You tell me

There is so much beauty sometimes it is hard to see what it is.
I painted a picture the other day, I gave it to my girlfriend.
I had no idea what it was, it just felt good to paint.
When I gave it to her, she saw it. And then so did it.
It was a beautiful bird, with flowers and a pink and yellow sunset in back.
I gave it away because I couldn't see what it was, I couldn't define it so it didn't mean a whole lot to me. So I was un-attached.

I have been considering stopping writing this blog. Why? Because I have nothing left to complain about.
Ha!
Things are actually going well. It's amazing. I am changing, something is finally changing and all I am doing is relaxing. Not really outwardly, because I've been super busy with Laurelwood and classes now, but more inwardly. It's as if all these years of hard work and focus towards healing, are suddenly kicking in. Why? Because I'm not pushing anymore, I'm not trying to heal, I'm finally starting to relax and just be. I'm feeling.
It's like it really takes time to get relaxed for me especially.

It will be almost one year now that I have been at Laurelwood. It's taken me that long and I'm sure it will still require more time, but I'm opening. I'm open. I discovered that it takes me longer and gentler ways to allow myself to open up. All that traveling and medicines were fast, oh so fast and it was exactly what I needed to begin to discover who I am. Now I know what does and doesn't work. It's hard now to ignore when I hear the inward call. I know what I need to do and when I'm being called. Before it was hard to feel the light, now it's learning to keep the light inside and not give it away. You would be surprised. It's either we are feeling pain, or feeling joy and either way we want to get rid of it. We want to give our love to someone, we want to find someone in a grumpy mood, and we want to give away our joy. Who's choice is it? Who's choice was it to walk into that room right at the moment that your sister was pissed off or grumpy? It's our choice. I like these tests a lot better because at least I'm dealing with joy now, rather than pain. It's a good life, but it's still maya. So what am I going to find to blog about now that I am finally happy? Any ideas
:)

NOW or never

I've been on a vision quest since June 2009. It's now February 2013. Almost 4 years.
In the Native American way, four years is a full cycle. Pi Villaraza, a baylan (Philippine shaman) told me after doing a healing on me: the vision quest has to end sometime. It may be now. But it may not.

I have been going through a healing crisis for four years, I have been in constant cleanse mode. Imagine being on a cleanse for four years. Not only did I get addicted to cleansing but I may have also got addicted to the pain. Things are rough when you are cleansing because it is exactly that, cleansing out the old to make new for the new. This involves experiencing and facing the toxic things that come up. That is the only way to remove them or at least let them pass into the light.My main way of letting this stuff go has been prayer. A constant and ongoing prayer 24/7.

Lately, I have been waking up early in the morning automatically and I will sit right up and start meditating, without even a thought. This cleanse, fast, vision quest has been extremely detrimental to my social and friendship life. I can't honestly say that after all this time I have too many close friends. Although the people I have connected with over these past four years have been amazing soul searchers as well and the connections, however short, are deep. I feel connected to many people around the globe who I have had the pleasure of questing with. All my friends love God. How amazing is that?

My past was really rough, I mean really rough. It is all coming to a head right now and I am offering it into and inviting in the light. Because where the light comes in, darkness cannot remain.

I'm sure it has not been easy being around me the past few months especially, I have been pretty inward. It seems that to move on with life there is a certain part of this whole journey I have to put down. I have to let the search go and be where I am now. I asked for community and I found one. I asked for God and she came. Divine mother is showing me parts of myself that are so connected and so beautiful. This solid earth, material life has been totally not a part of my reality these past years. I have been off on other realms and it may be time to come back. I'm just saying, it may be. I have not been living and operating in the same reality most everyday people are. I have been communing with other realms and looking to return there and be more and more in spirit. I have been tearing down walls and tearing down my material life. I have nothing but if you were to rip open my chest, you would find a golden treasure buried deep within. It may be the beginning now, of getting back to life.

