Being driven means just that.
It means you are literally being driven to succeed or acheive some worthy goal.
Sometimes, even against your own will.
It feels like someone or something is at the wheel and I'm just holding on for the ride.
I'm so driven it's not even funny, sometimes, it's really not funny.
What is funny though is that I'm always telling people to go with their hearts, to do what they love and most of all to never feel like they have to do something. I always tell my partner to just do what brings him the most joy.
But when it comes to my life, it's somehow diffrent. I feel there is a certain amount of steps I need to take before I can be, do and have what I want to be content. Interresting?
For example, I'm starting school this Monday to continue my film studies. But it's a means to an end because I'm doing so, so I can move to the country and run my own production company/school and make my films independently. This is really what I actually want to be doing right now. SO again, it's doing something so I can be somewhere else, eventually.
I had a vision today while I was laying with my crystals. I saw myself walking down a beach parking lot, pushing a stroller. I was with a man. I had shorter hair and was wearing high heels and my dress was blowing in the wind.
It feels like that's where I want to be. Will I ever be happy just where I am... here now ???
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
We're all the same, ain't we ?
We're all the same.
So your vessel is big...mine is small. I am short and you is tall.
There is no diffrence between you and me my friend,
underneath it all, no beginning or end.
So if you want to stare at my vessel, that is fine,
but why not look at the old woman beside me,
there ain't no diffrence but time.
Soon that day will come for me too and all over
it will start again, as something new.
Diffrent situation and geographic location
and I will be the same, just staring at you.
So your vessel is big...mine is small. I am short and you is tall.
There is no diffrence between you and me my friend,
underneath it all, no beginning or end.
So if you want to stare at my vessel, that is fine,
but why not look at the old woman beside me,
there ain't no diffrence but time.
Soon that day will come for me too and all over
it will start again, as something new.
Diffrent situation and geographic location
and I will be the same, just staring at you.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Being in my Power
It's not my job to be like everyone else.
To compete or strive for worldly success.
My mission is to be me.
To be in my heart and do the opposite of what everyone else is doing.
In that, I am truly successful.
I have no competition or pressure as I had originally perceived.
Being an example of someone following their heart and being in the light.
This then requires a removal and cutting off of caring or comparing myself with the opinions of others.
It requires an unshakable faith, to stand unwavering in my truth no matter what is going on around me.
It requires the ability to be centered in myself, in God, 100% of the time.
That is being in my Power.
This message is brought to you by: channeled wisdom from the crystals.
To compete or strive for worldly success.
My mission is to be me.
To be in my heart and do the opposite of what everyone else is doing.
In that, I am truly successful.
I have no competition or pressure as I had originally perceived.
Being an example of someone following their heart and being in the light.
This then requires a removal and cutting off of caring or comparing myself with the opinions of others.
It requires an unshakable faith, to stand unwavering in my truth no matter what is going on around me.
It requires the ability to be centered in myself, in God, 100% of the time.
That is being in my Power.
This message is brought to you by: channeled wisdom from the crystals.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Don't back down
I have been avoiding writing on my blog. I started to get cautious because I found out that my articles have caused some judgements from certain people.
Too many precious years have been wasted in approval seeking, wondering what was acceptable to my family and friends. The reprocussion of living that way was a form of self sabotage. Looking over my shoulder wondering what people will think of me if I fail or succeed. My life is art, love and God and it is no longer something I wish to hide.
For many years I didn't really try to make it or be successful. I was actually avoiding it energetically because I didn't want to get caught up. I didn't want to sacrifice my ideals and life for a bit of money. Last night I realized that following my heart is the very thing that will bring success. I don't need to look for hand outs anymore. What I have to offer is valuable. I am open to my success because I am living my truth.
To be honest a lot has taken place since the day I left the Philippines but I haven't been clear in my own mind so I wasn't sure how to talk about it.
The night before leaving back to Vancouver, I had a profound experience that has carried over and I don't think it will ever leave.
It started the night before I had to fly out. I had sickness of the stomach, headache and nausea and I could barely bring myself to pack. It was weird because it had only come on that evening.
As I lay in bed barely able to move, something started to happen. I started to feel high, very, very high and I went into an ecstatic state, a trance. I could feel, see, hear everything around me in total clarity and I was totally immobile. All I could do was lay there in absolute bliss. Sounds and energy poured out of me in a sacred way and I could feel that I was going through a very deep healing.
Finally, Johan came home and saw me just laying there. I could feel everything that was going on inside him and the hardest part was feeling his heart. I could feel that it was closed and it was very painful.
At that point, the energy flowing through me was almost too much to bear and I knew I needed to put my hands on him. Jo was very antsy, resistant, unwilling in that moment to receive it so it was a bit of a challenge for me to get him to stay still. I had to hold back my personal feelings of not being accepted and just let this energy flow through me. My hands were moving spontaneously and sounds came from deep inside myself. These sounds were frightening to Jo at first, and I must admit they did sound a bit occult or whatever but I knew they were healing sounds.
