I dreamt last night that I was caring for the child my mother had just given birth to.
I was carrying him around with me as if I was the mother.
I was pretending he was mine, but when others asked, I had to be honest that he wasn't
When I came home I saw my mother curled up on the floor, laying face down on the carpet.
She was not sleeping I knew, but wallowing, wallowing in what or why, I am not sure.
My mother has been sad since I can remember, since I was born or maybe even before.
What's funny is I feel that sadness too.
When things are quiet, or I wake up late, or I'm in between projects, I feel sad.
I'm not really sure why, but I think because my mother was sad.
It really hurts to feel this, I can feel it in my heart, my shoulders, my head and my eyes.
When I awoke from this dream this morning, I jumped up out of bed right away.
I think I jump up out bed often because I used to see my mother not really look forward to waking
in the morning. I used to be like that too, laze and melancholy and sleeping in only made it worse.
I have become the opposite. I am a self motivated crazy person that cannot stand a dull moment. Stillness, outside of meditation, for me means either laziness or failure.
I am afraid of failure.
I am afraid that I will try my very best and still fail.
Did my mom try her best, or did she lay down and feel very sad and not even try
Is this what I do when I try to sabottage myself. Sometimes I am doing so well, and then,
I get sad. I can't do anything when I get sad, I am paralyzed. Like today, all I could do was call my dad,
and tell him my troubles. All that happens when I cry on people's shoulders is they tell me what I don't want to hear. They confirm my weakness and say "oh yes, you should just give that idea up, it's not realistic." I don't know who to listen to anymore. Maybe only my inner knowing knows. Maybe I can't listen to anyone anymore, even my own mind, especially my own mind. "You are so sad Clarity", it tells me. Sad because you are a failure, because you aren't successful in the eyes of the world and you are already 27-years-old. When are you going to get a "real" job.
Momma, I love you. I know you did your best and the reason I jump out of bed every morning and put on a happy face, and meditate is for you. Because I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be sad. I see how beautiful you are. I pray that you and I will see that one day too.
Crazy, I do the same thing at times. Get sad, lay in bed, unmotivated, and can't do a thing. This happens for a while, and I feel very sad. And then after a little bit, I tell myself, "okay get going, discipline yourself and go to the gym early in the morning, and work on your music all day". And I'll get going, and then I get sad again, and it happens all over again.
ReplyDeleteIve felt sad in high school, after high school, but the times Ive felt the most sad was in college. I was super dedicated, and wanted to reach enlightenment. strict meditation and pranayama, I did everything I could do. No meat, bread, sugar, or alcohol. I felt the happiness peace and energy from the transition at first, but as I got deeper I found an abyss, a giant emptiness. Not only in my mind, but the world around me. To me I felt everything on this earth seemed completely pointless if we are not permanently overflowing with cosmic joy and power. Not like a few times ive felt pure bliss in meditation, like a breaking through into the spirit world where this is golden light and angels shooting beams of happy energy and sound across my astral body, there is understanding of everything, everything is okay. I just wanted that. I didnt get it at all. I missed many days of school and disconnected myself from schoolmates and friends. It was very severe.
So I stopped meditating. found to ignore it. Started talking to people again, and felt a lot better. But i still get sad. And something inside me told me I should have kept going after I stopped. But I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to feel sadness in order to feel joy. I don't want to make meditation a dreaded chore towards enlightenment. But I do want those rare spontaneous moments from when i did meditate. Oh life... hahaha
I wish I could come to some sort of positive conclusion, but I actually feel happy right now. :D