Garden of life

ohh, ohh my heart. My heart is wide and open. I have been afraid to make Ananda my community because, because I wanted to make it my own, I wanted to do it myself. When I got here there were all kinds of rules and structure and I was told I had a boss. Right away, something switched in me and I was like... this can't be my community.Today I saw that it felt like Jacob wanted to do this whole thing on his own. He wants to run the gardens, lead the sadhana, lead the projects, ring the bell and basically be the golden child. Did he once ask me about my experience with gardening? I told him I had worked for Devadasi and that I had read all 9 books of Anastasia. Did anyone think once to ask me about anything. I felt hurt, very hurt by this person who I was shown was the boss. This person who hadn't taken 5 seconds to ask me about myself although I had moved all the way from Vancouver to be here. I projected a lot on him because why was I hiding my shine? I was hiding my shine because I felt no room to shine my shine when hog shine was stealing all the shine. It's absurd right. How can the mind be so insane?

There are so many layers I can't begin to explain the depths of the insanity that takes place in the human ego. When I go into myself, into the spine and I am centered, all these things happening around me don't affect me. Maybe a big part of not feeling a part of this community, have to do with the fact that I do not have a partner. Everyone here basically is in relationship and they are set and moving forward in what they are doing. I don't yet know really what I am doing, here, in the world, in this community. I am looking and calling to find my place. Where do I fit in and why was I brought to Portland, Oregon? There is one thing for sure, I am feeling a lot of joy in the midst of the inward storm. I wanted to hide in my room this morning when the storm came up inside of me. SO I went to my room at lunch time, and went under my covers, the rain was coming down outside and I went to sleep. When I woke up I felt a lot better but I wanted to keep hiding. I'm in weird state I told myself, better stay in here, stay away from people right now. No, I decided, I would make myself useful and go downstairs and even though it wouldn't be perfect, I would give it my best to help out and get something accomplished. I made salad dressings and ghee (clarified butter) and helped out around the kitchen. By the end of the day, I was full of energy. I had gotten out of myself, out of my head and thank the Lord. God.

These days are long, but they are full. It doesn't have to look perfect I am realizing, just doing my best is the best I got. I held some fierce energy in today and really fought hard not to let it all spill out onto someone else's plate. I realized, when you are strong, other people have the opportunity to get weak around you. If you don't take it personally, you can just stand tall and be there for them. It sucks and it's hard. I am being trained. Having someone to confide in and talk to is so important. I really want/need Clarity but I am also seeing how this IS my name for a reason. These are really personal thoughts. How strange to be sharing them on a blog post.

Goodnight, sleep well.