually going well. It's amazing. I am changing, something is finally changing and all I am doing is relaxing. Not really outwardly, because I've been super busy with Laurelwood and classes now, but more inwardly. It's as if all these years of hard work and focus towards healing, are suddenly kicking in. Why? Because I'm not pushing anymore, I'm not trying to heal, I'm finally starting to relax and just be. I'm feeling.
It's like it really takes time to get relaxed for me especially.

It will be almost one year now that I have been at Laurelwood. It's taken me that long and I'm sure it will still require more time, but I'm opening. I'm open. I discovered that it takes me longer and gentler ways to allow myself to open up. All that traveling and medicines were fast, oh so fast and it was exactly what I needed to begin to discover who I am. Now I know what does and doesn't work. It's hard now to ignore when I hear the inward call. I know what I need to do and when I'm being called. Before it was hard to feel the light, now it's learning to keep the light inside and not give it away. You would be surprised. It's either we are feeling pain, or feeling joy and either way we want to get rid of it. We want to give our love to someone, we want to find someone in a grumpy mood, and we want to give away our joy. Who's choice is it? Who's choice was it to walk into that room right at the moment that your sister was pissed off or grumpy? It's our choice. I like these tests a lot better because at least I'm dealing with joy now, rather than pain. It's a good life, but it's still maya. So what am I going to find to blog about now that I am finally happy? Any ideas
:)

NOW or never

I've been on a vision quest since June 2009. It's now February 2013. Almost 4 years.
In the Native American way, four years is a full cycle. Pi Villaraza, a baylan (Philippine shaman) told me after doing a healing on me: the vision quest has to end sometime. It may be now. But it may not.

I have been going through a healing crisis for four years, I have been in constant cleanse mode. Imagine being on a cleanse for four years. Not only did I get addicted to cleansing but I may have also got addicted to the pain. Things are rough when you are cleansing because it is exactly that, cleansing out the old to make new for the new. This involves experiencing and facing the toxic things that come up. That is the only way to remove them or at least let them pass into the light.My main way of letting this stuff go has been prayer. A constant and ongoing prayer 24/7.

Lately, I have been waking up early in the morning automatically and I will sit right up and start meditating, without even a thought. This cleanse, fast, vision quest has been extremely detrimental to my social and friendship life. I can't honestly say that after all this time I have too many close friends. Although the people I have connected with over these past four years have been amazing soul searchers as well and the connections, however short, are deep. I feel connected to many people around the globe who I have had the pleasure of questing with. All my friends love God. How amazing is that?

My past was really rough, I mean really rough. It is all coming to a head right now and I am offering it into and inviting in the light. Because where the light comes in, darkness cannot remain.

I'm sure it has not been easy being around me the past few months especially, I have been pretty inward. It seems that to move on with life there is a certain part of this whole journey I have to put down. I have to let the search go and be where I am now. I asked for community and I found one. I asked for God and she came. Divine mother is showing me parts of myself that are so connected and so beautiful. This solid earth, material life has been totally not a part of my reality these past years. I have been off on other realms and it may be time to come back. I'm just saying, it may be. I have not been living and operating in the same reality most everyday people are. I have been communing with other realms and looking to return there and be more and more in spirit. I have been tearing down walls and tearing down my material life. I have nothing but if you were to rip open my chest, you would find a golden treasure buried deep within. It may be the beginning now, of getting back to life.

Years ago I gave up my apartment, my home and everything I owned and I journeyed. I went all over the place. Recently I gave up a trip to India and that may be a sure sign that I am ready to start re-building roots into the soil of Earth. It may take time, patience and extreme unconditional love, but I know with God's help, I can do it. My heart is overwhelmed as it has grown accustomed to withdrawing, to being inside. The thought of going out into the world and just living life seems empty. But that is a fear from the past because it was empty before I found the gold inside, the fear is the separation,. But I can live life differently this time, in a conscious way, in attunment. I can live with joy and love this time. Keeping connection with source is my main goal. I know it all sounds crazy and extreme, but I am.

Well, first things first. Eating breakfast would be a great start to the day, so that is what I am going to do now. Then I'm going to e-mail my family and thank them for helping support me to get into school, something I have wanted to do for years. I have quoted this before but it comes up often, "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto thee".

If you haven't seen my documentary film trailer, here it is. Completing this film completed may be a good way to process and complete the quest.

Jai love!

The pain, the pain, the pain again with the pain. The fear, the fear, the fear, the fear. Afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to put myself out there, expose myself. So instead, I get angry and I cover myself up. Again and again, these two little figures sitting, one on each shoulder. The voice of the devil and the other, the angels. A great man, Paulo Roberto said: you must be able to discern which voices are whispering to you. When you have high thoughts, it is the voice of the angels. When it is low thoughts, the voice of the demonic ones. And the last, the voice of yourself. So you must know yourself so you can always discern which voice is talking to you.

