Garden of life

ohh, ohh my heart. My heart is wide and open. I have been afraid to make Ananda my community because, because I wanted to make it my own, I wanted to do it myself. When I got here there were all kinds of rules and structure and I was told I had a boss. Right away, something switched in me and I was like... this can't be my community.Today I saw that it felt like Jacob wanted to do this whole thing on his own. He wants to run the gardens, lead the sadhana, lead the projects, ring the bell and basically be the golden child. Did he once ask me about my experience with gardening? I told him I had worked for Devadasi and that I had read all 9 books of Anastasia. Did anyone think once to ask me about anything. I felt hurt, very hurt by this person who I was shown was the boss. This person who hadn't taken 5 seconds to ask me about myself although I had moved all the way from Vancouver to be here. I projected a lot on him because why was I hiding my shine? I was hiding my shine because I felt no room to shine my shine when hog shine was stealing all the shine. It's absurd right. How can the mind be so insane?

There are so many layers I can't begin to explain the depths of the insanity that takes place in the human ego. When I go into myself, into the spine and I am centered, all these things happening around me don't affect me. Maybe a big part of not feeling a part of this community, have to do with the fact that I do not have a partner. Everyone here basically is in relationship and they are set and moving forward in what they are doing. I don't yet know really what I am doing, here, in the world, in this community. I am looking and calling to find my place. Where do I fit in and why was I brought to Portland, Oregon? There is one thing for sure, I am feeling a lot of joy in the midst of the inward storm. I wanted to hide in my room this morning when the storm came up inside of me. SO I went to my room at lunch time, and went under my covers, the rain was coming down outside and I went to sleep. When I woke up I felt a lot better but I wanted to keep hiding. I'm in weird state I told myself, better stay in here, stay away from people right now. No, I decided, I would make myself useful and go downstairs and even though it wouldn't be perfect, I would give it my best to help out and get something accomplished. I made salad dressings and ghee (clarified butter) and helped out around the kitchen. By the end of the day, I was full of energy. I had gotten out of myself, out of my head and thank the Lord. God.

These days are long, but they are full. It doesn't have to look perfect I am realizing, just doing my best is the best I got. I held some fierce energy in today and really fought hard not to let it all spill out onto someone else's plate. I realized, when you are strong, other people have the opportunity to get weak around you. If you don't take it personally, you can just stand tall and be there for them. It sucks and it's hard. I am being trained. Having someone to confide in and talk to is so important. I really want/need Clarity but I am also seeing how this IS my name for a reason. These are really personal thoughts. How strange to be sharing them on a blog post.

Goodnight, sleep well.

Stepping stones to discovering my true nature

These days have seemed like weeks, on and on they go, packed with so much more than I could have ever imagined. Today I felt kind of ill, but it was more like a fever coming on. I said to my friend, "maybe it's kundalini sickness", he said, "maybe it's just the flu."

Who have I been all these years? Where have I been? When I'm with people, I'm not completely myself. I am disconnected from myself sometimes and God, I'm not being true to myself and I'm not being true to the people I'm with because I'm uncomfortable. Sometimes I can't wait to go and be alone, because then I can feel like myself again. I am either completely open and thus, totally susseptable to being hurt. The flipside is I am closed and not open to feeling the love that person has to offer. Then what fun is it, to be with people when I am closed, it's like constantly putting out energy but unable to receive back, it's exhausting.

We were over at a friends house today, helping make the grounds more beautiful and weeding the garden. I took a few minutes aside and went and sat under a  tree to meditate. I felt deep peace sitting under that tree in the shade, I felt God's prescence and I was back in my heart again. After a few minutes I got up and went to my friend to sugget maybe we all meditate outside together before dinner. It turned out it wasn't a good time and so I continued on. I ran into a friend/resident of the community and he asked some help to load up the truck. While we were loading he started to get frusterated with the way I was doing things and started to speak sharply to me. It was like a hammer in a china shop. I was delicate and he was breaking me with his words. I wanted to simply say, "gently, be gentle with your words", but instead I stayed silent. I am really starting to see how unfair it is to myself to constantly remain silent, I just hold it in, then the poison it eats at me, I digest it for others, but I can't always forgive. I took that poison and did my best to transmute it but part of me just felt angry, more at myself than him. Why do I let people get to me so much, it's not even about me, it's about them when they are experiencing something.

Today I gave a hug to my friend and when I hugged him, I opened my heart and I felt, I actually felt something. I was able to be open and receive the love that he is, to be present with him. How many times have I hung out with someone or gave someone a hug and totally just been in my head, barely there, barely able to feel what they are truly saying, instead waiting for what I will say next. In my mind, rather than my heart.  What I thought of myself, compared to actual reaity is starting to present itself. The things I thought about myself, the self image, I am discovering is not true, has not been based in reality. The things I thought other people thought of me are also untrue, and not based in facts. The things I have created in my mind need to be undone because they are negative and my goal now is to re-program my mind with positive feedback.