Years ago I gave up my apartment, my home and everything I owned and I journeyed. I went all over the place. Recently I gave up a trip to India and that may be a sure sign that I am ready to start re-building roots into the soil of Earth. It may take time, patience and extreme unconditional love, but I know with God's help, I can do it. My heart is overwhelmed as it has grown accustomed to withdrawing, to being inside. The thought of going out into the world and just living life seems empty. But that is a fear from the past because it was empty before I found the gold inside, the fear is the separation,. But I can live life differently this time, in a conscious way, in attunment. I can live with joy and love this time. Keeping connection with source is my main goal. I know it all sounds crazy and extreme, but I am.

Well, first things first. Eating breakfast would be a great start to the day, so that is what I am going to do now. Then I'm going to e-mail my family and thank them for helping support me to get into school, something I have wanted to do for years. I have quoted this before but it comes up often, "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto thee".

If you haven't seen my documentary film trailer, here it is. Completing this film completed may be a good way to process and complete the quest.

Jai love!

The pain, the pain, the pain again with the pain. The fear, the fear, the fear, the fear. Afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to put myself out there, expose myself. So instead, I get angry and I cover myself up. Again and again, these two little figures sitting, one on each shoulder. The voice of the devil and the other, the angels. A great man, Paulo Roberto said: you must be able to discern which voices are whispering to you. When you have high thoughts, it is the voice of the angels. When it is low thoughts, the voice of the demonic ones. And the last, the voice of yourself. So you must know yourself so you can always discern which voice is talking to you.

I am cracking up. Life is cracking up around me. I am struggling to hold on with everything I have and at the same time totally and utterly losing control. I am mad. God is mad, completely crazy, out of his mind. What is this thing we are living everyday. It feels like a hellish realm yet I yearn with everything inside my being to bring Peace and Harmony to this family. To the world, to my own family. I wish to give birth but in another way or form I don't fully understand. My being wants to give birth to life yet everything around me is trying to tear it down.

The past, the dirt, the sickness, has been trying to drag this pure being of light through it. Please let it down my girl. You are a princess, you are my daughter in this kingdom, you are free. He tells me over and over. I love you more than anything on this earth. All I want is you father, everything on this planet is empty without you. You are the only thing I want. Please, please take me home. I yearn, I ached. I force myself to meditate, day in and day out if only to come a little closer to him, to my true home. Why does it take me getting to the edge always to reach out. You are my only friend right now.

Homework seems ridiculous right now. Something I care very little about. I'm not going to change anything anymore, I give in. I want to be part of my family, I cried for community. But can I accept them? Accept that human beings are not perfect, not at all. But can I be ok with that. The Ayahusca medicine and it's teachings are coming back strong, are showing me what i experienced and why. All the lessons I wasn't able to face a year ago. I was shown my daily state of consciousness magnified and how toxic and hard it is to constantly live in guilt, in fear, in shame. Human conditions we have been passed from our ancestors. Is any of this making any sense? Always wanting to be somewhere either than here. What is this human condition I have inherited. I never asked for it.

My consciousness is not of this planet, my mind, my spirit is inward everyday communing with the divine. I want to be closer, close, I want to be in spirit. Visiting all those realms put me in touch with something else. I never knew life would be so hard, I had some idea that it would be easier. Life is tough. But somehow, there is light. I know there is, all I have to do is look up and I see it.  It is pouring out of me and all around me. My ego, the ego is thick, it wants to survive. I want to purify. Someone said that I am special. How special is it to turn away from the emptiness of the world and want God. I think that is common sense. There is nothing here to make me happy. Men, relationships, all that led me down a dark and ugly road. I don't want that. I want the purity. The gold. I am going for the real Gold. The love of God is like nothing else. I want the best, the very highest, the only one who will never leave or abandon me. I just read my little sister's blog, Unchained Thoughts, she is a profound and deep writer. She is in love for her first time, as am I.

A letter from Tom in the Philippines

Hi C,

So much in your letter, it feels like a week long conversation. I know what you are going through, and it reminds me of sometimes in my past.

