Advice from a friend

Here's what I would tell myself if I were my best friend talking to me.

It's going to be ok. Going somewhere else is not going to make you happy, but sometimes you do need a break and sometimes you may also need to switch the situation. You are okay. As you become more and more conscious, you are becoming aware of more and more in yourself that does not work or serve you . That small voice in your head that says you are doing it wrong, backwards, not good enough; you don't need to heed that voice any longer. You hear it now, so it is loosing it's power. It may feel really tough right now, like you don't want to go on, or you can't. It is worth it. You will see, one day you will look back, and that day will be soon. You will know it was all worthwhile and you will think about how those were some of the best times of your life. Not because they were easy and fun, but because you got to know yourself and you got to grow through it all. Sometimes you feel very alone, and you wish you had someone there to talk to. You do, always, you can always talk to me. I am your best friend, I am you, I am your highest self, I am your guru. You are never alone. It's going to be all right. Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time and love yourself. No matter who does or doesn't, love yourself and know that you deserve always to be happy. Don't let anyone's words or actions convince you otherwise. You are a child of God and to that extent, you are always entitled to joy and peace. Follow that still voice in your heart but make sure it is that still voice. Then, when you hear it, listen to it and don't sacrifice it for anyone. That is my advice to you my dear friend.

Subjective reality

Why do they gotta make it so tough on themselves. On themselves and other people. As if life has to be hard, a struggle, a push, a shove, a grown up's world. What is wrong with kindness. Aren't we all seeking it? So why is it so hard, just to offer a little kindness, even when we don't have to. I want to stand there every morning in the circle and just enjoy the love there that is present. It's hard to watch sometimes as people put on their mask. How to stay strong on not pull out my own. To hide behind a false joke, something unreal and unnatural. I want to be in myself no matter what anyone else is doing around me.That is it. 

Yesterday I had a marvelous day where I just felt me. I felt myself. I was myself. I went out into the world and I was MYSELF. I did not need to put on any pretense or make-up, real or figurative. I enjoyed it so much, I felt like I spent the whole afternoon with God because I was just spending it with myself. Unplanned, unstructured, free-flowing but also, just simple. Just nice. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I felt relaxed. It's been awhile since I have felt that feeling. Especially since coming to Ananda. But I guess inner relaxation does come, eventually. I went to get a tea and I drove through the pelting rain down a country road. I picked up my friend Brooke at Laurelwood and we went to Portland. We planned to go do yoga and eat raw food, which upon arriving to town, realized was an outrageous idea. We live in a yoga community and constantly eat healthy food! So instead, we went to a bookstore, got fries and sushi and ate chocolate as we explored the city of Portland. That was a much better choice and somehow, I knew it was the right one for that moment. I booked the last week off to have a summer vacation at home, Laurelwood that is. It was next near impossible! I tell you, these Anandites, they either really know how to relax and have disappeared off the face of the planet or they are hard at it, running around every minute. I suppose we all have a lot of energy and it needs to go somewhere. I'm starting to accept it. Tomorrow, it's back to it. Now I have to decide whether to watch a movie or paint. Movie sounds good because I don't have to move but it's 11am in the morning. Ah, decisions, decisions.

Letters to devotees

It has been a long time since I have opened up. I closed the vault several months ago, took the blog down and shut the door. It was a deep and inward winter. It was to intimate to continue sharing on here. I stopped wanting to do anything, I stopped wanting to give, of myself, to love. I acheived so much in the world before getting into this spiritual path, in the way I have now. It means little. I am starting over so to speak, I am re-gaining my strength. It really is a new me emerging, it is birth. Not in a traditional sense, but I am birthing, like many other women at this age. Mine is metaphysical. So here I am at Ananda Village and Master (Yogananda) tells me to start writing again. So here I am. Let's see where this goes.

Several weeks ago now, Swami Kriyananda, founder and spiritual leader of Ananda Worldwide, passed on. This last weekend was a commemoration for his life and legacy. Our beloved Swamiji will be missed.

Dear Asha,

thank you for the quick reply last night.

