From Yogini to Bramacharini to Dakini and back to Yogini Again

For those of you who have been following my blog for the past 4 years since it started, I feel the need to comment on my new lifestyle change. 

How did yogini gone bramacharini end up turning Dakini and wind up living in the city of Manila, engaged?

Well the first question is why does anything come about in life? 

“I will reason, will, and  I will act but guide thou my reason, will, activity to the right thing I should do” – Paramhansa Yogananda. This mantra or affirmation has been a guiding post for me over the past years. 

I went through some intense times over the past few years. For those of you who know me know that the experience level has been all over the gamut. From living as a bramacharini in a mansion LA to serving at a small countryside ashram in the countryside of Oregon. The common denominator in everything I did over the past 3 or so years has all been a dedication to truth. Truth seeking, seeking myself and asking what am I and what am I not. Did I find it? 

Certainly.

When I first met my friend Ben at the SRF chapel in Vancouver, I introduced myself to him saying that I was a “bramacharini in the city”. He replied to me without missing a beat “more like Tantric Dakini with Sidhis”. Hmmm, well….. haha.  

It’s been almost two years now since I became a bramacharini (literally “one who walks with Brahma”) or woman yogi renunciate who takes God as one’s partner, keeping celibacy. My two year vow has completed this October. For awhile I was battling back in forth with the feeling of safety being alone brings. God is the safest partner you’ll ever have. But opening my heart to someone else, wow, that can be scary… and powerful. 

 All the armor melts away when you fall in love. The edges get soft and women, well we become soft.  Over time, all the beautiful and not so beautiful things start to be revealed, as petal by petal, the center is reached. It’s a very delicate process and the heart cannot be rushed. It has been hurt many times, for all of us. I think we forget, we think that only we have pain. My pain. We forget about their pain, our pain, his/her pain. 

For months I struggled with the dilemma of whether I wanted to remain a bramacharini or continue on as before as a yogini, taking a partner or a Dakini, one who follows the tantric path - embracing life and all it has to offer, making this the sadhana (practice). The art of embracing vs that of renouncing, both important on my spiritual path. What a powerful practice after denying and renouncing so much for so many years. Embracing life and all it brings and offers generously to me. I suppose there are many aspects of the goddess that are one and simultaneously all of these aspects. 

Truthfulness, Honesty and Integrity,  are words I saw written on the walls of Swamiji’s (Swami Kriyananda’s) apartment.

It’s important not to get fooled by our own mind. It will trick you into all kinds of falsehoods. Such as the big one: you will be happier when you have someone else, get somewhere else, have something else. It got me a lot over the three years I was alone. But, I knew until I conquered that desire and could actually just feel myself and be happy, that nothing, no one could complete that aspect of myself. Oh yes, when I have the perfect man it will complete my dream to have a house, child, career etc. How can this be? Impossible. I mean, these things certainly will come and they are blessings undoubtedly, but to wait unhappily or longingly until that day, is to look past the gift this moment has to bring. YOU with yourself. You are your best friend. I love myself as my best friend, sometimes I forget, but it’s truly a blessing when I am reminded or remember. Giving to yourself is one big aspect of what friends do for one another. Time, energy, money, doing things you love, with yourself, first.

Now, I have an outer best friend too, Janaka. Now that I know how to love, which came from learning to love me first. So, there is no  other way to say it but that I moved back to the Philippines. My partner, Johan (also known as Janaka) was my love before I took my formal renunciation vows, which he supported me through, And when I was done, he was still there by Guru’s grace. There is a special prayer that Yogananda suggests to pray if one is asking for your life partner. I can say it works. So, not to the day, but pretty close, as I was finishing my vows, my partner Johan surfaced I joke with him about living in the Philippines because I say, “you couldn’t have been closer huh” but I’m also grateful he’s not from a cold country like Bulgaria or something. You take what you get and you take what the Guru offers. I am grateful.

What to say about the Philippines.                                                                                  

It’s an adjustment. How to complain. You really can’t. It's beautiful here. I am in the city for now but I have lots of good things to say about that too. I have this beautiful blue topaz ring on my finger and I think, how did I wind up living here with my soul partner after undergoing so much tapasya (hard work) over the last few years. There is lots that is different here such as we have someone who helps prepares three meals a day, there is someone to wash the cloths, do errands and even drive should we need this. ?? In America you have to be quite wealthy to afford these kinds of full time services but here helpers are common. They are wonderful and I appreciate them greatly but it is hard sometimes to not have to care for these basic everyday things. But in a sense, I am also learning a lesson in receiving. Janaka is wonderful and accommodative and has helped me greatly to get adapted here.

Will I continue my blog. I don’t know. I’ve thought about giving it up. Maybe it has served its purposeEverything has it’s time and maybe Yoga Girl East West is ripe. The question now is, when will the movie come out?