We can fly

I'm back... I'm really back. I have been gone, off somewhere, checked out for some time now. I was going through some major shit the past four years, I have been going through something major. I am coming back and the light is starting to shine through, I can feel it.

Today was some kind of breaking point, I'm on my monthly moon cycle and that is always an extremely sensitive but highly intuitive time for me. I do my best to make sure I have some quiet, alone time to tune into the messages. I was at physical, mental and emotional breaking point today and just felt strongly I needed to go out to nature. I needed to be alone with God and go into this energy I had been feeling all morning.

Early this morning, I had the most incredible dream. I woke up and walked down the third floor hallway to the end where there was a large wide open window. I stood at the window looking  at the pavement below and thought about jumping. I felt strongly that if I did, I could fly. My mind kicked in and told me not too, this might not be a dream maybe I wasn't asleep but sleep walking and I was really standing there. But something knew that it was a dream, I was lucid dreaming.

I jumped from the window and soared high over the countryside, gliding naturally as if it was the most natural thing for me to do. I felt so happy, so light, so myself. I spotted a couple walking together through a park area and I started to fly in circles around them. They saw me and watched and as I flew I realized they were seeing me as a bird. I was a bird. I kept flying enjoying every minute of this new found freedom. I finally got back to Laurelwood and flew in the door where a young man, 16-17 years old was standing in the hallway. He saw me fly in and followed me back outside, amazed to see I was hovering a few inches off the ground. I started to float higher, "you can fly too", I yelled out to him. Suddenly he started to fly too and side by side, we flew away.

I have been hiding behind a wall of fear...fear of others... fear of being hurt or judged... fear of not being accepted for who I truly am. I have been hiding  from communicating with others because I was afraid they would reject or unvalidate my feelings. I noticed today that I have been defensive and reactive when other people say something to me, rather than just hearing them out and letting it blow right over me, not taking everything so personally even if it is about me. I think I have a major fear of people trying to impose their will on me, lest it not be the right thing for me. All in all, I haven't trusted people. It's painful because God works through so many and how many times have I cut the flow off by only trusting myself? I believe this complex came from adults from the past, mis-use of their will on me. Partly my mother was very negative and irrational in her ways of disciplining me. I knew she was irrational since I came in to this world and being such a strong willed child, I simply came across as a know it all and a stubborn brat that needed harsh disciplining. She used to put me up in a closet when I was bad and because I was so little I had no possibility of getting down. Or she would lock me in my room and unscrew the light bulb so when it got dark, I couldn't turn it on. I would scream and wail with my face to floor, looking under the crack of the door just so I could see some light. It made me hate the dark and it made me afraid of the unknown, it made me not trust people.

I couldn't forgive her for what she had done to me and today, as I meditated in the middle of the forest, it all came up. I cried and wailed and I screamed at the top of my lungs, punching the ground and ripping out grass. How could she, how could she? And then, I felt ok. I don't hate my mom, I love her in fact but these things, they need clearing. Something really good is happening to me, the light is coming back. The light I had as a child is returning.

To be continued.....

Yoga lives here

I'm living in an abandoned building with 30 people, one hour South of Portland in the countryside of Oregon. We are living on 55 acres of land, the building we are currently living in is large enough to accomodate 500 or more people and there are 5 or 6 other buildings this same size on our property. Why am I doing this? Yoga. I am here because yoga lives here.
Every morning, our group rises together before the sun is up and we meditate. We stretch and prepare our bodies beforehand and then as a group, we say a prayer, asking the divine to bless our meditation. We spread out our multi colored blankets, meditation pillows or benches, malas, yoga mats, om boards and other yoga paraphernalia and for 2 hours, we invite the divine into our temples, and we commune. Where I go for those two hours every morning, I cannot even begin to explain. The only thing I can say is if you haven't tried meditation, you must. It is one of the most beautiful, deep and fulfilling things in my life. In fact, it is the most important thing in life. How can I start my day before thanking my creator. How can I possibly have any other priority before connecting with myself after my nightly seperation in deep sleep. Paramahansa Yogananda, the man who brought me to yoga, is my eternal teacher. Though his body is not physically on this plane, he is right here with me, in this abandoned building, in the city, in everything and everywhere I go. He is in my heart and mind, one day he will be more real than anything I can see, hear or touch.

