When I was six I was like perfect. I could bend my body into any position. I was so spiritual as a child, just being alive was a 24 hour constant meditation.
Then I turned twelve and it all changed.
Sometimes I find it funny who I have become, yoga girl east west, because my youth was so troubled and pain filled.
So there is hope for everyone.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Mistakes are only mistakes in our own minds
I started to paint recently, very recently. The first painting I did that I really liked was late one night when I smoked a little puff of this really dried out weed. Someone here in Palawan gave it to us and it hardly looked like weed but I guess that`s all they can get here. I smoked a little puff, put on some of my old tunes and got the paint set out. I very naturally drew a hand on a black canvas (the painting is posted on my blog archives as `Rainbow Colored Numerology`) and I went to town with the white paint. It flowed so easily and naturally, it felt as if my hand was being guided. I had no formal training as an artist nor did I think I could ever draw, which is why I resigned to digital art and design. I figured I would leave the real ``artists`` who drew by hand to do the real work. But since I had a good eye for composition and color, I would join the digital nerds category and draw with my mouse pad and two fingers.
So I spent a few hours in this kind of painting trance and bam, here was this painting, a real one. I was really proud and excited because I never thought that I could draw. I grew up with a super talented and artistic brother so I always figured I just had other talents, like communicating and riding bikes or whatever. So after that painting was finished, I got scared that the only reason I could draw that night was because I was stoned and then I became totally blocked from painting for several weeks. ``When am I going to be able to get some more weed so I can paint again``, this is what I was thinking.
I finally got through that and got my paints out again and it turned out, not only could I draw but this next time was even better than the first one. I got super into it and even started to experiment with different brushes and mixing colors. I felt so proud, I could now classify myself as an artist. Yipee!
So anyways, I start working on this painting and I start to realize, these paintings, they take time. After 2-3 hours I just need a break. So it turns into a week or two project to create one painting and by this time you have invested like 10-15 hours of time into it. Ok, so I hav a very active mind, and also a very business and goal oriented way of thinking so I`m already set on some sort of outcome for this piece. So I am in the final stretch, the last painting session to complete my most prized work of art thus far. I add the gold paint, the final touch and it`s perfect. I sign my name, C West down in the bottom right corner and voila, it`s finished. But..... I have this blue paint and I have an idea, I think maybe I could add one more element, I bet my brother and dad and Johan would think this was really cool. And also, there is no focal point and I remember Jo telling me you need a focal point in a painting. So hesitantly, I start to paint and I start to think. Big mistake. When I am thinking and painting, I am not painting, I am thinking and my confused thoughts come out onto the canvas. I take a step back and look at what I have just added to my perfectly beautiful painting, and I hate it. I am so upset that I leave the house and I don`t even sleep there that night. I convince Jo we should sleep at the resort tonight just so I don`t have to look at what I`ve done. I come home the next day and I show the painting to Jo, because it`s just sitting there and I start hoping maybe it`s just me and the painting looks great with the new element. Jo takes a look and comments, ``I liked it better before.`` Kiss of death. Oh man, I sink onto the floor in a depressed but meditative position and I meditate for one hour on how much I hate my painting and life, and God. How could he do this to me. All that work, all that effort, ruined. Ok, so I calmed down after a few hours and I opened my mind to the lesson of this situation. Why am I seeking approval from others, especially for my art and why am I sabotaging my results.
Ok, so it seems kinda heavy and deep considering it`s just a painting, but no, it`s very symbolic of my life. The painting was perfect and I messed with it based on what I thought other people would like, or approve of. The lesson: I ended unhappy and the people I was looking to appease, didn`t like it either.
Ok so now there is the dilemma of the painting. Do I go back over what I did and try to fix it, paint over it, clean it up and pretend it never happened. Even though I will always know and maybe even be able to see the slightest hint of a gold penetrating through the black cover paint and then risk mucking it up completely. Or do I continue with what I created and just go with it, learn from it and move on to the next painting. Sounds kinda obvious. Thank God for blogger. So was it a mistake after all. Is anything ever a mistake or are the mistakes only ever mistakes in our own mind.
.
So I spent a few hours in this kind of painting trance and bam, here was this painting, a real one. I was really proud and excited because I never thought that I could draw. I grew up with a super talented and artistic brother so I always figured I just had other talents, like communicating and riding bikes or whatever. So after that painting was finished, I got scared that the only reason I could draw that night was because I was stoned and then I became totally blocked from painting for several weeks. ``When am I going to be able to get some more weed so I can paint again``, this is what I was thinking.
I finally got through that and got my paints out again and it turned out, not only could I draw but this next time was even better than the first one. I got super into it and even started to experiment with different brushes and mixing colors. I felt so proud, I could now classify myself as an artist. Yipee!
So anyways, I start working on this painting and I start to realize, these paintings, they take time. After 2-3 hours I just need a break. So it turns into a week or two project to create one painting and by this time you have invested like 10-15 hours of time into it. Ok, so I hav a very active mind, and also a very business and goal oriented way of thinking so I`m already set on some sort of outcome for this piece. So I am in the final stretch, the last painting session to complete my most prized work of art thus far. I add the gold paint, the final touch and it`s perfect. I sign my name, C West down in the bottom right corner and voila, it`s finished. But..... I have this blue paint and I have an idea, I think maybe I could add one more element, I bet my brother and dad and Johan would think this was really cool. And also, there is no focal point and I remember Jo telling me you need a focal point in a painting. So hesitantly, I start to paint and I start to think. Big mistake. When I am thinking and painting, I am not painting, I am thinking and my confused thoughts come out onto the canvas. I take a step back and look at what I have just added to my perfectly beautiful painting, and I hate it. I am so upset that I leave the house and I don`t even sleep there that night. I convince Jo we should sleep at the resort tonight just so I don`t have to look at what I`ve done. I come home the next day and I show the painting to Jo, because it`s just sitting there and I start hoping maybe it`s just me and the painting looks great with the new element. Jo takes a look and comments, ``I liked it better before.`` Kiss of death. Oh man, I sink onto the floor in a depressed but meditative position and I meditate for one hour on how much I hate my painting and life, and God. How could he do this to me. All that work, all that effort, ruined. Ok, so I calmed down after a few hours and I opened my mind to the lesson of this situation. Why am I seeking approval from others, especially for my art and why am I sabotaging my results.
