I am in love...again

Over and over, lifetime after lifetime I have fallen in love. The tides are beginning to turn and my love, inspired by the beautiful, deep souls around me, is turning my love inwards and upward. I am falling in love with the beauty I am seeing all around me. I watched two swallows, spiralling through the air, weaving around one another and wondered why else would they be doing this dance except for pure joy? Love has no reasons, it is spontaneous, it is just pure spontaneous love and joy in expression. I am enjoying loving silently, inwardly without vocalizing it but just feeling it inside myself. I feel it's healing washing over me and healing ever nook and cranny. I go to my room sometimes and feel as if I am madly in love but it is only me there, me and the divine.

Krishna, Radha, Rama, Sita, Mary, Jesus; all of these divine personages are inspiring us to what it means to purely love. It is pure, it is tender, it is friendship above all. Lust, obsession, infatuation are all confused and mis-directed remnants of what is true. The outer expression I have always sought, to share my love with another, is being fulfilled in a way I can't yet understand. How long will this go and how far will it take me? I don't know but I am feeling and trusting what is being asked of me. To love un-attached and love what is best for my love. To forgive and love myself, is to forgive and love others. I am asking forgiveness and I am healing.

I can no longer pretend or deny that the creator of the universe is hearing me and answering my call. He is blessing and watching over me and one day, I pray to know him more intimately than any lover can know another.

Venus - the Goddess is re-birthing

Daiva says that God can be my partner. He tells me to forget the idea that I am beautiful and that I can attract anything I want to myself. He challenges me to forget the idea of the perfect relationship. He is asking me to explore myself on a deeper level than I could of ever imagined possible for myself. He  asks me to open to the idea of finding complete motivation and joy inwardly and to let go of all the exterior motivations I have always turned to. What reason is there to get out of bed in the morning if not for career, relationship or money, I ask myself? What is left? Just me.

Last night I finally had to admit to myself that I'm not ready for a relationship. If I want to be in a partnership that is whole and complete, I have to be that myself first. It makes perfect sense that to expect someone who is whole, is only possible, if I first am whole.

Encouragement goes a long way

E-mail from my little sister, Christina West

Charity, when you left I was smiling but honestly I felt like crying. I do not know what it is about us but I feel like I know you and you know me better than anyone else does. We fight but I really do love you and it's the mark of someone you really care about if it hurts to be fighting with them. I only want good things for you, and I am extremely jealous and proud of you for taking risks in life, and most the time making something awesome from them.

I hope you are getting set up in your new place and are well, but mostly are confident in yourself and in your heart.Also dad came over the next night and literally cried like a baby talking about leaving you at the station. We talked about how our past was rough but we should all love each other no matter what.

Keep writing and living, fuck money cuz look at what the bitterness of not having it does and how when you get it its never enough. The only thing that is satisfying is doing what you love. Be happy big sis
-tuna 

We can fly

I'm back... I'm really back. I have been gone, off somewhere, checked out for some time now. I was going through some major shit the past four years, I have been going through something major. I am coming back and the light is starting to shine through, I can feel it.

Today was some kind of breaking point, I'm on my monthly moon cycle and that is always an extremely sensitive but highly intuitive time for me. I do my best to make sure I have some quiet, alone time to tune into the messages. I was at physical, mental and emotional breaking point today and just felt strongly I needed to go out to nature. I needed to be alone with God and go into this energy I had been feeling all morning.

Early this morning, I had the most incredible dream. I woke up and walked down the third floor hallway to the end where there was a large wide open window. I stood at the window looking  at the pavement below and thought about jumping. I felt strongly that if I did, I could fly. My mind kicked in and told me not too, this might not be a dream maybe I wasn't asleep but sleep walking and I was really standing there. But something knew that it was a dream, I was lucid dreaming.

I jumped from the window and soared high over the countryside, gliding naturally as if it was the most natural thing for me to do. I felt so happy, so light, so myself. I spotted a couple walking together through a park area and I started to fly in circles around them. They saw me and watched and as I flew I realized they were seeing me as a bird. I was a bird. I kept flying enjoying every minute of this new found freedom. I finally got back to Laurelwood and flew in the door where a young man, 16-17 years old was standing in the hallway. He saw me fly in and followed me back outside, amazed to see I was hovering a few inches off the ground. I started to float higher, "you can fly too", I yelled out to him. Suddenly he started to fly too and side by side, we flew away.