We have a joke here at Ananda Laurelwood, the community I became part of as of March 28, 2012, that everyday here is like a week in the outside world. In growth physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, so much transpires here daily that it is almost insane to possibly conceive. I am growing here, I will say that much.

I love yoga. I started practicing it in a real way almost ten years ago now, when I was 18 years old. Life was empty, confusing and full of pain when I started to search out answers to what this world was all about. That's when the teachings started to come, when I started to ask the questions. That old saying, "the teacher comes when the student is ready", is true. I never say, "I found my guru", my guru in fact, found me. He loves me and I love him and trust him more deeply than anyone I have ever met in this life. It's a confusing relationship if you have no concept of surrendering your life fully to something outside of yourself. It involves giving up your self, your "self", the ego, in order to become something greater, in order to fully become your self. It's like chipping away at a block or removing the dirt from a stone to uncover a diamond underneath. I am a butterfly diamond, an angel of light. This is what we all are underneath the self definitions, blocks, ideas, likes, dislikes, we are all something golden and glowing. I am finally becoming more myself than I ever felt would be possible. I love where I live and where I am at in my life, it's all becoming so magical, so beautiful. I am free. I never felt in a million years that I could feel this light, this joyful, this peaceful. I never thought I could be happy because I thought life was just in itself, a sad thing and most of the time, I didn't even want to be here, I didn't want to be alive. I used to pray to leave and one time, I was allowed an experience that showed me life is a choice but more so, it is a gift. Life is a gift from God because he loves us and I am uncovering that gift more and more through my practice. I look forward to uncovering more and sharing more so please stay tuned.

With love
xox
Clarity

Garden of life

ohh, ohh my heart. My heart is wide and open. I have been afraid to make Ananda my community because, because I wanted to make it my own, I wanted to do it myself. When I got here there were all kinds of rules and structure and I was told I had a boss. Right away, something switched in me and I was like... this can't be my community.Today I saw that it felt like Jacob wanted to do this whole thing on his own. He wants to run the gardens, lead the sadhana, lead the projects, ring the bell and basically be the golden child. Did he once ask me about my experience with gardening? I told him I had worked for Devadasi and that I had read all 9 books of Anastasia. Did anyone think once to ask me about anything. I felt hurt, very hurt by this person who I was shown was the boss. This person who hadn't taken 5 seconds to ask me about myself although I had moved all the way from Vancouver to be here. I projected a lot on him because why was I hiding my shine? I was hiding my shine because I felt no room to shine my shine when hog shine was stealing all the shine. It's absurd right. How can the mind be so insane?

There are so many layers I can't begin to explain the depths of the insanity that takes place in the human ego. When I go into myself, into the spine and I am centered, all these things happening around me don't affect me. Maybe a big part of not feeling a part of this community, have to do with the fact that I do not have a partner. Everyone here basically is in relationship and they are set and moving forward in what they are doing. I don't yet know really what I am doing, here, in the world, in this community. I am looking and calling to find my place. Where do I fit in and why was I brought to Portland, Oregon? There is one thing for sure, I am feeling a lot of joy in the midst of the inward storm. I wanted to hide in my room this morning when the storm came up inside of me. SO I went to my room at lunch time, and went under my covers, the rain was coming down outside and I went to sleep. When I woke up I felt a lot better but I wanted to keep hiding. I'm in weird state I told myself, better stay in here, stay away from people right now. No, I decided, I would make myself useful and go downstairs and even though it wouldn't be perfect, I would give it my best to help out and get something accomplished. I made salad dressings and ghee (clarified butter) and helped out around the kitchen. By the end of the day, I was full of energy. I had gotten out of myself, out of my head and thank the Lord. God.

These days are long, but they are full. It doesn't have to look perfect I am realizing, just doing my best is the best I got. I held some fierce energy in today and really fought hard not to let it all spill out onto someone else's plate. I realized, when you are strong, other people have the opportunity to get weak around you. If you don't take it personally, you can just stand tall and be there for them. It sucks and it's hard. I am being trained. Having someone to confide in and talk to is so important. I really want/need Clarity but I am also seeing how this IS my name for a reason. These are really personal thoughts. How strange to be sharing them on a blog post.