Ok, so it seems kinda heavy and deep considering it`s just a painting, but no, it`s very symbolic of my life. The painting was perfect and I messed with it based on what I thought other people would like, or approve of. The lesson: I ended unhappy and the people I was looking to appease, didn`t like it either.
Ok so now there is the dilemma of the painting. Do I go back over what I did and try to fix it, paint over it, clean it up and pretend it never happened. Even though I will always know and maybe even be able to see the slightest hint of a gold penetrating through the black cover paint and then risk mucking it up completely. Or do I continue with what I created and just go with it, learn from it and move on to the next painting. Sounds kinda obvious. Thank God for blogger. So was it a mistake after all. Is anything ever a mistake or are the mistakes only ever mistakes in our own mind.
.
Dreams do come true
Jim Rohn, a internationally known motivational speaker and businessman says that most people don`t even bother to write down want they want in life and wonder why they don`t get it. Well yesterday I took the time to write down a few things I want in my life and career.
-Truth
-Communication
-Clarity
-Focus
-Meaning
-Abundance
-Power
-Fun
-Creativity
-Impeccability
-Success
-Freedom
-Leadership
-Collaboration
-Intuition
-Attunment
-Truth
-Communication
-Clarity
-Focus
-Meaning
-Abundance
-Power
-Fun
-Creativity
-Impeccability
-Success
-Freedom
-Leadership
-Collaboration
-Intuition
-Attunment
Friday, July 22, 2011
Take a moment for thanks
Firstly, thank God for meditation. I really don't know how people can get through the day without it, especially in this society where we are constantly bombarded with stimuli. I awoke this morning full of restlessness, anxiety and doubt. I let my alarm snooze about 7 times and when I got up I was in a restless panic to get started on work and get going with the day. I had a headache and my back ached from a 6 day menstrual cycle I just recovered from. I wish that guys could experience having a period for just one day, I figure they would be a lot nicer to us if they only knew. Why my menstrual cycle was 6 days, I'm not sure but I want to describe it as similar to hell. I am very lucky though, I was able to stay home and laze around, go to the beach, swim, nude sunbath, introspect and read during those days. Not to mention I watched several movies, including Disneys "The Princess and the Frog", which is actually very scary, so beware.
Anyways, after 6 days in quiet and almost complete solitude I did a lot of introspection, which is traditionally what native women did at "moon time" as they call it. I came to some very clear and interesting conclusions.
1) Feelings are the things we are afraid to say
Who would of thought that one the hardest things I would ever do was just be able to feel my own feelings. It is so common that we say and do the exact opposite of what we are feeling. This is either to please others or because we are too afraid to acknowledge and validate what it is that we are actually wanting and needing. We judge it, we judge ourselves, that it's bad, it's wrong to have something that may contradict what others think or expect of us, mostly do to how they feel about themselves. Or we even dictate to ourselves what we do and do not deserve, self created limitations. Some things are accepted in society and others things are not, and somehow we just unconsciously bought into living in a cage of limitations when the truth is, we are limitless.
When we go into our hearts, which is the center of our emotional and physical body, we feel and we can tune into what is really going on for us. It sounds so simple doesn't it? And it is, but why are so many people disconnected from how they really feel?
When did society ever teach us to follow our heart? We are taught in school from day one, that 1+1 = 2. But 1+1 can equal 3 or 4 or 5. Why not? What I'm saying is that, our feelings are very powerful tools because it breaks us from our shell, the shell that we have allowed ourselves to be built into, the limitations of the mind.
The mind is a powerful tool when used with feeling and centerdness, but alone it can become cold and disconnected. Once we go to our heart center, we may feel that the city life is not for us anymore. We may start to feel that there are options and limitless ideas and expressions of how we can actually live life. Imagine the idea that money flows easily and effortlessly to you. Imagine letting go of the idea of working hard for money, an age old idea imposed on us by our parents and the world. Possibly, to enslave us, but possibility just from their own past limited ideas.
It is a new age, a new dawning of time and the mother energy is awakening on this planet. Her body, is awakening through earth changes and her mind is awakening in our consciousness, in our hearts. You may suddenly feel that buying into a society that cannot sustain our future generations may not be for you anymore. But you can only feel this when you go to your heart. I am feeling a big shift in my thinking because I see that many of the limitations I have struggled with are not ideas or beliefs that I created. I see my parents and my grandparents and I see their struggle. I can choose now to release that struggle and move forward in light and love, or I can choose to carry on the generational burden each of our ancestors passes on to us. I am choosing to move forward as Clarity, rather than Charity West. I am choosing to freely make decisions based on what my heart is telling me. If it doesn't make sense but it feels right, I know I can freely act and trust. But if it doesn't make sense and it doesn't feel right, I know not to act. What I'm saying is take some time, even just one whole day to be somewhere alone, in nature and tune into your heart. How do you really feel about things? Maybe the sadness you are feeling is not your own. Maybe where you are living needs to change. Maybe you are exactly where you need to be but all you need is a shift in perception, gratitude and acceptance, joy for that moment.
2) Everyone, including you is perfect right now and there are no mistakes
My mind struggles sometimes with the idea that people around me, including myself are constantly making a lot of bad choices and mistakes. When I drop this belief, which is a daily practice, I start to see everything without judgment. I actually saw that even the seeming "mistakes" turned out to be something beautiful and that God is working constantly through his creation. He really is the doer, that is not just a quaint saying. He is doing everything, all the time, through each and everyone one of his perfect creations. There is a higher power at work and I can't explain it, but there is a plan so beautiful and intricate. The best thing I can do right now is accept myself and everything that happens around me and pray that I make the best choices, for myself and others. When we stop judging, people flourish like flowers, we need to shower them silently with love and acceptance. Then we will shine because God's love is flowing through us and they will shine because silently you give them permission to be themselves. I will elaborate more on this point later. This is not gospel hour and I am not a preacher but these are some things I have been thinking about in my days upon days of seclusion. Sometimes I get lonely, but I see that seclusion is the price of greatness. It's great to be with others, and I pray for more togetherness with my spiritual bro's and sis's but I embrace this being alone. I see that it brings Clarity.
xox
Anyways, after 6 days in quiet and almost complete solitude I did a lot of introspection, which is traditionally what native women did at "moon time" as they call it. I came to some very clear and interesting conclusions.