The energy was flowing and I knew my hand was wanting to open Jo's heart, to heal his emotional pain. As much as it hurt my feelings when I felt he wasn't open to me, I later learned that it was my healing hand showing me what it is like when my own heart is closed off to love.
The more I have read and researched, this experience could be called a Kundalini awakening. I am not sure but I feel that was what happened to me that night. For several days after I felt as if I didn't need to meditate to connect to the bliss, it was there in a constant flow.
Something has shifted inside of me. I feel closer to my goal so I'm working hard but with a new sense of confidence and knowing that I am near. God's grace.
Anyway, since I have been home in Vancouver it has been a daily battle of keeping the faith as to why I'm here in the city again.
Why am I here?
I'm here to manifest my dreams and acheive my goals, same as everyone else.
Do I need to be in the city to do this?
I don't know, I guess we will find out.
It's funny because as I went for my walk in the rain today, I thought about what really would make me happy, realizing I can have anything I want.
Sometimes I love to think about what how beautiful it would be to have a baby, a family, a simple and beautiful life with my partner back in the countryside of the Philippines. To do my art and teach children, to live out all of my dreams. Not to have to choose but to have it all. It could be so simple and lovely, I have a warm feeling just thinking about it.
And then another part of me says that first I need a career, stability, money, education before I just take off into the country. A way to sustain myself and my family.
Is this just my mind or do I actually need this sense of security?
Have I been too westernized, indoctrinated, colonized, bannock slapped and brain washed?
At the end of the day I just want God's love. Everything else comes of that.
Anyways. I am on my own sacred search and quest, just as we all are. If I can't even be honest with myself on my own blog, then what? Spirit is calling... don't back down.
Thanks for listening
Too many precious years have been wasted in approval seeking, wondering what was acceptable to my family and friends. The reprocussion of living that way was a form of self sabotage. Looking over my shoulder wondering what people will think of me if I fail or succeed. My life is art, love and God and it is no longer something I wish to hide.
For many years I didn't really try to make it or be successful. I was actually avoiding it energetically because I didn't want to get caught up. I didn't want to sacrifice my ideals and life for a bit of money. Last night I realized that following my heart is the very thing that will bring success. I don't need to look for hand outs anymore. What I have to offer is valuable. I am open to my success because I am living my truth.
To be honest a lot has taken place since the day I left the Philippines but I haven't been clear in my own mind so I wasn't sure how to talk about it.
The night before leaving back to Vancouver, I had a profound experience that has carried over and I don't think it will ever leave.
It started the night before I had to fly out. I had sickness of the stomach, headache and nausea and I could barely bring myself to pack. It was weird because it had only come on that evening.
As I lay in bed barely able to move, something started to happen. I started to feel high, very, very high and I went into an ecstatic state, a trance. I could feel, see, hear everything around me in total clarity and I was totally immobile. All I could do was lay there in absolute bliss. Sounds and energy poured out of me in a sacred way and I could feel that I was going through a very deep healing.
Finally, Johan came home and saw me just laying there. I could feel everything that was going on inside him and the hardest part was feeling his heart. I could feel that it was closed and it was very painful.
At that point, the energy flowing through me was almost too much to bear and I knew I needed to put my hands on him. Jo was very antsy, resistant, unwilling in that moment to receive it so it was a bit of a challenge for me to get him to stay still. I had to hold back my personal feelings of not being accepted and just let this energy flow through me. My hands were moving spontaneously and sounds came from deep inside myself. These sounds were frightening to Jo at first, and I must admit they did sound a bit occult or whatever but I knew they were healing sounds.
The energy was flowing and I knew my hand was wanting to open Jo's heart, to heal his emotional pain. As much as it hurt my feelings when I felt he wasn't open to me, I later learned that it was my healing hand showing me what it is like when my own heart is closed off to love.
The more I have read and researched, this experience could be called a Kundalini awakening. I am not sure but I feel that was what happened to me that night. For several days after I felt as if I didn't need to meditate to connect to the bliss, it was there in a constant flow.
Something has shifted inside of me. I feel closer to my goal so I'm working hard but with a new sense of confidence and knowing that I am near. God's grace.
Anyway, since I have been home in Vancouver it has been a daily battle of keeping the faith as to why I'm here in the city again.
Why am I here?
I'm here to manifest my dreams and acheive my goals, same as everyone else.
Do I need to be in the city to do this?
I don't know, I guess we will find out.
It's funny because as I went for my walk in the rain today, I thought about what really would make me happy, realizing I can have anything I want.
Sometimes I love to think about what how beautiful it would be to have a baby, a family, a simple and beautiful life with my partner back in the countryside of the Philippines. To do my art and teach children, to live out all of my dreams. Not to have to choose but to have it all. It could be so simple and lovely, I have a warm feeling just thinking about it.
