Sometimes I need to stop and slow it right down. It's amazing how caught up we can get just going through the day. First thing in the morning I meditate and center myself and then the day hits and it can get pretty insane sometimes. I have to force myself to consciously stop and remove myself, go for a walk, take a deep breath, and turn the computer off.
Last night I had a dream that I was in a prison with a bunch of others I knew. I can't help but think this dream has some truth to it. The prison being mostly in my mind, my thoughts of limitations, worries and constant fear of failure. It has taken me moving all the way across the world to see that my life in North America was way out balance.
It has been three months since I moved to the beautiful island of Palawan, Philippines and I feel like I am going through major detox from city life. My mind... it's crazed, constantly going and the more I meditate the worse it seems to get. Maybe it's just in the moments of stillness I experience in the time of deep meditation that magnify the voice inside my head when it comes back strong. Today during yoga I even caught the internal dialogue saying "come on yoga girl, you're supposed to be so peaceful and calm and here you are worrying away." Is this my voice? Sounds more like that of a crazed workaholic. Paramahansa Yogananda suggests a "worry fast" where you consciously tell your self not to worry for days or weeks. It works but it's the constant watching of the mind that I find harder I guess.
This idea that we always have to be busy, if not in body than in mind. My mind races with feelings of guilt and shame when I allow myself an afternoon to do something I love, like read a book or go for a swim. If this is not jail than I don't know what is and unfortunately, I am my own police.
In my dream last night, I packed my backpack and a I told my friend in jail I was getting out.
I met a man on the beach here the other day named Allen Sneidmiller from California. A retired forest fire fighter, Allen now spends most of his time travelling in Asia. He first tasted freedom when he started working three months a year with the fire fighters, made some big bucks and then spent the remaining nine months traveling the world. A lifestyle he found extremely freeing and feasible since his money went so far primarily in Malaysia and the Philippines. He said that after several years of part time working he could never go back to 9 to 5 with 2 weeks vacation. Eckart Tolle and the Power of Now is one of his major influences and it's the one item he takes with him everywhere he goes.
I took last Sunday off to take a long walk by myself to a secluded beach that I often go to when I need to be alone. I was having some major emotional issues come up and couldn't help but direct my feelings towards Johan, my partner. Sometimes there are things a woman goes through that a man just can't have any understanding about. On the beach from where I sat, I can see my house from across the bay. It took awhile but after taking a naked dip in the ocean, I could feel the heaviness washing away and I finally allowed myself to relax. Mother nature is always good for that. I felt like I had an eagle eye view of my life from where I was sitting and saw many things about myself and what I was experiencing more clearly. I realized how out of tune I had become with my own emotions and everyday experience of life, trying to suppress and tell my self that everything was alright. I wasn't spending the time to nourish and accept myself for the feelings that were being brought up yet expecting to receive this acceptance from Jo. When I didn't get that I re-affirmed to myself that my feelings weren't valid. Loving myself was what I needed in that moment, acceptance and letting myself know that what I was feeling was ok.
The biggest thing was how good it felt just to spend some time alone with me, just me and God. Try it, it's fun and I have never regretted those times I have listened to my heart and just gotten away from it all. Not only that but everything becomes a lot lighter when we acknowledge ourselves and remember that this life isn't about slugging away, it's about being at peace with ourselves and acting from that centered place in the midst of the activity. I guess this is part of Yoga after all. OMMMMMM
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