1) Feelings are the things we are afraid to say
Who would of thought that one the hardest things I would ever do was just be able to feel my own feelings. It is so common that we say and do the exact opposite of what we are feeling. This is either to please others or because we are too afraid to acknowledge and validate what it is that we are actually wanting and needing. We judge it, we judge ourselves, that it's bad, it's wrong to have something that may contradict what others think or expect of us, mostly do to how they feel about themselves. Or we even dictate to ourselves what we do and do not deserve, self created limitations. Some things are accepted in society and others things are not, and somehow we just unconsciously bought into living in a cage of limitations when the truth is, we are limitless.
When we go into our hearts, which is the center of our emotional and physical body, we feel and we can tune into what is really going on for us. It sounds so simple doesn't it? And it is, but why are so many people disconnected from how they really feel?
When did society ever teach us to follow our heart? We are taught in school from day one, that 1+1 = 2. But 1+1 can equal 3 or 4 or 5. Why not? What I'm saying is that, our feelings are very powerful tools because it breaks us from our shell, the shell that we have allowed ourselves to be built into, the limitations of the mind.
The mind is a powerful tool when used with feeling and centerdness, but alone it can become cold and disconnected. Once we go to our heart center, we may feel that the city life is not for us anymore. We may start to feel that there are options and limitless ideas and expressions of how we can actually live life. Imagine the idea that money flows easily and effortlessly to you. Imagine letting go of the idea of working hard for money, an age old idea imposed on us by our parents and the world. Possibly, to enslave us, but possibility just from their own past limited ideas.
It is a new age, a new dawning of time and the mother energy is awakening on this planet. Her body, is awakening through earth changes and her mind is awakening in our consciousness, in our hearts. You may suddenly feel that buying into a society that cannot sustain our future generations may not be for you anymore. But you can only feel this when you go to your heart. I am feeling a big shift in my thinking because I see that many of the limitations I have struggled with are not ideas or beliefs that I created. I see my parents and my grandparents and I see their struggle. I can choose now to release that struggle and move forward in light and love, or I can choose to carry on the generational burden each of our ancestors passes on to us. I am choosing to move forward as Clarity, rather than Charity West. I am choosing to freely make decisions based on what my heart is telling me. If it doesn't make sense but it feels right, I know I can freely act and trust. But if it doesn't make sense and it doesn't feel right, I know not to act. What I'm saying is take some time, even just one whole day to be somewhere alone, in nature and tune into your heart. How do you really feel about things? Maybe the sadness you are feeling is not your own. Maybe where you are living needs to change. Maybe you are exactly where you need to be but all you need is a shift in perception, gratitude and acceptance, joy for that moment.
2) Everyone, including you is perfect right now and there are no mistakes
My mind struggles sometimes with the idea that people around me, including myself are constantly making a lot of bad choices and mistakes. When I drop this belief, which is a daily practice, I start to see everything without judgment. I actually saw that even the seeming "mistakes" turned out to be something beautiful and that God is working constantly through his creation. He really is the doer, that is not just a quaint saying. He is doing everything, all the time, through each and everyone one of his perfect creations. There is a higher power at work and I can't explain it, but there is a plan so beautiful and intricate. The best thing I can do right now is accept myself and everything that happens around me and pray that I make the best choices, for myself and others. When we stop judging, people flourish like flowers, we need to shower them silently with love and acceptance. Then we will shine because God's love is flowing through us and they will shine because silently you give them permission to be themselves. I will elaborate more on this point later. This is not gospel hour and I am not a preacher but these are some things I have been thinking about in my days upon days of seclusion. Sometimes I get lonely, but I see that seclusion is the price of greatness. It's great to be with others, and I pray for more togetherness with my spiritual bro's and sis's but I embrace this being alone. I see that it brings Clarity.
xox
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Ultimate Surrender
Below is e-mail corespondance between me and Tom, a spiritual adviser/healer/modern day shaman friend of mine. Thought it may help.
Hi Tom
Is it just me but I seem to be getting very confused lately with making decisions.
So many people are telling me so many different things, makes me wonder,
who is creator telling me something and who is just testing me or sharing their own opinion??
'
I have been going back and forth for a month deciding whether or not to go to South Dakota and Sundance.
Then I started to feel, maybe I could dance at Ma-I, alone, just creator and I.
and have support from friends here.
But then, I am discouraged from a very close friend of mine, who is native and also a Sundancer.
People are telling me to be realistic, but for me, I'm not even sure what realistic is anymore, aren't all things possible.
What is right or wrong?
I asked my guides, should I go. They told me "you don't have to, but you can". I felt this was clear, but also unclear. Haha
Is this issue to do with my personal power?
I feel there is going to come a big lesson of all this back and forth.
Needing more clarity.
Much love to you,
Clarity
So many people are telling me so many different things, makes me wonder,
who is creator telling me something and who is just testing me or sharing their own opinion??
'
I have been going back and forth for a month deciding whether or not to go to South Dakota and Sundance.
Then I started to feel, maybe I could dance at Ma-I, alone, just creator and I.
and have support from friends here.
But then, I am discouraged from a very close friend of mine, who is native and also a Sundancer.
People are telling me to be realistic, but for me, I'm not even sure what realistic is anymore, aren't all things possible.
What is right or wrong?
I asked my guides, should I go. They told me "you don't have to, but you can". I felt this was clear, but also unclear. Haha
Is this issue to do with my personal power?
I feel there is going to come a big lesson of all this back and forth.
Needing more clarity.
Much love to you,
Clarity
Dear Clarity,
Welcome to the world of the uncertain!
Welcome to the world of the uncertain!
Part of the game of being human is experiencing constant uncertainty, and learning to live comfortably with that. The spirits respect our journey into separation and limit their interference. The answer you got when you prayed about going to S. Dakota is perfect... "you don't have to go, but you can." This is how much of my answers come. What they are saying very clearly is... "going if fine, not going is fine, there is no right answer."
You are also correct in your idea to stay in Maia since that exploration could lead to a process we could use there for other people who are extreme in their soul searching. Keep in mind that all this searching can be such a coverup, a tranquilizer to keep you from just being where you are, feeling what you are feeling, and accepting the human condition you call Clarity.
Guru's, teachers, saints, mystics can be just as trapped in the illusion of this world as anyone else, just at another level.