Goodnight, sleep well.

Stepping stones to discovering my true nature

These days have seemed like weeks, on and on they go, packed with so much more than I could have ever imagined. Today I felt kind of ill, but it was more like a fever coming on. I said to my friend, "maybe it's kundalini sickness", he said, "maybe it's just the flu."

Who have I been all these years? Where have I been? When I'm with people, I'm not completely myself. I am disconnected from myself sometimes and God, I'm not being true to myself and I'm not being true to the people I'm with because I'm uncomfortable. Sometimes I can't wait to go and be alone, because then I can feel like myself again. I am either completely open and thus, totally susseptable to being hurt. The flipside is I am closed and not open to feeling the love that person has to offer. Then what fun is it, to be with people when I am closed, it's like constantly putting out energy but unable to receive back, it's exhausting.

We were over at a friends house today, helping make the grounds more beautiful and weeding the garden. I took a few minutes aside and went and sat under a  tree to meditate. I felt deep peace sitting under that tree in the shade, I felt God's prescence and I was back in my heart again. After a few minutes I got up and went to my friend to sugget maybe we all meditate outside together before dinner. It turned out it wasn't a good time and so I continued on. I ran into a friend/resident of the community and he asked some help to load up the truck. While we were loading he started to get frusterated with the way I was doing things and started to speak sharply to me. It was like a hammer in a china shop. I was delicate and he was breaking me with his words. I wanted to simply say, "gently, be gentle with your words", but instead I stayed silent. I am really starting to see how unfair it is to myself to constantly remain silent, I just hold it in, then the poison it eats at me, I digest it for others, but I can't always forgive. I took that poison and did my best to transmute it but part of me just felt angry, more at myself than him. Why do I let people get to me so much, it's not even about me, it's about them when they are experiencing something.

Today I gave a hug to my friend and when I hugged him, I opened my heart and I felt, I actually felt something. I was able to be open and receive the love that he is, to be present with him. How many times have I hung out with someone or gave someone a hug and totally just been in my head, barely there, barely able to feel what they are truly saying, instead waiting for what I will say next. In my mind, rather than my heart.  What I thought of myself, compared to actual reaity is starting to present itself. The things I thought about myself, the self image, I am discovering is not true, has not been based in reality. The things I thought other people thought of me are also untrue, and not based in facts. The things I have created in my mind need to be undone because they are negative and my goal now is to re-program my mind with positive feedback.

I discovered in the last few days many things about myself after a healing session a friend of mine did on me. Her healing modality is called Bodytalk and involves her innate wisdom, as she calls is, getting in touch with the wisdom inside myself.  This process pinpoints anyissues that need re-alignment, re-programming, like a re-set button. This is very hard to say but it what came up was that for many years I have suffered with depression. I always thought it was just normal to feel sad so much of the time. I mean what was there not to be sad about; there is the state of the world, loneliness, un-fullfillment, my search for truth, my perceived seperation from God. After really seriously breaking down and feeling the pain this has caused my life, I realized that this is something I DO WANT TO MOVE FORWARD from, it has to change.

I want to feel open to life, to people, to my friends. I want to forgive and I want to love again. I want to gve people another chance even though they aren't pefect and I want to accept the fact that neither am I, despite years of thinking otherwise. I intend to become the joyful and positive person I know I am and to really fully embrace that which I truly am. There is a mountain in front of me right now and today felt like how in the world will I ever climb this alone. But I am not alone, I am loved and the only way I can overcome this is to realize that I can not do this by myself, I need him.

Two steps forward, one back

I'm changing and then I'm just the same.

Last night I stayed up for 12 hours straight with a profound group of people, chanting and meditating. I'm sure you can imagine what 12 hours of chanting and calling on the divine will bring up? This morning I wanted so badly to go to the coast, to see the ocean, to spend some time relaxing and enjoying nature with my divine mother on mother's day. I put out the intention and literally within minutes, the divine answered through some friends who were on their way to Canon beach and offered me a ride.

I went home to eat lunch and start getting ready when I just sat and got really still. I looked around at the beauty of the mountains and valley surrounding me. "I am already on vacation", it told me, "it is beautiful right here, right now". Divine mother was right there with me in that moment and I felt her guidance that I could save a lot of time, energy and money just being happy right where I was. So I decided to take a mini vacation, right where I am and just enjoy being with God. Not to mention I am running on no sleep and was seeing blue sparkles this morning, it's probably best I stayed home and took it easy.

