Reaching out for help

Dear Tom,

I have been meditating on what you told me about letting it flow.

I have been clinging so tight to not letting it flow, scared, scared to see my own power.

It's been tough. And at the same time I have been forcing the flow, which is all in the mind.

There is only one and he is always flowing, uninterruptedly.

I am getting a little scared today. Feeling overwhelmed at being in the big city all alone.

I'm not scared but I am afraid dellusion is trying to suck me back in.

All this doing, all this wanting to "do" something. I want to be. 

Today I realized I don't want anything. But I feel like I have to do something great, always had

this feeling. I'm seeing it may have been imposed on me by this male dominated culture

and being raised by my father and his attitude towards "acheivement."

I find myself doubting the effort I have been putting in towards getting a loan

to go to a 1.5 years digital film production Collegel. It is very technological, but I see 

that these skills could help a lot of things. Not too mention Pi wants to start a media

school for children and adults so we can produce our own films, docs, media. 

It is usefull these days I see to use film as a way to transfer consciousness and ideas.

I find myself battling over wanting nothing and to live nowhere and wanting to create something.

Or feeling the need to.

I can't do nothing. So should I just pick something and stick to it?

I love to paint, I love to write and I love to tell stories.

Why do I feel I need to do more things to prove myself, like have a degree. Maybe to build my confidence in what I'm doing.

I feel that some training is good for me, but when do I just accept and be who I am?

Please help, I need support

PS. At the same time, the longer I am away from Johan and the Philippines I wonder and sometimes start to doubt myself. 

Why am I back here in Vancouver, when I thought my home was in the Philippines.

And why am I rushing off to try and create something for myself once again. I am like Shiva and Brahma, creating and destroying my own creations,

but every 8 months. Come on. 

But this is the feeling I am having

with respect,

Clarity West