heart explosion

Heart opening doesn't have to mean falling over and not being able to get up or function.It has a whole new meaning for me.I have been really afraid to let my heart open wide for so many reasons. Mostly from a hard experience I had when my heart majorly opened at 24, I was so high in bliss I lost my job and could barely do anything more than walk the seawall for hours at a time . But my heart is open and it doesn't entail having to hug everyone I meet or become stagnant because I am too scared to go outside. I am trying something new this time. I am giving my love to self. I am directing it back inwards rather than out.

I was waiting for something to happen, waiting for God to do something through me but it involves me taking action. God gave us free will as a gift and we must learn to act, to allow him to act through us.
I listen to this uplifting music and I feel my heart is open wide. The world flows on around me, but I am present to what I am doing.I don't have to absorb people's energy anymore. I can choose where my boundaries begin and end and I don't have to let others moods determine how my life goes.

It is so easy to just give in and get a job, so much easier to just follow the well worn path.
But I am not interrested in following an already created path. I am a trail blazer, a light bearer and a way shower. I am an Indigo.

The more I awake to who I really am the more I see about the complexity of this drama. Most of life's areas that stop us are created by our limiting beliefs and negative self talk. We can create a whole story out of one look from somebody. Imagine if we just focused inwards and were not affected but what others around us thought or how they react. Imagine if we were just us, like when we were a kid. Imagine how liberated we would feel.

I know I have to take action now. There is just no way around it anymore. I have so many amazing options and I want to do them all. I am open, clear and focused, I am being guided now. I see that I have been going through major purification so my actions become easy because it becomes a natural flow from just being in a space of love. I am done with the days of acting from the ego, acting simply for self gain. That is emptiness for me. I want to be filled with the love and joy of life and feel the liberation of being an uninterrupted channel in this divine drama.

I am in love, once again

Breakthrough from breakdown

I am declaring a breakdown. I have had a constant feeling of being unfulfilled and unsatisfied. I have had a longing for years to have, to possess, things, an end goal, the perfect relationship, money, and success. I have not been present. I have not been enjoying the journey. I have been so focused on acheiving, that it takes me out of the present moment and I am constantly looking ahead to when I can be happy. When I have everything, then I can be happy. It has taken me out of being present with the amazing people, places and events that have been so beautifully presented into my life.

I have been holding back moving forward in career because of the commitment issue. Is that what I truly want? I am scared to work hard for what I want and then find at the end of the tunnel that I will be unfulfilled like every other time. Every goal I have ever set my mind to, I have acheived. Everytime I get focused on something I can draw all the money, help and situations to get to the end goal. The problem is I am so focused on the goal that I have pushed myself and others so hard and the journey was not enjoyed. I got lost in the process of wanting the end result. This always left me with a feeling of un-satisfaction or sadness when I would finally acheive the goal. There was always a deep sadness after accomplishing and I never knew why. Usually my pursuits involved something that would give me more of something; more money, more fame, more skills. But never just doing something because I just loved doing it. The past endeavours I took on, I was not enjoying the process of what I was doing. I was seeking a tangible result, fortune, fame. With EA I wasn't enjoying what I was doing, I was totally focused on when the business would be profitable but I wasn't really passionate about what I was doing to get there.

