Subjective reality

Why do they gotta make it so tough on themselves. On themselves and other people. As if life has to be hard, a struggle, a push, a shove, a grown up's world. What is wrong with kindness. Aren't we all seeking it? So why is it so hard, just to offer a little kindness, even when we don't have to. I want to stand there every morning in the circle and just enjoy the love there that is present. It's hard to watch sometimes as people put on their mask. How to stay strong on not pull out my own. To hide behind a false joke, something unreal and unnatural. I want to be in myself no matter what anyone else is doing around me.That is it. 

Yesterday I had a marvelous day where I just felt me. I felt myself. I was myself. I went out into the world and I was MYSELF. I did not need to put on any pretense or make-up, real or figurative. I enjoyed it so much, I felt like I spent the whole afternoon with God because I was just spending it with myself. Unplanned, unstructured, free-flowing but also, just simple. Just nice. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I felt relaxed. It's been awhile since I have felt that feeling. Especially since coming to Ananda. But I guess inner relaxation does come, eventually. I went to get a tea and I drove through the pelting rain down a country road. I picked up my friend Brooke at Laurelwood and we went to Portland. We planned to go do yoga and eat raw food, which upon arriving to town, realized was an outrageous idea. We live in a yoga community and constantly eat healthy food! So instead, we went to a bookstore, got fries and sushi and ate chocolate as we explored the city of Portland. That was a much better choice and somehow, I knew it was the right one for that moment. I booked the last week off to have a summer vacation at home, Laurelwood that is. It was next near impossible! I tell you, these Anandites, they either really know how to relax and have disappeared off the face of the planet or they are hard at it, running around every minute. I suppose we all have a lot of energy and it needs to go somewhere. I'm starting to accept it. Tomorrow, it's back to it. Now I have to decide whether to watch a movie or paint. Movie sounds good because I don't have to move but it's 11am in the morning. Ah, decisions, decisions.