I'm amazed at how far from myself I can get. It's absolutely astounding. It can go on for weeks, months, maybe even a year and a half? It's crazy, ever since I left the Philippines one and a half years ago, I have been out of myself. I have been trying to get somewhere, do something, to make something of myself. All in all, I have been DOING. The Philippines was a place for being and all the while, I was anxious and restless there because I wanted to do.
Tonight after sitting in meditation, it came to me so clearly, I am always trying to get somewhere else. Where is the next place, what is the next thing. In between the destinations, the journey, I literally go blank or unconscious. It is really hard to say but it seems to be the truth. What happens in the slow, quiet moments in between "stuff" seems like a lot of shit happens that I just cannot slow down enough to be present for. It is so easy for things to go sideways when we are not completely and fully present with every thought, word, gesture and interaction with others. It's easy by myself. When I am alone, I have so much fun. I paint, I dance, I listen to music, I do savasana. I don't judge myself. When I get with others, I act crazy. I act crazy because I act like someone else, I don't act like myself. I get thrown off my center and I let the way others act and speak to me, influence how I feel about myself. Too much and too long now. I don't think it's always been like this but just since I got hurt. I got hurt young when I lost my first friend, my first best friend. When time and time again people left, situations changed, people hurt me, I hurt people. I had a hard time acco epting that things change. I have had a hard time letting go. I have had a hard time forgiving. Myself and others. It's hard to move forward when we can't forgive.
When I left my partner in the Philippines to come to the US last August, it broke my heart. I didn't realize it. I hit the ground running when I arrive to Vancouver because I had to. I had to find a house, get a phone, make money and do something with myself. So I enrolled in film school, something I had always wanted to do but never felt the luxury of time or money. I made it happen, it manifested. But the way it happened, everything in between, the cold lonely nights, the early morning bus rides, the hungry afternoons, was it all worth it?
I cannot tell you right now because I don't know.
I will tell you this though, that everything in between. That is life. That's life.
The way I think it should be or aught to have been, what I always thought my life would have been, didn't happen. It's not real. It doesn't matter. I go and I move and I do things and things move and change constantly but I always end up at the exact same place. Back here, with me. Same person, same situation and when I write, I know I am back. I am a writer. That is who I am. I write, I make films, I create. This is who I am. When I stop doing those things, something feels unnatural.
Did I have to give up my partner, my home, my life, all my belongings to figure out why I was here and who I was? I don't know, maybe? Maybe not. But I did.
I am heading to India in three weeks for an epic journey that has no definitions or parameters. I am open. The only things I know is when I arrive, Jan 16th and when my flight is scheduled to depart, April 16th. 3 months. In between, I do not know. Currently, I am surrendering. I want to get lost. I want to lose myself, in love, in bliss, in essence. In just being me. I want to feel who this girl is, apart from influence or ideas or doing. I want to just be. I have allowed too many people to influence me, to affect me and to shut me down. I have given people that power. I want to gain responsibility for my life now. I am calling back my lost energy. I am re-gaining my power in my connection with something greater.
I can't help myself but create things when I get still. I have a lot of energy, what can I say. Especially when I am not in relationships. I'm leaving to India and I am even creating a fundraising project right before going http://claritycreative.blogspot.com/. I can't help myself, sometimes I feel as if I will go insane with creativity. I feel so happy to be opening up this way. I have been hiding. Hiding myself here at Ananda. Afraid to be who I really am. Trying my very best to fit in and be who i think I should be. What's wrong with me? Why do I get teased constantly that I am a rebel and I should get candy coal for Christmas? I wonder sometimes. I feel that maybe it's time to stop looking outside for reassurance and for approval. I approve of myself. I love myself and this is going to be the best damn time of my life. And if it's not, then at least I know myself a little more and I can finally settle down. I wonder if I am not running again, but at least I am conscious this time. And I still feel the guidance to go. I have told her, God, if you don't want me to go, stop me.
I'm so happy to be back and I was totally inspired by reading my friend Pilgrim Girl's blog. Thank you sister. Every bit of presence and slowing down can bring so much healing to us and others. Being a woman means being in the heart. Let us now remember to come back to this place of stillness and feeling. This is who we are. All of us. Not just women. The planet and the dark forces seek to confuse and entangle us. Let us be stronger by holding light and love strong. It can never tear us down so long as we call upon the higher power for strength. Jai Guru. Jai Ma
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