Once I was sitting in church with the family, Kathi and four small children. Hard to even imagine that now... Church??

The meeting was going on as they do, but inside me something was crawling and wanted out. Emotion, rage, confusion, tension, birth ?

I left the meeting and drove to the mountains, the only place I could think to go where there was no people, no noise. I climbed up a trail I knew at Horse tail falls, a treacherous climb that would discourage most. On reaching the top and surveying the surrounding Sierra Neveda mountains, I saw a hole under some boulders that looked safe, hidden and quiet. A natural womb of granite and dirt.

I curled into a embryo and listened to the ticking timebomb inside me. I had to either disarm it or... let it blow! As it turned out life was not ready to let me go quietly into release, as the sound of voices began to grow in my ears. Two hikers in full chit chat mode walk within 8 feet of me!!! I now know why a guy loads five guns and goes on a rampage.

Is there no peace to be had? How far must I go for simple silence?

There was just enough sanity left in me to leave the pin in the hand granade, although most everything else in me want to end it all. I prayed...

"What are you teaching me? What is this churning in my gut that feels like "Alien" the movie? Help me sort this out!!

I stayed for awhile, maybe hours, I don't know, but did find my way down the mountain with some peace restored. There was no clear answer to what was happening inside me, but it went away and I was able to go on.

As I sit here and think back, it comes to me now that my soul was getting ready for a jail break. A just as the birth process is both miserable and dangerous to a small child, it is the only way out!

Much followed that Sunday many years ago and it seems now like only one page in "War and Peace" the book of Tom.

Clarity, you show many signs of being birthed or... making your own jail break. Keep watching the insanity that surrounds you and feel the beast in your belly that wont rest until liberation is certain. I also know that these events in your life are part of a much bigger picture, a picture you drew up ages ago. And weather you like it or not... it is all perfect! Maybe not from the ego mind which is wired toward separation and thus... drama. Yes, everything is OK, just keep believing that while you move from "adult child" to "adult adult", a process of taking full responsibility for your life, living in full integrity, and being present in the moment, only... always!

Are you ready for awe? I have a gift for you. Go to "Vimeo" and search for "ashes and snow https://vimeo.com/29498902 a video that still has me entranced. Animals and humans living the higher order, the natural order. There is a 45 minute full version I found on "kick as torrents." Watching this will not make your process go away, but it may remind you that there are awake people walking the planet and living an example of "wholeness".

Loves.

No expectations

No expectation. No expectation. No expectation. No expectation.

Being present with this moment with no expectation will allow me to write, to create to free flow unexpectedly, with no result in mind. The non-attachment allows for the creativity to flow without the constriction of I, me, mine. Master (Yogananda) is the one inspiring me, flowing through me and inspiring my writing.

Whenever I get set on something I want to do, like doing the energization exercises for example. I am energizing so I can energize, to have the result of more alertness and energy afterwards. But half way through the exercises, I want to quit. It’s being in the moment of energizing that is enjoyable, not wanting to be somewhere else. When the energizing really counts is in the moments, not just doing it mechanically. Joy comes from being in the moment…something I have not practiced much this life. I see my fear of being fully present here in my body, my heart has been closed. Fear of being present means fear of being present to all sensations including pleasure, pain, loss and gain. 

I am learning from my Buddhist friend to accept the pain, the suffering, the joy and not try to make it go away or change it. The great part about this practice is you can be going through complete agonizing physical, emotional or spiritual pain and you just continue to go on. You just do. Because you know that underneath it all, you are loved, you are pure joy and you are untouched. Your soul is perfect and God has never left you. Find something that drives you forward or someone and stick with it, stay with your goal.  

I feel like I am being given a new mature way of looking at life. This view-point comes from the yogic philosophy called Raja Yoga. This path makes me a responsible co-creator in life rather than a victim or sitting on the side line.

