Don't back down

I have been avoiding writing on my blog. I started to get cautious because I found out that my articles have caused some judgements from certain people.

Too many precious years have been wasted in approval seeking, wondering what was acceptable to my family and friends. The reprocussion of living that way was a form of self sabotage. Looking over my shoulder wondering what people will think of me if I fail or succeed. My life is art, love and God and it is no longer something I wish to hide.

For many years I didn't really try to make it or be successful. I was actually avoiding it energetically because I didn't want to get caught up. I didn't want to sacrifice my ideals and life for a bit of money. Last night I realized that following my heart is the very thing that will bring success. I don't need to look for hand outs anymore. What I have to offer is valuable. I am open to my success because I am living my truth.
To be honest a lot has taken place since the day I left the Philippines but I haven't been clear in my own mind so I wasn't sure how to talk about it.

The night before leaving back to Vancouver, I had a profound experience that has carried over and I don't think it will ever leave.
It started the night before I had to fly out. I had sickness of the stomach, headache and nausea and I could barely bring myself to pack. It was weird because it had only come on that evening.
As I lay in bed barely able to move, something started to happen. I started to feel high, very, very high and I went into an ecstatic state, a trance. I could feel, see, hear everything around me in total clarity and I was totally immobile. All I could do was lay there in absolute bliss. Sounds and energy poured out of me in a sacred way and I could feel that I was going through a very deep healing.

Finally, Johan came home and saw me just laying there. I could feel everything that was going on inside him and the hardest part was feeling his heart. I could feel that it was closed and it was very painful.
At that point, the energy flowing through me was almost too much to bear and I knew I needed to put my hands on him. Jo was very antsy, resistant, unwilling in that moment to receive it so it was a bit of a challenge for me to get him to stay still. I had to hold back my personal feelings of not being accepted and just let this energy flow through me. My hands were moving spontaneously and sounds came from deep inside myself. These sounds were frightening to Jo at first, and I must admit they did sound a bit occult or whatever but I knew they were healing sounds.

The energy was flowing and I knew my hand was wanting to open Jo's heart, to heal his emotional pain. As much as it hurt my feelings when I felt he wasn't open to me, I later learned that it was my healing hand showing me what it is like when my own heart is closed off to love.

The more I have read and researched, this experience could be called a Kundalini awakening. I am not sure but I feel that was what happened to me that night. For several days after I felt as if I didn't need to meditate to connect to the bliss, it was there in a constant flow.
Something has shifted inside of me. I feel closer to my goal so I'm working hard but with a new sense of confidence and knowing that I am near. God's grace.

Anyway, since I have been home in Vancouver it has been a daily battle of keeping the faith as to why I'm here in the city again.

Why am I here?
I'm here to manifest my dreams and acheive my goals, same as everyone else.

Do I need to be in the city to do this?
I don't know, I guess we will find out.

It's funny because as I went for my walk in the rain today, I thought about what really would make me happy, realizing I can have anything I want.
Sometimes I love to think about what how beautiful it would be to have a baby, a family, a simple and beautiful life with my partner back in the countryside of the Philippines. To do my art and teach children, to live out all of my dreams. Not to have to choose but to have it all. It could be so simple and lovely, I have a warm feeling just thinking about it.
And then another part of me says that first I need a career, stability, money, education before I just take off into the country. A way to sustain myself and my family.
Is this just my mind or do I actually need this sense of security?
Have I been too westernized, indoctrinated, colonized, bannock slapped and brain washed?

At the end of the day I just want God's love. Everything else comes of that.

Anyways. I am on my own sacred search and quest, just as we all are. If I can't even be honest with myself on my own blog, then what? Spirit is calling... don't back down.

Thanks for listening