I like to start things but I don't like to do the work. I am a good director and board member. Not really the day to day operations because I don't like having a "job". I am declaring a breakdown because I don't think I've ever really considered doing what I love or pursuing a career following my talents and creative pursuits. I didn't feel worthy or good enough to do that. I keep myself separate from others because I am strong and I can be there for them but nobody can be there for me. I don't need friends. Once again, because I am getting to a goal and friends is not necessary plus I would rather do things by myself, on my own time. I have gone from relationship to relationship but end up feeling un-satisfied because I still don't know how to love myself or allow myself to relax and enjoy life. Maybe it's time for me to slow down and practice patience. At first the love sustains and fulfills me but then as things settle down and the magic wears off, I go back to feeling unfulfilled because I feel unfulfilled in myself. I have never felt good enough about myself. Like I am below people, not even up to the same levels as them. Because I grew up poor and people at my elementary school made my family feel like we were worth less. They never included us and they spoke badly about us, it made me feel low. I stole money from my father's wallet when I was young, I got caught and then he scolded me. I was traumatized because he wasn't ever giving me money and all I wanted to do was buy lunch and I couldn't understand why he couldn't afford to give me money. So I decided to get money myself the only way I knew how and from the only place I knew it came from, dad's wallet. When he scolded me I felt bad, like I wasn't any good and not worth anything. I decided I was bad and dishonest, not deserving of good things.  I am declaring a breakdown because I realize I have been torturing myself for 15 years, not allowing myself to receive anything good because of what I did as a twelve year old child.


I have come to a cross roads where these beliefs are no longer serving me, I am feeling stuck and like I have been on a merry go round repeating the same thing over and over. I want off the ride, I want to be me again. I want to feel pure and happy like I did when I was three, in my father's arms riding the ferry out of town, the August sun warming my skin. I intend to be present with life and to enjoy it's moments and seconds. I intend to have close and authentic relationships with people and let them know who I really am. I have been afraid to let people get to know me because then they would discover that I'm actually below them, they would find out that I was poor and no good. I am stating that I am a perfect and beautiful woman and a divine child of God. I am intending that my life is lived fully and powerfully and that I have the power to move forward in all that I do, now. I am intending a powerful career in which the actions I  daily take are actions I am excited about and love to share. I am intending that money flows because I love what I do and live from my heart space. I am intending that I love myself and forgive myself for the past. I am intending to clean up my past relationships with others so I can move forward authentically. I am creating that nothing is holding me back and that I have all the tools right now for everything I desire to co-create in life. I am creating that I already have everything and that my life is safe and secure.


Om, Peace, Amen

LSD Research 1950's housewife

crystal clarity

The morning after the call, I started to have some intense emotional reactions. It started first with headaches, then the next morning, spontaneous healing sounds, as well as convulsions of my body. I could feel very deep emotional things trying to leave my body. Tonight I experienced the deepest Inner Dance experience and maybe one of the most profound experiences and healings of my life, alone in a room, laying on my back.
I have been contacted by beings of light, many of them, they seem to be blue and they are star people. 
They are our family, the family of light and they shared many messages with me spontaneously, realization after realization sped through my mind, it felt like hundreds in just minutes, intuitively and in flashes of light. 
Being in our power, is being in our hearts, is being in the heart of God. 
I received deep and spontaneous healings of pain that I have been carrying around my whole life and maybe longer. I would like to share with you some of the things they shared with me. 


They told me:
My name is White eagle Woman.
We are from the stars, we are supported and surrounded by our star family.
We don’t have to worry about others or the perceived suffering they are going through. Their souls are taken care of and they are happy.
We never have to worry about being taken care of when we are taking care of others. 
We never have to worry about money, ever again.
If we tune into our hearts and stay in that center, all the money and everything else we need will be taken care of. 
Spirit takes care of those who take care of his children and creation.
We never have to worry about our actions hurting other people when we are in our heart center, what is best for us, is always best for everyone when we are in attunment. Especially when we are shinning, it unconsciously uplifts and elevates them as well.
When we shine light into our bodies everyone on the planet is uplifting just from us being on that higher frequency.
All of our pain can be dissolved instantly by shedding on it light and love
All the power we seek is waiting for us right inside our own hearts. We cannot access the true power through our minds.
Blue beings of light guiding us.
Trust our emotions and where they lead us. Allow our dramas to play out and send them to light, be done with them.
When we are willing to surrender everything, everything will be returned back to us in a more beautiful way than we can ever imagine
When you make other`s goals and dreams become just as or more important than your own, you will be blessed beyond imagination and so will they.
There is always a solution there for every perceived problem, just tuning in and getting the personal attachment out of the way removes the problems instantly
We should surrender all to the higher power, let spirit take us over, we have nothing to fear
We are never alone, we have more support around us than we can even imagine
The higher power will sustain us in every endeavour
Trust what is happening, the mind will try and convince you otherwise
Go with the first initial feeling and hang on to it
Do not worry about others or for them, they are being sustained in every way, just as you are
The planet has much suffering but it is just the play of God, let it happen, do not be deceived by what you are perceiving to seem, there is a divine plan.

why

Why is it that the decisions we need to make can feel so difficult?