And then another part of me says that first I need a career, stability, money, education before I just take off into the country. A way to sustain myself and my family.
Is this just my mind or do I actually need this sense of security?
Have I been too westernized, indoctrinated, colonized, bannock slapped and brain washed?
At the end of the day I just want God's love. Everything else comes of that.
Anyways. I am on my own sacred search and quest, just as we all are. If I can't even be honest with myself on my own blog, then what? Spirit is calling... don't back down.
Thanks for listening
feeling the flow
Was really feeling the flow the other night. As soon as I let go of the fear, the doubt and stopped caring what other people thought, suddenly I could paint again. The inspiration was there, maybe it had always been, but I was in the flow again. As I painted, I realized that this art form is a way creator is teaching me to surrender. As soon as I am thinking, I have to stop painting. As my hand moved fluidly, knowing all the places to go, and all the colors, slowly, an image unfolded. I didn't know what it was until it started to form. The name of the painting came to me in a flash so clear, "Forgiveness". As I painted many realizations and clarity came over me. I was learning to forgive while I painted.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Message from Pi Villaraza - Baylan (Philippine Shaman)
Below is a message shared with me and several others from Pi Villaraza, international teacher and healer of the Inner Dance movement.
Inner Dance is a spontaneous healing, energy movement that awoken in Pi while fasting in isolation for two years only on cocconuts in a remote island of the Philippines. The Inner Dance energy is spreading across the planet and has personally transformed my life and awoken the healer within. Here is a message from him at this time. Also, below is a link to an article written by a psychologist who experienced the Inner Dance movement/healing and his encounter with Pi and this healing movement. This is is a fantastic article and worth a read.
If you are interrested in experiencing the Inner Dance in Vancouver, please contact me. xox Clarity
"As you might be feeling into, the planetary shift has been accelerating over the past months, weeks and days. Hardly a day goes by when we do not become more and more sensitized and aware of the increase in the world's vibratory frequency. Observe carefully what is happening these days (around the world and around us) and rather than see things in details, see them as patterns that are part of a larger pattern. Not a static pattern but a wave pattern, a wave that is constantly changing. It's an opportunity to take stock of what is happening in each and every one of us, and how to build up trust, intuition and our ability to log into the the vibratory shift, just as easily as we log onto the internet.
We are not unique in our process. We are in everything as everything is in our cellular vibration. With global energy beginning to re-allign with each other, our present goal is to hold more strongly to that trusting and intuitive part of ourselves while the energy that is omniscient, that is self-organizing, begins to just swim in the same flow as a deep river of consciousness flowing beneath what we read in the news and the over-all social and machine-like dimensions we live through every day.
When we open up to Inner-directed movement, the Inner Dance, we will shift consciously rather than reactively. For those of you who are choosing to embark on the Teacher's Program, we are committing to change as well as helping others with their own bodily and emotional changes.
I am sharing the information in this link above right now for us as a group of energy facilitators to assist the planet's energy re-formation process as our old energy begins to dis-integrate and our new choices re-integrate themselves into a new Us. These sharings were made at salient transformational points in people's lives from around the world even before the bigger portals have opened. When the world shifts reaches critical mass, many many more people will be getting ill, fall into depressions, come into material (financial) and emotional (relationship) challenges. Just like the people in this link, our friends and family and future relations will also possibly tap into a point of transformation amidst the point of dis-integration.
We want to become aware of when and how this takes place. In others and within us. It is the point of magic, the point of change.
On your willingness, maybe we can start using this group to start sharing our own experiences on the points of dis-integration, of transformation and of re-integration.
A British researcher's article written on his Inner Dance journey is a timeless piece on the energy wave of change, that very special time in our lives when a whirlwind of problems and opportunities whisks us from our comfort zones and onto the Vision Quest: http://www.conscious-trance.com/p/it-was-two-years-ago-this-month-in.html
I send you peace, love and gratefulness for being who you are in this world. Namaste."
Pi Villaraza
Inner Dance is a spontaneous healing, energy movement that awoken in Pi while fasting in isolation for two years only on cocconuts in a remote island of the Philippines. The Inner Dance energy is spreading across the planet and has personally transformed my life and awoken the healer within. Here is a message from him at this time. Also, below is a link to an article written by a psychologist who experienced the Inner Dance movement/healing and his encounter with Pi and this healing movement. This is is a fantastic article and worth a read.
If you are interrested in experiencing the Inner Dance in Vancouver, please contact me. xox Clarity
"As you might be feeling into, the planetary shift has been accelerating over the past months, weeks and days. Hardly a day goes by when we do not become more and more sensitized and aware of the increase in the world's vibratory frequency. Observe carefully what is happening these days (around the world and around us) and rather than see things in details, see them as patterns that are part of a larger pattern. Not a static pattern but a wave pattern, a wave that is constantly changing. It's an opportunity to take stock of what is happening in each and every one of us, and how to build up trust, intuition and our ability to log into the the vibratory shift, just as easily as we log onto the internet.