Love has been spontaneously welling up in great spasms and bursts, the love I am feeling for people here is overwhelming. Immediately the ego seeks to have a form, or vessel to direct this love. This happened when I first came to Laurelwood. I began to have a major heart opening experiences, where so much love and divine mother energy would pour through me I would literally feel high. I had a new best friend here at the time and all that love and energy just poured through me into him. I wanted the very best and highest for his healing and soul evolution and recognized him deeply as a soul friend but found it hard not to personalize my love for him. I probably don’t have to tell you how the situation ended up, but you can imagine. What goes up must come down and it did, boy did I go down. Bu I am getting a second shot at it.

This time, last night and this morning, I went deep into meditation. I mean deep. Last night we had a late night kirtan down in expansion hall and I was so high walking out of there, I felt like I was barely holding myself up. My love was just pouring out to divine mother as I told her over and over again: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I am being given a new opportunity, another chance to be re-born, to fully live life. And to become fully human.

Last night I read something about us humans, fully accepting being in our body. Being here in our body and fully experiencing everything that comes to us. Taking it as an opportunity to grow and to ask the universe what it is teaching us in this moment, moment by moment. As I mentioned earlier, I never wanted to really be fully present. It translated into not ever really wanting to be alive. Life was a burden, something to be endured. I prayed many times before to leave. In fact, I was given the opportunity to go once. 

This was the first but not the only experience I have had with death or wanting to die. From a yogic standpoint, I witness how desperately I have wanted to kill the ego. Kill my ego.  It sounds violent … and it is. It has been. I have made it that way. I don't know any other way. Death is not easy, unless we let go. The process has been an agonizing journey. But I have absolute faith and confidence that there is nothing more.

My second experience with death, well... that experience I will share another time. Thanks for staying up with me. I love you always in God.

Late night realizations

It is our responsibility to be the best we can be... not for ourselves...but for others.
Everyday asks of us to be our own personal best. What we can offer when we are at our cutting edge can affect people in profound ways that we can't know but sometimes get a glimpse of.
Saying yes, and getting up each morning, is a big start.

Cloudy and overcast with a chance of...

My emotional weather is cloudy and overcast with occasional breaks of sunshine.
I am moving from grey, winter, snowy days to lighter brighter promises of Spring.
I am holding inner sunshine in the darkest hours.
It can't get much worse so it's really not that bad.
I am becoming something new. In nine months, it will be unveiled.
I am re-birthing.
I am becoming something, someone, something.
I am nothing, no-one, no thing.
Disappearing the ego, killing the ego is what I felt this morning in meditation.
I have been attempting to kill the ego.
It sounds violent - it is.
Maybe the pain I have been experiencing is from that which I am trying to do?
Does the ego need to die?
I ask for it. I pray for it. Purify me. Completely and utterly.
and then I cry. Why is this happening to me?
Who is crying? Who is sad.
Mind is sad. Ego is hurt, offended, defensive. It sucks.
Let myself feel what I feel, feels nice, feels good. It goes away.
I am open and raw, completely unveiled and disarmed.
No one can hurt me anymore. I have complete responsibility for what is.
I have control over my emotional weather.
Whether it is sunny and clear or cloudy and overcast.
No one can control or manipulate my emotional weather.
I must keep my weather clear, clean and healthy.
My meditation was deep this morning. Deep like an endless crystal clear pool, washing me
and opening it's gorgeous, cleansing, white curtains of peace.
I was engulfed. It's all over. There is nothing else, nothing more or better.
All the pain, all the hurt from the past. That is my blessing. That is who I am
and how I have become cleansed. That pain was the blessing.
I am ready to close my eyes and finally open them.
I am in the process of letting go.
Forgivness is washing over me and giving me permission to start over.
When someone apologizes, it;s all over. We must forgive.
If not, we make a choice to keep on hurting.
What about when they don't apologize.
We can still forgive, ourselves, them. We can free ourselves.
The mood, the weather is there but I am allowing it to just settle,
like a cloud and maybe it will blow away before I go to bed.