Why did God give us free will, the ability to choose?
Sometimes I wish he hadn't.
I apologize that my posts have been uncharacteristically dark the last few days, I am venting.
It seems to me that everyone in my life seems to have an idea of what I should and should not do in my life.
Why is it that just recently this has started to get on my nerves?
Has it always been like this, is it like this for everyone else in the world? I imagine it must not only be me.
Family, friends, spiritual teachers, society, the churches, religion, everyone but me has an idea of what I should be doing with my life.
I think why it has started to bother me is I am finally realizing that my life has not been led by me all these years. My life has been directed according to the dictates of others likes, dislikes and personal beliefs, primarily my family and of course, the notorious Catholic Church. Sorry grandma but I'm counting that you will never ever read this blog. I have been living as a people pleaser, which sounds insane because I have been living so unconventionally. It may appear to some that I am living very freely, creatively and powerfully, but not so. I have been holding back. I have been holding back for fear of disapproval, for fear of people "talking", for fear of not looking "good", whatever that means. Basically I have been trying to fit in and live and ordinary life, for my standards, compared to the life I know I can have.
But what does this all mean? These are all realizations I have had before and I haven't seen much change. Are there sprouts in the earth, unknown to me, waiting to burst into full potential at any moment? Maybe. I sure hope so. Recently, it has come to a pinnacle for me. I am so sick of everyone's advice and opinions of what they think I should do as all it has left me is a head full of confusion and misery. I know without a doubt that there is a voice of stillness somewhere inside my crazed head and sometimes when I let go and even give up, it comes out.
Ok, so who cares if you get to fly home to Vancouver and go to Sundance, or you stay here and you fast and pray in the Philippines. Like a wise old monk, whatever comes, let it come. The divine kitten is placed wherever the mother puts her.
I am just so sad sometimes because I really want to make the right decision. I know life is about choice, that we can choose, but I want to make the right choice. Is it about trusting my choice? What if I want to choose chocolate but I know chocolate will make me constipated and I like Vanilla and it doesn't cause me suffering, but it's not as satisfying as chocolate. Then what? This is some landmark education coming out. They basically say choose chocolate or vanilla. If someone is to ask you "why did you choose that", your reply would be "because I choose chocolate", or "because I choose vanilla". No reason or explanation, you just make a choice and you go with it. Ok, so my little sister, who is very much like me, in every way. She is having a hard time choosing between taking writing or music in college, because she likes both and she is unsure about making the right choice. But I see it clearly for her, unlike myself. Either one she chooses is good and will lead her somewhere great, it doesn't matter which one really, just make a choice just to make a choice. We are faced with hundreds of decisions every day, mostly small ones, like what should I eat or put on today. If we got stuck on each and every choice, life would just pass us by. Maybe by thinking to much rather than just choosing, we are letting really big things pass us by, like our life.
Ok, so maybe I can just go off and be by myself tomorrow morning, do some yoga, meditate, swim, calm my body and mind. I can sit and feel, what do I WANT TO DO. Separate from every one else, separate from what I think the "right" choice is. Anyways what about responsibility and duty? Just want to throw a wrench in there. Does anyone have any advices?
When you say you feel you have to impress people, or base your decisions on someone else's ideals, I feel the same way. I think a lot of my decisions are based on that. Wearing different clothes for different people, saying different things, laughing a different way, being positive and reserved, or being negative and letting it all out.
ReplyDeleteSome people I find you can really be yourself around. Sometimes its easy to make decisions because you don't have to worry about them judging you. But then later, when you are by yourself, you think to yourself, "is that really the right choice?", or "is that the best path for me?" and you don't feel so sure.
But there is a creative aspect to making decisions. Like when you are dancing, why are you moving your arms and feet to that very specific and exact location? Usually im not to sure why, im not sure at all, im just doing it. That seems to be when really awesome stuff happens. Like you didn't really think about putting your foot there, but its really awesome right where you put it, and it amazes you! And they way you moved with your foot from one location to the next, was really sweet!
I was trying to decide how to finish this off. haha.
An an idea came into my head, to just choose, and not worry about it. Choose right away. Its not the end of the world, and if you change your mind, then pick the other thing.
But I just thought to myself, maybe Im wrong and I should delete that last thing. But i think I'll just leave it.
-Cody