We are not unique in our process. We are in everything as everything is in our cellular vibration. With global energy beginning to re-allign with each other, our present goal is to hold more strongly to that trusting and intuitive part of ourselves while the energy that is omniscient, that is self-organizing, begins to just swim in the same flow as a deep river of consciousness flowing beneath what we read in the news and the over-all social and machine-like dimensions we live through every day.
When we open up to Inner-directed movement, the Inner Dance, we will shift consciously rather than reactively. For those of you who are choosing to embark on the Teacher's Program, we are committing to change as well as helping others with their own bodily and emotional changes.
I am sharing the information in this link above right now for us as a group of energy facilitators to assist the planet's energy re-formation process as our old energy begins to dis-integrate and our new choices re-integrate themselves into a new Us. These sharings were made at salient transformational points in people's lives from around the world even before the bigger portals have opened. When the world shifts reaches critical mass, many many more people will be getting ill, fall into depressions, come into material (financial) and emotional (relationship) challenges. Just like the people in this link, our friends and family and future relations will also possibly tap into a point of transformation amidst the point of dis-integration.
We want to become aware of when and how this takes place. In others and within us. It is the point of magic, the point of change.
On your willingness, maybe we can start using this group to start sharing our own experiences on the points of dis-integration, of transformation and of re-integration.
A British researcher's article written on his Inner Dance journey is a timeless piece on the energy wave of change, that very special time in our lives when a whirlwind of problems and opportunities whisks us from our comfort zones and onto the Vision Quest: http://www.conscious-trance.com/p/it-was-two-years-ago-this-month-in.html
I send you peace, love and gratefulness for being who you are in this world. Namaste."
Pi Villaraza
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Dream with me
Terry Fox had one leg and dreamed of running coast to coast.
He went for it.
What's my excuse ?
2:22am
Had a really hot sweat lodge tonight. It felt good. It was just what I needed on a Friday night.
Been seeing alot about myself through others, mostly about the limited self beliefs.
I'm seeing beautiful, competent, and talented people walking around dissabled. Not because they are, but because that's how they see themselves. It's a direct reflection for myself and my life.
What we resist persists.
I just had a huge cosmic revelation tonight.
I need to start thinking and acting from a place of what I want in life, not what I don't want.
Just because some negative result happened once in the past, we punish ourselves again and again as if it has to be like that forever because one time we got rejected or hurt. The self punishment is collosal compared to the actual event.
Every moment I am free to create a new result, a better future for myself by my moment to moment thinking. Right now I can change how I think about myself and life around me knowing everything will change. I've heard it so many times, but it finally hit me.
After listening to my friend Cody talk about how in highschool he asked a girl out and was rejected, ever since then, he has allowed that feeling of rejection to flow into other areas of his life. He began to create a story that he wasn't worthy, not only of women but in his career as well. From that one event, which was totally unrelated to him and who he is as a person, he took it to mean something was wrong with him. When the truth is, that person made that decision because of something inside them, not because of who Cody was or wasn't. That is how fucked up the mind is.
Anyway, I'm going to try something diffrent, not just for myself, but for all of us.
Been seeing alot about myself through others, mostly about the limited self beliefs.
I'm seeing beautiful, competent, and talented people walking around dissabled. Not because they are, but because that's how they see themselves. It's a direct reflection for myself and my life.
What we resist persists.
I just had a huge cosmic revelation tonight.
I need to start thinking and acting from a place of what I want in life, not what I don't want.
Just because some negative result happened once in the past, we punish ourselves again and again as if it has to be like that forever because one time we got rejected or hurt. The self punishment is collosal compared to the actual event.
Every moment I am free to create a new result, a better future for myself by my moment to moment thinking. Right now I can change how I think about myself and life around me knowing everything will change. I've heard it so many times, but it finally hit me.
After listening to my friend Cody talk about how in highschool he asked a girl out and was rejected, ever since then, he has allowed that feeling of rejection to flow into other areas of his life. He began to create a story that he wasn't worthy, not only of women but in his career as well. From that one event, which was totally unrelated to him and who he is as a person, he took it to mean something was wrong with him. When the truth is, that person made that decision because of something inside them, not because of who Cody was or wasn't. That is how fucked up the mind is.
Anyway, I'm going to try something diffrent, not just for myself, but for all of us.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The Quest Documentary - A film 2 years in the making
I've always felt that I came from somewhere else.
I came from somewhere beautiful, somewhere perfect.
I arrived on this planet with a mission... but unfortunately when I was born, I forgot what it was.
Two years ago I left my home, my family and the city to begin my vision quest. This was a quest in search of myself. At 25 years old this was no easy task, to give up all the things I love and literally walk away from it all.