You are also correct in your idea to stay in Maia since that exploration could lead to a process we could use there for other people who are extreme in their soul searching. Keep in mind that all this searching can be such a coverup, a tranquilizer to keep you from just being where you are, feeling what you are feeling, and accepting the human condition you call Clarity.
Guru's, teachers, saints, mystics can be just as trapped in the illusion of this world as anyone else, just at another level.
There is no ultimate "Truth" just perspectives that can be very contradictive and confusing. If you decide to go to S. Dakota, do it because you enjoy it, and not to find something you think is missing in you. If you change in some measurable way, it is probably only a change in perspectives, not some profound awakening to an ultimate truth that doesn't exist... "from my perspective."
Keeping looking at yourself, not from judgment but to expand your self awareness. It is not the answers, but the questions that open us up for a better look. I believe we are here in the human condition to experience the uncertainty, the fear, pain, betrayal, longing, confusion, worry and peace, bliss, happiness, passion, pleasure and many other things. What are we all running away from, or looking for? We came here to for THIS!
Our addictive personalities and social conditioning has people looking for the good and the pleasant, while avoiding the bad and unpleasant.
Resisting what IS, is where all the pain comes from. Consider an "Unconditional Surrender" to what IS. That is the moment of power and awareness.
Hold this and everything else... LIGHTLY!
LOVES
Picture attached that I did a few years ago. "The journey is the destination"
PS... Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. You are reminding me what I went through and what I have learned. What I say to you, I am only reminding myself of.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I believe
I want to say that I believe.
I believe it's all inside you, all the answers, strip it down and see the light, coming through the cracks.
I believe it takes a moment, just to know it, listen to the wind.
Let go of the fear, let go everything, love will find you.
Let go of everything. Love will find you. - ATB
I believe it's all inside you, all the answers, strip it down and see the light, coming through the cracks.
I believe it takes a moment, just to know it, listen to the wind.
Let go of the fear, let go everything, love will find you.
Let go of everything. Love will find you. - ATB
Free will and choice
Why did God give us free will, the ability to choose?
Sometimes I wish he hadn't.
I apologize that my posts have been uncharacteristically dark the last few days, I am venting.
It seems to me that everyone in my life seems to have an idea of what I should and should not do in my life.
Why is it that just recently this has started to get on my nerves?
Has it always been like this, is it like this for everyone else in the world? I imagine it must not only be me.
Family, friends, spiritual teachers, society, the churches, religion, everyone but me has an idea of what I should be doing with my life.
I think why it has started to bother me is I am finally realizing that my life has not been led by me all these years. My life has been directed according to the dictates of others likes, dislikes and personal beliefs, primarily my family and of course, the notorious Catholic Church. Sorry grandma but I'm counting that you will never ever read this blog. I have been living as a people pleaser, which sounds insane because I have been living so unconventionally. It may appear to some that I am living very freely, creatively and powerfully, but not so. I have been holding back. I have been holding back for fear of disapproval, for fear of people "talking", for fear of not looking "good", whatever that means. Basically I have been trying to fit in and live and ordinary life, for my standards, compared to the life I know I can have.
But what does this all mean? These are all realizations I have had before and I haven't seen much change. Are there sprouts in the earth, unknown to me, waiting to burst into full potential at any moment? Maybe. I sure hope so. Recently, it has come to a pinnacle for me. I am so sick of everyone's advice and opinions of what they think I should do as all it has left me is a head full of confusion and misery. I know without a doubt that there is a voice of stillness somewhere inside my crazed head and sometimes when I let go and even give up, it comes out.
Ok, so who cares if you get to fly home to Vancouver and go to Sundance, or you stay here and you fast and pray in the Philippines. Like a wise old monk, whatever comes, let it come. The divine kitten is placed wherever the mother puts her.
I am just so sad sometimes because I really want to make the right decision. I know life is about choice, that we can choose, but I want to make the right choice. Is it about trusting my choice? What if I want to choose chocolate but I know chocolate will make me constipated and I like Vanilla and it doesn't cause me suffering, but it's not as satisfying as chocolate. Then what? This is some landmark education coming out. They basically say choose chocolate or vanilla. If someone is to ask you "why did you choose that", your reply would be "because I choose chocolate", or "because I choose vanilla". No reason or explanation, you just make a choice and you go with it. Ok, so my little sister, who is very much like me, in every way. She is having a hard time choosing between taking writing or music in college, because she likes both and she is unsure about making the right choice. But I see it clearly for her, unlike myself. Either one she chooses is good and will lead her somewhere great, it doesn't matter which one really, just make a choice just to make a choice. We are faced with hundreds of decisions every day, mostly small ones, like what should I eat or put on today. If we got stuck on each and every choice, life would just pass us by. Maybe by thinking to much rather than just choosing, we are letting really big things pass us by, like our life.
Ok, so maybe I can just go off and be by myself tomorrow morning, do some yoga, meditate, swim, calm my body and mind. I can sit and feel, what do I WANT TO DO. Separate from every one else, separate from what I think the "right" choice is. Anyways what about responsibility and duty? Just want to throw a wrench in there. Does anyone have any advices?
Sometimes I wish he hadn't.
I apologize that my posts have been uncharacteristically dark the last few days, I am venting.
It seems to me that everyone in my life seems to have an idea of what I should and should not do in my life.
Why is it that just recently this has started to get on my nerves?
Has it always been like this, is it like this for everyone else in the world? I imagine it must not only be me.
Family, friends, spiritual teachers, society, the churches, religion, everyone but me has an idea of what I should be doing with my life.
I think why it has started to bother me is I am finally realizing that my life has not been led by me all these years. My life has been directed according to the dictates of others likes, dislikes and personal beliefs, primarily my family and of course, the notorious Catholic Church. Sorry grandma but I'm counting that you will never ever read this blog. I have been living as a people pleaser, which sounds insane because I have been living so unconventionally. It may appear to some that I am living very freely, creatively and powerfully, but not so. I have been holding back. I have been holding back for fear of disapproval, for fear of people "talking", for fear of not looking "good", whatever that means. Basically I have been trying to fit in and live and ordinary life, for my standards, compared to the life I know I can have.
But what does this all mean? These are all realizations I have had before and I haven't seen much change. Are there sprouts in the earth, unknown to me, waiting to burst into full potential at any moment? Maybe. I sure hope so. Recently, it has come to a pinnacle for me. I am so sick of everyone's advice and opinions of what they think I should do as all it has left me is a head full of confusion and misery. I know without a doubt that there is a voice of stillness somewhere inside my crazed head and sometimes when I let go and even give up, it comes out.
