Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
butterfly wings
I don't write on here much anymore. I guess it's hard for me to see the point sometimes. I used to think everything I was going through was so profound and it is, in a sense and in another sense, I just gotta get stuff done now. For years I let the fact that I felt disabled, emotionally mostly, stop me from moving forward in life. It stopped me from just doing what I wanted to do. The fact that my mother emotionally scarred me and I had a shitty birth experience, that has stopped me from living the way I want to live now. Growing up poor and never having anything, has stopped me from following my dreams. Fear of failure, anger from having my heart broken, unforgiveness, fatigue. All these dark experiences as a part of the human condition and consciousness, the darker side of life all is purifying, being transmuted, like alchemy into gold.
I had an insight in meditation this morning. I am a butterfly in a cocoon, not yet free. I am struggling to push free and my wings are frail and weak. It hurts, it burns and I ask for the pain to stop. But it is necessary, it is building my wings...so I can fly!!!! I can fly. The pain is necessary, I can't ask it to stop. I must endure. I want to be gentle on myself, stop hating on what I am. So what, I am not yet a butterfly fully. I will be soon. It will come, for all of us.
I had an insight in meditation this morning. I am a butterfly in a cocoon, not yet free. I am struggling to push free and my wings are frail and weak. It hurts, it burns and I ask for the pain to stop. But it is necessary, it is building my wings...so I can fly!!!! I can fly. The pain is necessary, I can't ask it to stop. I must endure. I want to be gentle on myself, stop hating on what I am. So what, I am not yet a butterfly fully. I will be soon. It will come, for all of us.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
To all those I know and love
Thank you for sticking by me all these years, months, days... you know who you are. It's been a rough 28 years searching for myself, wanting so desperately to know who I am. I remember asking my dad the first time when I was 13, "why am I here, what is this all about?" He didn't know and couldn't tell me the answer because he was still searching himself.
I will tell you right now that the absolute most worthwhile goal of life is to ask yourself, "what is life" and "who am I"?
I was so unhappy for so many years, not feeling like I could just go on with the game without knowing more about what the game was all about and why was I even playing it? It's 7am and I just got back from an all night Chant for Peace at a Buddhist temple 2 hours outside of Portland, Oregon. We chanted, prayed and called God's name in many ways from many denominations, but it all felt the same. I just want to tell all of you that I love you, from the bottom of my soul. I know I haven't always been easy to deal with and that I can be pretty intense. It's because I just can't imagine just walking around asleep, I am impatient and I want to be fully alive and present NOW. Thanks for loving me and being my friend despite my silly ego. I see you and recognize you now and I am grateful to have you in my life.
There is an intensity and a fanaticism in my quest to wake up and I recognize that. I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't fully know myself, it was like I was sick and couldn't go on with life until I was well.
For so many years I denied myself any and even the smallest of desires. Cookies, muffins, bread, sugar, none of that was allowed. The idea of wanting a family, to be a mother, to have a harmonious and loving family seemed like the ultimate desire that I had to beat back with a stick. I was attempting to not accept and shun life but pretending it wasn't there. My perspective is switching, has switched recently. I have been told by spirit, to be more gentle on myself. Things arise and life presents challenges, I make mistakes and things sometimes don't go as planned, but it is only me who makes it hard on myself. I have the choice how I handle what life gives me. I have felt a shift where I can finally see clearly that all my desires have taken me somewhere. Not only somewhere, but somewhere great. A few years back, I had a desire to take a college graphic design course, not knowing where it would lead. Now, here I am at Laurelwood, designing loads upon loads of promotional materials, merchandise, advertisements, etc for such a worthy cause. I had a desire to take a business course, which, from my judgement, was a worldly thing to want. But now I know how to promote and manage and here I am promoting a spiritual event. The thing is, the more I am getting to see this new perspective on life, the more I am seeing how everything that has happened to me was perfect to get me to be who I am today. The story I choose to hang onto is my choice. I will elaborate more later, I haven't slept in 24 hours and I am quickly fading. I'm going to energize and meditate and hopefully, I will see you later.
Love,
Clarity
I will tell you right now that the absolute most worthwhile goal of life is to ask yourself, "what is life" and "who am I"?
I was so unhappy for so many years, not feeling like I could just go on with the game without knowing more about what the game was all about and why was I even playing it? It's 7am and I just got back from an all night Chant for Peace at a Buddhist temple 2 hours outside of Portland, Oregon. We chanted, prayed and called God's name in many ways from many denominations, but it all felt the same. I just want to tell all of you that I love you, from the bottom of my soul. I know I haven't always been easy to deal with and that I can be pretty intense. It's because I just can't imagine just walking around asleep, I am impatient and I want to be fully alive and present NOW. Thanks for loving me and being my friend despite my silly ego. I see you and recognize you now and I am grateful to have you in my life.
There is an intensity and a fanaticism in my quest to wake up and I recognize that. I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't fully know myself, it was like I was sick and couldn't go on with life until I was well.
For so many years I denied myself any and even the smallest of desires. Cookies, muffins, bread, sugar, none of that was allowed. The idea of wanting a family, to be a mother, to have a harmonious and loving family seemed like the ultimate desire that I had to beat back with a stick. I was attempting to not accept and shun life but pretending it wasn't there. My perspective is switching, has switched recently. I have been told by spirit, to be more gentle on myself. Things arise and life presents challenges, I make mistakes and things sometimes don't go as planned, but it is only me who makes it hard on myself. I have the choice how I handle what life gives me. I have felt a shift where I can finally see clearly that all my desires have taken me somewhere. Not only somewhere, but somewhere great. A few years back, I had a desire to take a college graphic design course, not knowing where it would lead. Now, here I am at Laurelwood, designing loads upon loads of promotional materials, merchandise, advertisements, etc for such a worthy cause. I had a desire to take a business course, which, from my judgement, was a worldly thing to want. But now I know how to promote and manage and here I am promoting a spiritual event. The thing is, the more I am getting to see this new perspective on life, the more I am seeing how everything that has happened to me was perfect to get me to be who I am today. The story I choose to hang onto is my choice. I will elaborate more later, I haven't slept in 24 hours and I am quickly fading. I'm going to energize and meditate and hopefully, I will see you later.
