Trouble with authority

I was asked today if I have trouble with authority. Who, me?
Well, I thought a lot about that this evening. And it dawned on me. Yes, yes I have had trouble with authority, since I came to this world in fact. In kindergarten, on the very first day of school, my mother dropped me off and didn't tell me she was leaving. I was so busy playing, that I didn't notice her leave out the back. When I clued in to what was happening I ran out of class after her. The principal tried to hold me back but I kicked him and ran away. I ran all the way up the hill and caught up to my mother.

I am growing tired of form, of structure, of ritual, of ceremony, of technique. I am at my breaking point with being told what to do.  For the last 8 or 9 years I have been living within structure performing acts to beat down the body and mind.  I have done nothing but austerities, ceremonies, acts to reform myself.

I sat up from dusk to dawn, in all night ceremonies on my knees in countless weekend ceremonies held in small teepees, sometimes with 30 or more people. No water breaks, no going the the bathroom. I did sweat lodges every weekend for years, sometimes several times in one week. It got so hot in there that I actually passed out on one occasion. I spent years in the sweat lodges, sweating and purifying myself.

I did long fast, dry fasts, water fasts. Vision quests in the Philippine mountains and holy spots across North America. I fasted in the desert, the mountains and the flat lands of Alberta in the dead of winter. I did deep cleanses, raw food cleanses, sometimes all alone for months at a time. I cold water bathed in icy waters, wading through the snow and ice, dipping my bare body beneath the waters. Water so cold it felt as if it was fire. I've meditated for hours and hours at a time. I've inflicted just about every purifying medicine you can imagine on myself. I've done silent retreats, silent fasts, silent walks, meditations. I've denied myself material comforts, a home, adequate food, usually never keeping more than $100 to my name. I have been punishing myself for years, in hopes of ridding myself of the ego. I am to the point of feeling like, "what the hell is the point of all this?"

Today I did a healing session on the hill for a sweet girl that lives here.
I had a dawning realization. "The suffering stops when I want it to".
It really doesn't have to be this hard.

Yes, I am tired of people telling me what to do. And it doesn't just stem from this lifetime. I know it must stem from a long, long line of suppression and control. Probably coming from many lifetimes of monasticism.

I did rebel for several years in my early teens but quickly got back into spiritual practices when I was 17 after experiencing the pain that comes from a life steeped in delusion.

Anyhow, that's where I'm at. All I can do now is pray that the universe guide me. Is this something I need to overcome or let go of. There must be some balance. I want to let all form of worship and just love God. I want to just be. I want to be happy. I have experimented with not meditating and so forth but usually I end up just wanting to meditate anyways. I am taking a vow tomorrow, for one year. I will tell you more about it another time.