I've been so conflicted lately between what I want, what I feel, and what I think I should be doing.

I'm so tired of my mind to be honest. Part of me wants to leave to go to the country and live in community, the other part wants to be here and create a successful business around what I love to do, and then the other part wants to do the business just to get to the community. Does this make any sense?

There's a stain on the carpet in my living room, I clean it and it just keeps re-appearing.
The more barriers I break down, it seems  there is something more there, just a little deeper than the last thing.

Doing what we should can feel a  task because none of us likes rules, especially my generation. But by doing what we should maybe we will finally find the happiness we have been seeking. By should, I mean surrendering, flowing, following the heart and letting it flow, let it go.

I sat up late this weekend with my friend Alaya, we had a bit of herbal medicine and went into some deeply rooted issues. It seems many of us are becoming extremely sensitive to this society, especially the deeper we go into ceremony and self exploration. This city living can appear as quite the struggle. This is only one side of the coin and I suppose there needs to be an outer catalyst to push us back inside. It feels like there is a really strong call right now to become whole, inside our selves as individuals connecting to  to the one source which flows though every cell of our being.

I feel like my biggest obstacle lately is thinking I know. If I know everything, how can I learn anything. I have been experiencing some very significant shifts between heart and mind. I feel I am being shown how painful it is to remain living from the mind.

I want to be honest and I don't think I can speak from my mind because it really gets me nowhere.
When I am in my heart I feel like a little girl again. When I am in a safe space with people I love, my heart is wide open and I am in love. What about the rest of the time when I am walking around in the city?

I feel sad, I miss J. He is the one thing I felt sure of. I guess God wants me to let go of all attachment and expectation. When I am still, I can honestly say that God has never failed me. Every time I have broken down because I felt he was taking something special from me, he has always had a bigger plan in mind.

Everything has always worked out, usually better than I could ever plan. Sometimes trusting can feel like such a hard thing. Like how could I possibly take this step when I have no idea what the outcome is going to be and what if I totally mess everything up? But maybe trusting is really the key to happiness. To embrace life, rather than suffer the resistance to what life is bringing us. To let go.

Where are you headed

You Choose

birth as we know it

letting go

I feel the shift. I feel I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be.
This is the shift, I am seeing myself, my beauty for the first time. I am taking the blinders off
and I am letting go of the hurts from the past.

I sat with my mom this morning and I told her how much it hurt me to feel unsupported by her
on my graduation day when she wasn't there. I let her know how low it made me feel about myself when I was thrown in jail and left there over night by her. I let her know how much pain it made me feel about my self worth in life. I bawled and bawled as I told her. As I told her I watched the lines around her eyes crinkle as tears poured down her face. My heart broke open as I saw how much her heart had hurt from hurting me. How sad her life had been from struggling with the hurt and pain she had caused others and experienced herself. The compassion flowed from my heart as she explained how deeply sad and confused she had been at that time. How my father had called her names and put her down and how low she felt. How sad it was for her carrying on the extreme disciplinary tactics her parents had inflicted on her and how she had no other way to cope.