Ok, so who cares if you get to fly home to Vancouver and go to Sundance, or you stay here and you fast and pray in the Philippines. Like a wise old monk, whatever comes, let it come. The divine kitten is placed wherever the mother puts her.
I am just so sad sometimes because I really want to make the right decision. I know life is about choice, that we can choose, but I want to make the right choice. Is it about trusting my choice? What if I want to choose chocolate but I know chocolate will make me constipated and I like Vanilla and it doesn't cause me suffering, but it's not as satisfying as chocolate. Then what? This is some landmark education coming out. They basically say choose chocolate or vanilla. If someone is to ask you "why did you choose that", your reply would be "because I choose chocolate", or "because I choose vanilla". No reason or explanation, you just make a choice and you go with it. Ok, so my little sister, who is very much like me, in every way. She is having a hard time choosing between taking writing or music in college, because she likes both and she is unsure about making the right choice. But I see it clearly for her, unlike myself. Either one she chooses is good and will lead her somewhere great, it doesn't matter which one really, just make a choice just to make a choice. We are faced with hundreds of decisions every day, mostly small ones, like what should I eat or put on today. If we got stuck on each and every choice, life would just pass us by. Maybe by thinking to much rather than just choosing, we are letting really big things pass us by, like our life.
Ok, so maybe I can just go off and be by myself tomorrow morning, do some yoga, meditate, swim, calm my body and mind. I can sit and feel, what do I WANT TO DO. Separate from every one else, separate from what I think the "right" choice is. Anyways what about responsibility and duty? Just want to throw a wrench in there. Does anyone have any advices?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dreamtime
I dreamt last night that I was caring for the child my mother had just given birth to.
I was carrying him around with me as if I was the mother.
I was pretending he was mine, but when others asked, I had to be honest that he wasn't
When I came home I saw my mother curled up on the floor, laying face down on the carpet.
She was not sleeping I knew, but wallowing, wallowing in what or why, I am not sure.
My mother has been sad since I can remember, since I was born or maybe even before.
What's funny is I feel that sadness too.
When things are quiet, or I wake up late, or I'm in between projects, I feel sad.
I'm not really sure why, but I think because my mother was sad.
It really hurts to feel this, I can feel it in my heart, my shoulders, my head and my eyes.
When I awoke from this dream this morning, I jumped up out of bed right away.
I think I jump up out bed often because I used to see my mother not really look forward to waking
in the morning. I used to be like that too, laze and melancholy and sleeping in only made it worse.
I have become the opposite. I am a self motivated crazy person that cannot stand a dull moment. Stillness, outside of meditation, for me means either laziness or failure.
I am afraid of failure.
I am afraid that I will try my very best and still fail.
Did my mom try her best, or did she lay down and feel very sad and not even try
Is this what I do when I try to sabottage myself. Sometimes I am doing so well, and then,
I get sad. I can't do anything when I get sad, I am paralyzed. Like today, all I could do was call my dad,
and tell him my troubles. All that happens when I cry on people's shoulders is they tell me what I don't want to hear. They confirm my weakness and say "oh yes, you should just give that idea up, it's not realistic." I don't know who to listen to anymore. Maybe only my inner knowing knows. Maybe I can't listen to anyone anymore, even my own mind, especially my own mind. "You are so sad Clarity", it tells me. Sad because you are a failure, because you aren't successful in the eyes of the world and you are already 27-years-old. When are you going to get a "real" job.
Momma, I love you. I know you did your best and the reason I jump out of bed every morning and put on a happy face, and meditate is for you. Because I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be sad. I see how beautiful you are. I pray that you and I will see that one day too.
I was carrying him around with me as if I was the mother.
I was pretending he was mine, but when others asked, I had to be honest that he wasn't
When I came home I saw my mother curled up on the floor, laying face down on the carpet.
She was not sleeping I knew, but wallowing, wallowing in what or why, I am not sure.
My mother has been sad since I can remember, since I was born or maybe even before.
What's funny is I feel that sadness too.
When things are quiet, or I wake up late, or I'm in between projects, I feel sad.
I'm not really sure why, but I think because my mother was sad.
It really hurts to feel this, I can feel it in my heart, my shoulders, my head and my eyes.
When I awoke from this dream this morning, I jumped up out of bed right away.
I think I jump up out bed often because I used to see my mother not really look forward to waking
in the morning. I used to be like that too, laze and melancholy and sleeping in only made it worse.
I have become the opposite. I am a self motivated crazy person that cannot stand a dull moment. Stillness, outside of meditation, for me means either laziness or failure.
I am afraid of failure.
I am afraid that I will try my very best and still fail.
Did my mom try her best, or did she lay down and feel very sad and not even try
Is this what I do when I try to sabottage myself. Sometimes I am doing so well, and then,
I get sad. I can't do anything when I get sad, I am paralyzed. Like today, all I could do was call my dad,
and tell him my troubles. All that happens when I cry on people's shoulders is they tell me what I don't want to hear. They confirm my weakness and say "oh yes, you should just give that idea up, it's not realistic." I don't know who to listen to anymore. Maybe only my inner knowing knows. Maybe I can't listen to anyone anymore, even my own mind, especially my own mind. "You are so sad Clarity", it tells me. Sad because you are a failure, because you aren't successful in the eyes of the world and you are already 27-years-old. When are you going to get a "real" job.
Momma, I love you. I know you did your best and the reason I jump out of bed every morning and put on a happy face, and meditate is for you. Because I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be sad. I see how beautiful you are. I pray that you and I will see that one day too.
Potentially perfect
Why am I so afraid of life?
Why am I so afraid of what I could become.
Why am I afraid of happiness.
Why am I afraid to make a choice, to take a risk.
Why do I tell others they are prefect and beautiful and supported
and then not believe it myself.
Why do I pray and commune with God every morning
but feel like a failure in his creation.
Why do I only reach out when I am weak.
Why do I hide myself from others.
Why don't I feel I need friends, but miss them at the same time.
Why do I isolate myself.
My heart aches today because I love my lord,
but sometimes, I have a hard time with his creation.
I am scared to be hurt again and again by his children,
from small remarks, or an unkind glance.
Why do I allow myself to be so sensitive, to be vulnerable
with the wrong people.