I have been hiding behind a wall of fear...fear of others... fear of being hurt or judged... fear of not being accepted for who I truly am. I have been hiding  from communicating with others because I was afraid they would reject or unvalidate my feelings. I noticed today that I have been defensive and reactive when other people say something to me, rather than just hearing them out and letting it blow right over me, not taking everything so personally even if it is about me. I think I have a major fear of people trying to impose their will on me, lest it not be the right thing for me. All in all, I haven't trusted people. It's painful because God works through so many and how many times have I cut the flow off by only trusting myself? I believe this complex came from adults from the past, mis-use of their will on me. Partly my mother was very negative and irrational in her ways of disciplining me. I knew she was irrational since I came in to this world and being such a strong willed child, I simply came across as a know it all and a stubborn brat that needed harsh disciplining. She used to put me up in a closet when I was bad and because I was so little I had no possibility of getting down. Or she would lock me in my room and unscrew the light bulb so when it got dark, I couldn't turn it on. I would scream and wail with my face to floor, looking under the crack of the door just so I could see some light. It made me hate the dark and it made me afraid of the unknown, it made me not trust people.

I couldn't forgive her for what she had done to me and today, as I meditated in the middle of the forest, it all came up. I cried and wailed and I screamed at the top of my lungs, punching the ground and ripping out grass. How could she, how could she? And then, I felt ok. I don't hate my mom, I love her in fact but these things, they need clearing. Something really good is happening to me, the light is coming back. The light I had as a child is returning.

To be continued.....

Yoga lives here

I'm living in an abandoned building with 30 people, one hour South of Portland in the countryside of Oregon. We are living on 55 acres of land, the building we are currently living in is large enough to accomodate 500 or more people and there are 5 or 6 other buildings this same size on our property. Why am I doing this? Yoga. I am here because yoga lives here.
Every morning, our group rises together before the sun is up and we meditate. We stretch and prepare our bodies beforehand and then as a group, we say a prayer, asking the divine to bless our meditation. We spread out our multi colored blankets, meditation pillows or benches, malas, yoga mats, om boards and other yoga paraphernalia and for 2 hours, we invite the divine into our temples, and we commune. Where I go for those two hours every morning, I cannot even begin to explain. The only thing I can say is if you haven't tried meditation, you must. It is one of the most beautiful, deep and fulfilling things in my life. In fact, it is the most important thing in life. How can I start my day before thanking my creator. How can I possibly have any other priority before connecting with myself after my nightly seperation in deep sleep. Paramahansa Yogananda, the man who brought me to yoga, is my eternal teacher. Though his body is not physically on this plane, he is right here with me, in this abandoned building, in the city, in everything and everywhere I go. He is in my heart and mind, one day he will be more real than anything I can see, hear or touch.

We have a joke here at Ananda Laurelwood, the community I became part of as of March 28, 2012, that everyday here is like a week in the outside world. In growth physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, so much transpires here daily that it is almost insane to possibly conceive. I am growing here, I will say that much.

I love yoga. I started practicing it in a real way almost ten years ago now, when I was 18 years old. Life was empty, confusing and full of pain when I started to search out answers to what this world was all about. That's when the teachings started to come, when I started to ask the questions. That old saying, "the teacher comes when the student is ready", is true. I never say, "I found my guru", my guru in fact, found me. He loves me and I love him and trust him more deeply than anyone I have ever met in this life. It's a confusing relationship if you have no concept of surrendering your life fully to something outside of yourself. It involves giving up your self, your "self", the ego, in order to become something greater, in order to fully become your self. It's like chipping away at a block or removing the dirt from a stone to uncover a diamond underneath. I am a butterfly diamond, an angel of light. This is what we all are underneath the self definitions, blocks, ideas, likes, dislikes, we are all something golden and glowing. I am finally becoming more myself than I ever felt would be possible. I love where I live and where I am at in my life, it's all becoming so magical, so beautiful. I am free. I never felt in a million years that I could feel this light, this joyful, this peaceful. I never thought I could be happy because I thought life was just in itself, a sad thing and most of the time, I didn't even want to be here, I didn't want to be alive. I used to pray to leave and one time, I was allowed an experience that showed me life is a choice but more so, it is a gift. Life is a gift from God because he loves us and I am uncovering that gift more and more through my practice. I look forward to uncovering more and sharing more so please stay tuned.

With love
xox
Clarity

Garden of life

ohh, ohh my heart. My heart is wide and open. I have been afraid to make Ananda my community because, because I wanted to make it my own, I wanted to do it myself. When I got here there were all kinds of rules and structure and I was told I had a boss. Right away, something switched in me and I was like... this can't be my community.Today I saw that it felt like Jacob wanted to do this whole thing on his own. He wants to run the gardens, lead the sadhana, lead the projects, ring the bell and basically be the golden child. Did he once ask me about my experience with gardening? I told him I had worked for Devadasi and that I had read all 9 books of Anastasia. Did anyone think once to ask me about anything. I felt hurt, very hurt by this person who I was shown was the boss. This person who hadn't taken 5 seconds to ask me about myself although I had moved all the way from Vancouver to be here. I projected a lot on him because why was I hiding my shine? I was hiding my shine because I felt no room to shine my shine when hog shine was stealing all the shine. It's absurd right. How can the mind be so insane?