I told her how I had re-experienced my birth two days earlier and how painfully I had carried the experience with me up until this day. I asked her if I had been held upside down by my feet and she confirmed it. I cried as I told her how sensitive a being I was from the day I came into the world. She shared with me how she had wanted to have a water birth and my father and her had discussed it and how she became afraid when the time actually came.  She told me how she had wanted to home school me and keep me away from the normal system because she knew how special I was. I cried as I told her I wish she had. She explained to me how the aggressive anger of her father had caused her to believe she may have been consceived with that type of energy. I watch her face and saw the pain that her family line had ingrained in her and how the "dark spirits" as she called them had confused her and dragged her mind down. I listened openly to her for the first time in ten years as she told me about how I could change the family line by breaking the old patterns. As I listened I realized that all the things my mother had been afraid to do, I now had the strength and ooportunity to change. I do not have to continue on with this pattern of hurt and pain and in this intimate moment with my mother, I let the pain go. I saw how the only person being affected by my anger was me. The moment I felt forgiveness for my mother, I felt my heart open to greater awareness, true love and the realization that my relationships could now deepen from the the new space that had been created. I could not truly love because my heart was partially closed from the pain that I had so deeply lodged within my being.

All it took was the willingness to go through what needed to take place, free of anger and blame. The moment was ripe and the opportunity was presented. Many, many prayers had led up to that moment. Even just last night in the sweat lodge I prayed from healing and forgiveness with my mom. Prayers are heard.

I feel beautiful. I feel love for my mother and understanding for her situation. I feel the shift, I am letting go and I am filled with love.

In tears...again

I'm at school in the computer lab, in tears.
I can't even speak to my mother for more than five minutes without breaking down after.
I am seriously angry at this woman, I feel so much anger towards her. I feel like I hate her.
I feel so unsupported, like she has never been there for me on the most important days of my life.
I want to scream and cry right now because she is my mother, she brought me into this world.
She was there on the most important day of my life.
That is why my heart is in so much pain, she is my mother but she hurt me so badly.
She sent me to jail, she locked me in my room without a light when she knew I was afraid of the dark, she put me up in closet when I was bad, she threw my clothes into a creek, she didn't come down from her room on my graduation day and when I most needed comforting, she wasn't there.
I feel sad, I want to cry. I feel so much anger I can't imagine that I will ever be able to overcome this.

Last night my friend Cody and I did a healing session in my living room. We both knew some emotional stuff was coming up for us both. We lit some candles, put down yoga mats, burnt some sage and put on healing music. We just lay there on our backs, letting ourselves be. I prayed for surrender and for a release. I wanted someone to hold me, to hug and comfort me. The spirits were there, the angels, the fairies and devas and our guides, they were holding us. I sobbed and sobbed until I cried so much that I just fell asleep, right there on the floor. After I woke up and Cody left, the people downstairs started having sex really loud and it didn't even really bother me, though it really grossed me out. Anywho, my mother is at my home right now with my sister Christina. I wanted to avoid going there. I got agressive and upset at her on the phone when she refused my invitation to come to the sweat lodge with me. Once again I felt rejected, unsupported and unloved. I see how immature and unreasonable I am behaving with this one aspect of my life, where the other areas seem to flow so well. But I mean, how important is the relationship with our mother? She is the person who held us in her womb for nine months and the person that brought us into the world. She is the first and most important relationship to us as we enter this world. If that is messed up, then it seems very hard to be whole. I feel like I am dwindling between full realzation and utter hopelessness.

Last night as I lay on my back in the living room sobbing, I remembered my birth. I remember being picked up by my legs and hung upside down. I remember screaming as I was hit on the back or the bottom and I remember the coldness in which I, a perfect and delicate being, was being handled by hospital staff. I remember right away feeling that this is an unkind and an unsafe world and I was already hurt. Most of my life I have been attached to feeling hurt, to feeling pain. I haven't wanted it to go away because it has been my crutch for not really having to try. I have been afraid and I have been hurt and I want to let it go. I see how I am the only person holding me back and most of it is happening in my mind. There is very little outwardly stopping me from acheiving all my hopes and dreams.  When is this struggle ever going to end, when will I wake up and feel whole. When will I be able to hold my mother and honestly complete love her. Most importantly, when am I going to forgive myself and let the past go.

My personal experience and reply to Signs we are ascending

After reading over the awakening signs, I would like to add some similar and personal experiences.