Love,
Clarity
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Divine Mother Speak to Me
Today I said, "Divine mother, speak to me." And so she did.
"I want to hear you open up." And so she did.
I was in the dish room, she came in and said, "That was just such a lovely meal, all that peeling and chopping that you did. Thank you."
I heard her whisper to me, "Make grilled cheese sandwiches and fruit salad for dinner, that will make the people happy". So I did.
She spoke to me today, over and over again. She came to me and told me many things.
I told her about how the full moon last night, drew poison out of me, in the form of my emotions. The darkness became exposed and it was painful and stung like arrows. She told me today, "As sensitive as you are to the darkness and the negativity, you can become equally as sensitive to the light". She walked away and I told her, "You are a good brother" because that was how she came to me in that moment.
Speak to me I told her as I fervently washed the dishes, speak to me, I am open to hearing you.
She called me on the phone and told me, "Thank you for spending time with Mary yesterday, she had so much fun with you and how you let her drive the golf cart. She is shy sometimes but she really had fun with you." Divine mother made me feel good about having fun while I was working.
Speak to me divine mother speak to me.
She told me to write this blog, she asked me to write a college scholarship application, she woke me up this morning to do yoga. She is inside of me and you. She was the full moon last night, drawing me up the hill to sit and bask in her moonlit night. She is the love that pours through my dear friend, she is the discipline that pours through him too. She is with me when I go to my room at night alone and sit on my bed and think of her. She is in the music in my headphones when I lay down with my crystals and drift into sleep. She plans things for my life and when I let go and let her do things, they turn out beautiful and they are easy.
She is the soft voice of community dining in the dinner hall. And today she told me, "why have two enemies when you can have two friends." So I stopped judging them and I started appreciating and loving them. I started to see them as my family. I love my family and I don't judge them, I accept them and hear them. These people are becoming my family.
I dreamed last night and she showed me, I was holding onto the past. A figment of my imagination, something that once existed but was no longer real. She told me I could eat gluten again, and potato chips and sometimes a cookie. And it was fine, I didn't die and it was fun.
I don't care anymore, I don't need to worry about myself and what will happen because every time I let go and I love a little bit more, life is beautiful again. In this beautiful space that I have created from choice, from choosing positivity and light, she can come, she can enter.
I was crying outside on the grass this morning. Life felt very painful and my heart was overcome with sorrow. My head was in my hands and I was hunched over letting the tears drip down my face. She came to me and put her hand on my back. She brought me green tea with agave and told me, "unless you are going deep in meditation, there is really no point of being here". It made me think and made me remember her.
Kali, you are everywhere. Inside me and all around me and the more I remember this, I can never be apart. One day, I won't be apart from you, I will be you.
"I want to hear you open up." And so she did.
I was in the dish room, she came in and said, "That was just such a lovely meal, all that peeling and chopping that you did. Thank you."
I heard her whisper to me, "Make grilled cheese sandwiches and fruit salad for dinner, that will make the people happy". So I did.
She spoke to me today, over and over again. She came to me and told me many things.
I told her about how the full moon last night, drew poison out of me, in the form of my emotions. The darkness became exposed and it was painful and stung like arrows. She told me today, "As sensitive as you are to the darkness and the negativity, you can become equally as sensitive to the light". She walked away and I told her, "You are a good brother" because that was how she came to me in that moment.
Speak to me I told her as I fervently washed the dishes, speak to me, I am open to hearing you.
She called me on the phone and told me, "Thank you for spending time with Mary yesterday, she had so much fun with you and how you let her drive the golf cart. She is shy sometimes but she really had fun with you." Divine mother made me feel good about having fun while I was working.
Speak to me divine mother speak to me.
She told me to write this blog, she asked me to write a college scholarship application, she woke me up this morning to do yoga. She is inside of me and you. She was the full moon last night, drawing me up the hill to sit and bask in her moonlit night. She is the love that pours through my dear friend, she is the discipline that pours through him too. She is with me when I go to my room at night alone and sit on my bed and think of her. She is in the music in my headphones when I lay down with my crystals and drift into sleep. She plans things for my life and when I let go and let her do things, they turn out beautiful and they are easy.
She is the soft voice of community dining in the dinner hall. And today she told me, "why have two enemies when you can have two friends." So I stopped judging them and I started appreciating and loving them. I started to see them as my family. I love my family and I don't judge them, I accept them and hear them. These people are becoming my family.
I dreamed last night and she showed me, I was holding onto the past. A figment of my imagination, something that once existed but was no longer real. She told me I could eat gluten again, and potato chips and sometimes a cookie. And it was fine, I didn't die and it was fun.
I don't care anymore, I don't need to worry about myself and what will happen because every time I let go and I love a little bit more, life is beautiful again. In this beautiful space that I have created from choice, from choosing positivity and light, she can come, she can enter.
I was crying outside on the grass this morning. Life felt very painful and my heart was overcome with sorrow. My head was in my hands and I was hunched over letting the tears drip down my face. She came to me and put her hand on my back. She brought me green tea with agave and told me, "unless you are going deep in meditation, there is really no point of being here". It made me think and made me remember her.
Kali, you are everywhere. Inside me and all around me and the more I remember this, I can never be apart. One day, I won't be apart from you, I will be you.
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