Why do I care so much, why do I worry so much.
I want redemption. I don't want to be controlled by this material world.
I want freedom, I want peace.
Please help me.
i need some Clarity
Why am I so afraid of what I could become.
Why am I afraid of happiness.
Why am I afraid to make a choice, to take a risk.
Why do I tell others they are prefect and beautiful and supported
and then not believe it myself.
Why do I pray and commune with God every morning
but feel like a failure in his creation.
Why do I only reach out when I am weak.
Why do I hide myself from others.
Why don't I feel I need friends, but miss them at the same time.
Why do I isolate myself.
My heart aches today because I love my lord,
but sometimes, I have a hard time with his creation.
I am scared to be hurt again and again by his children,
from small remarks, or an unkind glance.
Why do I allow myself to be so sensitive, to be vulnerable
with the wrong people.
Why do I care so much, why do I worry so much.
I want redemption. I don't want to be controlled by this material world.
I want freedom, I want peace.
Please help me.
i need some Clarity
Just have faith
Everything I want, I'm afraid to grab
and everything I have, I'm afraid to lose.
Why do I feel like such a loser when people ask me, "so what have you been up to",
or "how have you been making money lately".
If I replied honestly:
"Well, I have been living on faith and trust, day to day serving
as I feel called and directed. Today, I planted in the garden, the day before, I painted.
Next month I may host some people to enjoy nature, I may also take a trip to do some healing work.
In August I will fast and pray for four days".
Why do I feel like cringing, like hiding, or lying or even worse, justifying.
I haven't really been "making" money persay, it just kind of flows to me when I need it.
In large amounts when called for and small amounts other times.
Really, I usually don't worry about it and it flows
and when I do worry about it, it doesn't flow.
I read today in a book that prosperity is the "consciousness" of abundance.
And poverty is the "consciousness" of lack. To be happy within our means is true abundance.
So it really is in the mind. If I can be happy living within my means, which are limited according
to my faith in God, I will always have an abundant life if I just have faith.
What is having faith though. How can I just have faith?
What is the right answer and why am I always getting confused when it comes to making a decision?
Is my name not Clarity?
Why can't I just trust that I can make the right decision. Why do I have to figure everything out all the time.
It seems one day I am so clear and sure of what I want and the next day, it all changes. What is the right decision? I was so sure I was going home to Sundance, so sure. And then today I fall into a pool of self pity, and I'm like that's it, I'm not going. Everyone around me is convincing me, against it.
I feel like they are advising me based on their thinking and what is best for them, not what is best for me. Are they messangers from God or is that a test to my resolve. But is that my mind coming in!
Just have faith I told my sister on the phone today.
Just have faith.
Just have faith.
Just have faith.
Just have faith that whatever happens, is the best thing. We have to make choices, but just have faith, that whatever comes, is the best thing.
and everything I have, I'm afraid to lose.
Why do I feel like such a loser when people ask me, "so what have you been up to",
or "how have you been making money lately".
If I replied honestly:
"Well, I have been living on faith and trust, day to day serving
as I feel called and directed. Today, I planted in the garden, the day before, I painted.
Next month I may host some people to enjoy nature, I may also take a trip to do some healing work.
In August I will fast and pray for four days".
Why do I feel like cringing, like hiding, or lying or even worse, justifying.
I haven't really been "making" money persay, it just kind of flows to me when I need it.
In large amounts when called for and small amounts other times.
Really, I usually don't worry about it and it flows
and when I do worry about it, it doesn't flow.
I read today in a book that prosperity is the "consciousness" of abundance.
And poverty is the "consciousness" of lack. To be happy within our means is true abundance.
So it really is in the mind. If I can be happy living within my means, which are limited according
to my faith in God, I will always have an abundant life if I just have faith.
What is having faith though. How can I just have faith?
What is the right answer and why am I always getting confused when it comes to making a decision?
Is my name not Clarity?
Why can't I just trust that I can make the right decision. Why do I have to figure everything out all the time.
It seems one day I am so clear and sure of what I want and the next day, it all changes. What is the right decision? I was so sure I was going home to Sundance, so sure. And then today I fall into a pool of self pity, and I'm like that's it, I'm not going. Everyone around me is convincing me, against it.
I feel like they are advising me based on their thinking and what is best for them, not what is best for me. Are they messangers from God or is that a test to my resolve. But is that my mind coming in!
Just have faith I told my sister on the phone today.
Just have faith.
Just have faith.
Just have faith.
Just have faith that whatever happens, is the best thing. We have to make choices, but just have faith, that whatever comes, is the best thing.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
It's ma birfday
So I woke up this morning on my friend's sailboat. I stretched and went outside to thank God for bringing me into the world 27 years ago today. I feel very blessed.
I enjoyed everything I did today.
All the messages my friends were sending me were telling me to enjoy and celebrate, although my plan was just to work and treat it as a normal day. Then I got locked out of the house. Okay, I'll take that as a sign.
I finally let go.
I talked to my beautiful sister Melody on Skype, I cried out of release, I had a nap. I ate mangoes, cocconut and jackfruit, I ate Oreo cookies and toast even though I'm gluten free. I went kayaking with Jo and snorkeled around the reefs. I watched the most beautiful purple jellyfish, gracefully glide through the water. I read my birthday greetings on Facebook and thought it was funny that people I don't even know wished me happy birthdays. I got a meditation bench !! Johan made me a beautiful cherry wood bench perfectly sized for me, I was so shocked and knew God was good. No more suffering through lotus posture. I received a card with a picture of AnandaMoyi Ma, my favorite saint, it reads: "Hello my divine kitten".
I feel very blessed today and it's not even officially my birthday since technically I was born in Vancouver and it is still the 5th there. I want to feel special everyday, like it's my birthday everyday of the year and I can always enjoy every moment to the fullest. I want to live without pressure from myself or expectations. I want to be....here....now.
Even though I ate all that gluten and my brain feels a little sluggish, I'm glad I decided to have fun. Thanks to God.
I enjoyed everything I did today.
All the messages my friends were sending me were telling me to enjoy and celebrate, although my plan was just to work and treat it as a normal day. Then I got locked out of the house. Okay, I'll take that as a sign.
I finally let go.