I feel very high. A numbness or buzzing sensation in my entire spine that creates a heightened sense of awareness in mind. A greater expansion in my entire being, my mind feels high and expansive. My eyes feel heavy and there is a burning sensation at the top of my spine at the medulla oblongata.

I go to bed at reasonable hours and wake up feeling totally exhausted, almost like I have been working things out in my dreams all night. Some nights I meditate before bed, only sleep a few hours and awaken feeling energized and clear all day long. I have been waking up in the middle of the night without any cause. Sometimes I feel the need to sleep all day and I'm still tired after I do. From dicussions with others, the conclusion is listen to the body, it knows what it needs.

 I find myself struggling with the same problems that have been plaguing me for years. Sometimes I feel like crying but I get impatient with myself and continue to push through the day. When I listen to my emotions and I allow myself to cry, it takes me to a place of relief, clarity, lightness and calmness.

Many past memories, issues and pains are coming to the surface. Stuff from childhood, elementary school, little things that hurt me are presenting themselves and I am seeing why I am who I am based on the fears and beliefs I created out of these isolated events. I see how I have been holding myself back for years because of the beliefs of others and the fear of standing out. I see how my mind automatically wants to judge everyone and everything around me and sometimes I am conscious enough to seperate myself from those thoughts. When I am in my heart I see everyone around me as beautiful children and sometimes I want to cry when I see how innocent they are. It makes me feel how much God love us unconditionally, he so deeply loves us.

I am in love and it is so deep, so overwhelmingly flowing from me even though my partner is half way across the world. I see how God is helping me to let go of every last little bit I have been clinging to. Anyone or anything I have been clinging to, he is forcing me to greater surrender and dependence on him alone.

My love is expanding, my sexuality is raising up and that love is emanating in and all around me. My love for God is becoming like that of a lover, but also as a father and mother who are always by my side.

The consciousness is here. Enlightenment is here. It is now. Look at humanity over100 years. Watch a child now sitting at her computer surfing the net and ask her a question and tell me we are not an elightened humanity. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of darkness and unconsciousness which is prevalent on the planet. The point is there is a conscious shift we need to make from dark to light. Prayer is a good way to ask, to intend to be part of the shift and to let mother earth know you will move forward with her instead of against her. But this involves taking responsibility for our actions and acting for life, instead of against it. Once we start to wake up, we want to make better choices, it happens naturally. I can hardly throw out a plastic bag anymore. Something inside me is changing at an alarming rate. I feel that I am being overhauled, worked on, worked over and remodeled into something entirely new. It's incredibly painful and uncomfortable and there have been many days where I literally hid under the covers and not wanted to get out. The issues that are coming up are so deep and so scary, the thought of going into my heart and feeling them is incredibly daunting. Sometimes I feel that once I open up I may never be able to get out of the thick shit I have been storing up for who knows how long, or maybe not knowing how to deal with it.

Wanting to be in ceremony and around other spiritual people is prevelant and the idea of community, whatever that means, has been coming to mind. A lot of people are telling me that this new shift has to do with shifting away from doing things on our own. The new way is to join in harmony with others, to work together, to join as one heart, one mind.

Spontaneous bouts of joy and freedom is a large part of the awakening process. The peace and comfort of knowing that I am completely free from all pain, dillusion, confusion and sorrow. I am free in myself. My medicine is in my heart and my temple is wherever I go. Sitting for meditation in the morning is easy and even just a few moments focusing on my breath is bringing me to a place where I have felt that I am dancing in the stars.

I would love to hear about your experiences. Please share them as it helps us to relate to one another. We are all so busy and I am intending to take the time to experience what is happening here, together. Many people have shared with me similar experiences to what I have described and I always find it deeply inspiring to hear that I am not alone.

Signs you are ascending

I received this list from a spiritual teacher of mine which relates some corresponding
signs many of us may have been experiencing with the new shift in energy on the planet.
Can you relate to any of the following?