I am cracking up. Life is cracking up around me. I am struggling to hold on with everything I have and at the same time totally and utterly losing control. I am mad. God is mad, completely crazy, out of his mind. What is this thing we are living everyday. It feels like a hellish realm yet I yearn with everything inside my being to bring Peace and Harmony to this family. To the world, to my own family. I wish to give birth but in another way or form I don't fully understand. My being wants to give birth to life yet everything around me is trying to tear it down.

The past, the dirt, the sickness, has been trying to drag this pure being of light through it. Please let it down my girl. You are a princess, you are my daughter in this kingdom, you are free. He tells me over and over. I love you more than anything on this earth. All I want is you father, everything on this planet is empty without you. You are the only thing I want. Please, please take me home. I yearn, I ached. I force myself to meditate, day in and day out if only to come a little closer to him, to my true home. Why does it take me getting to the edge always to reach out. You are my only friend right now.

Homework seems ridiculous right now. Something I care very little about. I'm not going to change anything anymore, I give in. I want to be part of my family, I cried for community. But can I accept them? Accept that human beings are not perfect, not at all. But can I be ok with that. The Ayahusca medicine and it's teachings are coming back strong, are showing me what i experienced and why. All the lessons I wasn't able to face a year ago. I was shown my daily state of consciousness magnified and how toxic and hard it is to constantly live in guilt, in fear, in shame. Human conditions we have been passed from our ancestors. Is any of this making any sense? Always wanting to be somewhere either than here. What is this human condition I have inherited. I never asked for it.

My consciousness is not of this planet, my mind, my spirit is inward everyday communing with the divine. I want to be closer, close, I want to be in spirit. Visiting all those realms put me in touch with something else. I never knew life would be so hard, I had some idea that it would be easier. Life is tough. But somehow, there is light. I know there is, all I have to do is look up and I see it.  It is pouring out of me and all around me. My ego, the ego is thick, it wants to survive. I want to purify. Someone said that I am special. How special is it to turn away from the emptiness of the world and want God. I think that is common sense. There is nothing here to make me happy. Men, relationships, all that led me down a dark and ugly road. I don't want that. I want the purity. The gold. I am going for the real Gold. The love of God is like nothing else. I want the best, the very highest, the only one who will never leave or abandon me. I just read my little sister's blog, Unchained Thoughts, she is a profound and deep writer. She is in love for her first time, as am I.

A letter from Tom in the Philippines

Hi C,

So much in your letter, it feels like a week long conversation. I know what you are going through, and it reminds me of sometimes in my past.

Once I was sitting in church with the family, Kathi and four small children. Hard to even imagine that now... Church??

The meeting was going on as they do, but inside me something was crawling and wanted out. Emotion, rage, confusion, tension, birth ?

I left the meeting and drove to the mountains, the only place I could think to go where there was no people, no noise. I climbed up a trail I knew at Horse tail falls, a treacherous climb that would discourage most. On reaching the top and surveying the surrounding Sierra Neveda mountains, I saw a hole under some boulders that looked safe, hidden and quiet. A natural womb of granite and dirt.

I curled into a embryo and listened to the ticking timebomb inside me. I had to either disarm it or... let it blow! As it turned out life was not ready to let me go quietly into release, as the sound of voices began to grow in my ears. Two hikers in full chit chat mode walk within 8 feet of me!!! I now know why a guy loads five guns and goes on a rampage.

Is there no peace to be had? How far must I go for simple silence?

There was just enough sanity left in me to leave the pin in the hand granade, although most everything else in me want to end it all. I prayed...

"What are you teaching me? What is this churning in my gut that feels like "Alien" the movie? Help me sort this out!!

I stayed for awhile, maybe hours, I don't know, but did find my way down the mountain with some peace restored. There was no clear answer to what was happening inside me, but it went away and I was able to go on.

As I sit here and think back, it comes to me now that my soul was getting ready for a jail break. A just as the birth process is both miserable and dangerous to a small child, it is the only way out!

Much followed that Sunday many years ago and it seems now like only one page in "War and Peace" the book of Tom.

Clarity, you show many signs of being birthed or... making your own jail break. Keep watching the insanity that surrounds you and feel the beast in your belly that wont rest until liberation is certain. I also know that these events in your life are part of a much bigger picture, a picture you drew up ages ago. And weather you like it or not... it is all perfect! Maybe not from the ego mind which is wired toward separation and thus... drama. Yes, everything is OK, just keep believing that while you move from "adult child" to "adult adult", a process of taking full responsibility for your life, living in full integrity, and being present in the moment, only... always!

Are you ready for awe? I have a gift for you. Go to "Vimeo" and search for "ashes and snow https://vimeo.com/29498902 a video that still has me entranced. Animals and humans living the higher order, the natural order. There is a 45 minute full version I found on "kick as torrents." Watching this will not make your process go away, but it may remind you that there are awake people walking the planet and living an example of "wholeness".

Loves.

No expectations

No expectation. No expectation. No expectation. No expectation.

Being present with this moment with no expectation will allow me to write, to create to free flow unexpectedly, with no result in mind. The non-attachment allows for the creativity to flow without the constriction of I, me, mine. Master (Yogananda) is the one inspiring me, flowing through me and inspiring my writing.