The process was slow and painful at first, the isolation and loneliness was intense but not the worst part. The purification process began, the stripping away of what was past and suddenly everything was accelerating. Parts of me I knew so well began to die and even my name, Charity, was dead to me now. From the ashes, Clarity emerged and so did I.
I needed help in remembering, in this awakening process. One by one, the teachers appeared. Deeply enlightened men and women from diffrent paths and parts of the world, shamans, yogis, earthkeepers and scientists. These elevated beings had lived their own personal vision quest and had awoken. Now, their mission is to share and activate others rememberings. At a time when the world is in the midst of major shifts, these enlightened teachers open up to the public in intimate interviews.
The Quest documents my journey across North America and into Asia.
This documentary explores 5 enlightened speakers and their message, way of life, communities and world predictions. We explore the positive options for a world in the midst of crisis. What are the coming changes and what can we do to shift to the new earth. We have all heard much about 2012 but what are things we can do to prepare physically, mentally and spiritually.
What is the common message of these teachers and shamans from various parts of the world?
The Quest - A documentary film by Clarity West
The Quest is currently in search of post production funding for editing, music, green screen, sound design, production, web design, marketing and distribution.
If you are interrested in getting involved as an investor, crew or want to help spread the word, please contact Clarity West - yogagirleastwest@gmail.com
Movie Trailer on Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgQr73ksgP8
With love,
C West
I came from somewhere beautiful, somewhere perfect.
I arrived on this planet with a mission... but unfortunately when I was born, I forgot what it was.
Two years ago I left my home, my family and the city to begin my vision quest. This was a quest in search of myself. At 25 years old this was no easy task, to give up all the things I love and literally walk away from it all.
The process was slow and painful at first, the isolation and loneliness was intense but not the worst part. The purification process began, the stripping away of what was past and suddenly everything was accelerating. Parts of me I knew so well began to die and even my name, Charity, was dead to me now. From the ashes, Clarity emerged and so did I.
I needed help in remembering, in this awakening process. One by one, the teachers appeared. Deeply enlightened men and women from diffrent paths and parts of the world, shamans, yogis, earthkeepers and scientists. These elevated beings had lived their own personal vision quest and had awoken. Now, their mission is to share and activate others rememberings. At a time when the world is in the midst of major shifts, these enlightened teachers open up to the public in intimate interviews.
The Quest documents my journey across North America and into Asia.
This documentary explores 5 enlightened speakers and their message, way of life, communities and world predictions. We explore the positive options for a world in the midst of crisis. What are the coming changes and what can we do to shift to the new earth. We have all heard much about 2012 but what are things we can do to prepare physically, mentally and spiritually.
What is the common message of these teachers and shamans from various parts of the world?
The Quest - A documentary film by Clarity West
The Quest is currently in search of post production funding for editing, music, green screen, sound design, production, web design, marketing and distribution.
If you are interrested in getting involved as an investor, crew or want to help spread the word, please contact Clarity West - yogagirleastwest@gmail.com
Movie Trailer on Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgQr73ksgP8
With love,
C West
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Guide me
Walking around the city tonight on a Friday night was kind of like walking through some kind of a strange fiction movie.
People are all getting drunk, drowning their feeling and emotions in unconscious stupors.
I saw girls sitting on the street curb who had no clue who they were.
The city is an unconscious trap of desires.
The city is no place for a hippie.
I felt darkness and I felt fear, my stomach clenched.
Need to keep affirming, dancing, tuning into the light, focusing on the light.
Everywhere I looked, people were enmeshed in drama. Some were so intertwined they were screaming in the street at one another. It felt dark and heavy and I turned the other way on the street.
With the full moon and the planetary shifts right now, people are getting pulled deeper than ever into some serious emotional shit. There is stuff coming out in all of us right now.
We are going Face to Face, head to head. Suit up but don't get caught up. Take no fear, salvation is ever near. We are all free, as soon as we break free.
Guide my thoughts, guide my words, guide my activity
People are all getting drunk, drowning their feeling and emotions in unconscious stupors.
I saw girls sitting on the street curb who had no clue who they were.
The city is an unconscious trap of desires.
The city is no place for a hippie.
I felt darkness and I felt fear, my stomach clenched.
Need to keep affirming, dancing, tuning into the light, focusing on the light.
Everywhere I looked, people were enmeshed in drama. Some were so intertwined they were screaming in the street at one another. It felt dark and heavy and I turned the other way on the street.
With the full moon and the planetary shifts right now, people are getting pulled deeper than ever into some serious emotional shit. There is stuff coming out in all of us right now.
We are going Face to Face, head to head. Suit up but don't get caught up. Take no fear, salvation is ever near. We are all free, as soon as we break free.
Guide my thoughts, guide my words, guide my activity
Friday, September 9, 2011
Heart Opening - A Work in Progress on various levels
 |
| Beginning of a painting entitled "Heart Opening" |
Release
Ahhh, those few blissful moments when my mind is completely and utterly still.