Sure, I would love to go to the coast and I will soon but today and tomorrow could be spent editing or working on some projects around here that need attending. I'm starting to feel this incompleteness when I'm not serving or giving, like I'm lost and am looking for thing to fill the void. This afternoon while I was preparing lunch for myself, it felt weird  making lunch just for myself. So I made Peggy, my 82 year-old friend, a raw lunch for mother's day. She was thrilled and since she's a raw foodist, she loved what I came up with and it made her and me feel good.

In the shower, I was reflecting a bit more and realized it's enough to know that divine mother heard my prayer and answered me and so quickly. I didn't need the actual gift, her reply was what my heart was truly seeking.

I had a big break through, again, while walking down the hall today. The reason I continued to have this nagging misery an depression in the Philippines was because I wasn't serving or using my energy. I started doing this blog religiously because I was absoultely going berserk with all the extra time I had. Funny right, it's what we are always seeking for, to just be done with one thing so we can have some time to ourselves. But how long do you imagine you could actually stay on vacation and maintain happiness. I will tell you because I did it. It was approx 2 weeks I was living on a tropical paradise before I wanted to start another business. Even though I had no financial worries or worldly obligations, I had my health, my meditation but the service was missing. Everyday I was looking to busy myself and fill myself with things to do but it wasn't enough, and I became more and more miserable inside and eventually out.  I need to make an impact.

Onto a new topic: I called my mom today, which I felt obgligated to do at the time since it's mother's day and all. Not that I don't love her, but I hadn't stopped to get into the real feeling of loving my mom and calling her from the place of appreciation for her bringing me into the world. I just called her mechanically with a time frame in mind of how long I wanted to talk. It was "me" giving "her" energy. Frankly, I felt exhausted after half an hour and all my creative juices seemed to be zapped. It was because the whole time I was focusing on "me" and how I was giving her energy, me as the giver instead of just letting that flow go through me and coming from  true place in my heart. Ok, so I'm on no sleep and it sounds so sad and mean but I realized what I was doing and I will not do it again. I love my mom. Sorry momma, I love you.

As I said two steps forward, one back.

The merging

This is an image I received when I was meditating several months ago. It explained to me what is going on right now with this huge planetary shift in energy and consciousness. What I understood from it is that the spiritual world and the material world are starting to merge, the veil is becoming thinner as we are becoming aware of the truth about who we are and why we are here.

We are all feeling things quickening as we are awakening to our own greater self expansion and greater reality. This will cause much shifting in relationships, create environmental changes and awakening in the physical, mental and emotional bodies.

I have come to learn that the best plan is to let go because it's a wild ride. The comforting thing is we are all in this together.

Please comment or e-mail me if you have been experiencing any of these types of feelings or changes.
 

Something finally shifted

So much shifted today. It’s like I’ m realizing how out there I went with the ayahusca journey. It really took me out of body and into another realm. It brought me back and forced me to re-examine my old self and the parts that don’t work are so uncomfortable. Yet it was almost as if I was trying to force the old pieces back onto myself, for fear of falling apart. I’m being faced with recreating the new me, or spirit rather is restructuring me, from the inside out. I am in an environment which is allowing me to do so. The fear is the sensitivity. Positivity is the biggest thing I am seeing right now as an absolute key to a joyful and successful life, always saying yes and seeing and holding myself, others and life in the highest state.

Planetary shift in consciousness

I just looked back through my entire identity on my Facebook photo albums. Seeing myself, I’m amazed. So many years, I felt unhappy, ugly, unworthy, poor, sad, unaccomplished. Looking at my photos I see a beautiful girl who has so much spirit, talent, potential, gifts, abundance. Why couldn’t you see that when you were there?  

I am starting to understand my name more clearly lately, why I was named Clarity. It describes me, my strength and my weakness. I am super clear, so clear that sometimes I absorb whatever or whoever is around me. It has left me feeling very lost much of my life and in a constant state of searching and unhappiness. I want to know who I am. I want to be solid in me, in ultimately God. I feel I am going through a period of extreme sped up growth right now and I think it is me and everybody else. The planet is shifting, the entire universe is shifting and oh boy, I am feeling it.