Whenever I get set on something I want to do, like doing the energization exercises for example. I am energizing so I can energize, to have the result of more alertness and energy afterwards. But half way through the exercises, I want to quit. It’s being in the moment of energizing that is enjoyable, not wanting to be somewhere else. When the energizing really counts is in the moments, not just doing it mechanically. Joy comes from being in the moment…something I have not practiced much this life. I see my fear of being fully present here in my body, my heart has been closed. Fear of being present means fear of being present to all sensations including pleasure, pain, loss and gain. 

I am learning from my Buddhist friend to accept the pain, the suffering, the joy and not try to make it go away or change it. The great part about this practice is you can be going through complete agonizing physical, emotional or spiritual pain and you just continue to go on. You just do. Because you know that underneath it all, you are loved, you are pure joy and you are untouched. Your soul is perfect and God has never left you. Find something that drives you forward or someone and stick with it, stay with your goal.  

I feel like I am being given a new mature way of looking at life. This view-point comes from the yogic philosophy called Raja Yoga. This path makes me a responsible co-creator in life rather than a victim or sitting on the side line.

Love has been spontaneously welling up in great spasms and bursts, the love I am feeling for people here is overwhelming. Immediately the ego seeks to have a form, or vessel to direct this love. This happened when I first came to Laurelwood. I began to have a major heart opening experiences, where so much love and divine mother energy would pour through me I would literally feel high. I had a new best friend here at the time and all that love and energy just poured through me into him. I wanted the very best and highest for his healing and soul evolution and recognized him deeply as a soul friend but found it hard not to personalize my love for him. I probably don’t have to tell you how the situation ended up, but you can imagine. What goes up must come down and it did, boy did I go down. Bu I am getting a second shot at it.

This time, last night and this morning, I went deep into meditation. I mean deep. Last night we had a late night kirtan down in expansion hall and I was so high walking out of there, I felt like I was barely holding myself up. My love was just pouring out to divine mother as I told her over and over again: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I am being given a new opportunity, another chance to be re-born, to fully live life. And to become fully human.

Last night I read something about us humans, fully accepting being in our body. Being here in our body and fully experiencing everything that comes to us. Taking it as an opportunity to grow and to ask the universe what it is teaching us in this moment, moment by moment. As I mentioned earlier, I never wanted to really be fully present. It translated into not ever really wanting to be alive. Life was a burden, something to be endured. I prayed many times before to leave. In fact, I was given the opportunity to go once. 

This was the first but not the only experience I have had with death or wanting to die. From a yogic standpoint, I witness how desperately I have wanted to kill the ego. Kill my ego.  It sounds violent … and it is. It has been. I have made it that way. I don't know any other way. Death is not easy, unless we let go. The process has been an agonizing journey. But I have absolute faith and confidence that there is nothing more.

My second experience with death, well... that experience I will share another time. Thanks for staying up with me. I love you always in God.

Late night realizations

It is our responsibility to be the best we can be... not for ourselves...but for others.
Everyday asks of us to be our own personal best. What we can offer when we are at our cutting edge can affect people in profound ways that we can't know but sometimes get a glimpse of.
Saying yes, and getting up each morning, is a big start.

Cloudy and overcast with a chance of...

My emotional weather is cloudy and overcast with occasional breaks of sunshine.
I am moving from grey, winter, snowy days to lighter brighter promises of Spring.
I am holding inner sunshine in the darkest hours.
It can't get much worse so it's really not that bad.
I am becoming something new. In nine months, it will be unveiled.
I am re-birthing.
I am becoming something, someone, something.
I am nothing, no-one, no thing.
Disappearing the ego, killing the ego is what I felt this morning in meditation.
I have been attempting to kill the ego.
It sounds violent - it is.
Maybe the pain I have been experiencing is from that which I am trying to do?
Does the ego need to die?
I ask for it. I pray for it. Purify me. Completely and utterly.
and then I cry. Why is this happening to me?
Who is crying? Who is sad.
Mind is sad. Ego is hurt, offended, defensive. It sucks.
Let myself feel what I feel, feels nice, feels good. It goes away.
I am open and raw, completely unveiled and disarmed.
No one can hurt me anymore. I have complete responsibility for what is.
I have control over my emotional weather.
Whether it is sunny and clear or cloudy and overcast.
No one can control or manipulate my emotional weather.
I must keep my weather clear, clean and healthy.
My meditation was deep this morning. Deep like an endless crystal clear pool, washing me
and opening it's gorgeous, cleansing, white curtains of peace.
I was engulfed. It's all over. There is nothing else, nothing more or better.
All the pain, all the hurt from the past. That is my blessing. That is who I am
and how I have become cleansed. That pain was the blessing.
I am ready to close my eyes and finally open them.
I am in the process of letting go.
Forgivness is washing over me and giving me permission to start over.
When someone apologizes, it;s all over. We must forgive.
If not, we make a choice to keep on hurting.
What about when they don't apologize.
We can still forgive, ourselves, them. We can free ourselves.
The mood, the weather is there but I am allowing it to just settle,
like a cloud and maybe it will blow away before I go to bed.