Letters to devotees

It has been a long time since I have opened up. I closed the vault several months ago, took the blog down and shut the door. It was a deep and inward winter. It was to intimate to continue sharing on here. I stopped wanting to do anything, I stopped wanting to give, of myself, to love. I acheived so much in the world before getting into this spiritual path, in the way I have now. It means little. I am starting over so to speak, I am re-gaining my strength. It really is a new me emerging, it is birth. Not in a traditional sense, but I am birthing, like many other women at this age. Mine is metaphysical. So here I am at Ananda Village and Master (Yogananda) tells me to start writing again. So here I am. Let's see where this goes.

Several weeks ago now, Swami Kriyananda, founder and spiritual leader of Ananda Worldwide, passed on. This last weekend was a commemoration for his life and legacy. Our beloved Swamiji will be missed.

Dear Asha,

thank you for the quick reply last night.

I have read your letters and feelings you have expressed re Swamiji's passing and I am quite certain what you are feeling must be very big. Asha, these past few weeks I feel like my heart has exploded into a million pieces. It started Oct of last year when I took bramacharya vows shortly after Swamiji and Narayani visited Laurelwood. My life was literally, flipped upside down. 

Swamiji's leaving the body has created much turmoil in me. I am staying at Ayodya with my sister Melody and as I walked away from the Crystal hermitage last night with Prakash, I asked him: "How are you handling all this. Weren't you Swamiji's secretary at one point?" Prakash replied: "Some people come to be with Swamiji because they have good organizational skills and some come to him because they need the help. You can guess which one I was."  Well, I could not put it any better than that. I was called to this path because I need help.

I am in a state of questioning and uncertainty as to my most interesting relationship to Swamiji. Having grown up around SRF, it has made the idea of "coming over" to Ananda a little like giving up my most cherished and dearest love. Swamiji and I actually once had a fight over e-mail at one point, which sounds quite comical now but was quite painful only a few weeks ago. I felt close to him.

My inner turmoil right now stems from my feeling of shying away from this Ananda path which seems so intense and insane at times. And being conflicted with my relationship to Swamiji that appears and feels so deep. This past week living right beside the Crystal hermitage has been something so profound. For the first time I can actually and have heard Swamiji speaklng, inside of me. How can this be and how can I feel so far from a part of Ananda? 

I am feeling quite confused outwardly with Ananda as many of the past ten years I have felt like I don't quite belong here. But I am pushing as I don't want it to be my ego. So I keep trying.

I heard that you have addressed issues re SRF before and I have a very active mind if you can't tell. If you can help me gain some insight or clarity, I would be grateful. Thanks

PS. It was funny because as I was reaching out to skype you yesterday, Seva literally walked in the door to find me crying. She basically told me, I didn't have to choose and if I want to be an SRF nun that is great. I'm not sure if I do but it seems since I am a devotee of Master's, that I have to choose. Both has not been working, as you can see, because I haven;t thrown myself into either. This past weekend I tried to dunk my head under the waters, so to speak and just join the flow here. There are moments, and there are many that are not so pretty.

Jai Guru

love

Clarity