My morning meditation has become my solace, retreating into my inner cave of silence,
it is my daily retreat from the mind stuff of the city.
Sitting at my little altar early morning, candle lit, I close my eyes and feel my breath, in and out,
imagining it moving up and down the spine with each inhalation and exhalation. My mind gets more and more still until the focus is one pointed. Calmly, focusing my attention at the spiritual eye, I send my love and gratitude to the creator for this new day. My life is full of blessings, when I am in a calm space. Otherwise, this game can be full of worries and sorrows.
Yesterday was one of the best days I' ve had in awhile. I felt solid, rooted to the earth and centered in my heart. I was not following the mind for once, I was going with my feeling and it was taking me to a really good place. I got more accomplished than usual and I even had time to cook for my family, take a walk and do a crystal healing for myself and later that evening, for my sister and a good friend. I also till 1am this morning which felt so good and therapeutic.
As I painted, I remembered the gift my mother had given me of this paint set a few days ago, and felt gratitude to my divine mother for answering all my simple little wishes.
I miss the Philippines a lot, and especially my partner who is over there, the simple life of isolation whenever I wanted it. Here in the city, the moments are rare to get away from everything and everyone. I am finding that my years of cultivation of meditation practice was not wasted. All those years of empty, dry and forced sitting was not in vain. It was for moments like these, every morning moments when I can go sit, be alone, and release.
My morning meditation has become my solace, retreating into my inner cave of silence,
it is my daily retreat from the mind stuff of the city.
Sitting at my little altar early morning, candle lit, I close my eyes and feel my breath, in and out,
imagining it moving up and down the spine with each inhalation and exhalation. My mind gets more and more still until the focus is one pointed. Calmly, focusing my attention at the spiritual eye, I send my love and gratitude to the creator for this new day. My life is full of blessings, when I am in a calm space. Otherwise, this game can be full of worries and sorrows.
Yesterday was one of the best days I' ve had in awhile. I felt solid, rooted to the earth and centered in my heart. I was not following the mind for once, I was going with my feeling and it was taking me to a really good place. I got more accomplished than usual and I even had time to cook for my family, take a walk and do a crystal healing for myself and later that evening, for my sister and a good friend. I also till 1am this morning which felt so good and therapeutic.
As I painted, I remembered the gift my mother had given me of this paint set a few days ago, and felt gratitude to my divine mother for answering all my simple little wishes.
I miss the Philippines a lot, and especially my partner who is over there, the simple life of isolation whenever I wanted it. Here in the city, the moments are rare to get away from everything and everyone. I am finding that my years of cultivation of meditation practice was not wasted. All those years of empty, dry and forced sitting was not in vain. It was for moments like these, every morning moments when I can go sit, be alone, and release.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
It's getting hot in here
I'm going through a really tough time right now.
My throat is tight, my chest is heavy and my stomach clenched. Welcome back to city life.
I don't know what happened but since I came back to Vancouver about two weeks ago, I have been caught up. Totally and utterly caught up. I want to stay it feels like I was in a cloud. What the hell am I doing back here in the first place? Why, oh why did I suddenly get caught up in this frenzy of "doing".
Once again, I got caught up in the same old trap. It's like my bad habits and patterns are presenting themselves stronger and thicker than ever right now. Each moment is a choice to give in... and I have been. It feels sickening, I feel sick with myself. I have done so much healing and so much praying and it's like it's all there waiting, the blessings are waiting, but I actually have to be willing to not go backwards.
I fought with my sister today. It was such an old and painful thing to do. I really regretted it after and knew that my energy had just been zapped by the anger and negativity that arose in me. The ego is a slippery little mofo and I am starting to have it up to here with it. I told God today, "damn it, you put me here, you have to help me." I felt at the end of my rope today. I punched the ground a couple times.
Some realizations came up last night chatting with an old friend as we sat on the beach under the stars. We came to the conclusion that this energy happening on the planet right now is fricken intense. What it is doing is actually forcing everyone to grow, hence all the relationship issues. Not only that but it is exposing all of our weak points, or the shadow side. We must expose all the dark parts of ourselves before we can become beings of light. In lightened beings. Hence going to the darkest hour before the sun will arise.
Did I mention that through out all of this, I have been sleeping on my dad's couch?
So shit is really hitting the fan right now. One thing I have noticed after speaking to several friends is that regular meditators are feeling like skipping out on the practice. Maybe because the energy is too intense and they feel meditating will make it too much. From what I experienced tonight, meditating is like a warm shower and a comfortable place to rest after a long day. I can't be without it.