I talked to my beautiful sister Melody on Skype, I cried out of release, I had a nap. I ate mangoes, cocconut and jackfruit, I ate Oreo cookies and toast even though I'm gluten free. I went kayaking with Jo and snorkeled around the reefs. I watched the most beautiful purple jellyfish, gracefully glide through the water. I read my birthday greetings on Facebook and thought it was funny that people I don't even know wished me happy birthdays. I got a meditation bench !! Johan made me a beautiful cherry wood bench perfectly sized for me, I was so shocked and knew God was good. No more suffering through lotus posture. I received a card with a picture of AnandaMoyi Ma, my favorite saint, it reads: "Hello my divine kitten".
I feel very blessed today and it's not even officially my birthday since technically I was born in Vancouver and it is still the 5th there. I want to feel special everyday, like it's my birthday everyday of the year and I can always enjoy every moment to the fullest. I want to live without pressure from myself or expectations. I want to be....here....now.
Even though I ate all that gluten and my brain feels a little sluggish, I'm glad I decided to have fun. Thanks to God.
Monday, July 4, 2011
My 27th Birthday
Mo Money Mo blank
The following is based on a conversation Johan and I had while discussing some issues around money.
Noticing that everyone around us, including ourselves, were reacting emotionally when it came to money,we decided to try and break it down to find the truth. We are still searching. If you have any answers, please share with us.
Money is a made up thing that no one knows about.
It’s an energy that we were never really taught to use.
Some people grab it, some people want to stay away from it ,but mostly people are just confused about it.
But the few who know about it are hoarding it,
Coincidentally they are the one’s who created it. - Johan
When we were kids, we were generally taught that it’s not good to ask for money because it means that you are “greedy” or you are bad for taking money from others. Or it's not a spiritual or religious thing to have money, we can't ask for what we need or want, we are just supposed to wait till it is handed to us. Is this really a spiritual way, where is the balance??- Clarity
As spiritual beings we’re just learning how to use this money energy.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Alot going on lately
Is it just me, or is everything suddenly getting a little bit intense on planet earth.
I'm not sure whether to build a career or a bomb shelter.
I want to travel, go to school, educate myself, create and sell art.
But at the same time, are those skills going to help me plant a garden, grow food, or build a home in the country.
I am two persons, conflicted.
I am four persons battling: me, my heart, God, and my partner.
I'm not sure whether to build a career or a bomb shelter.
I want to travel, go to school, educate myself, create and sell art.
But at the same time, are those skills going to help me plant a garden, grow food, or build a home in the country.
I am two persons, conflicted.
I am four persons battling: me, my heart, God, and my partner.
Matters of the heart
When you're closed.... you're closed.
When you're open... you're open to everything.
That's why people love to be in love.
When the heart is open we are open to everything in life; ourselves, our partner, our surroundings...God.
I want to be open.
I want to live life in love.
When you're open... you're open to everything.
That's why people love to be in love.
When the heart is open we are open to everything in life; ourselves, our partner, our surroundings...God.
I want to be open.
I want to live life in love.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Talikwas
Talikwas...how can I describe thee?
Recently, we had the privilege of having a very wise monk come stay with us at Talikwas. He gave a discourse on yoga philosophy as well as led us in yoga asanas. He is part of the Ananda Marga organization and has been a monk and devotee for thirty years, he is also the personal meditation teacher for Tiger Woods.
The monk who is called Dada Atma, describes Talikwas as "a very tantric place." I asked him to describe what he meant. He said that this spot called Talikwas is a very energetic place and a wonderful place to meditate. There is much abundance and magic here.
Talikwas - is a tagalog (Philippine) word for unfolding from within - and is a home for healing, yoga, relaxation and rejuvenation. Lucia "Ciay" Misa created this spot, nestled in a marine reserve in April of 2004 and named it Talikwas. Ciay had the dream of hosting an island haven for artists who are in constant need of inspiration and rejuvenation.
The epitome of yoga is self discovery, unfolding of our true God essence, from the inside out.
Talikwas is a place where we can take time to slow life down, enjoy nature and go inward, exploring our spirituality.
The simple but beautiful retreat is located in El Nido on the island of Palawan, Philippines. Surrounded by nature, Talikwas is located on stunning limestone cliffs that merge sky, ocean and earth. The goddess lives here.
Since coming to Talikwas over a month ago, I have experienced a deep healing within my self and an awakening of my inner power and creativity. Every evening from my balcony, I look up to the starry sky and I thank God that I am able to serve here. I feel very blessed.
My partner Johan and I came here to Palawan with the intention of sharing yoga, meditation, healing foods and also integrating those things into a natural setting. We believe that we don't have to do much besides let God and mother nature flow through us, she always guides us where we need to be. Life becomes a lot simpler in this way when we can surrender to her flow.
Since I arrived in the Philippines so much new found energy has come through me. I feel the spirit of this land is a beautiful earth mother, flowing and moving through all. Recently, I was introduced to a Philippine shaman or baylan as they are called here. His name is Pi Villaraza and he has started a community and healing center called Bahay Kalipay - house of happiness, along with his beautiful partner and raw food chef, Daniw Arazola. I experienced a deep healing from Pi's healing process called the "Inner Dance" which he discovered spontaneously while living on nothin but cocconuts for 2 years on a deserted island in the Philippines. My body, mind and spirit experienced a freedom and an expression I never knew was possible and this all happened over 3 days at his retreat center, located only 5 hours South of here.
I never expected to find this place when I arrived here but I'm glad that I did and I know spirit called me here for a reason. After this healing many things started to shift and open in my life, parts of me I never knew existed began to break free. I started to paint, to dance spontaneously and the joy of life awakened from deep within me. My desire to live closer to nature grew stronger and like a flame being fanned, my heart exploded with the desire to heal and share healing with others. Once you find it, you want it for everybody. Since meeting Pi, Johan (my partner) and I have become more and more involved in the community and fully support them in their mission.
Our intention now is to share the healing of Bahai Kalipay's detox center which offers Inner Dance, raw food detox as well as the opportunity to meet and connect with various healers and spiritual people. After experiencing Inner Dancer, we would like to invite retreatants to visit Talikwas and enjoy the peace and serenity of the natural surroundings. Talikwas is a wonderful place to enjoy time for meditation, guided yoga classes, nature trips, personal retreat and to eat energizing, live foods.
