We can fly

I'm back... I'm really back. I have been gone, off somewhere, checked out for some time now. I was going through some major shit the past four years, I have been going through something major. I am coming back and the light is starting to shine through, I can feel it.

Today was some kind of breaking point, I'm on my monthly moon cycle and that is always an extremely sensitive but highly intuitive time for me. I do my best to make sure I have some quiet, alone time to tune into the messages. I was at physical, mental and emotional breaking point today and just felt strongly I needed to go out to nature. I needed to be alone with God and go into this energy I had been feeling all morning.

Early this morning, I had the most incredible dream. I woke up and walked down the third floor hallway to the end where there was a large wide open window. I stood at the window looking  at the pavement below and thought about jumping. I felt strongly that if I did, I could fly. My mind kicked in and told me not too, this might not be a dream maybe I wasn't asleep but sleep walking and I was really standing there. But something knew that it was a dream, I was lucid dreaming.

I jumped from the window and soared high over the countryside, gliding naturally as if it was the most natural thing for me to do. I felt so happy, so light, so myself. I spotted a couple walking together through a park area and I started to fly in circles around them. They saw me and watched and as I flew I realized they were seeing me as a bird. I was a bird. I kept flying enjoying every minute of this new found freedom. I finally got back to Laurelwood and flew in the door where a young man, 16-17 years old was standing in the hallway. He saw me fly in and followed me back outside, amazed to see I was hovering a few inches off the ground. I started to float higher, "you can fly too", I yelled out to him. Suddenly he started to fly too and side by side, we flew away.

I have been hiding behind a wall of fear...fear of others... fear of being hurt or judged... fear of not being accepted for who I truly am. I have been hiding  from communicating with others because I was afraid they would reject or unvalidate my feelings. I noticed today that I have been defensive and reactive when other people say something to me, rather than just hearing them out and letting it blow right over me, not taking everything so personally even if it is about me. I think I have a major fear of people trying to impose their will on me, lest it not be the right thing for me. All in all, I haven't trusted people. It's painful because God works through so many and how many times have I cut the flow off by only trusting myself? I believe this complex came from adults from the past, mis-use of their will on me. Partly my mother was very negative and irrational in her ways of disciplining me. I knew she was irrational since I came in to this world and being such a strong willed child, I simply came across as a know it all and a stubborn brat that needed harsh disciplining. She used to put me up in a closet when I was bad and because I was so little I had no possibility of getting down. Or she would lock me in my room and unscrew the light bulb so when it got dark, I couldn't turn it on. I would scream and wail with my face to floor, looking under the crack of the door just so I could see some light. It made me hate the dark and it made me afraid of the unknown, it made me not trust people.

I couldn't forgive her for what she had done to me and today, as I meditated in the middle of the forest, it all came up. I cried and wailed and I screamed at the top of my lungs, punching the ground and ripping out grass. How could she, how could she? And then, I felt ok. I don't hate my mom, I love her in fact but these things, they need clearing. Something really good is happening to me, the light is coming back. The light I had as a child is returning.

To be continued.....