I have read your letters and feelings you have expressed re Swamiji's passing and I am quite certain what you are feeling must be very big. Asha, these past few weeks I feel like my heart has exploded into a million pieces. It started Oct of last year when I took bramacharya vows shortly after Swamiji and Narayani visited Laurelwood. My life was literally, flipped upside down. 

Swamiji's leaving the body has created much turmoil in me. I am staying at Ayodya with my sister Melody and as I walked away from the Crystal hermitage last night with Prakash, I asked him: "How are you handling all this. Weren't you Swamiji's secretary at one point?" Prakash replied: "Some people come to be with Swamiji because they have good organizational skills and some come to him because they need the help. You can guess which one I was."  Well, I could not put it any better than that. I was called to this path because I need help.

I am in a state of questioning and uncertainty as to my most interesting relationship to Swamiji. Having grown up around SRF, it has made the idea of "coming over" to Ananda a little like giving up my most cherished and dearest love. Swamiji and I actually once had a fight over e-mail at one point, which sounds quite comical now but was quite painful only a few weeks ago. I felt close to him.

My inner turmoil right now stems from my feeling of shying away from this Ananda path which seems so intense and insane at times. And being conflicted with my relationship to Swamiji that appears and feels so deep. This past week living right beside the Crystal hermitage has been something so profound. For the first time I can actually and have heard Swamiji speaklng, inside of me. How can this be and how can I feel so far from a part of Ananda? 

I am feeling quite confused outwardly with Ananda as many of the past ten years I have felt like I don't quite belong here. But I am pushing as I don't want it to be my ego. So I keep trying.

I heard that you have addressed issues re SRF before and I have a very active mind if you can't tell. If you can help me gain some insight or clarity, I would be grateful. Thanks

PS. It was funny because as I was reaching out to skype you yesterday, Seva literally walked in the door to find me crying. She basically told me, I didn't have to choose and if I want to be an SRF nun that is great. I'm not sure if I do but it seems since I am a devotee of Master's, that I have to choose. Both has not been working, as you can see, because I haven;t thrown myself into either. This past weekend I tried to dunk my head under the waters, so to speak and just join the flow here. There are moments, and there are many that are not so pretty.

Jai Guru

love

Clarity

You tell me

There is so much beauty sometimes it is hard to see what it is.
I painted a picture the other day, I gave it to my girlfriend.
I had no idea what it was, it just felt good to paint.
When I gave it to her, she saw it. And then so did it.
It was a beautiful bird, with flowers and a pink and yellow sunset in back.
I gave it away because I couldn't see what it was, I couldn't define it so it didn't mean a whole lot to me. So I was un-attached.

I have been considering stopping writing this blog. Why? Because I have nothing left to complain about.
Ha!
Things are actually going well. It's amazing. I am changing, something is finally changing and all I am doing is relaxing. Not really outwardly, because I've been super busy with Laurelwood and classes now, but more inwardly. It's as if all these years of hard work and focus towards healing, are suddenly kicking in. Why? Because I'm not pushing anymore, I'm not trying to heal, I'm finally starting to relax and just be. I'm feeling.
It's like it really takes time to get relaxed for me especially.

It will be almost one year now that I have been at Laurelwood. It's taken me that long and I'm sure it will still require more time, but I'm opening. I'm open. I discovered that it takes me longer and gentler ways to allow myself to open up. All that traveling and medicines were fast, oh so fast and it was exactly what I needed to begin to discover who I am. Now I know what does and doesn't work. It's hard now to ignore when I hear the inward call. I know what I need to do and when I'm being called. Before it was hard to feel the light, now it's learning to keep the light inside and not give it away. You would be surprised. It's either we are feeling pain, or feeling joy and either way we want to get rid of it. We want to give our love to someone, we want to find someone in a grumpy mood, and we want to give away our joy. Who's choice is it? Who's choice was it to walk into that room right at the moment that your sister was pissed off or grumpy? It's our choice. I like these tests a lot better because at least I'm dealing with joy now, rather than pain. It's a good life, but it's still maya. So what am I going to find to blog about now that I am finally happy? Any ideas
:)

NOW or never

I've been on a vision quest since June 2009. It's now February 2013. Almost 4 years.
In the Native American way, four years is a full cycle. Pi Villaraza, a baylan (Philippine shaman) told me after doing a healing on me: the vision quest has to end sometime. It may be now. But it may not.