There are so many layers I can't begin to explain the depths of the insanity that takes place in the human ego. When I go into myself, into the spine and I am centered, all these things happening around me don't affect me. Maybe a big part of not feeling a part of this community, have to do with the fact that I do not have a partner. Everyone here basically is in relationship and they are set and moving forward in what they are doing. I don't yet know really what I am doing, here, in the world, in this community. I am looking and calling to find my place. Where do I fit in and why was I brought to Portland, Oregon? There is one thing for sure, I am feeling a lot of joy in the midst of the inward storm. I wanted to hide in my room this morning when the storm came up inside of me. SO I went to my room at lunch time, and went under my covers, the rain was coming down outside and I went to sleep. When I woke up I felt a lot better but I wanted to keep hiding. I'm in weird state I told myself, better stay in here, stay away from people right now. No, I decided, I would make myself useful and go downstairs and even though it wouldn't be perfect, I would give it my best to help out and get something accomplished. I made salad dressings and ghee (clarified butter) and helped out around the kitchen. By the end of the day, I was full of energy. I had gotten out of myself, out of my head and thank the Lord. God.

These days are long, but they are full. It doesn't have to look perfect I am realizing, just doing my best is the best I got. I held some fierce energy in today and really fought hard not to let it all spill out onto someone else's plate. I realized, when you are strong, other people have the opportunity to get weak around you. If you don't take it personally, you can just stand tall and be there for them. It sucks and it's hard. I am being trained. Having someone to confide in and talk to is so important. I really want/need Clarity but I am also seeing how this IS my name for a reason. These are really personal thoughts. How strange to be sharing them on a blog post.

Goodnight, sleep well.

Stepping stones to discovering my true nature

These days have seemed like weeks, on and on they go, packed with so much more than I could have ever imagined. Today I felt kind of ill, but it was more like a fever coming on. I said to my friend, "maybe it's kundalini sickness", he said, "maybe it's just the flu."

Who have I been all these years? Where have I been? When I'm with people, I'm not completely myself. I am disconnected from myself sometimes and God, I'm not being true to myself and I'm not being true to the people I'm with because I'm uncomfortable. Sometimes I can't wait to go and be alone, because then I can feel like myself again. I am either completely open and thus, totally susseptable to being hurt. The flipside is I am closed and not open to feeling the love that person has to offer. Then what fun is it, to be with people when I am closed, it's like constantly putting out energy but unable to receive back, it's exhausting.

We were over at a friends house today, helping make the grounds more beautiful and weeding the garden. I took a few minutes aside and went and sat under a  tree to meditate. I felt deep peace sitting under that tree in the shade, I felt God's prescence and I was back in my heart again. After a few minutes I got up and went to my friend to sugget maybe we all meditate outside together before dinner. It turned out it wasn't a good time and so I continued on. I ran into a friend/resident of the community and he asked some help to load up the truck. While we were loading he started to get frusterated with the way I was doing things and started to speak sharply to me. It was like a hammer in a china shop. I was delicate and he was breaking me with his words. I wanted to simply say, "gently, be gentle with your words", but instead I stayed silent. I am really starting to see how unfair it is to myself to constantly remain silent, I just hold it in, then the poison it eats at me, I digest it for others, but I can't always forgive. I took that poison and did my best to transmute it but part of me just felt angry, more at myself than him. Why do I let people get to me so much, it's not even about me, it's about them when they are experiencing something.

Today I gave a hug to my friend and when I hugged him, I opened my heart and I felt, I actually felt something. I was able to be open and receive the love that he is, to be present with him. How many times have I hung out with someone or gave someone a hug and totally just been in my head, barely there, barely able to feel what they are truly saying, instead waiting for what I will say next. In my mind, rather than my heart.  What I thought of myself, compared to actual reaity is starting to present itself. The things I thought about myself, the self image, I am discovering is not true, has not been based in reality. The things I thought other people thought of me are also untrue, and not based in facts. The things I have created in my mind need to be undone because they are negative and my goal now is to re-program my mind with positive feedback.

I discovered in the last few days many things about myself after a healing session a friend of mine did on me. Her healing modality is called Bodytalk and involves her innate wisdom, as she calls is, getting in touch with the wisdom inside myself.  This process pinpoints anyissues that need re-alignment, re-programming, like a re-set button. This is very hard to say but it what came up was that for many years I have suffered with depression. I always thought it was just normal to feel sad so much of the time. I mean what was there not to be sad about; there is the state of the world, loneliness, un-fullfillment, my search for truth, my perceived seperation from God. After really seriously breaking down and feeling the pain this has caused my life, I realized that this is something I DO WANT TO MOVE FORWARD from, it has to change.

I want to feel open to life, to people, to my friends. I want to forgive and I want to love again. I want to gve people another chance even though they aren't pefect and I want to accept the fact that neither am I, despite years of thinking otherwise. I intend to become the joyful and positive person I know I am and to really fully embrace that which I truly am. There is a mountain in front of me right now and today felt like how in the world will I ever climb this alone. But I am not alone, I am loved and the only way I can overcome this is to realize that I can not do this by myself, I need him.