These days have seemed like weeks, on and on they go, packed with so much more than I could have ever imagined. Today I felt kind of ill, but it was more like a fever coming on. I said to my friend, "maybe it's kundalini sickness", he said, "maybe it's just the flu."
Who have I been all these years? Where have I been? When I'm with people, I'm not completely myself. I am disconnected from myself sometimes and God, I'm not being true to myself and I'm not being true to the people I'm with because I'm uncomfortable. Sometimes I can't wait to go and be alone, because then I can feel like myself again. I am either completely open and thus, totally susseptable to being hurt. The flipside is I am closed and not open to feeling the love that person has to offer. Then what fun is it, to be with people when I am closed, it's like constantly putting out energy but unable to receive back, it's exhausting.
We were over at a friends house today, helping make the grounds more beautiful and weeding the garden. I took a few minutes aside and went and sat under a tree to meditate. I felt deep peace sitting under that tree in the shade, I felt God's prescence and I was back in my heart again. After a few minutes I got up and went to my friend to sugget maybe we all meditate outside together before dinner. It turned out it wasn't a good time and so I continued on. I ran into a friend/resident of the community and he asked some help to load up the truck. While we were loading he started to get frusterated with the way I was doing things and started to speak sharply to me. It was like a hammer in a china shop. I was delicate and he was breaking me with his words. I wanted to simply say, "gently, be gentle with your words", but instead I stayed silent. I am really starting to see how unfair it is to myself to constantly remain silent, I just hold it in, then the poison it eats at me, I digest it for others, but I can't always forgive. I took that poison and did my best to transmute it but part of me just felt angry, more at myself than him. Why do I let people get to me so much, it's not even about me, it's about them when they are experiencing something.
Today I gave a hug to my friend and when I hugged him, I opened my heart and I felt, I actually felt something. I was able to be open and receive the love that he is, to be present with him. How many times have I hung out with someone or gave someone a hug and totally just been in my head, barely there, barely able to feel what they are truly saying, instead waiting for what I will say next. In my mind, rather than my heart. What I thought of myself, compared to actual reaity is starting to present itself. The things I thought about myself, the self image, I am discovering is not true, has not been based in reality. The things I thought other people thought of me are also untrue, and not based in facts. The things I have created in my mind need to be undone because they are negative and my goal now is to re-program my mind with positive feedback.
I discovered in the last few days many things about myself after a healing session a friend of mine did on me. Her healing modality is called Bodytalk and involves her innate wisdom, as she calls is, getting in touch with the wisdom inside myself. This process pinpoints anyissues that need re-alignment, re-programming, like a re-set button. This is very hard to say but it what came up was that for many years I have suffered with depression. I always thought it was just normal to feel sad so much of the time. I mean what was there not to be sad about; there is the state of the world, loneliness, un-fullfillment, my search for truth, my perceived seperation from God. After really seriously breaking down and feeling the pain this has caused my life, I realized that this is something I DO WANT TO MOVE FORWARD from, it has to change.
I want to feel open to life, to people, to my friends. I want to forgive and I want to love again. I want to gve people another chance even though they aren't pefect and I want to accept the fact that neither am I, despite years of thinking otherwise. I intend to become the joyful and positive person I know I am and to really fully embrace that which I truly am. There is a mountain in front of me right now and today felt like how in the world will I ever climb this alone. But I am not alone, I am loved and the only way I can overcome this is to realize that I can not do this by myself, I need him.
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