I started to paint recently, very recently. The first painting I did that I really liked was late one night when I smoked a little puff of this really dried out weed. Someone here in Palawan gave it to us and it hardly looked like weed but I guess that`s all they can get here. I smoked a little puff, put on some of my old tunes and got the paint set out. I very naturally drew a hand on a black canvas (the painting is posted on my blog archives as `Rainbow Colored Numerology`) and I went to town with the white paint. It flowed so easily and naturally, it felt as if my hand was being guided. I had no formal training as an artist nor did I think I could ever draw, which is why I resigned to digital art and design. I figured I would leave the real ``artists`` who drew by hand to do the real work. But since I had a good eye for composition and color, I would join the digital nerds category and draw with my mouse pad and two fingers.
So I spent a few hours in this kind of painting trance and bam, here was this painting, a real one. I was really proud and excited because I never thought that I could draw. I grew up with a super talented and artistic brother so I always figured I just had other talents, like communicating and riding bikes or whatever. So after that painting was finished, I got scared that the only reason I could draw that night was because I was stoned and then I became totally blocked from painting for several weeks. ``When am I going to be able to get some more weed so I can paint again``, this is what I was thinking.
I finally got through that and got my paints out again and it turned out, not only could I draw but this next time was even better than the first one. I got super into it and even started to experiment with different brushes and mixing colors. I felt so proud, I could now classify myself as an artist. Yipee!
So anyways, I start working on this painting and I start to realize, these paintings, they take time. After 2-3 hours I just need a break. So it turns into a week or two project to create one painting and by this time you have invested like 10-15 hours of time into it. Ok, so I hav a very active mind, and also a very business and goal oriented way of thinking so I`m already set on some sort of outcome for this piece. So I am in the final stretch, the last painting session to complete my most prized work of art thus far. I add the gold paint, the final touch and it`s perfect. I sign my name, C West down in the bottom right corner and voila, it`s finished. But..... I have this blue paint and I have an idea, I think maybe I could add one more element, I bet my brother and dad and Johan would think this was really cool. And also, there is no focal point and I remember Jo telling me you need a focal point in a painting. So hesitantly, I start to paint and I start to think. Big mistake. When I am thinking and painting, I am not painting, I am thinking and my confused thoughts come out onto the canvas. I take a step back and look at what I have just added to my perfectly beautiful painting, and I hate it. I am so upset that I leave the house and I don`t even sleep there that night. I convince Jo we should sleep at the resort tonight just so I don`t have to look at what I`ve done. I come home the next day and I show the painting to Jo, because it`s just sitting there and I start hoping maybe it`s just me and the painting looks great with the new element. Jo takes a look and comments, ``I liked it better before.`` Kiss of death. Oh man, I sink onto the floor in a depressed but meditative position and I meditate for one hour on how much I hate my painting and life, and God. How could he do this to me. All that work, all that effort, ruined. Ok, so I calmed down after a few hours and I opened my mind to the lesson of this situation. Why am I seeking approval from others, especially for my art and why am I sabotaging my results.
Ok, so it seems kinda heavy and deep considering it`s just a painting, but no, it`s very symbolic of my life. The painting was perfect and I messed with it based on what I thought other people would like, or approve of. The lesson: I ended unhappy and the people I was looking to appease, didn`t like it either.
Ok so now there is the dilemma of the painting. Do I go back over what I did and try to fix it, paint over it, clean it up and pretend it never happened. Even though I will always know and maybe even be able to see the slightest hint of a gold penetrating through the black cover paint and then risk mucking it up completely. Or do I continue with what I created and just go with it, learn from it and move on to the next painting. Sounds kinda obvious. Thank God for blogger. So was it a mistake after all. Is anything ever a mistake or are the mistakes only ever mistakes in our own mind.
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