I discovered in the last few days many things about myself after a healing session a friend of mine did on me. Her healing modality is called Bodytalk and involves her innate wisdom, as she calls is, getting in touch with the wisdom inside myself.  This process pinpoints anyissues that need re-alignment, re-programming, like a re-set button. This is very hard to say but it what came up was that for many years I have suffered with depression. I always thought it was just normal to feel sad so much of the time. I mean what was there not to be sad about; there is the state of the world, loneliness, un-fullfillment, my search for truth, my perceived seperation from God. After really seriously breaking down and feeling the pain this has caused my life, I realized that this is something I DO WANT TO MOVE FORWARD from, it has to change.

I want to feel open to life, to people, to my friends. I want to forgive and I want to love again. I want to gve people another chance even though they aren't pefect and I want to accept the fact that neither am I, despite years of thinking otherwise. I intend to become the joyful and positive person I know I am and to really fully embrace that which I truly am. There is a mountain in front of me right now and today felt like how in the world will I ever climb this alone. But I am not alone, I am loved and the only way I can overcome this is to realize that I can not do this by myself, I need him.

Two steps forward, one back

I'm changing and then I'm just the same.

Last night I stayed up for 12 hours straight with a profound group of people, chanting and meditating. I'm sure you can imagine what 12 hours of chanting and calling on the divine will bring up? This morning I wanted so badly to go to the coast, to see the ocean, to spend some time relaxing and enjoying nature with my divine mother on mother's day. I put out the intention and literally within minutes, the divine answered through some friends who were on their way to Canon beach and offered me a ride.

I went home to eat lunch and start getting ready when I just sat and got really still. I looked around at the beauty of the mountains and valley surrounding me. "I am already on vacation", it told me, "it is beautiful right here, right now". Divine mother was right there with me in that moment and I felt her guidance that I could save a lot of time, energy and money just being happy right where I was. So I decided to take a mini vacation, right where I am and just enjoy being with God. Not to mention I am running on no sleep and was seeing blue sparkles this morning, it's probably best I stayed home and took it easy.

Sure, I would love to go to the coast and I will soon but today and tomorrow could be spent editing or working on some projects around here that need attending. I'm starting to feel this incompleteness when I'm not serving or giving, like I'm lost and am looking for thing to fill the void. This afternoon while I was preparing lunch for myself, it felt weird  making lunch just for myself. So I made Peggy, my 82 year-old friend, a raw lunch for mother's day. She was thrilled and since she's a raw foodist, she loved what I came up with and it made her and me feel good.

In the shower, I was reflecting a bit more and realized it's enough to know that divine mother heard my prayer and answered me and so quickly. I didn't need the actual gift, her reply was what my heart was truly seeking.

I had a big break through, again, while walking down the hall today. The reason I continued to have this nagging misery an depression in the Philippines was because I wasn't serving or using my energy. I started doing this blog religiously because I was absoultely going berserk with all the extra time I had. Funny right, it's what we are always seeking for, to just be done with one thing so we can have some time to ourselves. But how long do you imagine you could actually stay on vacation and maintain happiness. I will tell you because I did it. It was approx 2 weeks I was living on a tropical paradise before I wanted to start another business. Even though I had no financial worries or worldly obligations, I had my health, my meditation but the service was missing. Everyday I was looking to busy myself and fill myself with things to do but it wasn't enough, and I became more and more miserable inside and eventually out.  I need to make an impact.

Onto a new topic: I called my mom today, which I felt obgligated to do at the time since it's mother's day and all. Not that I don't love her, but I hadn't stopped to get into the real feeling of loving my mom and calling her from the place of appreciation for her bringing me into the world. I just called her mechanically with a time frame in mind of how long I wanted to talk. It was "me" giving "her" energy. Frankly, I felt exhausted after half an hour and all my creative juices seemed to be zapped. It was because the whole time I was focusing on "me" and how I was giving her energy, me as the giver instead of just letting that flow go through me and coming from  true place in my heart. Ok, so I'm on no sleep and it sounds so sad and mean but I realized what I was doing and I will not do it again. I love my mom. Sorry momma, I love you.

As I said two steps forward, one back.

The merging

This is an image I received when I was meditating several months ago. It explained to me what is going on right now with this huge planetary shift in energy and consciousness. What I understood from it is that the spiritual world and the material world are starting to merge, the veil is becoming thinner as we are becoming aware of the truth about who we are and why we are here.

We are all feeling things quickening as we are awakening to our own greater self expansion and greater reality. This will cause much shifting in relationships, create environmental changes and awakening in the physical, mental and emotional bodies.

I have come to learn that the best plan is to let go because it's a wild ride. The comforting thing is we are all in this together.

Please comment or e-mail me if you have been experiencing any of these types of feelings or changes.
 

Something finally shifted

So much shifted today. It’s like I’ m realizing how out there I went with the ayahusca journey. It really took me out of body and into another realm. It brought me back and forced me to re-examine my old self and the parts that don’t work are so uncomfortable. Yet it was almost as if I was trying to force the old pieces back onto myself, for fear of falling apart. I’m being faced with recreating the new me, or spirit rather is restructuring me, from the inside out. I am in an environment which is allowing me to do so. The fear is the sensitivity. Positivity is the biggest thing I am seeing right now as an absolute key to a joyful and successful life, always saying yes and seeing and holding myself, others and life in the highest state.

