After cleanse thoughts

Just completed 7 Days on Master's cleanse (not to be confused with the Master cleanse).
The goddess is back. That is what I heard so strongly yesterday. She is awakening on the planet again, through me, through all female bodies, through mother earth. I moved and danced and felt how light and joyful it is to be alive. This is my true nature and all the stuff that bogs me down, it is only temporary. My soul is always untouched, pure, natural and free. It takes a cleanse or seclusion to get back to that sometimes. Last night I came up to my room after a long day of cleansing and serving in the kitchen. I had one hour to myself to actually go deep into quiet and explore this cleanse inwardly before I would absolutely need to pass out. I decided to journal and at first it felt forced but very quickly I was just writing full out, stream of consciousness and so many realizations were coming to me. This cleanse was not like shaking up the earth, but it was powerful and sweet in many ways. It showed me that I don't have to keep feeling like I need to overhaul myself and my life. Maybe finally after years of intense cleansing, fasting, praying, ceremony, medicines it's time to start accepting myself. Maybe it's time to start polishing rather than demolishing. I'm seeing too that very little ridiculous anger or pain came out, just some residual stuff from issues I've been working on for years. Mother stuff, sister stuff, you know, the usual. Anywho, I'm making dinner for the community tonight so I gotta head out. Love you all so much. Drop me a line sometime.
xoxo
C

Solstice

http://anandalaurelwood.org/

Getting real

I HAVE to be honest with myself.

To be a good partner, requires first the ability just to be a good friend. If I don’t know how to truly be a good friend to someone how can I be a partner, which involves complete support of their highest good even over your own desires  and will.

I have to be honest with myself that every time I am looking in a mirror, going shopping, etc., I am saying to myself, I am this. Every morning when I sit in meditation and go into spirit, I am affirming, I am that. I am a soul, I am spirit.

I have been looking at people, a things, at life and situations picking out the bad points, seeing the flaws. The worst part is I have been doing that with my friends, seeing the bad qualities and then judging them and not liking them for those qualities, feeling hurt, mad and upset at them. Not forgiving them. It has been so difficult on myself truly because I constantly am in fear in a subtle way that I am being judged, disliked, not loved. This is all based on my own inner reality from the subtle emotions, thoughts that are going on within myself.

I have been feeling  a vicitim to life, like I have no choice in the decisions and choices I make. So I haven’t been making powerful choices and then feeling upset like I am missing out on life and what I truly want. The fact of the matter is I have been scared to make choices because I am scared to use my own will to make something happen, scared it is the wrong choice. In the past I used my will a lot and then always felt the pain when I was making the wrong choice. The thing is I didn’t have the courage to tune into myself to ask what the right thing was. That would involve being centered in myself and asking and it may be answer or a direction I didn’t want to face. The hardest thing to face right now is just taking responsibility for my own life because it involves being totally and utterly present with myself. Which means facing anything and everything that is there inside of me. All the outer projections I have had on other people is all pointing back to myself. What I thought people were doing to me and how their attitudes affected me could be shifted to me seeing how far they’ve really come and how many great things they have achieved. This attitude is all around me but I can choose to reverse it and see the good and positive in everyone and everything no matter how imperfect it may seem. Imagine how much my feeling of myself and my reality would shift if I was constantly giving compassion and forgiveness. I would also receive compassion and forgiveness.

I am back to myself this morning, thank God. After five days straight of design work, little sleep and barely coherent meditation. I allowed myself to relax into my yoga practice this morning and everything flowed so perfectly, so sweetly. I am getting ready to start Yogananda's Master’s cleanse on Wens. My intention is to release fear. Embrace love, my true self.

Cheese please

I just need to eat the cheese or not eat the cheese. All or nothing girl. I see myself dabbling in things but not really going all the way. Dangling on the verge of having my film produced and released but not fully jumping into it. Putting a little bit of cheese on my taco, but not enough to really make a huge diffrence. I have been scared to really go for it or to really let it go. I feel like this letting go process I am going through right now needs to be fully honored. I need to completely go into it so then, I will know what is truly mine.