I have been going through a healing crisis for four years, I have been in constant cleanse mode. Imagine being on a cleanse for four years. Not only did I get addicted to cleansing but I may have also got addicted to the pain. Things are rough when you are cleansing because it is exactly that, cleansing out the old to make new for the new. This involves experiencing and facing the toxic things that come up. That is the only way to remove them or at least let them pass into the light.My main way of letting this stuff go has been prayer. A constant and ongoing prayer 24/7.

Lately, I have been waking up early in the morning automatically and I will sit right up and start meditating, without even a thought. This cleanse, fast, vision quest has been extremely detrimental to my social and friendship life. I can't honestly say that after all this time I have too many close friends. Although the people I have connected with over these past four years have been amazing soul searchers as well and the connections, however short, are deep. I feel connected to many people around the globe who I have had the pleasure of questing with. All my friends love God. How amazing is that?

My past was really rough, I mean really rough. It is all coming to a head right now and I am offering it into and inviting in the light. Because where the light comes in, darkness cannot remain.

I'm sure it has not been easy being around me the past few months especially, I have been pretty inward. It seems that to move on with life there is a certain part of this whole journey I have to put down. I have to let the search go and be where I am now. I asked for community and I found one. I asked for God and she came. Divine mother is showing me parts of myself that are so connected and so beautiful. This solid earth, material life has been totally not a part of my reality these past years. I have been off on other realms and it may be time to come back. I'm just saying, it may be. I have not been living and operating in the same reality most everyday people are. I have been communing with other realms and looking to return there and be more and more in spirit. I have been tearing down walls and tearing down my material life. I have nothing but if you were to rip open my chest, you would find a golden treasure buried deep within. It may be the beginning now, of getting back to life.

Years ago I gave up my apartment, my home and everything I owned and I journeyed. I went all over the place. Recently I gave up a trip to India and that may be a sure sign that I am ready to start re-building roots into the soil of Earth. It may take time, patience and extreme unconditional love, but I know with God's help, I can do it. My heart is overwhelmed as it has grown accustomed to withdrawing, to being inside. The thought of going out into the world and just living life seems empty. But that is a fear from the past because it was empty before I found the gold inside, the fear is the separation,. But I can live life differently this time, in a conscious way, in attunment. I can live with joy and love this time. Keeping connection with source is my main goal. I know it all sounds crazy and extreme, but I am.

Well, first things first. Eating breakfast would be a great start to the day, so that is what I am going to do now. Then I'm going to e-mail my family and thank them for helping support me to get into school, something I have wanted to do for years. I have quoted this before but it comes up often, "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto thee".

If you haven't seen my documentary film trailer, here it is. Completing this film completed may be a good way to process and complete the quest.

Jai love!

The pain, the pain, the pain again with the pain. The fear, the fear, the fear, the fear. Afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to put myself out there, expose myself. So instead, I get angry and I cover myself up. Again and again, these two little figures sitting, one on each shoulder. The voice of the devil and the other, the angels. A great man, Paulo Roberto said: you must be able to discern which voices are whispering to you. When you have high thoughts, it is the voice of the angels. When it is low thoughts, the voice of the demonic ones. And the last, the voice of yourself. So you must know yourself so you can always discern which voice is talking to you.

I am cracking up. Life is cracking up around me. I am struggling to hold on with everything I have and at the same time totally and utterly losing control. I am mad. God is mad, completely crazy, out of his mind. What is this thing we are living everyday. It feels like a hellish realm yet I yearn with everything inside my being to bring Peace and Harmony to this family. To the world, to my own family. I wish to give birth but in another way or form I don't fully understand. My being wants to give birth to life yet everything around me is trying to tear it down.

The past, the dirt, the sickness, has been trying to drag this pure being of light through it. Please let it down my girl. You are a princess, you are my daughter in this kingdom, you are free. He tells me over and over. I love you more than anything on this earth. All I want is you father, everything on this planet is empty without you. You are the only thing I want. Please, please take me home. I yearn, I ached. I force myself to meditate, day in and day out if only to come a little closer to him, to my true home. Why does it take me getting to the edge always to reach out. You are my only friend right now.