It's a really confusing time right now with all that is going on in the world. Recetly I read News that Japan's power plant is continuing to leak nuclear energy into the earth, water and air and it is alot worse than they first informed us. Now they are saying that Nuclear particles called hot particles are making their way into the waters in North America. So we have insane weather changes, natural disasters, war, nuclear energy spilling into the earth, food shortages, economic collapse and were just supposed to go on normally with our lives as if nothing is happening??
I don't want to cause any fear, just spread information.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
I am doing the best I can, but being a sensitive, sentient being, I am feelig it. I wept today. I am happy that I can cry. I just hope, I just hope something will give. We are all such beautiful beings and I wan to really try and be gentle on others and myself at this time. I am intending to be loving and kind. I am asking for kindness and gentleness.
This is my intention: To live a simple, abundant life, outside of the city, in a natural and safe enviroment where I can assist and serve doing what I love.
Ommmmmm
My throat is tight, my chest is heavy and my stomach clenched. Welcome back to city life.
I don't know what happened but since I came back to Vancouver about two weeks ago, I have been caught up. Totally and utterly caught up. I want to stay it feels like I was in a cloud. What the hell am I doing back here in the first place? Why, oh why did I suddenly get caught up in this frenzy of "doing".
Once again, I got caught up in the same old trap. It's like my bad habits and patterns are presenting themselves stronger and thicker than ever right now. Each moment is a choice to give in... and I have been. It feels sickening, I feel sick with myself. I have done so much healing and so much praying and it's like it's all there waiting, the blessings are waiting, but I actually have to be willing to not go backwards.
I fought with my sister today. It was such an old and painful thing to do. I really regretted it after and knew that my energy had just been zapped by the anger and negativity that arose in me. The ego is a slippery little mofo and I am starting to have it up to here with it. I told God today, "damn it, you put me here, you have to help me." I felt at the end of my rope today. I punched the ground a couple times.
Some realizations came up last night chatting with an old friend as we sat on the beach under the stars. We came to the conclusion that this energy happening on the planet right now is fricken intense. What it is doing is actually forcing everyone to grow, hence all the relationship issues. Not only that but it is exposing all of our weak points, or the shadow side. We must expose all the dark parts of ourselves before we can become beings of light. In lightened beings. Hence going to the darkest hour before the sun will arise.
Did I mention that through out all of this, I have been sleeping on my dad's couch?
So shit is really hitting the fan right now. One thing I have noticed after speaking to several friends is that regular meditators are feeling like skipping out on the practice. Maybe because the energy is too intense and they feel meditating will make it too much. From what I experienced tonight, meditating is like a warm shower and a comfortable place to rest after a long day. I can't be without it.
It's a really confusing time right now with all that is going on in the world. Recetly I read News that Japan's power plant is continuing to leak nuclear energy into the earth, water and air and it is alot worse than they first informed us. Now they are saying that Nuclear particles called hot particles are making their way into the waters in North America. So we have insane weather changes, natural disasters, war, nuclear energy spilling into the earth, food shortages, economic collapse and were just supposed to go on normally with our lives as if nothing is happening??
I don't want to cause any fear, just spread information.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
I am doing the best I can, but being a sensitive, sentient being, I am feelig it. I wept today. I am happy that I can cry. I just hope, I just hope something will give. We are all such beautiful beings and I wan to really try and be gentle on others and myself at this time. I am intending to be loving and kind. I am asking for kindness and gentleness.
This is my intention: To live a simple, abundant life, outside of the city, in a natural and safe enviroment where I can assist and serve doing what I love.
Ommmmmm
Friday, September 2, 2011
Reaching out for help
Dear Tom,
I have been meditating on what you told me about letting it flow.
I have been clinging so tight to not letting it flow, scared, scared to see my own power.
It's been tough. And at the same time I have been forcing the flow, which is all in the mind.
There is only one and he is always flowing, uninterruptedly.
I am getting a little scared today. Feeling overwhelmed at being in the big city all alone.
I'm not scared but I am afraid dellusion is trying to suck me back in.
All this doing, all this wanting to "do" something. I want to be.
Today I realized I don't want anything. But I feel like I have to do something great, always had
this feeling. I'm seeing it may have been imposed on me by this male dominated culture
and being raised by my father and his attitude towards "acheivement."
I find myself doubting the effort I have been putting in towards getting a loan
to go to a 1.5 years digital film production Collegel. It is very technological, but I see
that these skills could help a lot of things. Not too mention Pi wants to start a media
school for children and adults so we can produce our own films, docs, media.
It is usefull these days I see to use film as a way to transfer consciousness and ideas.
I find myself battling over wanting nothing and to live nowhere and wanting to create something.
Or feeling the need to.
I can't do nothing. So should I just pick something and stick to it?
I love to paint, I love to write and I love to tell stories.
Why do I feel I need to do more things to prove myself, like have a degree. Maybe to build my confidence in what I'm doing.
I feel that some training is good for me, but when do I just accept and be who I am?
