It's getting hot in here

I'm going through a really tough time right now.

My throat is tight, my chest is heavy and my stomach clenched. Welcome back to city life.
I don't know what happened but since I came back to Vancouver about two weeks ago, I have been caught up. Totally and utterly caught up. I want to stay it feels like I was in a cloud. What the hell am I doing back here in the first place? Why, oh why did I suddenly get caught up in this frenzy of "doing".

Once again, I got caught up in the same old trap. It's like my bad habits and patterns are presenting themselves stronger and thicker than ever right now. Each moment is a choice to give in... and I have been. It feels sickening, I feel sick with myself. I have done so much healing and so much praying and it's like it's all there waiting, the blessings are waiting, but I actually have to be willing to not go backwards.

I fought with my sister today. It was such an old and painful thing to do. I really regretted it after and knew that my energy had just been zapped by the anger and negativity that arose in me. The ego is a slippery little mofo and I am starting to have it up to here with it. I told God today, "damn it, you put me here, you have to help me." I felt at the end of my rope today. I punched the ground a couple times.

Some realizations came up last night chatting with an old friend as we sat on the beach under the stars. We came to the conclusion that this energy happening on the planet right now is fricken intense. What it is doing is actually forcing everyone to grow, hence all the relationship issues. Not only that but it is exposing all of our weak points, or the shadow side. We must expose all the dark parts of ourselves before we can become beings of light. In lightened beings. Hence going to the darkest hour before the sun will arise.

Did I mention that through out all of this, I have been sleeping on my dad's couch?

So shit is really hitting the fan right now. One thing I have noticed after speaking to several friends is that regular meditators are feeling like skipping out on the practice. Maybe because the energy is too intense and they feel meditating will make it too much. From what I experienced tonight, meditating is like a warm shower and a comfortable place to rest after a long day. I can't be without it.

It's a really confusing time right now with all that is going on in the world. Recetly I read News that Japan's power plant is continuing to leak nuclear energy into the earth, water and air and it is alot worse than they first informed us. Now they are saying that Nuclear particles called hot particles are making their way into the waters in North America. So we have insane weather changes, natural disasters, war, nuclear energy spilling into the earth, food shortages, economic collapse and were just supposed to go on normally with our lives as if nothing is happening??

I don't want to cause any fear, just spread information.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r-awf_hnfs&NR=1 (More info on Japan Incident)

I am doing the best I can, but being a sensitive, sentient being, I am feelig it. I wept today. I am happy that I can cry. I just hope, I just hope something will give. We are all such beautiful beings and I wan to really try and be gentle on others and myself at this time. I am intending to be loving and kind. I am asking for kindness and gentleness.

This is my intention: To live a simple, abundant life, outside of the city, in a natural and safe enviroment where I can assist and serve doing what I love.

Ommmmmm