At Bahay Kalipay and Talikwas, raw food is a major part of the detox and healing program. Eating raw allows us to lighten our bodies which also lightens our minds, opening us up to becoming more receptive to spirit and energy. You will find that raw food is is some of the most delicious and satisfying food you will ever eat and the amount of energy you get from it is very tangible. It is always fun to see what kind of raw creations we can create and how much tastier they are than there cooked counterpart. My favorites which I picked up from Bahay Kalipay are raw lasagna, raw chocolate mint ice cream, and raw pad thai. All meals are natural, vegetarian, dairy free and gluten free and made with love.
What I love about the Philippines:
I love riding on the back of the tricycle (motorcycle) with my flip flops barely hanging onto my feet, zipping across the coastal roads. I love the warm, damp air blowing on my bare shoulders. I love getting up in the morning, twisting my hair into a bun and looking out on the ocean from my balcony. I love to go to town and not worry about how I look. I love eating banana after banana after banana without feeling guilty. I love how soft my skin feels from the moist air and I love lathering fresh aloe vera on it after a golden day in the sun. I love Saturday mornings at the market, picking out the many cocconuts, papaya, pineapple, avacado, jackfruit and never having to worry about the price because it is so inexpensive here. I love tasting fruits new fruits, like jackfruit which tastes like bubble gum and guyabano which tastes like avacado, pear pudding. I love this morning how I woke up and picked two beautiful papaya right from the tree. I love never having to wear shoes or socks. I like that nature has just become a normal part of my life and when I am away from it, I notice.
Please feel free to contact us for further details on personal retreats or up coming group retreats.
If you would like to arrange your own healing workshop or retreat at Talikwas or Bahay Kalipay:
Talikwas
yogagirleastwest@gmail.com or
yogapalawan@gmail.com
Bahay Kalipay
http://www.bahaykalipay.com/
To learn more about Lucia "Ciay" Misa and "soft-belly yoga"
http://www.talikwas.com/
Recently, we had the privilege of having a very wise monk come stay with us at Talikwas. He gave a discourse on yoga philosophy as well as led us in yoga asanas. He is part of the Ananda Marga organization and has been a monk and devotee for thirty years, he is also the personal meditation teacher for Tiger Woods.
 |
| Talikwas is a healing place, an abundant place |
Talikwas - is a tagalog (Philippine) word for unfolding from within - and is a home for healing, yoga, relaxation and rejuvenation. Lucia "Ciay" Misa created this spot, nestled in a marine reserve in April of 2004 and named it Talikwas. Ciay had the dream of hosting an island haven for artists who are in constant need of inspiration and rejuvenation.
The epitome of yoga is self discovery, unfolding of our true God essence, from the inside out.
Talikwas is a place where we can take time to slow life down, enjoy nature and go inward, exploring our spirituality.
The simple but beautiful retreat is located in El Nido on the island of Palawan, Philippines. Surrounded by nature, Talikwas is located on stunning limestone cliffs that merge sky, ocean and earth. The goddess lives here.
Since coming to Talikwas over a month ago, I have experienced a deep healing within my self and an awakening of my inner power and creativity. Every evening from my balcony, I look up to the starry sky and I thank God that I am able to serve here. I feel very blessed.My partner Johan and I came here to Palawan with the intention of sharing yoga, meditation, healing foods and also integrating those things into a natural setting. We believe that we don't have to do much besides let God and mother nature flow through us, she always guides us where we need to be. Life becomes a lot simpler in this way when we can surrender to her flow.
Since I arrived in the Philippines so much new found energy has come through me. I feel the spirit of this land is a beautiful earth mother, flowing and moving through all. Recently, I was introduced to a Philippine shaman or baylan as they are called here. His name is Pi Villaraza and he has started a community and healing center called Bahay Kalipay - house of happiness, along with his beautiful partner and raw food chef, Daniw Arazola. I experienced a deep healing from Pi's healing process called the "Inner Dance" which he discovered spontaneously while living on nothin but cocconuts for 2 years on a deserted island in the Philippines. My body, mind and spirit experienced a freedom and an expression I never knew was possible and this all happened over 3 days at his retreat center, located only 5 hours South of here.
I never expected to find this place when I arrived here but I'm glad that I did and I know spirit called me here for a reason. After this healing many things started to shift and open in my life, parts of me I never knew existed began to break free. I started to paint, to dance spontaneously and the joy of life awakened from deep within me. My desire to live closer to nature grew stronger and like a flame being fanned, my heart exploded with the desire to heal and share healing with others. Once you find it, you want it for everybody. Since meeting Pi, Johan (my partner) and I have become more and more involved in the community and fully support them in their mission.Our intention now is to share the healing of Bahai Kalipay's detox center which offers Inner Dance, raw food detox as well as the opportunity to meet and connect with various healers and spiritual people. After experiencing Inner Dancer, we would like to invite retreatants to visit Talikwas and enjoy the peace and serenity of the natural surroundings. Talikwas is a wonderful place to enjoy time for meditation, guided yoga classes, nature trips, personal retreat and to eat energizing, live foods.
 |
| A tasty meal at Bahai Kalipay |
 |
| Ciay Misa performing a deep back bend on the cliffs |
I love riding on the back of the tricycle (motorcycle) with my flip flops barely hanging onto my feet, zipping across the coastal roads. I love the warm, damp air blowing on my bare shoulders. I love getting up in the morning, twisting my hair into a bun and looking out on the ocean from my balcony. I love to go to town and not worry about how I look. I love eating banana after banana after banana without feeling guilty. I love how soft my skin feels from the moist air and I love lathering fresh aloe vera on it after a golden day in the sun. I love Saturday mornings at the market, picking out the many cocconuts, papaya, pineapple, avacado, jackfruit and never having to worry about the price because it is so inexpensive here. I love tasting fruits new fruits, like jackfruit which tastes like bubble gum and guyabano which tastes like avacado, pear pudding. I love this morning how I woke up and picked two beautiful papaya right from the tree. I love never having to wear shoes or socks. I like that nature has just become a normal part of my life and when I am away from it, I notice.
Please feel free to contact us for further details on personal retreats or up coming group retreats.
If you would like to arrange your own healing workshop or retreat at Talikwas or Bahay Kalipay:
Talikwas
yogagirleastwest@gmail.com or
yogapalawan@gmail.com
Bahay Kalipay
http://www.bahaykalipay.com/
To learn more about Lucia "Ciay" Misa and "soft-belly yoga"
http://www.talikwas.com/
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