I really want to hide under my covers right now. I am growing so fast, letting go of so many old aspects of myself all at once, it is very uncomfortable, very raw. I realized last night how lonely I have been these past few months. When I am alone, I feel very alone, not like it’s me and God but it’s just me. And when I am with people, I am not alone, but when they leave, then I am all alone again. I feel like I really am being pushed to come to a place where I never feel alone, with or without someone around to go to. How helpful can I be to people if I can’t stand solid in my own shoes. If I am thrown off center by every idiot that walks in the room, what does that make me? An idiot.

Even writing on this blog lately feels awkward and uncomfortable because what I am experiencing internally really is such a deep process, it seems even beyond words. What I feel like is transformation. I am becoming something new. I am in my cocoon and it’s painful to come out right now and be exposed to the light of day.

I was told that the closer I move to the light, the stronger the darkness becomes. I am moving towards the light. There are aspects of myself opening up that I never dreamed imaginable, like getting up at 5:30am for example to meditate and do yoga. That’s a big one. .

Fear is the only thing paralyzing my actions, me is the biggest obstacle in my success. Holy shit! Me is my biggest obstacle to my success, that’s crazy.

Part of me knows that I will become the person I have always known myself to be, but I never ever could have imagined the battle it takes to become Clarity. I am missing certain aspects of my old life right now, but I know it’s all within my mind. Where I am at is beautiful and it’s all perfect. Maybe I just need a nap.

Sharing my experience with Spiritual Community

I’m going to suggest that the schedule at Laurelwood is insane and unbalanced and that it is in fact that way, for a reason. I am borderline loosing it, finding it, dying, crying, blissing out, passing out. This place is insane.

If I don’t follow the schedule here of 5:45am sadhana wake up, I am way out of the flow and the entire day of running around in physical service is borderline impossible. When I do wake up on time, I am exhausted and want to sleep longer because I’ve stayed up till 12 or 1am just so I can have some down time to get things done.

When I don’t meditate before going to bed, my sleep is restless and I wake up tired and groggy. When I do meditate before bed, it takes up my free time and I am resistant because the night hours are my only free time to read, write, draw and work on financial things, like figuring out ways to stay here.

 It’s crazy because I want to watch a movie but as soon as I get out of the flow here, I am out of the flow and everything seems impossible. I told myself that by May 1^st I would get into the flow of things and really be on top of it. Remembering in the shower, why I am actually here: to learn to live harmoniously with people and be a leader within spiritual community. I am a student and this is my training and the more I remember that, the more I can stay focused, on track with a goal. But is life a goal or is life embracing what is before me. Is my close friend here a distraction, or is he life, presenting itself to me?

Am I resisting for fear or am I discovering what it really takes to be strong and be a yogini. To be celibate is no easy task and no one ever explained to me what it entailed and how very hard it actually is. To keep all the energy in and direct it into other things, like creative tasks, meditation, exercise, etc. Fuck. That is what I want to say right now but instead I chant “Om gum ganapatayei namaha”, the mantra to the God Ganesh, remover of obstacles. I was told by Jeffrey Armstrong, my close friend, teacher and Vedic Astrologer that to chant this mantra when things get to heated in life will clear the way. Just give it all up to God at the end of the day is a huge lesson I am needing to learn. To do work, intensely, focused, with care, attention and detail and then at the end of the day just let it go. Simple, easy, no problem, right? Wrong. It is one of the hardest things to do. That and loving someone but not being attached to them? Man, is God really tough on us to do that?  To love people, but not be attached to them.

This blog and my writing is the only thing that keeps me sane. I’m really wondering if all the dreams I want to manifest will come true or if there is a completely different plan for my life. I seem to have always had this idea of the way life was going to be or how it should look. Sometimes it is a hell of a lot harder but usually after I get through that, my life is blessed in ways I could never even have imagined for myself.

I have to let go now, it’s obvious or I am just going to continue to suffer. Dammit, my head is so itchy. Seriously, having a shower and flossing here is like a luxury, can you bellied dat? Ok, enough of that, I have 1 hour until bed time and I have to use it wisely. G’night. xox