Please help, I need support
PS. At the same time, the longer I am away from Johan and the Philippines I wonder and sometimes start to doubt myself.
Why am I back here in Vancouver, when I thought my home was in the Philippines.
And why am I rushing off to try and create something for myself once again. I am like Shiva and Brahma, creating and destroying my own creations,
but every 8 months. Come on.
But this is the feeling I am having
with respect,
Clarity West
Is it just me?
Is it just me or are things starting to getting really intense on the planet right now?
I mean on a really personal level.
It seems everyone I know is going through some major life change, growth, or shifts in relationship. Not discrediting the immensity of these trials, it seems that no one is exempt.
My mother and I went through a major healing together last night as we sat up together in her living room until 2am.
My mom has this amazing ability to annoy the hell out of me, but it's not
personal really. I just have this frusteration when people talk alot, for some reason it really seems to get under my skin.
Anyways.
The night was passing on and I was trying to enjoy our time together since we hadn't seen eachother in eight months since I had moved to the Philippines. Finally, I had to just remove myself from the situation and have a shower. In there I decided, "I'm just going to let her, be her".
When I came out the bathroom I felt guided to give my mom a crystal healing session. Since I carry them everywhere with me now, it was possible.
I had mom lay down in the living room on a yoga mat, lit some candles, saged the area and positioned the crystals in a grid surrounding her. I placed my largest crystal, a rose quartz (for heart opening) on her chest. I began to feel my mind fading out of the picture and becoming more tuned into my true feelings. Slowly, Clarity the ego was fading away and the healer was awakening. I began to move in a dance and my hands electrified with warmth and energy, making clicking sounds. The flow took over and Inner Dance emerged in a divinely conducted symphony of sounds/movement. My mother's inhibitions were gone and I watched as her hands moved in that sacred and magic way, extended to the heavens. The classic Inner Dance energy. Much healing poured forth and through my mother's healing, I also was healed. I felt asleep peacfully with much gratitude in my heart and mind.
I awoke this morning with a small chip on my shoulder, classic sign that my ego was back. It seems that no matter how deep I go spiritually, I always come back to an ego. I guess that is being human, the case until that divine energy is just always flowing uninterruptedly, enlightenment.
From the Inner Dance energy, the realizations came for my mom and I that healing our inner child is going back to a state of perfection, enlightenment. When we first came here, we were perfect and our healing journey encompasses healing the pain that was inflicted and self created between birth and now. Going back to the state of innocence. This means holding that child in our mind, loving ourselves, healing and giving ourselves permission to be whole. Caring for yourself in a sacred manner, and I suppose it would also mean caring for all those in a sacred manner.
Is it just me or is everyone becoming enlightened all at once, suddenly?
I mean on a really personal level.
It seems everyone I know is going through some major life change, growth, or shifts in relationship. Not discrediting the immensity of these trials, it seems that no one is exempt.
My mother and I went through a major healing together last night as we sat up together in her living room until 2am.
My mom has this amazing ability to annoy the hell out of me, but it's not
personal really. I just have this frusteration when people talk alot, for some reason it really seems to get under my skin.
Anyways.
The night was passing on and I was trying to enjoy our time together since we hadn't seen eachother in eight months since I had moved to the Philippines. Finally, I had to just remove myself from the situation and have a shower. In there I decided, "I'm just going to let her, be her".
When I came out the bathroom I felt guided to give my mom a crystal healing session. Since I carry them everywhere with me now, it was possible.
I had mom lay down in the living room on a yoga mat, lit some candles, saged the area and positioned the crystals in a grid surrounding her. I placed my largest crystal, a rose quartz (for heart opening) on her chest. I began to feel my mind fading out of the picture and becoming more tuned into my true feelings. Slowly, Clarity the ego was fading away and the healer was awakening. I began to move in a dance and my hands electrified with warmth and energy, making clicking sounds. The flow took over and Inner Dance emerged in a divinely conducted symphony of sounds/movement. My mother's inhibitions were gone and I watched as her hands moved in that sacred and magic way, extended to the heavens. The classic Inner Dance energy. Much healing poured forth and through my mother's healing, I also was healed. I felt asleep peacfully with much gratitude in my heart and mind.
I awoke this morning with a small chip on my shoulder, classic sign that my ego was back. It seems that no matter how deep I go spiritually, I always come back to an ego. I guess that is being human, the case until that divine energy is just always flowing uninterruptedly, enlightenment.
From the Inner Dance energy, the realizations came for my mom and I that healing our inner child is going back to a state of perfection, enlightenment. When we first came here, we were perfect and our healing journey encompasses healing the pain that was inflicted and self created between birth and now. Going back to the state of innocence. This means holding that child in our mind, loving ourselves, healing and giving ourselves permission to be whole. Caring for yourself in a sacred manner, and I suppose it would also mean caring for all those in a sacred manner.
Is it just me or is everyone becoming enlightened all at once, suddenly?
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