Homework seems ridiculous right now. Something I care very little about. I'm not going to change anything anymore, I give in. I want to be part of my family, I cried for community. But can I accept them? Accept that human beings are not perfect, not at all. But can I be ok with that. The Ayahusca medicine and it's teachings are coming back strong, are showing me what i experienced and why. All the lessons I wasn't able to face a year ago. I was shown my daily state of consciousness magnified and how toxic and hard it is to constantly live in guilt, in fear, in shame. Human conditions we have been passed from our ancestors. Is any of this making any sense? Always wanting to be somewhere either than here. What is this human condition I have inherited. I never asked for it.

My consciousness is not of this planet, my mind, my spirit is inward everyday communing with the divine. I want to be closer, close, I want to be in spirit. Visiting all those realms put me in touch with something else. I never knew life would be so hard, I had some idea that it would be easier. Life is tough. But somehow, there is light. I know there is, all I have to do is look up and I see it.  It is pouring out of me and all around me. My ego, the ego is thick, it wants to survive. I want to purify. Someone said that I am special. How special is it to turn away from the emptiness of the world and want God. I think that is common sense. There is nothing here to make me happy. Men, relationships, all that led me down a dark and ugly road. I don't want that. I want the purity. The gold. I am going for the real Gold. The love of God is like nothing else. I want the best, the very highest, the only one who will never leave or abandon me. I just read my little sister's blog, Unchained Thoughts, she is a profound and deep writer. She is in love for her first time, as am I.

A letter from Tom in the Philippines

Hi C,

So much in your letter, it feels like a week long conversation. I know what you are going through, and it reminds me of sometimes in my past.

Once I was sitting in church with the family, Kathi and four small children. Hard to even imagine that now... Church??

The meeting was going on as they do, but inside me something was crawling and wanted out. Emotion, rage, confusion, tension, birth ?

I left the meeting and drove to the mountains, the only place I could think to go where there was no people, no noise. I climbed up a trail I knew at Horse tail falls, a treacherous climb that would discourage most. On reaching the top and surveying the surrounding Sierra Neveda mountains, I saw a hole under some boulders that looked safe, hidden and quiet. A natural womb of granite and dirt.

I curled into a embryo and listened to the ticking timebomb inside me. I had to either disarm it or... let it blow! As it turned out life was not ready to let me go quietly into release, as the sound of voices began to grow in my ears. Two hikers in full chit chat mode walk within 8 feet of me!!! I now know why a guy loads five guns and goes on a rampage.

Is there no peace to be had? How far must I go for simple silence?

There was just enough sanity left in me to leave the pin in the hand granade, although most everything else in me want to end it all. I prayed...

"What are you teaching me? What is this churning in my gut that feels like "Alien" the movie? Help me sort this out!!

I stayed for awhile, maybe hours, I don't know, but did find my way down the mountain with some peace restored. There was no clear answer to what was happening inside me, but it went away and I was able to go on.

As I sit here and think back, it comes to me now that my soul was getting ready for a jail break. A just as the birth process is both miserable and dangerous to a small child, it is the only way out!

Much followed that Sunday many years ago and it seems now like only one page in "War and Peace" the book of Tom.

Clarity, you show many signs of being birthed or... making your own jail break. Keep watching the insanity that surrounds you and feel the beast in your belly that wont rest until liberation is certain. I also know that these events in your life are part of a much bigger picture, a picture you drew up ages ago. And weather you like it or not... it is all perfect! Maybe not from the ego mind which is wired toward separation and thus... drama. Yes, everything is OK, just keep believing that while you move from "adult child" to "adult adult", a process of taking full responsibility for your life, living in full integrity, and being present in the moment, only... always!

Are you ready for awe? I have a gift for you. Go to "Vimeo" and search for "ashes and snow https://vimeo.com/29498902 a video that still has me entranced. Animals and humans living the higher order, the natural order. There is a 45 minute full version I found on "kick as torrents." Watching this will not make your process go away, but it may remind you that there are awake people walking the planet and living an example of "wholeness".

Loves.