I’m going to suggest that the schedule at Laurelwood is
insane and unbalanced and that it is in fact that way, for a reason. I am
borderline loosing it, finding it, dying, crying, blissing out, passing out.
This place is insane.
If I don’t follow the schedule here of 5:45am sadhana
wake up, I am way out of the flow and the entire day of running around in
physical service is borderline impossible. When I do wake up on time, I am exhausted
and want to sleep longer because I’ve stayed up till 12 or 1am just so I can
have some down time to get things done.
When I don’t meditate before going to
bed, my sleep is restless and I wake up tired and groggy. When I do meditate
before bed, it takes up my free time and I am resistant because the night hours
are my only free time to read, write, draw and work on financial things, like
figuring out ways to stay here.
It’s crazy because I want to watch a movie but
as soon as I get out of the flow here, I am out of the flow and everything seems
impossible. I told myself that by May 1st I would get into the flow
of things and really be on top of it. Remembering in the shower, why I am
actually here: to learn to live harmoniously with people and be a leader within spiritual community. I am
a student and this is my training and the more I remember that, the more I can
stay focused, on track with a goal. But is life a goal or is life embracing
what is before me. Is my close friend here a distraction, or is he life,
presenting itself to me?
Am I resisting for fear or am I discovering what it
really takes to be strong and be a yogini. To be celibate is no easy task and
no one ever explained to me what it entailed and how very hard it actually is.
To keep all the energy in and direct it into other things, like creative tasks,
meditation, exercise, etc. Fuck. That is what I want to say right now but
instead I chant “Om gum ganapatayei namaha”, the mantra to the God Ganesh,
remover of obstacles. I was told by Jeffrey Armstrong, my close friend, teacher
and Vedic Astrologer that to chant this mantra when things get to heated in
life will clear the way. Just give it all up to God at the end of the day is a
huge lesson I am needing to learn. To do work, intensely, focused, with care,
attention and detail and then at the end of the day just let it go. Simple,
easy, no problem, right? Wrong. It is one of the hardest things to do. That and
loving someone but not being attached to them? Man, is God really tough on us
to do that? To love people, but not be
attached to them.
This blog and my writing is the only thing that keeps me
sane. I’m really wondering if all the dreams I want to manifest will come true
or if there is a completely different plan for my life. I seem to have always
had this idea of the way life was going to be or how it should look. Sometimes it
is a hell of a lot harder but usually after I get through that, my life is
blessed in ways I could never even have imagined for myself.
I have to
let go now, it’s obvious or I am just going to continue to suffer. Dammit, my
head is so itchy. Seriously, having a shower and flossing here is like a
luxury, can you bellied dat? Ok, enough of that, I have 1 hour until bed time
and I have to use it wisely. G’night. xox
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