Planetary shift in consciousness

I just looked back through my entire identity on my Facebook photo albums. Seeing myself, I’m amazed. So many years, I felt unhappy, ugly, unworthy, poor, sad, unaccomplished. Looking at my photos I see a beautiful girl who has so much spirit, talent, potential, gifts, abundance. Why couldn’t you see that when you were there?  

I am starting to understand my name more clearly lately, why I was named Clarity. It describes me, my strength and my weakness. I am super clear, so clear that sometimes I absorb whatever or whoever is around me. It has left me feeling very lost much of my life and in a constant state of searching and unhappiness. I want to know who I am. I want to be solid in me, in ultimately God. I feel I am going through a period of extreme sped up growth right now and I think it is me and everybody else. The planet is shifting, the entire universe is shifting and oh boy, I am feeling it.

I really want to hide under my covers right now. I am growing so fast, letting go of so many old aspects of myself all at once, it is very uncomfortable, very raw. I realized last night how lonely I have been these past few months. When I am alone, I feel very alone, not like it’s me and God but it’s just me. And when I am with people, I am not alone, but when they leave, then I am all alone again. I feel like I really am being pushed to come to a place where I never feel alone, with or without someone around to go to. How helpful can I be to people if I can’t stand solid in my own shoes. If I am thrown off center by every idiot that walks in the room, what does that make me? An idiot.

Even writing on this blog lately feels awkward and uncomfortable because what I am experiencing internally really is such a deep process, it seems even beyond words. What I feel like is transformation. I am becoming something new. I am in my cocoon and it’s painful to come out right now and be exposed to the light of day.

I was told that the closer I move to the light, the stronger the darkness becomes. I am moving towards the light. There are aspects of myself opening up that I never dreamed imaginable, like getting up at 5:30am for example to meditate and do yoga. That’s a big one. .

Fear is the only thing paralyzing my actions, me is the biggest obstacle in my success. Holy shit! Me is my biggest obstacle to my success, that’s crazy.

Part of me knows that I will become the person I have always known myself to be, but I never ever could have imagined the battle it takes to become Clarity. I am missing certain aspects of my old life right now, but I know it’s all within my mind. Where I am at is beautiful and it’s all perfect. Maybe I just need a nap.

Sharing my experience with Spiritual Community

I’m going to suggest that the schedule at Laurelwood is insane and unbalanced and that it is in fact that way, for a reason. I am borderline loosing it, finding it, dying, crying, blissing out, passing out. This place is insane.

If I don’t follow the schedule here of 5:45am sadhana wake up, I am way out of the flow and the entire day of running around in physical service is borderline impossible. When I do wake up on time, I am exhausted and want to sleep longer because I’ve stayed up till 12 or 1am just so I can have some down time to get things done.

When I don’t meditate before going to bed, my sleep is restless and I wake up tired and groggy. When I do meditate before bed, it takes up my free time and I am resistant because the night hours are my only free time to read, write, draw and work on financial things, like figuring out ways to stay here.

 It’s crazy because I want to watch a movie but as soon as I get out of the flow here, I am out of the flow and everything seems impossible. I told myself that by May 1^st I would get into the flow of things and really be on top of it. Remembering in the shower, why I am actually here: to learn to live harmoniously with people and be a leader within spiritual community. I am a student and this is my training and the more I remember that, the more I can stay focused, on track with a goal. But is life a goal or is life embracing what is before me. Is my close friend here a distraction, or is he life, presenting itself to me?

Am I resisting for fear or am I discovering what it really takes to be strong and be a yogini. To be celibate is no easy task and no one ever explained to me what it entailed and how very hard it actually is. To keep all the energy in and direct it into other things, like creative tasks, meditation, exercise, etc. Fuck. That is what I want to say right now but instead I chant “Om gum ganapatayei namaha”, the mantra to the God Ganesh, remover of obstacles. I was told by Jeffrey Armstrong, my close friend, teacher and Vedic Astrologer that to chant this mantra when things get to heated in life will clear the way. Just give it all up to God at the end of the day is a huge lesson I am needing to learn. To do work, intensely, focused, with care, attention and detail and then at the end of the day just let it go. Simple, easy, no problem, right? Wrong. It is one of the hardest things to do. That and loving someone but not being attached to them? Man, is God really tough on us to do that?  To love people, but not be attached to them.

This blog and my writing is the only thing that keeps me sane. I’m really wondering if all the dreams I want to manifest will come true or if there is a completely different plan for my life. I seem to have always had this idea of the way life was going to be or how it should look. Sometimes it is a hell of a lot harder but usually after I get through that, my life is blessed in ways I could never even have imagined for myself.

I have to let go now, it’s obvious or I am just going to continue to suffer. Dammit, my head is so itchy. Seriously, having a shower and flossing here is like a luxury, can you bellied dat? Ok, enough of that, I have 1 hour until bed time and I have to use it wisely. G’night. xox