Two steps forward, one back

I'm changing and then I'm just the same.

Last night I stayed up for 12 hours straight with a profound group of people, chanting and meditating. I'm sure you can imagine what 12 hours of chanting and calling on the divine will bring up? This morning I wanted so badly to go to the coast, to see the ocean, to spend some time relaxing and enjoying nature with my divine mother on mother's day. I put out the intention and literally within minutes, the divine answered through some friends who were on their way to Canon beach and offered me a ride.

I went home to eat lunch and start getting ready when I just sat and got really still. I looked around at the beauty of the mountains and valley surrounding me. "I am already on vacation", it told me, "it is beautiful right here, right now". Divine mother was right there with me in that moment and I felt her guidance that I could save a lot of time, energy and money just being happy right where I was. So I decided to take a mini vacation, right where I am and just enjoy being with God. Not to mention I am running on no sleep and was seeing blue sparkles this morning, it's probably best I stayed home and took it easy.

Sure, I would love to go to the coast and I will soon but today and tomorrow could be spent editing or working on some projects around here that need attending. I'm starting to feel this incompleteness when I'm not serving or giving, like I'm lost and am looking for thing to fill the void. This afternoon while I was preparing lunch for myself, it felt weird  making lunch just for myself. So I made Peggy, my 82 year-old friend, a raw lunch for mother's day. She was thrilled and since she's a raw foodist, she loved what I came up with and it made her and me feel good.

In the shower, I was reflecting a bit more and realized it's enough to know that divine mother heard my prayer and answered me and so quickly. I didn't need the actual gift, her reply was what my heart was truly seeking.

I had a big break through, again, while walking down the hall today. The reason I continued to have this nagging misery an depression in the Philippines was because I wasn't serving or using my energy. I started doing this blog religiously because I was absoultely going berserk with all the extra time I had. Funny right, it's what we are always seeking for, to just be done with one thing so we can have some time to ourselves. But how long do you imagine you could actually stay on vacation and maintain happiness. I will tell you because I did it. It was approx 2 weeks I was living on a tropical paradise before I wanted to start another business. Even though I had no financial worries or worldly obligations, I had my health, my meditation but the service was missing. Everyday I was looking to busy myself and fill myself with things to do but it wasn't enough, and I became more and more miserable inside and eventually out.  I need to make an impact.

Onto a new topic: I called my mom today, which I felt obgligated to do at the time since it's mother's day and all. Not that I don't love her, but I hadn't stopped to get into the real feeling of loving my mom and calling her from the place of appreciation for her bringing me into the world. I just called her mechanically with a time frame in mind of how long I wanted to talk. It was "me" giving "her" energy. Frankly, I felt exhausted after half an hour and all my creative juices seemed to be zapped. It was because the whole time I was focusing on "me" and how I was giving her energy, me as the giver instead of just letting that flow go through me and coming from  true place in my heart. Ok, so I'm on no sleep and it sounds so sad and mean but I realized what I was doing and I will not do it again. I love my mom. Sorry momma, I love you.

As I said two steps forward, one back.