I haven't really felt like blogging or writing lately nor have I felt like pursuing my business activities, something I was so passionate about only a few months ago. I am going through major healing, growth here at the community. I can hardly recognize myself anymore and it really feels like a force beyond myself is taking over. It is a total relief because today I just felt so much grace and guidance. I wasn't beating up on myself for once because I felt like I was finally doing the right thing for once. I am not deliberately trying to rebel or be contrare or creating waves, I am just being.

There are several key factors into the healing that is taking place but in large part, it is just being at peace with myself. Letting people be and letting myself be feels really good. I want to be as mellow as a rasta and as disciplined as an ascetic yogi. I want to ecstatically dance like Ma and be as free flowing and beautiful as Sita and Radha.

I was told that this August would be a very important month for me, several years ago. And I have anticipated it every since. I am starting to feel like what could be more exciting than discovering who I really am. I feel more like myself, more in myself than I have in years. Maybe since I was a kid, when everything was fresh and alive. I cried a lot this morning in meditation, I'm not even sure why but it felt healing after. I have a good friend here and he has been an incredible instrument of healing and support. God has always supported me through my close friends and those loved ones around me. I am grateful...full, happy and healthy with a belly full of nachos and cheese.

I am in love...again

Over and over, lifetime after lifetime I have fallen in love. The tides are beginning to turn and my love, inspired by the beautiful, deep souls around me, is turning my love inwards and upward. I am falling in love with the beauty I am seeing all around me. I watched two swallows, spiralling through the air, weaving around one another and wondered why else would they be doing this dance except for pure joy? Love has no reasons, it is spontaneous, it is just pure spontaneous love and joy in expression. I am enjoying loving silently, inwardly without vocalizing it but just feeling it inside myself. I feel it's healing washing over me and healing ever nook and cranny. I go to my room sometimes and feel as if I am madly in love but it is only me there, me and the divine.

Krishna, Radha, Rama, Sita, Mary, Jesus; all of these divine personages are inspiring us to what it means to purely love. It is pure, it is tender, it is friendship above all. Lust, obsession, infatuation are all confused and mis-directed remnants of what is true. The outer expression I have always sought, to share my love with another, is being fulfilled in a way I can't yet understand. How long will this go and how far will it take me? I don't know but I am feeling and trusting what is being asked of me. To love un-attached and love what is best for my love. To forgive and love myself, is to forgive and love others. I am asking forgiveness and I am healing.

I can no longer pretend or deny that the creator of the universe is hearing me and answering my call. He is blessing and watching over me and one day, I pray to know him more intimately than any lover can know another.

Venus - the Goddess is re-birthing

Daiva says that God can be my partner. He tells me to forget the idea that I am beautiful and that I can attract anything I want to myself. He challenges me to forget the idea of the perfect relationship. He is asking me to explore myself on a deeper level than I could of ever imagined possible for myself. He  asks me to open to the idea of finding complete motivation and joy inwardly and to let go of all the exterior motivations I have always turned to. What reason is there to get out of bed in the morning if not for career, relationship or money, I ask myself? What is left? Just me.

Last night I finally had to admit to myself that I'm not ready for a relationship. If I want to be in a partnership that is whole and complete, I have to be that myself first. It makes perfect sense that to expect someone who is whole, is only possible, if I first am whole.

Encouragement goes a long way

E-mail from my little sister, Christina West

Charity, when you left I was smiling but honestly I felt like crying. I do not know what it is about us but I feel like I know you and you know me better than anyone else does. We fight but I really do love you and it's the mark of someone you really care about if it hurts to be fighting with them. I only want good things for you, and I am extremely jealous and proud of you for taking risks in life, and most the time making something awesome from them.

I hope you are getting set up in your new place and are well, but mostly are confident in yourself and in your heart.Also dad came over the next night and literally cried like a baby talking about leaving you at the station. We talked about how our past was rough but we should all love each other no matter what.

Keep writing and living, fuck money cuz look at what the bitterness of not having it does and how when you get it its never enough. The only thing that is satisfying is doing what you love. Be happy big sis
-tuna