 

Changes you may be experiencing

1.    Sleep patterns change

2.    Crown chakra opening, causing itching, tingling, electrical
sensations on the top of your head

3.    Waves of emotion, crying, laughing... this is a release of blocked
emotions and can be coming from the heart chakra. Acknowledge and release
these blocks as they arise, you are cleaning things from your past.

4.    Old issues keep coming back and you feel lost. Don't over analyze
the issues that arise. Accept what comes then release it. This is cleansing
and you will find your way forward. You are never lost.

5.    Your body changes. Don't feel panic or upset if you lose or gain
weight. Your whole body and spirit is changing. This will settle down when
old issues are dealt with. Your vibration is rising as you surrender.

6.    Your senses have increased sensitivity. You may hear your name
called, voices and sounds. You may also begin to see sparkles of light,
shadows, lights, movements, auras around objects. Your five senses are
being fine tuned, your sixth sense is opening. The lights, shadows and voices are
those of spirit and your guides. Thank them but lay down grounds, you are
always in charge.

7.    You begin to view the whole world and all that it supports in a new
way, a new understanding. Be compassionate and loving to all things. You
are feeling what truly 'is'. Go with the flow. Trust.

8.    You desire to break free from old habits and restrictive patterns.
Do it! Release the old so you may be filled with the new. Set yourself free
and trust in love.

9.    Synchronicity increases. Synchronistic events increase as you are
being shown you are on the right path. Number sequences, meetings,
pictures, visions flow in your direction.  These coincidences have great meaning and
tie in with your thoughts.

And know that you are not alone in your awakening...

Past relations

I coulda been in tune wit ma self...but I was in tune wit somebody else.

boundaries

Boundaries can equal love. Love for ourself and others.
We sometimes feel that when we create a space or draw a line with others, that it may aggravate or hurt them and make them not feel love. Boundaries is love.
It sets up a space where when we feel good and happy in ourselves, nothing can penetrate our space or upset us. We can listen to people and hear what they are saying, but it does not mean we need to take on the pain of others, even if we are seemingly the cause.

All upsets always leads back to the center, back to us.

My head is throbbing and my heart is hurting right now. I am a sensitive being.
I absorb the pain, suffering and anger of others unconsciously because I am attached to what
they are saying or feeling, it triggers something in me. It hurts me because it makes me feel, "how dare they treat me that way." But if I am at the center of myself, it can only affect me if I resonate with what they are saying to me. If what they are telling me or yelling does not resonate, I have the choice to pick it up or leave it. Sometimes what people are going through, has nothing to do with us even if the situation may seem that way.

Why are we so afraid to be still and be with ourselves. Why is it a big mystery about who we are? Why don't we know ourselves? Do we love ourselves? Do we hold ourselves and tell ourselves that we are beautiful, perfect and doing a good job or do we wait for someone to tell us and what if they never do? It can leave us feeling unloved and unappreciated. But what if we took it upon ourselves to claim responsibility for how we felt and what our reality was. What if we can walk around always feeling full and always feeling like a prince or princess. Because in reality, we are God's and Goddess's.

I want to listen to others. I also want boundaries of what I will and will not accept in my reality.
So much of my energy has been tied up in the past, in the pain and the resentment and it has not left me much room to give back to myself. Why not let the blessings in, why not receive what I know I deserve?
I deserve better. I deserve good things, good people, love, happiness, abundance.

My boundaries need to start resonating from within me, so deeply that getting to a point of affirming my boundaries aloud is only an occasional thing. I should be affirming my boundaries to myself, inwardly and aloud. I am not willing to be a punching back and I am reclaiming my lost energies, tied up in other people to direct now back into my own life, to acheive the good I now accept. Setting our boundaries affirms to others that it is ok for them too to be powerful, clear and content in themselves. It may be tough at first and others will challenge these boundaries but stand firm and calm. When we stand up for what we need it does not conflict with others. We can't teach anybody this and if they don't have boundaries, you will be a good teacher just by your own inner example.

I truly love you unconditionally and I offer you that by setting my boundaries here and now.