letting go

I feel the shift. I feel I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be.
This is the shift, I am seeing myself, my beauty for the first time. I am taking the blinders off
and I am letting go of the hurts from the past.

I sat with my mom this morning and I told her how much it hurt me to feel unsupported by her
on my graduation day when she wasn't there. I let her know how low it made me feel about myself when I was thrown in jail and left there over night by her. I let her know how much pain it made me feel about my self worth in life. I bawled and bawled as I told her. As I told her I watched the lines around her eyes crinkle as tears poured down her face. My heart broke open as I saw how much her heart had hurt from hurting me. How sad her life had been from struggling with the hurt and pain she had caused others and experienced herself. The compassion flowed from my heart as she explained how deeply sad and confused she had been at that time. How my father had called her names and put her down and how low she felt. How sad it was for her carrying on the extreme disciplinary tactics her parents had inflicted on her and how she had no other way to cope.

I told her how I had re-experienced my birth two days earlier and how painfully I had carried the experience with me up until this day. I asked her if I had been held upside down by my feet and she confirmed it. I cried as I told her how sensitive a being I was from the day I came into the world. She shared with me how she had wanted to have a water birth and my father and her had discussed it and how she became afraid when the time actually came.  She told me how she had wanted to home school me and keep me away from the normal system because she knew how special I was. I cried as I told her I wish she had. She explained to me how the aggressive anger of her father had caused her to believe she may have been consceived with that type of energy. I watch her face and saw the pain that her family line had ingrained in her and how the "dark spirits" as she called them had confused her and dragged her mind down. I listened openly to her for the first time in ten years as she told me about how I could change the family line by breaking the old patterns. As I listened I realized that all the things my mother had been afraid to do, I now had the strength and ooportunity to change. I do not have to continue on with this pattern of hurt and pain and in this intimate moment with my mother, I let the pain go. I saw how the only person being affected by my anger was me. The moment I felt forgiveness for my mother, I felt my heart open to greater awareness, true love and the realization that my relationships could now deepen from the the new space that had been created. I could not truly love because my heart was partially closed from the pain that I had so deeply lodged within my being.

All it took was the willingness to go through what needed to take place, free of anger and blame. The moment was ripe and the opportunity was presented. Many, many prayers had led up to that moment. Even just last night in the sweat lodge I prayed from healing and forgiveness with my mom. Prayers are heard.

I feel beautiful. I feel love for my mother and understanding for her situation. I feel the shift, I am letting go and I am filled with love.